I shouldn’t really complain as my OH was so fantastic when I was at my worst and he has had to cope with all my confidence struggles this year.
The gist of it is, at the time of my diagnosis in 2006 we were supposed to go to Madrid to visit friends who live there and we cancelled. I was too ill to go very far last year so we had 2 short breaks to Center Parcs. Our friends asked us to go over at Easter this year, but I wanted to finish Herceptin and there was too much going on with our business anyway. At the moment I don’t feel up to flights longer than about 90 minutes and I wasn’t the best flyer before I had BC anyway, so I suggested taking a few short trips this year. I really want to go to Belfast as my late dad was from there and I have never been - as he died 12 months before I got BC it would be like a spiritual thing for me. We are planning to go in October, which ties in with my dad’s death in 2005 and my diagnosis in 2006; I think it would maybe let me draw a line under this year (although it ends with another mammogram!)
However, our friends have been asking us over again,so OH has booked flights to Madrid at the end of November and will be away for 5 days on his own; we explained my difficulty to our friends. Thing is, I feel a bit let down as I didn’t really think he would go without me and I feel really selfish thinking like that as I couldn’t wish for a better husband. My sister is talking about coming back again in November and as things are very strained between us I’m worried it will be when OH goes to Spain and I will have to deal with her on my own. I also feel I’ve let myself down by not being confident enough to travel far.
OH says it’s nothing to do with not wanting to be away from me, but he has admitted he thinks he is being a bit selfish. I think I’m a bit vulnerable after being discharged from oncology 3 days ago, so I plan to read the Dr Peter Harvey article again this evening - I’ve had a headache since he told me he had booked the flights (our friend was on the phone this evening).
I seem to pass one milestone then another small hurdle gets in the way.
Hi, I am not a good flyer and so appreciate what you are saying but is Madrid much longer that 90 mins? Do you now feel that as he is going you want to go too? I think that I would be annoyed too if my OH went to see mutual friends on his own so don’t think that you are being unreasonable but when he comes back with tales of how much he has enjoyed himself no doubt you will be resentful (if you are anything like me) IOn the plus side if you forced yourself to go to Madrid then you wouldn’t have to put up with your sister! Not sure whether I have helped or not…
Hi Cherub,
Could you not both drive over, once you are over the channel, it prob would not take too long, then you dont have to fly and you can both get to see friends and miss your sister.
Speak more tomorrow
take care Dawn x
We, my OH and I, have never had a relationship where we have had to go everywhere together. Usually I would say this is healthy, but I’m not the best one to talk as me and OH are going through a very rough time at present.
I would just like to say that maybe you should accept that he really wants to go see your friends and you have decided you don’t or can’t, so let him go alone. Don’t read too much into it. Arrange something for you both to do on his return, and make plans for you to go as soon as you feel up to it. Don’t feel you are joined at the hip. Retain your independence.
Your OH sounds like such a good spud - don’t worry. My OH went to NZ a few years ago to see long lost family - I had other commitments and not enough leave, so I took my lot to Center Parcs instead!
I agree with Irene - it is good to be apart sometimes - gives you something to talk about when you get back together!
Can you arrange some treats/days out for yourself whilst he is gone?
you could still go to madrid there’s a lot of flights that go there - and to belfast, as there’s a lot of flights there too. don’t let your fears get in the way
I agree that sometimes its good to do seperate things, its always nice when you’ve been away and look forward to coming home to your loved ones.
My hubby was invitied on a golf weekend last year, when I was at the end of my chemo, and he refused to go. I went on and on at him to go as it was only for 1 night, and my mum only lives a mile away if I needed anything, plus it was in my good week. It got to me that he wouldn’t go as I too wanted a bit of time out.
He has been so good, he took 3 months off work when I got blood clots to look after me, although that upset me because I felt like I’d lost my independence.
Now things are getting back to normal he has changed his job, I’m “mum” again to the kids, and life has moved on.
But now he has gone the other way, where as when I mention anything about BC or have down days, he just shrugs it off.
I got all upset the other day as I couldn’t get travel insurance for USA, and all he said was “lets go anyway as life is for living”.
It made me feel like my welfare didn’t matter.
I’ve got my 6 month check up on wednesday and the butterflies are starting, but he doesn’t seem to understand.
Anyway…enough of my ranting.
Maybe think about going with him to madrid to see your friends.
The flight probably isn’t much more than 90 mins.
Maybe he has booked the flight hoping you will change your mind.
I wish you luck in your decision, but there is only you that will know whats best.
Quite frankly … (sorry but I just can’t help saying it as i think it is - not saying I am right) …
us having bc has a big ripple effect and those close to us suffer as a result - no-one’s fault and they do it willingly - but that’s how it is
as a result of having bc we realise how mortal we are - so do they. not only that one day we will pop our clogs but that they will one day too
your OH has made many willing sacrifices for you and really wants to go to Madrid
I have extreme difficultly understanding why you would prefer to stay with your sister (especially as a nightmare is on the cards) rather than go with him!
in my opinion you should go - his needs too also need to be considered - not only yours
if you can go to Belfast then you can go to Madrid - sorry
If you don’t want to speak to me anymore i will quite understand!
Why don’t you go with him to Madrid and also book some future cheap flights to Belfast?
I’m definitely going to Belfast, but I don’t feel I can go to Madrid. I feel next year will be better for me and as the business will be on better footing next year we’ve decided to go to Granada, plus a short break to Gibraltar (only ever been on a day trip and I’d like to see all the old colonial stuff). We are also planning on Venice as well.
It’s not just the flight (which I think takes 3 hours from here - it was 2 when I lived in London) another of my reasons against Madrid is our friend’s sister died of BC at the age of 45 about 10 years ago (she had a lump for 3 years and didn’t go to the Dr). He becomes very introverted and depressed at the mention of BC and on the phone last night he said he was shocked I had been discharged from oncology and would only be having a yearly mammogram and check; he very much associates BC with death I’m afraid and at the moment I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to deal with someone like that. It was like he was panicking over my discharge.
Also, as he is OHs best mate from University maybe they should spend some time on their own together.
Thing is, I’ve come a very long way confidence wise since starting counselling sessions a few months ago, so I’m a bit wary of anything that could undermine this. I’m now focused enough to be doing p/t hours in the business and taking on things OH doesn’t enjoy dealing with, plus I am studying as part of my retraining. I lost the momentum the last time my sister was here recently and I’m determined not to let that happen again as it put me back 2 weeks with my course work (back on track now thankfully). I’m also hoping to take on voluntary work soon as an outlet away from home and work and have been for a few info and recruitment sessions with local charities.
I’ve met ladies who are still having a lot of problems 3 or more years down the line and I’m trying to avoid that for myself. I see the counsellor again on Friday and will bring all this up at my discussion with her. It’s been 6 weeks since the last session, but she didn’t want to see me again until after my discharge from the clinic as she wants to see how I’m coping with that.
Hi Cherub, Im from Belfast, although live just outside now but born in Manchester, over in Leeds yearly!..i was also dx Oct 2006…Its a short flight here…if you want to pm , coffee or meet for a few!!! let me know.
I havent actually met anyone (apart from my mum! with BC)
Sorry to read of your problem. I do think communication is the key thing here. Your OH needs to understand that his friend’s attitude to BC may not be the best thing for you or your morale at the moment. You need to understand his need to catch up with his friend! My Mum is an appalling traveller and my Dad eventually decided to do a tour of America by himself rather than not go - and these two are NEVER separated! I was amazed it ever happened - but they both got what they wanted out of it - Dad got to see America a bit and Mum got to let him see America a bit! Does it really matter if your OH has a good time without you? He’s been suffering with your BC too after all, a break could do him the world of good.
I’m glad you are continuing with the counselling and your counsellor could well help you find the answers you seek.
It sounds like you are getting your life on track again, and I wish you all the best
Sue xxx