Accepting the change

I finished treatment just under 2 years ago. I had a very quick and easy time as only needed a mastectomy and HT after. I was supposed to have recon at the same time but there was a possibility it couldn’t be completed because of previous surgery on my stomach. When I woke up I was told they couldn’t go ahead so I had had a skin sparing mastectomy and reduction on the good side. 
I didn’t/couldn’t prepare myself for any of this and felt like I walked through it completely numb. Post surgery the emotion hit me like a brick and I’m still struggling. Since then covid has delayed a further attempt at recon but I am on the waiting list. 
Is it reasonable to still be struggling 2 years on? I find the smallest things upsetting and I’ve no interest in clothes or how I look and I still have post mastectomy pain.  I know all I have to do is accept it’s happened and move on as I can’t change any of it and I couldn’t avoid it but I find it so hard. 
I’m speaking to a counsellor once a week but I’m thinking of stopping. I think until I change how I feel and start to accept it nothing is going to help. 

Hi, I’m just over two years on and would like to reassure you it’s ok and normal to still be dealing with the emotions of all we’ve been through. I also felt very emotionally numb when it was all happening and my MacMillan nurse was very helpful when I told her. She said feeling nothing or numb is the brains way of shielding you when you’ve had a shock and so I should just accept it and go with it. But I do wonder if it delays emotional recovery. It must have been very hard for you not having the recon when you wanted it, and now all the delays due to covid. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel like you can close the chapter yet, so it’s good you’re still seeing a counsellor. Sometimes when we are feeling low we don’t believe we deserve help and support, but we do and sometimes we need to learn how to be kind to ourselves. Also, don’t underestimate how much being in pain can drag down our mood. Pain uses up a lot of energy. I had post-mastectomy pain and frozen shoulder and thought I just had to put up with it but my breast care nurse referred me to physiotherapy and it made a huge difference. The general exercises we’re given in a leaflet are good, but a physiotherapist can help you with exercises particularly to suit you and also help you cope with pain too. In fact, I think I felt considerably better when the pain was sorted because if you have a nagging pain or stiffness it’s a constant reminder isn’t it. Like you, I thought nothing was going to help, but it was just didn’t know what was possible and I didn’t have the answers myself and needed to get advice. Ring the helpline here, try your doctors, or your breast care nurse and they should be able to point you in the right direction like they did me. Even just sharing things on this forum helps - problem shared, problem halved etc. For example, reading your post has helped me know I’m not alone in how I’ve felt. Hope mine has helped you a bit too.