Hi all
Any other single women undergoing chemo out there?
All the leaflets I get have photos of families being supportive, and most forums and blogs talk about how wonderful the spouse/parents/children are being. I’m sure I can’t be the only one doing this alone?
Of course I have friends who are ‘there’ for me (and a few who sadly aren’t) - but when I’m feeling ill and when my immunity is at it’s lowest ebb I am stuck home alone. Nights are always solitary - and the nights is when my brain is most full of negative thoughts!
I have always been a ‘coper’ - but sometimes I don’t want to cope alone and I have no alternative but to do so.
Does anyone have any tips for managing alone?
Hi Pegglass,
You are not alone, thought I was the only one too I’m single and live alone whilst going through this too. I had a mastectomy in August with Sentinel Node Clearance and have recently been back to have Axillary Node Clearance as they originally found 2/11 nodes with cancer. I get the results of the 2nd clearance tomorrow. I’m currently having problems with wound healing [oozing of fluid and some infection]. The next step is chemotherapy and I’m expecting that to start later this month, though I haven’t had a date yet.
As you say some friends have been better than others but I dont feel that I have anyone I canshare my deepest fears/worries with. I dont have a spouse/partner and never had children. Although I’m still lucky enough to have my parents they are both in their 70’s and my mam is the carer for my dad who is ill himself.
Although I haven’t yet gone through the chemo and low immunity issues I already have Crohns Disease, which requires treatment to reduce my immune system to prevent further Crohns attacks so am aware of the need to avoid infection as best I can anyway. Really looking forward to the side effects of chemo - Not! Its just going to get worse.
I’m not yet driving after my 2nd op and find I am spending an awful lot of time alone with my thoughts. Last week, when wound problems started I spent the best part of two days in tears. Its not always easy being alone but I prefer to be in my own home, doing my own thing, in my own time. Having worked full time for the last 30 years its amazing to me how time flies when you are doing nothing much.
I have lots of little hobbies I could be doing to keep me occupied but find I’m lacking motivation and sometimes the strength or inclination to do anything. I decided after diagnosis that I need to do things my way so if I want to cry I do, and if I want to stamp my feet I do. Equally, if I feel the need to sleep or sprawl on the settee watching daytime tv, I do.
Some friends have been over to take me out for a coffee or a short walk and that is good for distraction. I find its easier to talk to some of them than others. The hard part is when you want/need to talk about something and don’t feel you can as the person you are trying to talk to changes the subject almost immediately, without even commenting on what you have just said!
I’m used to my independence and find it difficult relying on other people. The only thing I can do is take one day at a time and just try to get through it. I know I’m not at the same stage as you yet but hope my little rant [sorry] has helped in some way. I’ve know idea how I will be when the chemo starts but suspect I will be worse in some ways and can sympathise in many ways with how you must be feeling
Keep strong!
Shazza
Just about to reply to your post to say that although I have no experience of the Chemo I am sure there will be someone along shortly with some good advice!
Hi Shazza!
I too have an oozing wound - chemo slows down healing and I am trying to believe all the medics who are saying it’s not a big problem. Previously I was told by 3 nurses some pain I had was not a problem and that turned out to be a life threatening clot, so I am sceptical of anything I am told and tend to worry at the slightest symptom! The only times I have cried is when I’ve had unexpected symptoms that I just wanted someone else to take control of - but of course I’ve had to cope alone, and know that I have to trust my own instincts and manage things myself.
I am sort of enjoying the break after 30 years of office work - though I am starting to get bored after 6 weeks of knitting. I’ve never been one to watch TV (I don’t have one) and I find I can only watch a DVD if I have something else to go at the same time. I have to be making something to feel ‘interested’ - but sadly my main hobby of glasswork is banned for the duration due to the risk of cuts and infection. I think my next project will be to make Christmas cards!
My family is not close (geographically nor otherwise) - my dad is alive, but he is unwell himself - he is slowly starting to ask questions when I phone him weekly but I know I can’t bombard him with details as he would find it very hard to deal with. My brother has crohns and is well versed in medical processes, so I can be open with him but he is of no practical help due to his location.
Being independant (to a fault perhaps) means the first thing I did after the diagnosis was to work on strengthening my support network. There are times when I need someone to take me to an appointment (I don’t have a car) or do some shopping for me, and asking for help does not come naturally to me. I still make sure I have cash on hand for a taxi, and a stockpile of food so that I don’t have to reply on people - but I recognise that I cannot spend the next few months as an incressingly unwell hermit, shut away from everyone. If I did that then going back to the ‘real world’ after it’s all done would be incredibly difficult.
That’s enough of a ramble - I must get on with my knitting!
Dear Peg and Shazza
I went through it alone. I understand the need for your own home comforts. My family wanted me to go and stay with them but it wasn’t practical in terms of where I was being treated and where they live and I also didn’t want them to know too much - they stress a lot.
I have a great network of friends/colleagues who have been tremendous - I really don’t know how I would have coped without them.
What areas do live in?
If you want to PM me (I struggle with all the abbreviations) then please do (though I’m not even sure how). I’ve been through 2 ops, chemo and rads and am triple negative so I have quite a good understanding. I also didn’t have a TV until my diagnosis a year ago. My parents bought me one and I’m partly ashamed to admit I really enjoyed some total trivia and what I would normally consider utterly mindless TV but it was all I was capable of, other than some gardening occasionally.
In terms of advice, I’ve been thinking of contacting the helpline about putting together a booklet based on all the really practical tips that have been offered on this site regarding the various treatments. Anyway, here’s a few:
try to get out for at least one walk each day, it really helps with the fatigue - I tried 3 x 10 minutes, or on really good days a 2 1/2 mile walk
but, if you’re having a lot of joint pain from Tax and blood cell boosting jabs then I wouldn’t force yourself - I tried once and it made things worse and took me about 3 extra days to get over it
ensure you do your arm exercises religiously, it really helps reduce pain and increase movement but take advice on the DVD or leaflet and don’t do if you’re not feeling well or been vomiting from chemo
if you have trouble with nausea and vomiting the drug that helped me was Cyclizine - the first two chemos I had to have it by injection but for the 3rd they gave me tablets (as even Aprepitant didn’t help)
if you have a sore mouth I found Difflam oral rinse helped, but I also got some Iglu ulcer treatment which puts a coating over the ulcer
use a baby’s toothbrush which is soft, and brush your teeth after each meal
no taste - the foods that I could enjoy were: chips and gravy, jelly, strawberry milkshake, melon, Uncle Ben’s rice (and only takes 2 minutes in the microwave, which helps when you’re struggling to stand)
I hope some of this helps. I understand all about the sleeplessness. I was lucky if I got 2 hours sleep a day. Even when fatigued I couldn’t sleep.
As I say, if you want someone to talk to I’m here and will understand - if you want to have a good winge and no-one else understands.
X
Sorry to hear you have to join this club. There are quite a lot of single women on this site, including several like myself who are now a couple of years post diagnosis and who come here mainly to keep in contact with friends. I live in central Scotland and all my family are in the middle of England. At the time of diagnosis I had been in Scotland less than a year.
I was lucky enough to be able to work all through my chemo, but it did require me to be a bit organised! Batch cooking and freezing and/or ready meals are, in my view, the way to go, so that you can quickly reheat something on days when you feel ‘floopy’ or ‘bleugh’. My chemo BCN said ‘homemade soups and smoothies’ which I rapdily tired of, but pasta and tomato sauce became something of a staple! I live only 10 mins form the cancer hopsital, so was able to walk to/from all my appintments but always had someone on standby to pick me up if I felt yuk or it was pouring with rain; to be honest uless you are very unlucky chemo side effects don’t kick in for quite a few hours, and the anti-sickness meds work brilliantly for most people. Listen to your body and rest when you need to - I found I had a few ‘floppy’ days each cycle and then was fine.
Now is not the time to be independent, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but actually allows friends to feel useful. So, hoovering, gardening, shopping or transport if you are Ok with that are all possiblilties to ‘outsource’. I bought all my groceries online which saved energy for nicer things. After my surgery (which was after chemo, and was mastectomy and reconstruction) I was very glad of someone who hoovered fortnightly and someone else who changed my sheets for me, as well as people to pick up shopping; at the same time no one was allowed near my personal washing! Yo have to decide what is right for you - we are all different.
Keeping active is important, so a little walk everyday - even if just round your garden or to the end of the street and back - is good. Meeting friends for a coffee or a meal (let them spoil you!) is good too.
So, to encourage you - it can be done alone, in wiinter, far from relatives and whislt still making new friends. Two years down the line I am well and happy and active. Hopefully you will be too.
Edit - some excellent advice from Flori whose post landed at the same time as mine!
I’ve just looked at RevCat’s and thought…“Why didn’t I think to say some of those things?” So it’s clearly good to get comments from a number of people.
Another benefit of online shopping is that you avoid the risk of catching a bug from being in an enclosed space with lots of people. And make the most of steroid days - I was like the Duracel Bunny and did lots of cooking, cleaning and so on, which was good because some days after that were like trying to move in a vat of treacle.
With FEC the nausea and sickness kicked in within two or three hours for me but with Tax it took a couple of days and the blood cell boosting injections.
RevCat - I have to tell you that when I was preparing myself for all this I did loads of internet searching, and the PDF you published on your experiences with FEC was the single most useful thing I came across. Thanks!
I have tried on-line grocery shopping, but I actually prefer to get a friend to take me shopping (I have no car). I stock-pile for the time I know I won’t feel like going out and when my immune system is at it’s lowest ebb. Mentally I find that internet shopping just re-enforces the ‘living like a hermit’ feeling. My oncologist’s office is very near a Waitrose - so I use appointments with him as an excuse to buy a few treats!
My chemo is being given at home, which is fantastic - I know that service is not available everywhere and I am so lucky to be living where I do (Bristol).
I am rather half-heartedly logging onto my work computer most days, but mainly for chatting with collegues and not actually making much in the way of a contribution workwise.
On a happy note - today my wound seems to have stopped oozing - so the doctors were right. One less thing to worry about! I had taken to changing the dressing in the morning instead of at night, as it was freaking me out and stopping me sleeping. One more little coping mechanism!
I did it alone (mx, FEC-T and rads) and didn’t find it too bad. My nearest relative lives 200 miles away and my friends all have busy lives of their own, so once I was recovered from my op (mx and immediate LD flap recon) I didn’t ask for much help from anyone!
Like Revcat, I’m one of the ones that you don’t hear too much about, who managed to work almost full-time for two weeks out of three on most cycles. I also had chemo at home and found that a real bonus.
You’ve been given good advice here. For me, the big advantage about being by myself was that I didn’t have to ‘try’ for anyone else. If the steroids kept me up all night, I wasn’t disturbing anyone. If I wanted to stay in my PJs all day and watch rubbish TV I could. I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, etc, etc.
Sure, it would sometimes be nice if there was someone to make me a cup of tea, or cook me something - but then I think that any morning when I’m having a lie-in! For advice, company and laughter, this site was brilliant - I don’t post much anymore (active treat ment finished a year ago) but still like to ‘keep in touch’.
Hi. I,m also on my own, but am very lucky with my support network through the day.I have friends who encourage me to go for lunch and out for walks I do appreciate how difficult it is at night. I have a daughter but she stays 100 miles away. We talk regularly on the phone which helps. As i have just started chemo after a lumpectomy I have been lucky with just a small infection which cleared up easily, I feel positive having survived first treatment without feeling too bad, but am aware that I have a long way to go.
I think the support on this site is so important if you are on your own supporting each other.
I also am alone will be starting my chemo tomorrow 11th! I have family close by, so although I live alone they look after me too. I find nights are a bit tough too wake up at all hours with all sorts of thoughts going around my head!! Then I launch into readng my kindle.
I find this site makes good reading knowing that there are people here going through the same as me, and find very helpful comments and advice too.
Take Care
Another really useful resource that nobody has mentioned so far is the BCC helpline. It’s not just for crisis moments, they’re great just to toss ideas around with.
I can’t really add any information here. I did it all alone, and I am self-employed so no question of not working. I second the suggestions of getting exercise every day to help with the effects. I got more and more tired, although never unable to get on with things, but unable to walk so far, but the best remedy for that is more exercise.
Those photos of caring partners, husbands etc. drive me mad, I must say. And not all the accounts I’ve read of how husbands react make me wish I had one…
Don’t have a lot to add as there’s been some useful advice already. Like you I preferred to go out to stock up on shopping - easier for me as I have a car. With FEC I carried on my life pretty much as normal - still went shopping, to concerts, to other events with plenty of people there. Like you I’m in Bristol and had chemo at home and had the Neulasta jab to boost the immune system, so I didn’t get paranoid about picking up infections and got all the way through without getting any.
With the TAX part of my treatment I was hit badly with SEs and basically if I felt really ill I just gave in and stayed in bed. As DJ007 said, if you’re on your own you don’t need to keep up a brave face for other people, and have no responsibilities to cook for a family etc, which is an advantage. I’m a private person so didn’t really want other people cleaning my house - I just let it go to pot and turned a blind eye!
I did try to get out of the house every day where possible and even if not meeting up with friends or going to group activities I’d have a coffee and read the newspaper in a café for a while so I didn’t feel isolated. I’m not a daytime TV person, so tended to read or do stuff on line - this site was a huge support for me, particularly the April 2012 chemo group. I agree that the nights are the worst if you are on your own and feeling ill - but fortunately I only had a few really bad nights with pain etc and they just had to be endured.
Good luck with it all - and this site is a really good place to let off steam if you don’t want to burden friends and family when you’re not feeling good.
Hello everyone - I was DX in March 2010, and decided to tell only 2 friends, both of whom live 200 miles away in oppsite direction!! Then when I got the ‘all gone’ I could tell my local friends that I had HAD BC and was now NED (I call it NEDDY - no evidence of that damned disease as yet). Yes it is hard work, but it was my choice as I am single, an orphan, no siblings, no kids, and for me doing things on my own is my default setting. And my support group of one was always available by email/phone for a rant or weep. I knew I would not cope well with the ‘How are you?’ with the sympathetic smile and pat on hand. I have 2 jack russells and walking them each day is brilliant as it makes me get out and gets the endorphins flowing. Also I’m retired I didn’t have the whole work thing to deal with. I just go with the flow, get as much fresh air as poss, and refuse to feel isolated by using the help line and this community.
I think you will find the best way for yourself because you are so aware of where you are now. We are all different so we do it differently.
Certainly I found having no responsibilities for others, and knowing all decisions were MY decisions, was great.
Hi all,
I have just found out Neddy (great attidue, Grumpy) is being faithful to me, which is great.
I too, did it alone in 2010, but in 2003 I did it with the help of my husband (who died in 2009). I can only add, if anyone offers to help, take it. Most people who do offer help are realy happy, if you accept.
My biggest scare was when i started Taxotere and had very bad chest pain, I could have died and no-one would have known for a week.
I think this is a realy interesting thread. mods I think we ought to have our own group. “Single and coping on your own”
Good luck to you all, from Maria xx
Hiya all, can I join the single girls club too
So far been through two surgeries and just finished chemo (3 weeks ago). Some great advice above about the practical stuff (thank god for online grocery shopping) and the advice about exercise is spot on, I have a dog so however bad I was feeling I had to get up, get dressed and get outside. I’m sure that was a huge advantage in coping with the chemo and the rest.
I think the hardest thing is the emotional strain. Yes friends are great for off loading to, but probably I’ve told different friends different things (not deliberately), so noone really knows all my worries. I find that although I do need to unload I also, when I see my friends, want to be normal and go out for tea and cake, and talk about normal things, not cancer! Also found that my friends were great after the first two chemo sessions, calling round and brining me treats, but as the months wore on, they were often busy and I saw less of them - I don’t resent that as they have their own lives and busy work periods, but be prepared and understanding.
Don’t know about the rest of you but I also found it really unhelpful to have the hospital staff urging me to bring someone to appointments or chemo with me, I just wanted to shout IM FINE ON MY OWN, I can cope !! And the number of times they tried to persuade me to go and “chat” over at the Maggies centre - they seemed to think because I was on my own I was a complete emotional flake and couldn’t cope. (I’m sure Maggies is a great help to some, but sharing with strangers is not my thing).
Not sure I’ve offered any advice here, other than to say, yes you can do it on your own and you will get through it, and don’t forget we are all out here too.
V x
I’m single and live alone whilst going through this too. I had a mastectomy in August with Sentinel Node Clearance and have recently been back to have Axillary Node Clearance as they originally found 2/11 nodes with cancer. I get the results of the 2nd clearance tomorrow. I’m currently having problems with wound healing [oozing of fluid and some infection]. The next step is chemotherapy and I’m expecting that to start later this month, though I haven’t had a date yet.