I finished treatment in August last year, so now am almost one year on. Lately I have been feeling very tired, physically and emotionally and get frustrated because I feel that people around me think the treatment is all over and now I should be back to normal levels of energy.My story is that I came to live in the USA three years ago for my hubby`s job. My BC was discovered and treated, very well, by the American system, so I was lucky.
Sometimes I feel as if I am surrounded by bright, shiny, positive, happy people and I am totally out of step with all of them, and end up thinking “What is wrong with me?”.
I have just got to the point of being able to have my hair highlighted to look more like I did before treatment, but when I look at photos of myself I look older and bloated, even though I was lucky enough to lose a stone during chemo.
I suppose I need to regain some self esteem.I feel as if I could do with a “kindly voice” to tell me that I am not doing so badly, rather than the usual one that tells me I am just a big let down to everybody,
Mimsy
Hi Mimsy,
Gosh it must be one of those nights! tonight l posted about coping with panic! and there you are having an Anti climax!
Firstly well done for getting through all your treatment. Even though as you say you are nearly one year on, you have had one hell of a battering in that one year, so it is no wonder you are feeling ‘tired’ it is a wonder you have not collapsed under the pressure!
I am only 6 months down the line, and only just started chemo, and l feel totally exhausted, both mentally and physically. Unless you have been through breast cancer you cannot possibly understand the feelings and emotions we are going through. A friend of mine went through bc 10 years and l was with her every step of the way, but looking back now l had no idea what she really went through, although at the time l thought l understood.
A little pampering is what you now need, pleased you managed to get your hair highlighted, are you sure you look bloated? you say you lost weight! You probably will look older, that year must have taken its toll, give yourself time, you will get the old you back. Just a little more pampering is required. Treat yourself to what makes you feel good.
You say you need to regain some self esteem, what would do this for you? only you know what would help there, What about a course, is there a hobby you have always wanted to do? A keep fit class? A beauty course! Try and think of something just for You! whether it is with a friend or to make new friends.
Well l really hope there is no one out there saying you are a let down to everybody? There is certainly nothing wrong with you.
What you are feeling is completely understandable to anyone who has gone through, or is going through breast cancer.
Give yourself a big pat on the back for doing so very well, you have come out the other side, but there is still a long way to go, what you have been through will not just disappear, you need time to be kind to yourself, and hopefully your friends and family will understand this.
Take care and be kind to yourself
Sandra xxx
hi mimsy and sandra
i think that not everybody is a shiny happy cancer survivor… which seems to be all the rage in the states… recently did a cull of them all on my FB page.
we all take different times to heal from the physical and emotional effects that we have been through during diagnosis, treatment and recovery.
we dont just wake up one day and we are all OK again.
you life never kinda returns back to the pre cancer days of blissfull ignorance but it can get easier to deal with in time… but 1 year on its still all terribly new and you will always be coming across and anniversary of something.
dont beat yourself up because you havent bounced back as quick as you expected… but be kind to yourself, maybe with some pampering or going to the gym… and maybe that kindly voice your looking for is your own… speak to yourself and remind yourself what a great job your doing getting through this.
also dont be afraid to seek help… if you feel eerything is getting to you go and see your GP or contact your BCN and see if she can offer any support… some will do and of active treatment sessions or maybe have a contact with a counsellor or psychologist you can chat to… and if you have a Maggies centre or other cancer centre where you can go and chat to people or who have classes like stress management or aromatherapy for people like you who have been affected by cancer.
best wishes lulu
Hi all of you,
Lulu - I love that phrase ‘shiny happy cancer survivor’! It exactly describes what I think is the expectation of the outside world. I think, even for people who look shiny and happy, they are putting on an act. Its what I’ve learned to do most of the time. If they could bottle it into a face cream, we’d all be OK.
This experience is going to take a very long time to lose significance. I say that rather than ‘get over it’ because I don’t think you can completely get over it. It marks you forever.
Mimsy, don’t worry. You are not alone. Do some simple things that make you feel better and don’t bow to any pressure to move faster than you can. Be kind to yourself and have a rant on here whenever you need to. There is always someone listening and lots of ladies on here post to say that it does get easier with time.
E xx
Thank you,Sandra4, Elsk and Lulu for being “kind voices”.I got depressed looking at photos of a party I`d been to where everyone seemed to be absolutely “on top of their game”, bright shiny world travellers with such positive outlooks,and interesting professional lives, and I just looked like granny in the middle of them, fat and unnattractive. I sometimes find that I am at a social gathering and my brain just isnt working as well as it did, I kind of draw a blank and feel useless.
What I do realise is that I have been through a lot of changes in the past three years. I gave up a job I loved,family, and friends I had taken a lifetime to make, moved to a different country, went through all that treatment, and on top of that my son had a breakdown and has come to live with us and rebuild his life again, needing a lot of support.And,at fifty-five, I am three years older!I think about that social pressure to be eternally youthful, attractive, vibrant and interesting and want to scream!
You are probably right that I need to mix with people who have been through the same as me.Anyway, thank you for your support!
Mimsy
Hello Mimsy…Im going to make this short as Im going for my mammogram in a few minutes. Im a year down the line from chemo and rads, I also feel tired and old, but I look back at what I could in my days when I was poorly, and look what I can do now, it may not be much more, but Im getting there it’s taking longer than I thought, I also think you need a good pampering, if you give yourself a treat…new dress, hairdo, manicure…makes you feel feminine again. It’s small steps honey…xxx
Mimsy I so sympathise, illness (any, not just BC) is very isolating. I have had a couple stints living in the States (CT and CA) and my kids were born there. As most of my family live there I visit a lot too - or did before BC, I haven’t found out yet whether I can get insurance to go any more. It’s a wonderful, beautiful country but the relentless optimism can get a bit much for us naturally cynical Brits. I cherished my expat friends because we got each other - even down to our shared self-deprecating sense of humour. I often felt I had to give myself a pep talk before meeting American friends, particularly on mass, and that was when I was younger, slimmer and healthy. I’m not sure how I would have coped with illness - particularly so far away from a natural support group. You’ve been through a hell of a lot, and still are with your son - it is totally understandable that you feel down.
I wish there was a way of responding when casual acquaintances ask how you are, to let them know that actually you’re not so great, but let’s not talk about it. I find myself saying “fine thanks” when actually I feel crap - and I suppose the small child inside of me wants a little sympathy.
I’m sure there must be a local support group - maybe that would help? Posting here is a good start. I hope things improve for you.
Hi Mimsy
Well done for getting through all your treatment!
Please do not be so hard on yourself…you body has been through hell and your emotions have been all over the place!
There is NOTHING wrong with you at all…you have not let anybody down at all…
I think with something like bc, it does knock your self esteem. I am 39 and my confidence has taken one hell of a blow…losing my hair did that straight away for me! But i am trying hard to regain confidence in myself, and even if i am feeling wobbly inside sometimes, i try to give the impression that i am doing okay to people that i don’t know that well.
Your confidence will return…i bet your hair looks good? (Can’t wait to be able to something with mine…!)
You take care…
Naz xx
Mimsy while I don’t have BC (my mum has) I do have a chronic health condition and I believe that going through such a major life event can change our entire outlook and make it perhaps harder to socialise in the same way as we once did. Obviously lack of confidence can play a part…a few years of ill health sent mine tumbling downhill fast…but also, I think it can make us more aware of what is important and necessary whereas those who haven’t been through a health crisis will not have that same understanding. We’re not always the same people we were before becoming so ill…experiences can change us, but rather than that being a bad thing it can be very positive. I hope you can find others who have been through the same experience as it can be a real bonding thing. I have met wonderful friends through my health problems and my friendships have a greater depth than those I had before. Best of luck to you x
Thank you all for your supportive comments, they mean a lot. Although in the US the treatment is broadly similar to what I would have recieved in the UK, it is nowhere near as “joined up”,ie, you have to work harder to make sure that all your health care professionals have all your results etc, theres no central database.Also you dont get a BCN, just someone from your insurance company who obviously has a vested interest, but is not impartial.That said, I do believe I am recieving excellent treatment. There is a support group at our local hospital I can join.
I guess it sometimes takes my breath away when I read all the fuss about a new person in the public eye with breast cancer and they make it all seem so dramatic and I suddenly think “Hold on, I was going through that a year ago” and its as if my family has forgotten and seem to want me to have the boundless energy and resources of someone much younger who hasnt been ill. Another strain is that although we moved here on a short term contract, my husband now thinks he wants to stay here,although he hasnt totally decided. I feel in limbo. I have quite a few friends and do interesting stuff but its not “home”, and I have no roots here.Maybe, coming out the other side of this I am beginning to realise that “new experiences” are actually fairly tiring!Sometimes I can be in a restaurant or coffee bar and realise I am the oldest person there by a long chalk and think “What the hell are we doing?”
Sorry to pour my heart out, and I realise some people would cut an arm off to have my problems, but it does me a lot of good writing them down,
Love,
Mimsy
Hi Mimi - You’ve just received so much good advice and support from this site that ,I can only concur with all thats been said, but there is one thing - can you put your very special insight and experience into supporting other expats out there who find themselves in the same situation you were in a year ago… especially as there doesn’t seem to be the support network e.g BC nurses in place or not as we know it. We Brits do think and communicate differently to the Americans ( no dig intended - but it’s just a cultural thing). It sounds as though your very intuitive and a good communicator regardless of how you think you act at social gatherings.You don’t have to limit yourself to a local thing … thank God for the internet. Good luck my pet hope you go from strength to strength and if your hubby does decide he wants to stay you can dip into us anytime you feel like a chat - know it’s not the same as M.S shopping or John Lewis elevenses but it’s a great fall back.
Hi Mimsy,
I know how you feel. I am sick of being told that I am well now that I have only one more Herceptin treatment to go. I have just had scans which were clear, but, when I questioned this my Onc was honest enough to say “what we can see is clear but…” I can imagine that you don’t feel like you anymore. I look at myself and I don’t see the me that was. I now have little patience with silly people and feel like telling them to get a life. The times I have to bite my tongue it’s a wonder it is still in one piece.
Now we are different and look at life in a different way. Perhaps it would help if we told people exactly how we feel instead of trying to spare them, because that’s what we do.
In time we may feel different again. In the meantime we have been to hell and back and deserve some pampering. How about treating yourself to a facial once a month. Always having something to look forward to has helped me a lot.
E
So sorry Mimsi I’m so rubbish at the finer details typed your name wrong but the sentiments are the same.
Mimsy I ahve nothing different from what all the other ladies have said be kind to yourself this has been one heck of a tough time. I have just looked back at my saved dioscussions because I saved a thread ( sorry can’t do links) but it is entitled ‘Brilliant article explaining how we feel after treatment’ It in turn has a link to a paper written by a psychologist called I think Peter Harvey. The thread was started by Ann on 16/6. I am only part way through treatment but saved it as I thought I moght want to go back to it. You are right we do have a good service here ( despite all the gripes about the NHS) I don’t know where I would be without my BCN. Hope your support group is helpful. Hugs Jackie xx
For heavens sake Mimsy - obviously you must pay no attention to anything I write as I still didn’t spell your name right !!! Never used to be like this … but my husband would argue differently!! Hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is to look forward to.
Lazydaisy1, I have found a “Not living in the UK” thread on the “In your area” forum. It will probably be useful to me, and I ,in turn can help any expats (God, never thought Id be one of those!) in the USA. Thanks for all your replies. A combination of tiredness and depression drove me to it.Good to hear I am not alone. Libby 2010, yes, Id read that article.Its good, and I am surprised there isnt more research out there on the after effects of chemo.I feel as if its “on your way then, all over now”.A bit like childbirth, a conspiracy of silence!
Mimsy
Hi Mimsy yes I found that site too today - so hope it is helpful to you - they sound a great bunch and one very funny husband’s contribution… just off to make some Chelsea Buns b…ger the weight it’s the weekend!! and to slap on that ‘everythings fine demented smile’ hope you have a good weekend XX Steph