I was diagnosed in nov 2006, been through the ringer a little as we all have.
I have my hair back, but not my strength, and don’t feel anything like I thought I would.
I know its very easy for people to say “move on now” and “everything is behind you and get your life back to normal” but I simply can’t “move on”.
I feel so stuck in a rut, I decided to pack work in and I thought that would make me feel better but it hasn’t, but I don’t have the energy to work anyway.
I have pain all the time, here, there and everywhere!!!
I have stopped telling my OH as he thinks I am just making everything up.
I have been getting an awful lot of headaches so have convinced myself I have brain mets!!!
I have pain across my lungs (I had clots during chemo)so have convinced myself that I have lung mets!!
I get really heavy legs with pains down them so I have convinced myself that I have a DVT!!!
Can you see a trend??
I just wish I could block the last 16 months out of my life and move forward but I don’t know how?
I don’t wont to live the rest of my life like I am now.
I am sorry you are feeling this way and wondered if you have heard about Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service? The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding. For more information about this and other support available to you telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000or email: <script type=“text/javascript”>eval(unescape(‘%64%6f%63%75%6d%65%6e%74%2e%77%72%69%74%65%28%27%3c%61%20%68%72%65%66%3d%22%6d%61%69%6c%74%6f%3a%69%6e%66%6f%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%22%3e%69%6e%66%6f%40%62%72%65%61%73%74%63%61%6e%63%65%72%63%61%72%65%2e%6f%72%67%2e%75%6b%3c%2f%61%3e%27%29%3b’))</script>.
Hi Angie,
Yes, I do know what you mean. Just when we should be feeling better about everything (no more chemo, etc) we find that we can’t get on with our lives after all. I don’t think enough is understood of the impact of the disease and the treatments on us in the long term. When i found my lump I felt perfectly well, but then the treatments made me feel ill all the time. Now that the lump (and the rest of my breast) has gone and my hair is back, shouldn’t I feel full of energy and health? I do feel a lot better than I did and I feel that generally I’m still getting better. But that doesn’t make everything suddenly OK though.
It sounds to me like you still have a lot of healing to do physically and emotionally. I also think you shouldn’t discount all those health worries, but instead you need to find the energy somehow to go and get them seen to. After all, don’t they tell us not to ignore tiny breast lumps? So don’t ignore the headaches, etc - you know they’re likely to be nothing, but there’s no substitute for getting it all checked out. The perhaps you’ll feel more like moving on? Also don’t discount the possibility of getting some emotional support. I’ve had counselling and it has helped a lot. Your GP should be able to help - and if not, try another one!
I hope you feel better just for letting off a bit of steam here. Thinking of you and sending cyber hugs!
Sarah
Hi Angie
What rarey says above is so true about seeking help.
I dont think we are ever the same again after a cancer DX.
My friend made me laugh the other day she said ’ i should glow’ with all the scans i have had.
Are you on any medication ie tamoxifen?
I am finding the side affects awful from it.
Headaches should not be ignored but i have headaches off and on, had a brain scan during chemo and it was fine. (and they found a brain too)
What i do now is if the pain hasn’t gone away in two weeks i go and have it seen too. My GP isnt wonderful and i intend to have a chat to the one i normally see when i next go.
Somehow i dont think unfortunately when we have had cancer we ever think like we did before about pain. We immediately think ‘is it cancer related’ Up to now none of mine have been.
Posting here is so good and everyone is so helpful and ofcourse the reason why is ‘we know exactely what its like’
As Rarey says though we do NOT get enough support after treatment.
Hi Angie, its the same for those of us who didn’t have chemo as well, every little ache and pain is the dreaded C back! and hormone treatment is so harsh, i try to explain to people that i probabley would be fine physically if i wasn’t on arimidex, which i have to say i am finding a bit easier to cope with than tamoxifen or zoladex, but until they can find a little pill that makes us forget that we ever had cancer, well, i don’t think its ever far from our minds, we just need to try not to let it take over, so if someone knows how to do that well, i want to know!!!
lots of love
Alisonxxxx
Can only offer you two suggestions; one is after I finished my initial treatment back in 1995 of surgery, chemo and radiotherapy I bumped into a lady who was selling the pink ribbons and I asked her how she went forward with her life (she was a lot older than me, I was just 40 at the time) and she said ‘none of us know what the future holds and wouldn’t it be a waste worrying all that time about something that might not happen’.
I’ve lived by that saying but that’s not to say that I wasn’t aware of every ache and pain because I think we become very tuned into our bodies and what’s going on after a diagnosis like ours but the majority of people learn, in time, to adjust but it’s not a quick fix solution and takes a while. Having little goals to aim for can also help, even something quite small but the very fact of looking forward to it can give you a lift.
I never wanted to give up work when I was first diagnosed as I felt that it helped me but we’re all different and for some it’s the right decision. It’s not always easy knowing whether you have made the right decision regardless of whether it’s remaining at work or giving it up.
The other thing that might help is are you aware of Dr Peter Harvey’s article - When Treatment Finishes, What Happens Next’? There have been posts on here about it or you can google it and that gives a very articulate account of what happens to us and how we go forward.
Good luck - don’t be too hard on yourself as it takes a while to readjust to your ‘new life’ of living comfortably with breast cancer.
Hi Angie,
I can really identify with all that you are saying. One thought though, I think one of the side effects of tamoxifen can be depression, and i was just wondered if you might be a bit depressed? I know just having a diagnosis of BC can make you tired, fed up, lacking in ‘get up and go’ and lacking the oomph to try anything new, with varied aches and pains, but they can all be symptoms of depression too. Just might be worth talking to your GP about.
Also, someone mentioned counselling, and there are some excellent services about for those who’ve had cancer, to help you come to terms with all it has meant for you.
I really hope you find something to help you move along a bit from this ‘stuck’ place. Pinkdove’s comment about having small goals spoke to me.
With love and hugs
Jacquie x
I am not on tamoxifen as I wasn’t able to as I had blood clots on my lungs, so the onc wanted to stay clear of it.
I am currently on monthly zoladex injections which aren’t a problem.
I started counselling, had one session(cried all the way through it), then was admitted with the clots to hospital, couldn’t make the second session, then felt better, so didn’t feel the need to go.
Plus I thought I could deal with it, but obviously I can’t.
I had my OH say to me today, how life should be getting back to normal now, and what was I going to do for work, and he hoped I wasn’t going to watch daytime TV all day!!! (I am not THAT depressed!!)
I know deep down I need the counselling again, and have just been booked in for respiritory physio to help with my breathing, as I keep getting short of breath.
I just feel as if everyone is expecting me to get back to normal, just like I am, and don’t know if I am expecting TOO much TOO soon.
I feel iller now than when I was diagnosed, which doesn’t seem right.
Hi Angie, you should not be feeling under pressure from anyone, let others have their own expectations, only you know how your going to get back to feeling like you can do more and cope better, i am not going to let anyone rush me, and if you feel that counselling has helped its worth going again.
lots of love
Alisonxxx