4 year check up - mixed feelings and still scared.

Hello Ladies - I hope you don’t mind - I need to put down some of my mixed up thoughts!
I went for my 4 year check up today - dx with recurrence in lymph nodes around pectoral muscle in 2008. Saw the surgeon and he says all going ok so considerable relief on my part. This is 4 years post previous dx which was 4 years post original dx in 2004, so 2012 is a bit of a scary year for me especially the build up to the Olympics because I remember watching the 2004 and 2008 games in the chemo suite!
I’m really pleased of course that everything seems ok, but every check up makes me also really afraid for what might happen before the next one. I ought to be really happy - the surgeon said that if all is ok this time next year they will discharge me but I wanted to shout “don’t even talk about it” - it feels like tempting fate somehow. The first time around I just took it for granted that things would be ok, but I don’t feel like that now. I am just as scared of all the little aches and pains that come my way as I have ever been. I rarely talk about it, even to my OH. Especially to my OH. Most people at work and in the family have more or less forgotten that I was ill, but sometimes it only feels like yesterday.
Just wanted to say it really, Thanks for listening.
Mo x

Hi moser, big hugs to you , its often a very scarey time when checkups come around so its only natural that you feel the way you do, i think its doubly hard when youve been Dx for a second time as i think you can loose all sense of trust in your body even moreso than with the first time around, i know i feel pretty much like that too now but in time i hope we will be able to regain that trust again and we will be able to move forward and put all the rubbish that is BC back into its box again where it belongs.
I think we will proberly always find check ups an anxious time ,as its brings back so many horrible memories that we realy would rather forget,friends and family often seem to be able to move on with life much easier than we do, but if youve never expierenced cancer first hand its very hard to understand the mental impact it all has had on your life and sometimes finding ways to deal with that is harder than all of the treatments themselves.
Huge congrates to you pet for being 4 yrs on now ,being discharged or even talking about it brings out all sorts of emotions sometimes, i know i will feel the same again too, it often feels like being let out into the big wide world without a safety net, but in time it will get better and hopefully one day BC wont be such a huge part of our lives anymore, there is one thing i have decided for myself though and that is i realy dont want to be referred back to the screening program at discharge, so ive decided i will pay pay for an annual mammo just for a bit extra of piece of mind, hopefully it will all seem much less daunting then.
Big hugs to you moser, am so pleased to hear that everything is going ok and that you
are keeping well, its ladies like yourself that gives me and others hope and inspiration that even after a 2nd Dx life does and can get better and we can all get well once again.

Linda xx

Oh mo its funny how things go in patterns and how it messes with your head… i think im feeling a bit like that too only mine was 3 years between 1 and 2 then 2 years between 2 and 3 so now ill be glad to get my mri over with next month, which is actually on the anniversary of my last diagnosis.

fingers crossed all goes well and so good to hear your consultant is so positive.


One of my aunt has been suffering for last 5 years. day by day its getting even worst . is there any 100% healing guarantee at any where than please let me know and i will pass it to them . they will be very happy because they got 3 small kid. and no ther person actually can taking care of them.

Thank you so much Linda and Lulu for your posts. You are right - it does mess with our heads particularly after 2 or more dx’s I guess. Just writing it down helped! I’m feeling more positive today - getting ready to go away next week to Norway! Lulu I hope your mri goes well - not a nice coincidence that it is on the anniversary of your dx. Linda, your idea of paying for annual mammos is certainly one to think about.
Take care both xx

mic929bea, i don’t have any answers for you, I am afraid, but suggest that you ring the BCC helpline or contact Macmillan cancer support . All the best.

Ahh, Moser, I remember your lovely support prior to my op. My bcn gave me the details of another lady who had had her pectoral muscle removed. She was a long term survivor of 14 years and still going strong. I’m glad you are feeling better and I’m sending you lots of love. Enjoy your break in Norway.
Moondog xxx

Thank you Moondog, that is a great inspiration for me! Hope you are doing ok.I follow you as a lurker on the TN threat. Lots of love to you,
Mo xx