Hi my name is Jeni, it’s my 4th anniversay 13/08/08, I’ll be 41 on the 14th! I had bi-lateral mastectomy, Lymph Node Clearance, FEC Chemo, Tamoxifen, I had recon last July 07,(implants) with the ports due to be removed.
It all started just after my son was born 10/03, then mum died suddenly 12/03, father in law died 06/04 then my diagnosis 08/04. After chemo finished we moved then a year later separated from my husband then got divorced.
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I started doing Reiki, which has been a big help/support for me. I am now having life coaching to rebuild my life. I just feel getting over the cancer and moving on is taking forever. I still get extremely tired and somedays I am in bed most of the day. I often struggle to keep the house tidy as I have no energy - even though I give myself regular reiki treatments. Other days I can be high as a kite, with big ideas of what I want to do, lol
I am also having problems returning to work. I started a pt job in Jan 08, but my boss was a bully, so I left. I found another job in a local cafe 2 weeks ago. But had to leave as one of the ladies said I was aggressive! This I found very hurtful and it has really knocked my confidence. We talked about the complaint etc, but I did not feel I could stay in the job. I always thought you made someone welcome when they started work not attacted them. I’m really in my head at the mo, looking at myself to see where I am going wrong.
I suppose I’m looking to find out if what I am going through is normal? Or should things have really picked up by now?
I’ve had counselling, but that stoped due to funding, I am also on anti-depressants
Hi Jeni,
Sounds like you’ve had alot to deal with in your life besides breast cancer, which is maybe why you are finding things so difficult.
That said…I too was dx 4yrs ago in jan., 04, and am still finding dealing with the cancer dx difficult, I had WLE 12mm tumour, grade 3, no nodes involved, chemo’ rads and now tamoxifen.
I have been on anti-depressents, tanquilisers and sleeping tablets since dx…the tranquilisers have been changed to 2mg Diazepam though…originally I was on Tamazepam…I starting suffering severe anxiety/panic attacks during chemo and consequently had to stop chemo at 4 out of 6.
I returned to work as a nursery nurse in november 04…this was more forced on me as my incapacity benefit was stopped because in the words of the DSS doctor…''its only the cancer thats the problem then!! ‘’…I realised later that I had grounds to appeal but at the time thought…oh damn it i’ll go back to work part-time…it hasn’t been easy, and I have been struggling lately with work too, it can be quite stressful and is very physical [I work with 0 - 2 age].
I have no confidence to go and find another job…have had interviews but jobs just didn’t seem right.
I had accupuncture but had to stop due to funding…the first 6 sesions were part funded by local breast cancer support group.
I lost a friend I met through BC last february and my aunt who was dx originally 18yrs ago was dx 3 yrs ago with bone secondaries and at the moment isn’t doing too well…all these things play on my mind too.
I manage to go to work and in general maintain a normalish life re., daily chores etc., but some days I too feel quite tired.
Can you not get counselling free through your BCN?
Maybe you should have your blood checked as the tiredness could be due to aneamia…you alo sound by the way you describe your mood swings as if you may be suffering from Bi-Polar…[a depressive illness].
I have found since dx I don’t tolerate certain people or situations…my intolerance levels have certainly dropped.
I don’t think theres a set time for feeling that you should or should of moved on…we are all individual…some move on easier than others…because of that…one thing I’ve learnt is to stop beating myself up if I think others are coping better than me…everyones different and has different things going on in their lives.
So please don’t think your not normal or feel you should of moved on by now.
Thank you for your reply. I am thinking of having counselling again, I went to Tenovus in Cardiff last time, but that’s 1/2 hr away. I had my bloods done recently when my op was booked to have the ports out, they came back ok. I am scared though of having another op as I went into respitary arrest last time.
I have on occasion thought I was bi-polar, it’s not surprising really is it LOL
I don’t know why but I’ve been really depressed all day today, it’s my birthday and it’s roughly five years since diagnosis. I was keen to have a child when i was diagnosed and then told not to do anything for 5 years, but now I’m 53 so no chance now, it was very unlikely before though. I feel my life is ebbing away. My brother rang at 5.25 this morning to say he wasn’t meeting up with me and some friends that also upset me, as I answered the phone, i thought it might be my aunt who has dementia. Then I told my parents to go and leave me alone when they rang this morning to wish me happy birthday. I don’t feel happy at all and now i feel exhausted, I wish I’d died of breast cancer but that’s so maudlin isn’t it?
Oh Mole what a terrible day you’ve had. Why is it that on the days we are expected to celebrate such sadness can overcome us? I do hope that you are feeling better tomorrow.
Margaret
I am posting information about Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service which some of you may find helpful as they can offer you one to one support over the telephone. Our Peer Support telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. The peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding.
For more information about this and our other support services available to you, please telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm) or email:
Mole - dear - I have days like that too; it could be the 5 years anniversary and the thoughts of things you wanted and didn’t get and now can’t have, and growing old - I have had a birthday recently and I just hate birthdays now, the death sentence makes me think dreadful unspeakable thoughts like will it be my last, and… well I expect you know all about it…I am sure you’ll cheer up later, just get through the day - polish the silver, scrub the sink, good book? Glass of wine, chocs? DVD? - or save them for a better mood which will soon return…thinking of you
I have just rung my brother and the kettle has been stolen from outside his door so I am now going to buy him another and he’s going to pay me for both of them. There was nothing wrong with him he just could’t be bothered to answer the phone or the door and he rang me at 5.25 am yesterday for no reason either. No birthday card or happy birthday either.
I forgot to say that on Saturday I bought my brother a kettle and he was supposed to pay for it, but as I got no answer when I took it round his house yesterday morning I left it outside the house with proof of purchase etc and he was too idle to open the door and now someone has stolen it, honestly he deserves to have it nicked.
Jeni and Mole,
Hope your both feeling a little brighter today…maybe its got something to do with the 4/5 year thing???..don’t know about you but I think about cancer more now than a couple of years ago…kind of ‘’ how much longer will my luck hold out ‘’ feeling…I know the stats say the further on from dx etc., but personally I haven’t got much faith in stats., especially as my aunt was dx with bone secondaries 15yrs after original dx.
Mind you mole I did have a chuckle about your brothers kettle…serves him right!!
Jeni…your right…wouldn’t be surprising if we were all diagnosed with bi-polar after what we’ve been through lol
I went to the Docs yeterday, she changed my anti depressants (as i’ve been on them ages lol - they’[re like a part of the family now lol) also put me forward for counselling again and gave me a slip to take to the library for some books on stress and depression.
My son is in playgroup today, so I got most of the day to myself, so, I am off back to bed. Going to give myself a treatment too. I do feel more settled this morning, I felt very stressed yesterday. I have the feeling that I need to take things back to basics and build from there - no pressure lol
I spoke to a friend who has just done a degree in psycology and she suggested I didn’t mention bi-polar yet to the docs, as it would have a knock on effect in my life. Instead to see how I got on with the new meds and counselling first. My life has been very stressful recently and she said this would make symptoms worse.
On a more positive note, I met a lady on holiday last year and she had hit her 25th anniversary of being cancer free and she smoked lol
Binnie I don’t know if you’re serious about the bipolar thing - obviously not possible to tell from here. But bear in mind that after a major life trauma like bc, which incidentally occurs in the middle of a life which is quite hard enough anyway, we all get on the ‘emotional rollercoaster’ - we have days of hope when we think yes I’ve got a future, yes i’ve got so much to be thankful for and look forward to… and days when we are full of doubts and fears and anger and grief and the rest of it. Or weeks. And so it goes.
One way of telling is to think were you like that before bc, always up and down; but even then there is more to being bipolar than that. So my suggestion - forgive me if this is impertinent - is, forget about the bipolar idea for the moment. If you really have it it’ll wait, and you can investigate it later when you’ve had ample time to make some sort of recovery from all the awful things that happened to you including bc.
Hi Jeni,
Glad your feeling a little better, maybe the new anti-depressents will help.
I think snowwhite is right in what she has said…and being diagnosed with bipolar could have a knock on effect with regards to you getting a job too.
Of course the other thing is menopausal symptoms caused by tamoxifen…they can cause depression and a mountain of different feelings too.
The lady you met on holiday must of been an inspiration…25yrs clear wow!!
Ive been working alday today…eight 0 -2 's…is quite stressful I can tell you, worked alday yesterday and working alday tomorrow…then got 2 days off…thank goodness!!
Which anti-depressents have you been given?..I’ve been on Citilopram for over 4 yrs now.
Thank you both for your advice, I am having the full on Tamoxifen side effects as I was 37 when I started it. I don’t think your being impretinent SW, I appreciate all advice, and do my best to try and not judge people. We are all unique after all and deal with things in different ways.
It’s hard to tell about Bi - Polar really. I was vdry different before having BC, very shy quiet and nervous. Now since doing Reiki, I’ve gone from a lava lamp to a light house bulb lol. I know I am still clearing things out, and normally not much gets me down, if it does I soon bounce back.
Not that I am one to whinge about my lot. But basically it is just me and Ruben. There are no grandparents, my ex does as much as he can. And my sister has been suffering with depression too, no wonder having watched her twin have BC. So I don’t like to ask her to do too much…No wonder I’m having a tough time!!
I guess this low started when a lady in work picked on me. All life’s lessons though!! I’ve left now and have a new job starting in September in a school as an LSA.
I was on Citilopram for 4 years, doc has now given me Venlafaxine 75mg (efexor xl) the dosage is different to Citilopram. A friend of mine is on them, she swears by them, so thought I’d try something new. Apparently they are great for woarry and anxiety. And they have no bromide in them like Citilopram. Not that the Tamoxifen doesn’t kill the libido anyway lol
I had my life coaching today, so feel more chipper again…but the dishes are not getting done tonight!!
Glad you’re sounding a bit more cheery Jeni - you sound like you’ve had a plateful in your life, and with not a lot of people around you to help and keep your spirits up, and I think you’re doing fantastically. Take it easy, be kind to yourself, lots of love
hi jeni,
you are sounding more cheerful…as snowwhite has said you’ve definetly had more than your fair share to deal with on top of BC.
Thats a good job to of got…LSA…I’ve thought about it…getting abit long in the tooth to be looking after babies alday. [i’m 48].I’ve been working in same job for 14yrs…just need the confidence to make the change…well done jeni on getting that job.
Ruben I presume is your son? how old is he?.
Dishes…always something to be done isn’t there!!..I’ve just finished the ironing!!!
Ruben is 4 1/2, he was 10 months when I got diagnosed, I was still breast feeding at the time. I had thickening, but everyone thought it was just a blocked duct. I became alarmed when blood came out when he was feeding…poor thing.
I’d always worked as a PA, but a lot of friends said I should work with children. I know I think outside the box and they feel this would benefit those with learning difficulties.
I’m 41 in 9 days!!! May go out on the town and have a few too many Jack Daniels lol Just for the hell of it :0) You never know I might pull, will have to put my pulling top on and flash those implants he he
Too look at me, you’d never tell I’d been down the cancer route! Everyone says I look so young, I reply it was the chemo, fountain of youth LOL
I do joke around a lot, I know its not everyones bag…anything to make life a little lighter.