Hello! I’m 32 years old, Mum to two little girls who are 9 months and 2 and a half years. I was diagnosed with primary breast cancer while I was pregnant with the youngest and then once I’d given birth they did a bone cancer and told me it had spread there. Chemotherapy was interrupted (I just did one cycle) and I was put on hormone therapy. I then did a course of radiotherapy for the bone pain in my pelvis, which has worked and I’m now trying to come off Oxycontin which is proving difficult. I started chemotherapy on Friday as my tumour markers kept creeping up and I’m finding it pretty hard getting through this time. Does anyone else have young kids and is going through the same thing or has done it? I do have help at home, but my 2 year old only wants me, but at the same time is angry with me because I’m not as interactive as usual. Will there be long term effect on my little ones to my “absence”? Has anyone any advice? Sometimes I just feel it’s impossible to get through with the little ones as well.
Joanna
Hi Joanna
isn’t it awful - im not so young as you - 43 now - but a ‘young’ mum in that my little girl is just over two. I was 37 when primary dx and secondary bone mets diagnosed (hip/pelvis, back and shoulder) in June last year. I was in considerable pain at the time and with severely limited mobillity but after a course of radio and then chemotherapy, herceptin and bisphosphonates I’ve improved massively. still too scared to run, jump and dance though. for a long time i felt sooo miserable (leaving aside the longer term awfulness of dying while my little one is still relatively little) at not being able to join in things that she and my husband were doing. i felt like i’d already half died.
our little one goes to nursery (I’d been working full time as well as my husband before the diagnosis) and we’ve kept her in for the continuity, as she really thrives on it. and i don’t think i would have been able to cope with looking after her until relatively recently.
i can’t offer any advice but i know a lot of what you’re going through and it’s the pits isn’t it. perhaps we can support each other.
i’m seeing a marie curie counsellor tomorrow (as long as i’m reasonably over a cold i’ve got as i don’t want to take it into the hospice) to talk about starting a memory box/mummy’s diary, which i know is going to be really difficult but i’m determined to start it sooner rather than later and put as much stuff into it as i can so my daughter has something to remember me by and will know that i love her and won’t have left her by choice.
i know what you mean about it being ‘impossible to get through with the little ones’ but at the same time my daughter is the biggest reason i’ve got to fight this b*gger and i’m determined to be there for her as long as i can. i can’t imagine what would have motivated me so much if she wasn’t there. and thankfully at the moment it’s just in my bones.
all the best,
alison
Hi Joanna and Alison,
I am 43 also, with a 5yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son. I have secondaries in liver lungs and bones. I have done most of the memory boxes and adding to the diary most days. Both of my kids go to nursery which helps a lot. I tend to rest while they are in school and when they come back we have some “quality time”. Although they are still small, both understand Mummy is not well and needs to rest a lot. I have had 4 different chemos up til now, was dx in 2007. Right now I’m on hormone treatment and taking Femara. But the tiredness doesn’t go away. Like you Joanna, the kids are the main reason to keep going through this and to try and be here for as long as possible. But I know how hard some days are, especially as I am a single mum and can’t ask a partner to help out sometimes. Joanna, try and explain to your 2 yr old that she can help you to not be so tired by doing little things for you. Or by going to play with somebody else or let somebody else do things for her. It worked with my youngest who has always been very clingy. He is now so proud that he is my little helper.
best wishes,
Peggy
Hi Joanna
I too am not as young as you. I was diagnosed at the age of 39 with bc and secondary liver mets, a double whammy for me. My children have just turned 5 and 2, so in a similar situation.
I found it tough during chemo to be honest, and would advise you to accept any help you can. My daughter was just over 4 when i was first diagnosed, and so only in nursery mornings. My friends helped heaps, by taking her out for me and my little boy was only 8 months when this all happened. I am now on herceptin only at the moment, as finished chemo in november 07, so dont suffer too much really, although am permanently tired, and dont have the energy (or patience) to cope some days, but I do cope. I have too. I have no family close by.
But as Alison says, my babies are the reason I am fighting and intending to stay here as long as possible. They make me smile and laugh even when I am low, and give me the will to fight. They also keep me so busy that I never have time to sit and dwell really and have to carry on wiv “routine” and their day to day needs.
I have also started memory boxes for them, but find it hard, and to be honest, not touched them for ages, but will do more wiv them when I can - not a nice thing to do though really. I normally end up sobbing my heart out!
Hope your chemo goes ok on Friday, which one are you on. I had 3 x FEC and 3 x Taxotere. Let us know how u are doing.
Take care
Love
Dawn
xxxx
I
Hi Joanna,
I am in a very similar situation to you. I was diagnosed in Dec 07 aged 32 and 7 months pregnant. Once my son was born I found out I had secondaries in the liver and bones. I also had a 20 month old and a 10 year old at home full time as he has behavioural problems. It was very hard but they were the reason I got through it. I am Herceptin positive but a recent CT showed that I still have progression so starting chemo again on Friday.My daughter is now 2 and a half so goes to nursery 3 mornings a week but i’m still not looking forward to it.
I think I will have to start memory boxes soon (keep putting it off as I think i’m invicible).
Take care
Liz xx
Thanks so much for all your messages, out here in Italy there is so little support and everyone I see at the hospital is so much older than me I sometimes feel I’m the only one this has happened to so young.
I’ll definately try explaining to my eldest about helping me by letting others help her, she’s always keen on helping which is great. We are lucky that on the whole they are great girls.
I think I’m still in denial slightly that this rotten thing could get me soon, so I haven’t even thought of memory boxes or leaving my girls too soon. I think I think I’m invincible too or that I just have loads of time and when i go they’ll be old enough to understand.
The side effects of the chemo are much better today, which makes me feel better and my sisters are coming to visit soon. Hooray!
Thanks again for your support.
Joanna xox
Hi Joanna,
I don’t have secondaries, but I’ve recently finished treatment for primary bc in Italy, and my daughters were 3 and 6 when I was diagnosed, not as young as yours but not far off.
I know exactly what you mean about the lack of support in Italy, no breast cancer nurse, no counselling was ever offered to me, I found it extremely difficult, even though I think the medical care was excellent. I was lucky to have some wonderful friends who basically acted as my breast cancer nurses, as well as drivers, babysitters, and counsellors! I couldn’t have got through without them. Trying to keep a normal life for the girls was very difficult, but it was what kept me going. The eldest was very good and helpful on my yacky days, but the little one is a mummy’s girl and it has been very difficult at times, when I just did not have the energy to get out of bed, but she’d refuse to be dressed by her daddy. Somehow we got through, and even though I am still her “favourite” she’s better at doing things with her dad now. I do not think there have been any long term side effects, but then it is not easy to tell I guess, but the teachers at their school and all my friends who know my girls well reassure me that they think they coped very well with the whole thing, they certainly never mention it now that they see me “back to normal”, and I have feeling that the youngest doesn’t really remember much. I guess it is not much different from mums who are out all day at work, children are very resilient and eventually adjust to everything that’s thrown at them. I don’t think you should worry too much about that (I know easy to say from where I’m sitting now, and I worried too when on treatment).
Whereabouts in Italy are you? Are there any volounteer groups at your hospital? I know there was one at mine, but again it seemed that everyone was so much older than me, it made me feel quite isolated (I was 36 at dx)
sorry for the long post, I wish I could say something more useful, but I’m not very good at words, but I feel for you, and hope your chemo works.
Best of luck
chiara
I am now 39 but was dx at 36 with secondaries in my liver and lungs at 37 going on 38. I have 2 kids that are now 9 and 6 but were only 6 and 3 when I was first diagnosed.
Just never give up hope, there are so many trials at the moment the one I am most interested in is happening in Germany, it involves taking your immune system and cloning it then reinjecting billions more of your immune cells that you would ever normally have and in some cancers it has completely put people into remmission other cancers have not been so successful but the trials in Germany at the moment are for breast cancer so I live in hope that the results are promising
Love
Diane
xx