Well I’ve come through chemo and on the 9th I have my first rads. I’ve not started Tamoxifen yet - that should be after rads.
All of a sudden over the past week I’ve just suddnly been feeling really really angry, frustrated and fed right up of everything, out of the blue.
I told my BCN the other day that I seem to be really effed off all the time at the moment, I’m effed off with cancer, effed off at the idea of travelling every day for rads as I’m exhausted, effed off with being skint, effed off with being bored, effed off with having no life and just existing and I want my life back. Dummy well and truly out of pram.
She says this is a good sign as it means I’m getting my spark back. I said to her that I managed whilst doing chemo not to be all worked up and angry, so why now?
Anyone else feeling like this? I’m keeping it in around my family/friends as much as I can. But I’m just so mad that over the past 4 years I’ve had a catalogue of really horrible things happen and now I’ve got to contend with all of this cancer cr*p and worry about my future as well. I’m FUMING|
This is what I’ve had to deal with in the past 4 years:
My Mum dying from cancer.
My OH’s Dad dying from complications from heart op
5 years of trying for a baby
A Miscarriage
Fertility Treatment
Police contact about my estranged father, a year of investigations where court may have been involved then finding out he was sexually abusing my sister from the age of 8.
A very stressful job - dealing with a boss that was out to get me and who made me redundant unlawfully, solicitor involvement etc. In the end I felt I had to get another job.
My partner getting made redundant (lawfully)
Partners self employment not working out and a resulting depression on him where he didn’t work for a year.
Dealing with Sh*t around OH’s daughter and Ex Wife being hard work.
Learning to drive
and now… CANCER
So as you can imagine, I’m feeling very very angry at fate at the moment and want some GOOD stuff to happen and soon.
well you beat my with your list of cr*p, but i do know how you feel, and if you ask my daughter i had one of those fuming moments this morning! I’m hoping that 3 hoursa back at work tomorrow will help me feel a little more like a human!
keep your chin up, you always have us, we take any fuming and angry you want to throw at us!
That’s just the last 4 years I’ve had a very very tough life really, one of those people who has everything happen to them.
I’m sick of it.
I try and focus on the good things though as well, I’m not just a moaning minnie. (Anyone who says positive will get an effing slap though, I cringe at that word)
I have a great OH who I adore and he’s faithful and loyal, loving and makes me laugh, I’m so grateful for this relationship.
I have some fab friends.
I live in a nice area
I have a nice cat (clutching at straws here)
And, I’ve had worse things happen to me than cancer (believe it or not)
I like myself (mahbe not physically at the moment)
So it’s not all bad - but I’m just sick of always having rainy days and just want a break from it all. It’s almost become a running joke with those that know me, because I seem to have knock after knock, only it’s really not funny anymore.
I’ve not been through anything like you have in the past 4 years, in fact the last three have been the best by far until the lead balloon that is BC!!
I’m in the waiting room for chemo after having a double dip at the WLE!
However, I have noticed that I am getting angry at the slightest little thing! To spare friends of my constant moaning, whinging & to prevent the “I’m so sorry”, the “stay positive”, the “my cat’s bestfriend’s sister has had cancer and she is so well now” comments, I save my postings for here and stay away from posting to Facebook!
Having a card from work, I posted a thank you … light hearted and kept it brief - only to get a message from a “friend” …“How’s things going sweetie?”. How do I say politely do one, leave me alone, you don’t work there so keep your nose out?
Kat look how petty little things are setting me off, you’ve got every right to be angry, you been through so much! You know one thing is for sure, we’re all here for you… whatever!
sorry, I am going to say something positive so I will duck when you send that slap my way.
but your BC nurse is right. All of a sudden you are feeling angry. All this rubbish happened to you over the last 4 years, and then you got cancer and you had every right to feel angry before now, but whilst going through chemo you didnt. Cancer so far has just taken the fight out of you and perhaps you needed all your strength to cope with treatment.
But the fact that you have the energy to start throwing your dummy around means that at last your mind and body have started to get the energy to react and fume about how its not fair and unless life takes a turn for the batter you are going to scream and shout and might even take the ball away to find a new game to play.
Cant say anything else realy except to look with amazement at the catalogue of events you have had to cope with and perhaps send you a pair of cyber boxing gloves to use on the next person that tells you how lucky you are.
hi a … big breaths … in out … in … out… ok…sounds to me like cancer is the straw that broke the camels back .
firstly , its not surprising your angry…
sounds like life has never been easy for you and now you have to suffer this. life is not fair some people to have one tragedy after another, but dont explode yet… you still need to find some energy to finish your treatment… get that over first… when you feel stronger both physically and mentally you can address the other things in your life… its good that you have a loving other half and its good that you have real friends who are there for you… yes your clutching straws with the cat lol… what you need is YOU time… time to sit… stroke the cat perhaps ! time to gather your thoughts… time to relax, and come to terms with the situation you find yourself in at the moment… its not easy … life has delt you a rough hand… you cant change anything in the past… but i hope your dad got what he had comeing to him… and that your sister can find the strength to move on …its good that you like yourself… sometimes …its heartbreaking to loose your mom… i know i lost mine 2. i also had a miscarrage… well still birth … sole distroying experience,all these things alone are enough to send anyone to a dark place… try and take some time out doing something that makes you happy, sometimes it works xx angie
YES!! and you know what, I am learning to get something out of expressing it - and its not as if you haven’t got something to be angry for…unlike me where irritations are trivial (see previous thread entitled grumpy old dyke alert).
You just be angry as long as its not too exhausting or destructive - go girl,
Nicola
Thanks for your comments all.
Being mad a lot is very very tiring too! I’m whacked today as a result. Obviously its something I need to work out of my system.
arrrghhhh and grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I alternate between being angry and oh s** it. Things irriate me that I would normaly laugh about and like everyone else I am fed up with being told to be positive and brave .
I am sending you a big hug as I can’t make you feel better and can only empathise wit the cr*p you have had to deal with in the last few years. Remember we are all here and don’t mind how angry you are.
Fi xx
I fly into rages at the daftest thing, usually when the house is a mess or one of the kids has done something or nothing!!!
I got so bad I went to the doctor he gave me some anti-depressants and a referral for some counselling,
the problem I have is I carnt see how my life is any different now to what it was before my dx and find myself asking “is this it?” the pills have calmed me down a lot, but I know where you are coming from,
not that you would wish anything bad on anybody, but some people just seem to sail through life without a care and seemingly no problems, doesnt seem fair does it?
I considered taking up kick boxing, or karate so I could get violent on somebody, but I havent got the energy to even do that lol,
no seriously, I dont know what to suggest, but just when you thought everything that could possibly happen has, something else will happen, hopefully it will be something good.
YES - but I am one of the lucky ones I guess - certainly that catalogue of events over the last 4 years leaves me reeling - so sorry and for the others who have such problems.
But I find after chemo sessions I have a few days when I am irritable and angry big time. Just been through one of these periods.
My marriage is ok but not great and all the holes in it become glaringly obvious at these times. I find I am just being direct and rude to the husband and simply not caring. He is fed up and no wonder, but I just can’t bring myself to apologise, it’s like I’m allergic to comfort and affection.
I’ve got a lot more chemo to go, so goodness knows I could be divorced by Christmas…
Whilst I was having my afternoon sleep I got woken by the phone, couldn’t be bothered answering it as too out of it.
Turns out it was the cancer counsellor wanting to make an appointment to see me, on the 9th, the first day of rads! IN the other direction.
Kat - your last 4 years sounds like my entire life from the age of three.
I thought that things had finally changed for the better when I met and married my lovely OH but since then, I’d had two dreadful diagnoses of life-long illnesses that effed up my career and then, just as I thought my psyche had just about recovered from the ravages of a sh*tty life, I got the BC Dx.
Just can someone tell me WHY so many folk lead charmed lives; no kids with SEN, no family deaths/abuse/general sh*t and no hideous illnesses?
My Mum had a really bad time of it as well you know, it’s like bad luck and sh*t things happening are flaming well genetic or something.
She used to say about people leading charmed lives.
Another quote she used to say is “some are born to sheer delight and some are born to endless night” (She was an English Teacher, they all do the quotes thing - ha ha)
Honestly, I don’t tell people all this stuff unless I know them really well as otherwise I think they’d think i was a right old yarn spinner, someone once said to me “noone can go through THAT much in such a short lifetime”. … Oh they can.
I’ve never been bitter about it, but I have been angry on occasion. And had a good “Oh what effing well NOW”.
It’s like I’m being put through some enormous test (not religious BTW, wonder why…)
I’ve had a very very tough life really, one of those people who has everything happen to them.
LMFAO. Can’t win.