Advice please girls !

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1

Hi Girls

I have a dilemma, which I would appreciate your advice on please.

I had a close friend who I had known for over 17years - we were very close at one point, we’re godparents to each others children. However, over the past few years, I began to realise how selfish and shallow she was - she’s one of these people who have everything but moan constantly about how life has treated them. She has no money worries, a great husband, three great kids, beautiful home, and overall good health, BUT constantly moans about her life, and has fallen out with her family and other friends so many times over the most trivial of things. I’m not perfect, but I have never been of that kind of personality - I’ve always looked on the bright side of life (there’s a song there!), and have realised that there is always someone worse off than me, and life is too short to fall out all the time.

Needless to say over the past couple of years, I began to question our friendship, i.e. why were we friends? What have we in common apart from our kids ? I was sick of her moaning, and if I’m honest, was looking for a way to end the friendship without upsetting her. My husband had never liked her, always saying what a selfish self-centered woman she was, and I know he was right, but after 17 years, how do you tell someone that you don’t want them in your life anymore ?

I was diagnosed with bc on 4th April, and dropped her a quick e-mail to let her know (our friendship had deteriorated by this point to just e-mails). She responded back, saying how sorry she was, that she was sure I had enough support around me, but that she was there for me.

Last week, after hearing NOTHING from her since that e-mail, a bouquet of flowers arrived with a note saying she was thinking of me and missed me. This may be the case, but where has she been for the past five months ? To be honest, she has absolutely no idea of my prognosis, or where I am with my treatment, or to put it bluntly, whether I’m actually still here or not ! We dont share the same circle of friends so she has had absolutely no way of knowing how I am.

As you all know, the first few weeks after being diagnosed are horrendous and going through chemo is tough; I’ve had brilliant support from my best friends who I knew would come through for me, and have also made new ones along the way, who have been so supportive, and will continue to be so. These will be my friends for life, and I’m so so fortunate to have them.

I haven’t missed this particular friend, because as I say, I was questioning our friendship anyway, BUT I have to say had the tables been turned and it was her who had been ill, there is no way I could have turned my back on her (as much as I wanted to !)

What do I do now ? I don’t want to re-kindle our friendship, however I would like to thank her for the flowers, as I would feel bad not to. I don’t need her as a friend, these past few months have made me realise who my true friends are.

Your advice would be appreciated !

Thanks girls, and love to you all

Julie xxx

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Hiya Julie

I have been in exactly the same situation. Was first diagnosed at age 38, close friend, also godparents to my children, very similar in nature to yours, came to visit one afternoon soon after diagnosis. After that any contact was always made by me, and when I did talk to her, she was still the old moaning person she ever was and to be honest I just didn’t have the patience. Felt like saying, you really have nothing to moan about. Anyway, cut a long story short, it got to the stage where Xmas cards once a year were our only contact.

Just a few days ago, it was our 30th wedding anniversary, and who should phone. eleven years on. I asked how she was, and again the moaning started and when she eventually asked how we were I gave it to her with both barrels - Currently undergoing chemo and fighting “Round 2”. She sounded really upset and couldn’t stop apologising/crying and I felt a bit mean, but have said I’ll call her again in the New Year when I’m up and back on track.

I have learnt that you lose friends who you think are for life, and true friends suddenly appear from areas you never thought of. I will probably give this lass another try, but I know who’s really been there for me and they are the ones who matter.

Hope this helps - good luck with the rest of your treatment.
Cheers
Anne

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I have changed so much since I hit 50… plus 6 more…hehe… I forgive everyone for everything… we are all different…we all have different levels of sensitivity… sometimes people love you and they don’t show it…and actually are quite taken back if u mention it with a comment like…oh my gawd…u know i love u… forgiveness feels good and leaves u feeling all warm and fuzzy. Do what u feel u wanna do… and by the way… I don’t know u at all but I am betting u r a gr8 gal !!!

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Dear Julie
My best friend is also the one who moans most. She complained about absolutely nothing one night that I asked her to leave or SHUT UP. Dont feel you need to acknowledge the flowers from your friend. Accept them in the way they were sent. Let her phone you to see you got them and then remind her that people have been so supportive and kind you really couldnt ahve the time or energy to thank them all. I came out of a scan one day and siad to my OH the news will be ripplin out about my bc. turned on my phone and had 25 messages! I didnt relpy to any but never once jhas the sender of each message never text me again. True and proper friendship doesnt need to be marked.
hug for you
Missi -x-

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Hi there

again, same sort of situation and im sure were all the same when it comes to finding out who your true friends are, I was disappointed with an old friend who didnt even email me to find out how my op was and i felt angry about it and even though she’s emailed me now i think well im just not that important to you so im not going to worry about it, if she emails me then just send a nice but simple email back and thats it. I have 3-4 very good friends who have been there 100% throughout my treatment and I know that I will have them for the rest of my life, so i would do as i have and just concentrate on your true good friends that have been there for you and try not to waste to much time and energy on this other friend, a simple “im ok” email should give her the message, now dont stress yourself anymore, your body doesnt need it.

love Tracey
xxx

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I had a selfish mate who i dropped years ago, because i had too many great mates to bother with her. Any conversation soon turned back round to her. (we all know someone like that). Anyway she found out I was in trouble and called me. That’s when I told her the trouble I was in. She was shocked I had BC and thought I had fallen out with OH. Anyway, arranged to meet up and it turns out, reading between the lines I think she thought I would go back to being drinking partner etc. No chance! Reason for making contact was 'cos all her other mates were dropping her. Wonder why!

Moral of the story is, your mate may have sent you flowers but she may be in need of you and not thinking what she can do for you. Once someone is that self-centred, they wont change. All the people I considered mates have come up trumps.
One thing BC taught me, life’s to short to waste time with people who are a negative drain on your time. You sound like you have a great bunch of mates around you + made new ones along the way so why bother. You soundlike you are surrounded by love so keep it positive.

Big hug from a BC cyber pal
x

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Hi, you are obviously not the type to just be able to ignore someone no matter how you feel or you wouldnt be asking for help. I am like that too. If you think you will feel guilty by not acknowledging the flowers then just send a simple thank you card or email. You dont have to say whats going on in your life or ask of hers, just a polite thanks, what a lovely suprise will do.

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hmmm. One of the few (very few) good things of this illness, is that it forces us to prioritize and to see what we really want - and who are our real friends around. Personally, I’ve been truly touched by some people I barely knew - who have been incredibly present and supportive - and just the same, some family members who sent flowers, but never even bothered to give a phone call. From my point of view - flowers without a call are akin to send flowers to my funeral. NOT really appreciated - it shows a duty act rather than any caring… and you know what? I have no time for that. For the record, I sent an email saying thanks for the flowers, and that’s it. Still no call after 2 months… go figure.

I also have found that there are people I can’t be bothered to share the news with. I have a very old friend - we have known each other since we were 18 yrs old! have fallen out a bit like you did with your friend - and I really don’t feel in me to reply by email with my stories of woe… Why? because I think she has been very centered on her life for years, and I don’t have anything to share in that. So, out with the old, in with the new!

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Girls

Thank you so so much for your replies - seems we all know someone like my “friend” - how sad.

I have to agree with “possitivethinker”, in that she probably needs me, rather than thinking what she can do for me. Knowing her as I do, this could well be the case. The past few months have made me realise I definitely no longer want her and her negativity in my life. When I think over the past 17 years, she has never been there for me when I’ve needed her, compared to the times I have been there for her (and some!).

I think what I will do is send her a short e-mail, thanking her for the flowers, and leave it at that.

Thanks again for your advice - I really do appreciate it._

Big hugs and love to you all xxxx

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Hi Girls

Just wanted to update you. I’ve sent an e-mail to this “friend”. Very short and to the point, to thank her for the flowers (I would have felt bad if I hadn’t ), and I just signed off with my name. No kisses or anything (which is unusual for me). Well that was a few days ago, and I haven’t heard anything back.

I hope you don’t think I’m hard hearted doing that - nothing could be further from the truth, but having bc has made me realise who my true friends are, and unfortunately she’s not one of them.

Thanks again - won’t be on here for a while, so good luck to you all with whatever treatments you’re having !

Lots of love

Julie xxxx

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Hi all,

Julie the way to think about this “friendship” is think about if she was not your friend what exactly would you miss about not having her in your life? If the answer is nothing - then just let it dwindle it’s way out. You have sent a thank you (and I would have done the same) - and leave it at that.

I too am reassessing my friends, some have been really good, but some have just wanted to know the latest “news” before anyone else! (hot off the press, so to speak!). My real friends have been brill, no cliches, I was with one last week and I parked on double yellow lines and she said “do what you want you have cancer!” - that’s what friends are for!

And flowers just sent with no phone call before - that is the biggest no no in my book, I am sure you would never do it Julie. Have had all kinds of people come out of the woodwork to ask how I am, and feel like I am becoming a cancer bore, am sure I could take a medical exam on BC and pass with flying colours!

We all need a shoulder to cry on, if they are not there for that, then you make sure you are not there for them.

Karen

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Julie

I applaud you, it is always very hard to deal with “friends” like these, especially when you are going through something like BC. Now’s the time to just put her and her friendship behind you.

years ago i was sent te following, hope it helps

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason, you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person/people (any way);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

hugs

ruth
x

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Julie

Just read your other post - wishing you all the best for the next few days - thinking of you.

Anne x

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Hi Julie/ Ruth

What a lovely poem, it says it all really doesn’t?

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thank you cb, i think so too. I’ve treasured it for years now and, when it seems like friends behave strangely, i go back to it and read it through, usually helps :slight_smile:

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Hi quisie,

Poems are such a source of strength and I love collecting them.
I have a wonderful poem my friend wrote when she knew she was dying (Not of BC)
I read it out at her funeral. The poem was printed on her ‘order of service’ No end of people contact the family and said how it helped them and how it reflected her zest for life.

Thanks for posting yours

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Hi Ladies

Thanks for your lovely comments, and Ruth that’s a lovely poem - thankyou.

Well, I came out of hospital yesterday after having mastectomy and node clearance last Wednesday. Needless to say, have been indundated with visits and phone calls from my wonderful true friends. If BC has taught me anything, its to treasure those who mean something to you, and I feel absolutely blessed to have them in my life.

Love to you all, and big hugs all round

Julie xx

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Hi Julie,

I am glad you are now home and recovering from your op. I wish you a very speedy recovery. Be sure to take things easy and allow yourself to be pampered! I found that really difficult at first but then soon got used to it!!

You are absolutely right about treasuring those close to us!

Take care and look after yourself,

Kelly
-x-

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Thanks Kelly

Am trying to take things easy, but the minute I sit down I see something that needs doing so I get up and do it (my hubby said last night he wished I was back in hospital ! - I’m sure he doesn’t mean it really !).

I know its your last chemo today, so I’m looking forward to hearing how you got on.

Take care

Love Julie xx