Hi all
I’ve sat here for a good 20 minutes trying to decide where to put this…I have been NED for over a year (dx Jan 06, WLE, mastectomy,FEC and rads). I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. A good strong marriage and family, a loving hubby, all in all life is good. Why, oh why then do I feel so…ugly. I hate the scar, the lopsidedness, the prostesis, the horrid ‘dent’. I know that I should be glad to be alive and feel that I probably deserve to feel like this comsidering that there are people out there far worse off and all that. But I feel childish and hate it all, I wish it had never happened, I am sick of trying not to think about it, trying not to look, trying not to make a decision on whether I have a recon…I don’t want a recon. I know that for a lot of us this is psychological as well as physical, but today I am struggling with it. An aquaintance has also joined the BC journey recently and has had a mastectomy and just finished chemo. I saw her the other day and she looked so confident and great actually. She wasn’t wearing a wig or hat and didn’t have a prostesis on but was smiling and seemed ‘happy’. I never let anyone outside see me bald, or with one boob…am I vain? I feel vain and maybe that’s why this still gets to me. I sometimes wonder if I am punishing myself by not have the recon…but then other days I know that it’s because it still won’t be MY boob, that me, the person I was will never return. To the outside world I appear to cope and smile and all that, but only last weekend I was crying again and feeling sorry for myself. It’s all so pathetic, I am so cross with myself and feel like I want rebel and be impulsive. My poor hubby has been such a fantastic support, what if I drive him away? I try not to bother him with it most of the time…I do confide in him and he is always there for me, but I am very concious of the fact that perhaps I have problems that I try not to go on at him. So very sorry to go into one, thank goodness for this site!!!
Seriously, have I gone a bit mad? and am I vain?
love and hugs
Scarlet.xxxx 
I just want to come to your house and give you a huge big hug cos you sound so sad in your post. Sounds like you are finding the psychological side really hard and that is understandable. As for being vain … I wouldn’t say it’s vanity per se, you are mournig the loss of your breast and not wanting to replace it with a subsitute is understandable … as you say you want your old boob back and your old self back. Sadly that can’t happen but that’s not to say you should just get on with it. Don’t beat yourself up over the ‘other ppl are worse off’…it’s not to say cos someone else has a longer treatment or whatever that you should not feel sad at your own situation and don’t compare your friends way of coping with your way and decide she is better … you can’t help how you are feeling and the emotional side of this disease is different for everyone. I think you would benefit from speaking to your breast care nurse or a counceller, or even your GP. Get some support and perhaps some of the things you are worrying about can get sorted out.
I can’t totally understand what you are feeling cos I didn’t lose my boob - they just gouged a bit out and left me with a 4 inch scar from my boob to my armpit, I’m fine with the scar - it’s not my 1st surgical scar and this new one is not as bad as the one I have on my back from a previous operation. I would prefer that I didn’t have it but I don’t cringe when I see it every day.
to go back to the vanity issue … I’ll tell you what vanity is (and stupid vanity at that)… I had my belly button pierced about 5 years ago and I had to take out my belly bar when I had my surgery … didn’t put it back in immediately and by the time I got round to trying to put it back in I discovered that it had started to heal over and it will need to be re-pierced before I can wear a bar again… it really annoyed me and it’s stupid cos it wasn’t like anyone else ever saw it to be honest, at aged 40 I’m not in the habit of wearing short tops or anything so why it was such a big deal I can’t explain… now that’s vanity
Hiya Scarlet
Firstly, I will apologise if I say anything that will upset anyone, but it’s my birthday today, have just been out for a fantastic meal (MJ’s in Darwen - highly recommended) and had a few wines, so tough.
You are NOT vain, you are a woman, it’s important how we look. I felt, personally, that I had to look as ‘normal’ as possible, throughout treatment, always put on make-up and wore a wig. I didn’t want to stand out and have people staring at me, so carried on as normal (whatever that is). I think we have to be a bit selfish sometimes and if we upset anyone, unintentionally, then so be it. You have to think of your own feelings and do what makes you feel good, god knows we have been through enough. I didn’t have a mastectomy, but even though I’ve still got my boob, I feel it’s let me down and can’t bear it being touched, almost as if it doesn’t belong to me (does that make sense). A lot of us have good family and friends, a lot to be thankful for etc., but we have still all been through the same horrible experience and will probably never be the same again. When we started this ‘journey’ (hate that phrase), we were women and we are still women. We might be a bit lopsided, bald or whatever, but we are still girlies, we still like make-up, eat chocolate, like smellies etc. and why shouldn’t we. Don’t let this take away your femininity, you are a strong beautiful women and will remain so. If you don’t want to be seen without make-up/boob/hair, then that’s your choice, it doesn’t mean you’re vain (my sister won’t even put the bins out without mascara on lol), you were probably like that before BC - I know I was, and still am. Hold your head high girl, you’ve come a long way, been through some awful times and come out the other side. Be proud of what you’ve achieved (I bet your family are) and I’ve no doubt that your OH loves you for what you are, not what you look like. Like I said, it’s my birthday today and I can remember this time last year and thinking ‘I wonder if this is my last birthday (drama queen lol)’, but I’m still here, with my newly highlighted hair and dinted boob. Love us or hate us, we are women, not always perfect, but ALWAYS strong.
Am I on the naughty step again, or have I redeemed myself this time lol.
Love & (birthday) hugs
Julie xxx
I think the Psychological scars are harder to heal. I have thought about conselling myself, but then you have a good few weeks before another depressed feeling hits you. I feel angry alot too.
I would like to hear from anyone who has completely got over a DX of BC, surgery and treatments and bounced back as good as before.
Hey Lilacblushes get your belly button piercing re done you funky chick you !!!
Happy birthday Julie, hope you remember adding your post last night ( ha ha ).
Lots of love to all and special big hugs to Scarlett.
Andrea xx
Hi all
Thanks so much for your replies. Lilac, you are very nice and your words helped me through last night. I have considered counselling but like Andrea said, when the feelings pass…and to be honest they’re less frequent these days…it just makes you want to get on with a ‘normal’ life. When I feel good, I feel confident and able to lead my life without my boob and I don’t spend time thinking about what happened, so I don’t think about making an appointment for counselling. When I am low I do seem to sink quickly…but thankfully recover quickly too. I feel so much better today. Julie, you made me smile so much and I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said about being selfish. Why do I/we find it hard to be selfish? I am a mum and wife so I suppose that plays a part…but I really think that when I feel low, that I confuse selfish with greed, I somehow want it all. Does that make sense? When I have been selfish I have felt guilty, so I maybe need to be selfish more often so that I can get use to it!!
Any way, thanks again you three lovely ladies - I don’t need counselling when I can get advise and encouragement from people like you. Thanks again.
Hugs all round and lots of love
Scarlet.
Happy Birthday Julie, my daughter is 20 tomorrow!!!
Scarlet.xx
Glad to read that you are feeling a bit better, and glad to hear that I helped a bit. I’ve foudn this site a great source of support and I like it when I have been able to give something back and help someone.
Happy (belated) birthday Julie.
Hi Scarlet.
No of course you’re not vain, you’re human like the rest of us! I get really p off when I go shopping and can’t find anything I can wear without The Dent showing! When will clothes manufacturers get it into their heads that not every womans wants to/can wear plunging necklines. Mention summer, and its all strappy and low.
I’m 3 years down the line after mastectomy for DCIS, no further treatment, but I still have days when I fell despondent. That’s the beauty of this site, we can all come on and have a moan when we need to!
Cyberhugs, on with the greasepaint,
love Silversue.