A worried young Husband & Father

Hi, I am very new to this and have only realised over the past two weeks that I must have been in denial, my wife was diagnosed in feb, with secondary breast cancer in the bones and fluid in the lung lining, with three tumors across the breasts, we went through chemo, and she is now taking arimidex and bisphophonates etc, her recent check up was good, the lungs look better and she only has to go back every six weeks for check ups, I have been supportive and done as much as I can to be there for her, and our 19 month old daughter. we do have some pressures from her family but that is slowly stopping, they need help, but will have to go else where for it now.

8 months in. a good and very supportive friend on mine, who has been through losing both his parents, took me out drinking two weeks ago and told me to relax and enjoy myself. unfortunately i got very drunk, and according to the doc, it caused a stress reaction, It unleased a whole world of pain and tension for me, I have been given some sleeping tabs, very low dosage diazepam, and it seems to help me sleep, I ave been on the phone to the support group, and am waiting for pier support, (they are finding it hard to find me a match). I had my first counciling session last week, and have another to night.

I have ton’s of fears, where is the light at the end of the tunnel, how will i cope if i have to be a single parent, my wife and daughter mean the world to me and i will do everything in my power to be a good person, I will always tell my daughter how great he mum is, and if i have to how great she was. I feel guilty for wanting some sort of relief, we try and enjoy every day , and focus on the positive but it is hard with the dreaded cancer in the back of my mind all the time, I wish my parents and brother werent so far away.

I know that these things can go one for a long time and we should live for today, but learning how to cope after blocking out for 8 months is proving to be quite tuff.

Any other husbands and fathers out there going through the same thing, or families with similar situations. your advice would be great

If there is anyone who can relate. some support would be greatly recieved.

My parents will be there when and if i really need them, so i suppose that is something, just wish i could get a hug from mum or dad. they will as i said be there for me, and are visiting in three weeks, couldnt come sooner.

sorry to waffle, but i have to get home to my family and wanted to get as much down as possible.

My heart goes out to you all, life throws some serious S**T at us, and i am sure we’ll all get through things somehow. I just sometimes feel that you cant see the wood for the trees,

Peace and love

Matt

Hi Matt, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, but I think in a way it is ‘better out than in’. We all react to the shock of cancer in such different ways. I know i was completely unfeeling for weeks and weeks - a sort of denial.
I am really glad you are getting some help and support - taking that first step is the hardest part.
I am not a husband or partner, but I just wanted you to get a reply straight away. I’m sure some other guys will come on later and share their experiences with you.
I expect you have read some of the secondaries posts - there are tons of us here living very well with secondaries, and for a very long time, so take heart.
Sending you supportive cybervibes
Hang in there
love Jacquie

hi Matt …just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing getting some support .you cannot deal with something of this magnitude alone it makes me very sad when young mums get struck down with this B*****Y,C***P disease …as Jacquie says so rightly people live for years and years and years with secondaries …one of my close friends is as we speak …so hold that thought …and live for today and I hope that all goes good for you and your young family
lots of love and hugs to ya (((((((((((((((((((0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) hugs for you all xxxxxxxx

/…bye for now Maz xxxxxx

Sorry no other husbands have replied. A blow out and getting out in open is probably what you needed. Hope a big hug comes you way soon. I lost my husband about 5 years ago at the age of 30 and know its hard to deal with all the what if’s but enjoy your life for what t is and grab every support you want and hide away when you want, things are hard to deal with but we bash on regardless and hope you have lots of many happy times ahead of you with your family
xxxx

Matt, I think that you’re doing fantastically well, under nightmarish circumstances. Hold your head high and be proud-you’ve taken a difficult step by asking for counselling, something which many people (men in particular) can be hesitant of doing.As Jacksy said-“better out than in”! It’s good to hear that your parents will be with you soon, and I’m sure that they too will help you cope with your fears.Rest assured…it will get better, as you learn to cope, and go with the flow. Many people live with mets for many years;the treatments are getting better and more effective…in many cases metastatic cancer is succesfully treated as a chronic condition, and is not an automatic death sentence nowadays.

Wishing you much success with the counselling, hoping that your wife continues to make good progress-and enjoy the visit from your parents. Hugs to you all,xx

Hey Guys,

THanks for the much needed boost, it helped, I went to counceling last night and like the last session, i cam out stronger, I am going weekly for another two weeks and hope to knock the sleeping tablets on the head next week, we have arranged for my counciling to be the last day of the sleeping tablets,

I have always had the problem of not seeing the good things in life anyway, and the counceller, a lovely older lady, is slowely help, cancer or no cancer life is uncertain and we must all live for to day, my daughter makes me smile on a daily basis, and i am starting to see more positives than negatives,

I am hoping to be a regular here now, because even though this is my first post, your words have given strength to me, like i said this condition/illness shows the true strenght of the human nature, I will and will try to be the strongest I can be but accept that we are not heroes,

I block the negatives more quickly and really try to focus on the positives.

Where are all the men, I am sure if we could talk, we would all feel better.

Thank you kindly for your words, Jacksy, lisaf, mazaroo & ElaineD

do any of you have children?

Well done Matt really hope the counselling gets you off those sleeping tablets. I always look on the dark side of things too, but some people on here give you real inspiration and make you look at the good side. I dont have any kids unfortunately.

Well done, I am glad the counselling is helping you. I started counselling a few months ago as I had a lot of sleep problems and nightmares; also a lot of confidence issues relating to my cancer and I was not focused enough to work.

After 5 sessions I am a different person - my sleep was sorted out after 2 sessions and I feel much more confident and now managing some work and study. I hope to be discharged after my next session. The counselling has taught me how to approach things in a better and more calm way and to dump the past and get on with the future. I have let such a lot of baggage go.

I sometimes think the men get a bit forgotten in all this, but I know it was my OH’s strength of character that kept me going on some very dark days.

Hi Matt well done …my children are all grown up …have no grandchildren yet …I hadcounselling a few years before BC as I lost both my parents 8 weeks apart without going into vast details …the time before they died was very traumatic as my dad had dementia and it was really hard …It helped me as I had some real issues and in a strange way I think that it helped me cope when I was dx with BC last october…I do hope that you carry on going and you get some comfort and help xxxxxx

Well yet again ladies I appreciate your help and support, I know we all have alot to be positive for, and we all know statistic are just that, statistics, and we can all prove them wrong, I feel that couceling is helping, and that as a youngish man, I have had to deal with things that i am not ready for, I suppose it is just a period of adjustment and I am sure, I can work through this and enjoy life with my best friend (wife) and our lovely daughter, for a very long time yet. at 28 you dont think that you will have to deal with this, at this time in life, but thats life, its great then its not then its great, we all stand strong and battle through.

I will as we all should enjoy life to the maximum. cancer or no cancer everyone should adopt this attitude. live for today, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I have slowly realised this about life and will be there for my wife, and daughter and will make them proud, I will pick myself up and do the right thing.

Its a blessing to have a daughter who brings a wonderful ligght into my lfe everyday at such a time like this.

As i said before, I hope to be hear alot, as you have all been so supportive, considering its my first post.

Thank you very much.

Hi Matt-glad that we’re able to lighten your load a little. You asked if I have kids- we have 2, both in their 20s, but they’re still my “babies”!

It makes me so angry to see what appears to be progressively younger people suffering from this c*** disease.I honestly don’t know if we could have coped anywhere near as well as you are doing,if this has happened to me when we were your age. Your determination and love for your family shines out from your posts, and I honestly think you are demonstrating wisdom and maturity beyond your years. You’ve grasped the proverbial nettle, and are working hard at dealing with all the fear that is now a daily part of your life.

If you can take a day at a time in the meantime,just small steps forward at a pace with which you are comfortable, then the whole picture may not seem quite so threatening and insurmountable. Enjoy your evening with your lovely family-well done once again.

Again, thank you ladies for your support, i am well on the way to becoming strong, have beein chatting with Siggo (lee).

Glad to have found another bloke, no offense ladies. you are all amazing.

I hope to be a regular now and find these forums very helpful,

Thank you BCC and thank you ladies.

See you around.

Peace and love to you all.

Matt

Hi Matt

I just wanted to say that you sound like one hell of a guy!

You are doing all the right things - in one of the worst possible life siuations.

Love to your baby and wife, and yourself

xx

Sadly my wife lost her fight with cancer on the 3rd Jan. She had fought it for nearly 8 years. I am sure its even harder when you have a young family ours are now up and away . You will no doubt like us found that along the path there are still good times to be had as well as the bad ones. Make the most of the good ones. You will find friends in unexpected places and friends who don’t want to know.One thing we learnt over time was don’t accept everything you are told by specialists they are doing a good job but are not always right they are human the same as us.There are plenty of good people out there that can help and give support.

Hi Marell

I just wanted to pass on Breast Cancer Care’s sincere condolences for the loss of your wife.

Our thoughts are with you and your family at this very sad time.

Kindest regards.

Louise

Hi Marell,my deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family,

Josie