2 Years on

I have just marked the second anniversary of losing my precious mum and best friend. Its been a while since I posted here and couldnt even remember my password. The last time I had a look at the postings I was having a bad day and it may me feel worse so decided to give it a break for a few months.

I can honestly say I dont feel any different to the day I lost her. 2 years have flown past and life is so very different. If only people including myself would treasure the ones they love, tell them how they feel and never take them forgranted. There are so many things I never said to my mum, so many things we didnt get the opportunity to do together. I have only recently been able to get her photos out and cry at them every day. I cry for her beautiful face, the touch of her hand on mine, her laughter and fun, the way she loved my son the precious grandchild she adored, the way she kept her home and garden full of flowers and warmth, her wonderful home cooking, the way she encouraged me to do whatever made me happy, our weekly shopping trips and coffee together, our singing in the car together. The list goes on but now she has gone.

Nobody marked her anniversary, no one but my partner and father mentioned a word. I am an only child so have no one to share my loss with. It sometimes feels as though she never existed for anyone. I dont see or speak to her friends any more and her best and closest friend died 6 months after her from this hideous illness.

I have a busy life but spend so much time thinking of her and yearning for her to return. We spoke virtually evey day for 37 years so how do you come to terms with it. I dont think I ever will.

Hi, I used to read your postings. Just wanted to say Hello to you as it seemed there were so many similarities and things I could relate to from your posting, I also lost my best friend to this disease in 2006. I have secondaries and a daughter, an only child like you, we are also very close. I’m in my late 40’s but had my daughter quite young, she’s in her 20’s and I have a precious grandchild I adore. We also have our trips out and we do lots of things together, I try to do as much as I can, now, while I’m still feeling well.
I hope I will live on in my daughter’s heart, if I live a couple more years perhaps my Grandchild will remember me, I hope so.
It sounds as though you had more special times with your Mum than most would ever hope to have in a lifetime. Remember her often and I hope one day it will be less painful.

Sonia

I remember all your postings as well. I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I lost my mum august 2006, and when you lost your mum I read your posts knowing that it was going to happen to me as well. I dont think I will ever get over it either. I think I had the same kind of special relationship with my mum that you have with yours. I feel so cheated that we missed out on many many years together. She was only 55, I was 25, and I feel that I could have had her for another 30 years or more. I also have a busy life, but my mum is never far from my thoughts, and I cry for her every day, there is always something that sets me off. Sometimes the feeling of sadness is too much to bear, and I cant go on knowing that my mum isnt here with me anymore and I will never see her again. Even typing that makes me a bit tearful. Its like its such a big thing that I try not to let my mind process it or think about it too much. I try and tell myself that I am blessed in other ways, I have a new baby boy, he is 5 months old, a loving dad and 2 sisters, but there is something missing. I listen to my friends talk about their mums, just simple things like going out for a meal with them, or shopping, and feel very bitter. I used to love spending time with my mum, and cant understand why she was taken from me when we were so close when there are others out there who are not close to their mums. Why did it have to happen to me and my mum, why why why. I am always questioning it - some people tell me its a test, a test of what? How to absolutely break me and ruin my life and see if I can come through it? Whats the point in that. Others tell me that it was just her time. Why did it have to be her time above all her friends, her sisters, all her family. Why pick on her? I dont have any words of wisdom for you, I think we are experiencing the worst thing that could ever happen to us, how do you come back from that and come to terms with it? Maybe you dont and you just have to plod on as best you can. We have different lives now - and we are so young that our mums wouldnt want us to spend them pining for them. There is a poem that I read when I feel down, you have probably heard it, but it always makes me feel better and gives me some comfort.

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I try and listen to those words when I feel sad. I think the words say how my mum would want me to live my life. I carry them around in my purse and they keep me going. I am sure that I havent made you feel better at all, just waffled on about myself! But just know that I am in the same situation, and I am always here if you need to talk, you can send me a private message if you like.

Love Joanne x x x x

Thankyou so much for your response. The poem above was the one i chose for mums funeral. My little boy stood up at the front of the chapel and read it beautifully to everyone. I have never seen so many tears in one place.
I know I am not alone with my feelings although it sometimes feels like it. I wish I had a brother or sister to talk to as all my friends but one still have their mums and dont understand. She was the one person I could always turn to and was always there for me. I miss her wicked sense of humour and feel like I dont laugh now half as much as I used to. I was thinking about your little boy and what a shame it is that they never met. My mum was the first at the hospital with the huggest bouquet of flowers and teddy bear. She loved my son totally and just wanted to see him grow. She never missed a single thing he did. He is a fantastic footballer and plays twice weekly which she couldnt wait to watch. He scores endless goals and I always say score for nanny. I secretly cry at every match as I want her to be there. She would be so proud as he is a bright, happy and lovely boy, much of it down to her as she had such a big impact in bringing him up whilst allowing me to return to work. I will forever be grateful for my happy childhood. Sorry to rant on but its not often I get the chance. Stay in touch. Love sonia xx

Dear Belinda,

Thankyou so much for your message. I am sincerely sorry that you are going through the same nightmare. It breaks my heart every time I read another posting. I send you lots of hugs and love. xx