A million billion thanks!

A million billion thanks!

A million billion thanks! Hi Cathy and Withtheheploffriends!

Thank you so much for your prompt, warming and caring support - I hoped that if I asked for help someone would come up trumps and you both did. A billion million thanks and then some! I was so weepy last night that I really wasn’t coping very well but actually I was running a fever and have done so all day today so I wasn’t able to go to see Mom after all. However, her condition is unchanged and as there are others visiting her tomorrow, I’ll go on Saturday instead.

I don’t know what it is with this forum. Nobody’s met anyone else and yet you feel as if everyone is your friend - there is so much love, it’s very humbling especially when you know the kinds of situations people are struggling with themselves.

Anyway thank you again for being there when I needed you. It sounds so little when you see it contained in one sentence but it means a lot to me.

And Cathy - what happened to your appointment today? Love from P.xx

Gidday P !! Hi my friend,

What you say about this forum is so true. It provides you a place where you don’t feel afraid to be yourself. I don’t find it easy to open up to people as I always have my armour on but here I feel more at home than I do in the real world…if you know what I mean! Everyone here makes me feel that it’s safe to ditch the armour …I feel vulnerable yet liberated at the same time. I still erase the history though when I log off. Why? Don’t know if it’s because I’m not sure how my husband would deal with me being so honest or maybe I don’t want anyone from my real world ‘invading’ my space here…I would have to stop being ‘me’ if they did. What a funny old world!!!

Yesterday was a horrid day! I have been looking after my sister in laws little girls ( baby has brittle bone disease ) as she has been in hospital having a tumor removed from near her thyroid gland ( please keep a pair of fingers crossed for her and her results…)Anyway , I was driving there yesterday morning around 5.30am and I was hit my a ***%^!!-at–at–at-!! who drove straight thru a T-junction at high speed. I saw him coming out of the corner of my eye, jammed the brakes on, put the wheel on full lock , drove into the ditch and he hit me on the drivers side front corner and then SPED OFF!!! I sat in the car trying to get me head around what had just happened, screamed most unladylike abuse in the direction he had kept going ( didn’t realise I knew some of the words!!) …then I cracked up! I don’t know what made me spring into action with the brakes & wheel response but it just happen automatically…I am so glad it did as there was no time for thinking. Put it this way if I hadn’t gone onto automatic pilot there would have been one less lumpectomy patient today…he would have hit my door straight on and he must have been going at least 60. My only consolation is that my brother in law says judging by the damage to my car ( an old chunky 4x4 ) his car must be in a right state!! Yeh!!!

Anyway, I’m fine. was a bit shakey at the beginning but soon got my act together again and continued on to look after my gorgeous little nieces till their mum came home! Aaahhh!

When their mum came back from hospital, and others had arrived to help dad with the kids I took off ( avoiding all t-junctions on the way! ) to my hospital appointment. Update is that my op is on Tuesday 19th December!!! I go in for the wire localisation first then into theatre for the op. Didn’t see dr yesterday just pre-op clinic nurse. Just want it over so I can focus on home life the way I need to.

What is causing this fever of yours? I do hope it goes soon as I know you need to see your mum. If you go on Saturday please take it steady and hold on to the time you have left with your mum tightly with both hands…it’s precious.

Take care my friend and I’m thinking of you…

LOL

Cx

Hi P and Cathy Its is as you say good to come on this forums and take down all the barriers you have up in’life’. I think its because alot of the feelings you have could be very hurtful to thoses around you. I don’t feel anything is forvever anymore, and if I said that to my hubby he would be davasted. But when you have lost so much, you think like that. It too is a reminder that you have to grab the moment, and have no regrets.

I am sorry that you are both having such a tought time at the moment. I logged on this morning to see how things went yesterday. I’m sorry you were unwell. Take care for Saturdays visit. Mind those T junctions!

I do feel as if you have become my firend,and maybe my counsellor too!

Take care, just off to take my son to work. 9 miserable as usual!)

Thinking of you both. Speak soon.
xx

for cathy Hi Cathy!

Thanks so much for the replies and the caring - Mom was “fine” this morning having enjoyed her breakfast and apparently no longer running a temperature - so what do the medics know? - she’s had more resurrections than Lazarus since she’s been in hospital! I’ve been up and down that motorway so many times over the past six months that I’m sure they’ve painted white dotted lines up my spine - but just for something completely different, I guess I’ll be going down there again tomorrow, all being well. I’ll watch out for the t-junctions though.

I’m suffering from a tummy bug which always spooks me with Mom having C-Diff! She’s barrier nursed by the staff but all visitors get is a silly little bit of a red plastic apron you tear off a roll like clingfilm. Last time we went, we duly tore off the bits of plastic only to find ourselves struggling to pull red plastic bags labelled Hazardous Waste over our heads. It gave the nurses a giggle anyway! And my waist is definitely hazardous…

So how are things with you after yesterday’s excitement? You really are a SUPERHERO aren’t you - managing to instinctively save your own life, lash out expletives at the driver threatening it (I’d’ve been in speechless shock!) and then carry on to babysit your nieces and keep your clinic appoitment. Watch out for the medal coming your way!

Can this be the same woman who sent a message before that still worrying about whether she made the right choices around her mother’s dying and funeral period? Cathy you are drop dead wonderful and every decision you make is exactly the right decision for you. I’d’ve done the same and I’d’ve wanted the same done for me in those circumstances but that’s not the point.

There are people who are blessed with being able to give to others and those who are blessed in being able to accept from others. You give give give give and then give some more, so now take take take and take this from me - whenever I find myself upset about events long after they’ve finished, I try and remember to treat myself as if I were my own much loved daughter or sibling or friend.

What would I want to do for them? How would I want them to feel? What is the best outcome they could have? Think about it, Cathy. What would help you most now? Give it to yourself! It might mean that you’d play the cassette now, accepting that you did the best you could at the time. Someone cared enough for you to try and get you to be a part of that funeral by making a cassette. It might mean chucking the darned thing away - that was then, this is now. Or it might mean leaving it in storage knowing it is there for you if or when you want it.

Your Mum had your company at a time when she needed you. That’s really great! Not many people can think of someone else’s needs when serving them makes it so hard on yourself but you did. I’d hate to think you were beating yourself up over not being able to be at the funeral.

As for the lumpectomy - when I had one years ago it turned out to be an amazing experience because of all the rapport between fellow patients all awaiting similar ops with the possiblity of it being cancer. Mine turned out to be a benign fibroadenoma but I’ll never forget the experience and the long two week wait afterwards for the results. Hopefully your lump is benign too. Have you scoured the chatforums because I’m sure I came across someone who’s had the same procedure as yours and was very positive (and had a benign outcome, too). I love good news so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Loads of love and cyberhugs from P. xx

Hello again withthehelpoffriends Hello again withthehelpoffriends - you wouldn’t care to shorten your nom-de-plume would you! I keep spelling it wrongly and have to redo it.

It’s horrible when you get a sad mood day isn’t it? That’s why I thought of you the other day when i was so down. I knew you’d understand what I was feeling like. So thank you for responding so buoyantly even while you were feeling bad yourself. That was so kind of you.

I read somewhere that it’s those little acts of kindness that make the world seem a better place both for the giver and the one on the receiving end, so I hope you feel even the tiniest bit better knowing you made my day. Thank you so much!

So is there anything in particular that has got to you at the moment that it would be good to talk-out? You know by now that I’m always here for you. I would never want the role of counsellor though so let’s keep it to friends.

I did a course in Counselling once and failed miserably because i recognised in myself two huge problems - one was the “neediness” in me to be overly “helpful” so I’d get to play the part of the very glamorous Fairy Godmother and wave magic wands all over the place and the other was the failed Trappist Monk syndrome. I speak too much and listen too little. So no career-move there then! There was another aspect - imagine how dreary your life could be if you spent it focussed on other people’s boring problems all day long when you could be out dancing with your friends! I need the bright side.

Despite the sad mood days you are having, you have so many bright spots too. You are successfully dealing with bc and have come across some really good people on your journey whom you’ve mentioned before. This is your TRANSITION time where nothing is forever because it need to be changing - it is folowing a period in which you have had to change because of bc, but your life hasn’t yet had time to catch up. It’s like the season of winter when the seeds are still there in the ground growing roots but they wont emerge until spring. It must be a difficult time for you - like being trapped in one of those fun Sumo-wrestler rubber suits? In the world but not quite able to connect with it? But hang on in there. Because nothing lasts forever, neither will this.

I can only repeat that you can talk here at any time about anything if it would help. Like you say, you can say anything you like and it doesn’t hurt a soul here. You know by now that we are all on your side and cyberhugs are always in plentiful supply.

Loads of love from P xx

PS Don’t forget to include some treat for you in your days

visit to Mom Hi both of you!

I finally got to see Mom yesterday and she was so poorly the nurse gave her only 48 hours max, but today she is absolutely fine again! We’ve changed her name to Easter Sunday! Listened to a radio prog on C-Diff and felt better because others have been in the same boat. I do wish they’d invest money in cleaning hospitals.

It was a dreadful motorway journey but no problems with the t-junctions. How are you Cathy? I thought you might be feeling battered and bruised now that the shock is wearing off? Hope you are well!

And W. I was reading a book on emotions (things you do to pass sleepless nights!) and it said that sad emotions often occur when a person is at a transition period in their lives. The scientists think it might be to try and stop the person from embarking on a new project too soon. Sad feelings are associated with loss of energy and this makes it difficult to summon up the get up and go to make changes which you might otherwise rush into doing - and then fail at because they are not the right thing for you at that moment. So then you’d feel worse. The right moment will come. (Of course other scientists have other views but that’s as far as I’ve read). The easiest way out of sad feelings is to force a smile that includes wrinkling up the corners of your eyes. This releases dopamine which makes you feel good again. (It’s what addicts get from drugs, alcohol, chocolate and writing to chat forums?) Please practise smiling in the privacy of your bathroom in case someone sees you and sends for the men in white coats to take you away.

Love and laughter, P. xx

Message for P… Have decided that the P must stand for Possum!! ( a very lovable, cuddly animal that make you feel good when you look at it!!!)

I feel fine after my taste of ’ T-Junctionitis ’ !! My brother in law is amazing as he pushed everything back into place and glued it all together again and the damage doesn’t look so scarey now. There is no time to sit and dwell on it as life goes on and I hate to say this but I do take comfort in the fact that his car must be a mess on one side!! Not like me at all that comment as I’m normally more forgiving than that!!
Feeling bah humbug today! I can just feel that my husband is heading for a major low session and that always worries me as I never know how far he will take it. I have to tell him some financial news that won’t please him but I’m scared of what he might do. I know I have to tell him but when he says things like " one more bit of bad news will send me over the edge " I hold back from saying anything and that just makes matters worse. I know the ‘dive’ will occur this week so I am trying to prepare myself for it. I know what you are going to say when I say that I feel responsible for how he is and it scares the living daylights out of me that I could be the cause of him doing the extreme. My common sense head tells me that that is codswollop and yet my emotional head says he may not have had a better life if he had married someone else. This is definitely going to sound bonkers but I am hoping my biopsy results are benign more for my husbands sake than mine.
I know I must be strong and take the bull by the horns and tell him what he won’t want to hear …I will put on all my wet weather gear and ride out the storm…pretty sure it will be a gale force 10!!!

Anyway! Life wasn’t meant to be wheezy said the asthmatic! So bring it on!

I am sounding like a moaning minnie today and I don’t like that. I got accidently elbowed in the breast with the lump last night by my son as we were having one of our crazy wrestling matches ( yes ok was probably not the most sensible thing to do but my sons and I have a great bond and part of that is made up of fun! Anyway, paying the price today as the pain is bad.

I am going to sound very dim now but what exactly is C-Diff? Is it like MRSA? It must be so hard for you living this rollercoaster ride of a life. All you can do is take one day at a time I guess.

You are an amazing person because you seem to be going through hell but still manage to give so much support and good advice to us here. When did you last get a hug?

I am going now as I intend to look at myself in a mirror and tell myself to stop moaning and get my act together again. Think I need to tighten my armour a bit!!

Take care my friend and I will post soon. Please give yourself a bit hug as I can’t give it to you myself.

LOL

Cxx

So sorry P… I have just watched a programme about C-Diff. I don’t know what to say P except I now understand what you are going through and what your mum has been put through. I asked in my last post what was C-Diff and now I know. Why is it that somewhere that should be a safe haven ends up being the cause of a living hell?

My thoughts are with you, and your mum . Here for you 24/7 if needed.

LOL

Cx

for cathy Hi Cathy!

It’s so good to get your post and all your caring. Mom is still relatively well but still having to be changed 15-20 times per nursing shift. C-Diff is an absolutely horrible condition to have to cope with especially for the patient but spare a thought for the poor nurses, too. I saw some of that prog on TV tonight - someone phoned me up to tell me it was on. I can’t believe that when we first heard that Mom had got C-Diff we all breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t MRSA. Ironic eh?

And how are you feeling now? I tried to reply to your post earlier but I’d just about finished writing when my internet connection was terminated and it wouldn’t let me connect again. It happens to me a lot. I’ve long since decided it’s because I use two fingers to type with and my computer feels insulted and goes off in a huff…

It’s horrible when you get bah humbug days and I love the way you still breeze along with a smile (albeit fixed?!!). It is so difficult for you with hubby’s condition. My sister’s kid suffers from manic-depression - or should that be my sister does because she’s the one that has to pick up the pieces all the time, despite her daughter now being an adult herself and living on her own. I think it’s natural to feel responsible for your husband, but I just wish you had someone to off-load the responsibility onto for a while and give you a break.

You only have to flick through these chatforums to realise that some people find it hard enough just trying to cope with this roller-coaster ride without also having to worry about their husband’s health and his reactions to your situation. It must be so hard for you. I know men aren’t necessarily the best support when worrying about bc but at least they can go with you to clinic and be a second pair of ears or just give a supporting hug. So in the absence of that, you are welcome to moan to me any time you like. I’d offer to come with you to clinic but even for you I don’t think I could face another motorway journey just yet - sorry!

And don’t worry about me going through Hell. I’m not! I see Life as if I’m one of the cast of a soap opera. Sooner or later the script writers tire of one story-line and move on to another - it might be my turn to grab the spotlight this time or it might be one of the other cast. Of course, my character can run the gamut of emotions and get really upset the way she did last week but she’ll survive with chatforum helpers. I had it written into my contract!

Love and laughter and loads of cyberhugs from P. xx