anyone elses partner reacting like this?

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Hi everyone,

I have finished my treatment now, so why does it feel worse now than when I first started on this path.

I cannot seem to snap out of it, I have seen my GP who has given me anti-depressants to take, and I have made an appointment to see a councillor, I know it is me that has got the problem and I need to sort my head out, but my partners answer is to carry on as normal, at the moment we arent even speaking because of his lack of understanding, how can he possibly appreciate how I am feeling from a mans point of view, his answer is almost to ‘get on with it’, “You ought to be grateful”,
and another one liner of his “you ought to be thankful you are alive”,
does he think for one minute I dont already know that,

he wants to try coming to terms with having been physically mutilated mentally feeling like I am going out of my mind, so angry and frustrated, I just want to be happy, but it just doesnt seem to be happening,

I know why he has stood by me through all of this, but why am I being made feel as if I actually owe him something,

this is so difficult I dont know how I am going to get through it and come out at the other end, what is the point of being with somebody if you feel as if you are on your own?

Is there anyone else out there that feels as if they are living seperate lives or feel they would be better off doing so, just residing under the same roof?

Liz xx

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there is another post called GRRR Men, where people are talking about their partners reaction from waiting for results to that aweful flat time after treatment is finished.

women on there have a whole range of reactions from hurling pork pies to re-evaluating relationshisps and deciding life is better. I will bump it up for you.

your doctor is a medic, i am not. But I would think there is a fine line between being depressed and being quite understandably down and upset because even though the treatment has finished the emotional roller coster is still going on.

Who would go up to a recently berieved widow and say–well they are dead now, and you are lucky to be alive so get on with it and stop being miserable.

Trouble is everybody ha some inclin about what berievemnet is about but there is very little knowledge of the emotional effects of BC (apart from people here who have gone through it themselves)

I would grab the offer of councilling. I would also ring the helpline, they are not just there to explain side effects and proceedures, they are there to help with everything.

I dont think you should expect to “snap out of it” From reading other posts yours is a very normal reaction to coming to the end of treatment.

Hopefully there will be others along with first hand knowledge to talk to you.

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Hi Liz, So sorry to hear you’re having to cope with his reaction on top of everything else. My darkest and lowest moments came at the end of treatment too. Someone else on here recommended a great book which I downloaded onto my PC from Amazon as I don’t have a Kindle. Its got advice for relatives too. {Search Results | Breast Cancer Now]
Hope you can work things out soon. BB

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cheers busybee,

I am sure that eventually it will come right, but its what happens in the meantime if you know what I mean,

all I wanted was for him to understand, and put up with me, and not give me more grief, but maybe he is fed up of doing that by now,

men, they arent worth the hassle.
liz xxx

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Hi Liz

Sorry that things are so bad for you just now.
I read in another thread that you have young children. Forgive me if I’m wrong.
When I was first diagnosed in 2000 I was married with 4 kids under the age of 5!!!(very fertile, twins, obviously no telly) My OH was really scared, not only about my problems but about being left with 4 small children to look after.
It may be that he needs the councelling and is just not coping with the possible outcomes. My theory is that men are very simple beings. As long as they can provide for their family, are fed and have sex they are happy. If anything changes in their lives they get really upset and show it in strange ways.
That said - you should be looked after and loved after all you have been through.
Hope things get better soon.
Claire

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Hi Liz

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a horrible place, big hug coming your way…

I am not sure if I can help but just wanted to let you know that I have also had similar feelings of dispare which I recognise as (mild) depression, and believe this was brought on by the steriods. What I do know is that when you feel like this you cannot just “snap out of it”, count your blessings or feel lucky to be alive.

Has your OH read the BCC booklet “In IT Together”? My OH found this very helpful. The following article is also good at explaining things, I found it helped me to both understand and articulate my feelings. Thanks to the ladies who originally posted this!

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResHarvey?OpenView&ExpandAll&Count=500

Would your OH be prepared to go with you to counselling?

DaisyGirl xx

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When I was diagnosed and through my initial treatment my partner was just the same. Looking back I think that he believed that if he carried on as normal nothing else bad would happen. His attitude made me angry and upset. I am now recovering after a LD Flap reconstruction. He has been much better. I have explained to him what I need emotionally and he has took it on board whereas last time he was distant. He has done lots of practical jobs around the house which is his way of showing that he cares and taken me out for short drives and coffee because I hate being stuck in.
Your feelings are very normal,It is horrible to be diagnosed with cancer and have all sorts of things done to you that you dont have much choice about. Also to have no garentees about the future. It is a very difficult situation for both of you to come to terms with. It will take time for you both to adjust.

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Liz, more hugs from here.

I can’t talk about the relationship thing much because my situation isn’t the same (I have a long-term relationship but we don’t live together, so I don’t have the day-to-day stuff going on) but I have experienced depression in the past. It’s not something anyone, including yourself, should expect to be able to just snap out of, so try not to be too hard on yourself with that. Anti-d’s take several weeks to start to have an effect, and don’t be surprised if you feel a bit worse before you gradually start to feel better. You won’t wake up suddenly one morning with a big grin on your face, but gently, gradually, you might notice that you’re more able to cope with the crap that life throws at us, and that you can actually smile at the silly little happy things that happen. Counselling will also be a good release for you, as talking things through often helps to clarify the boundaries of what you’re feeling.

Thinking about your OH, does he know that you’ve been prescribed anti-d’s and that you will be going to counselling? It’s really difficult to get your head round this depression thing if you haven’t been there (bit like cancer in that way, I suppose) so I can get that he just doesn’t understand what’s going on inside your head. Depression can make you feel as if you’re on your own, even if he were to be running round doing practical things. It builds a wall between you and everyone else and it can be a very lonely illness - and it IS an illness and not just because you’re weak. You’re not, you’ve actually been strong in acknowledging that there’s a problem and that you need some help to get through it.

When you’re out the other side of the depression and look back you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come, so good luck on getting there. Good luck, keep on keeping on, and things will get better, very gradually, very gently, but they will get better.

CM
x

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Liz, have another hug from me.

The reaction about, so what, you should be grateful to be alive, forget everything else, was the first and only “support” from my OH’s sister. some folk just don’t get it.

Every day I bless the day I met and married my OH. He has been a fantastic, loving support through all this current situation, but I had an ex who was horrid and totally unable to either sympathise or empathise so I fully understand what you’re going through.

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I just wondered how your OH half would feel about coming to a couple of your counselling sessions? Perhaps you good discuss this with your counseller when you start. It seems he is struggling with his own emotions.

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bumped up for shazzy to read

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Oh Liz I’m so sorry you are feeling so depressed. I have suffered with depression for years and unfortunately unless like BC you have been there people find in hard to understand, and unlike bc there are no outward signs. The drugs we have been taking, the emotional ride we have been on all contribute to this feeling. I have found that the doses that I have been put on since diagnosis has helped me. Today I finished my chemo and instead of jumping for joy I can’t stop crying, how odd is that. Get yourself to your GP and ask for help and if you can council together on some session it could help and that book in it together helped my oh too. Good luck and huge hugs to you. Xxxxx

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hi everyone,

I have been to my gp and he has given me some anti depressants also a number to phone for some counselling, they phone you back and have a chat about how you are first, then decide whether they can see you in person,

I havent told my oh about any of this, because I dont want to, basically it is something I need to work through for me, it almost feels personal,

thank you all so much for your help and support, and knowing that it is ok to feel as I do makes things so much easier,

love and best wishes Liz xxx

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I’m glad your getting the help you need Liz. I’ve had counselling in the past and it can be a very private thing, my daughter who I’m so close to and talk about anything is also having counselling over the death of her child, and I told her I wouldn’t question her about details as I believe it’s her time, just ask her if it went ok, and is it helping, and here if she want to talk. Good luck and I wish you well xxx

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hi thanks blue dragonfly, I really appreciate that, its so difficult, I am sure I will get there eventually, just need to work throught it all.

Best wishes Liz xxx

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Hi liz

First of all I’m so sorry that you are going through such an awful time. I send you my love and strength to cope and get through. You will cope and you will look back and realise what an amazing person you are.

My siutation with regard to you OH is similar to yours but I don’t have all the other complications you are having to deal with.

It’s a very lonely place to be when there is no support from the person who is supposed to be closest to you. It never occurred to me, when I was dx, that my husband would actively go out of his way not to support me and help where he could.

I’ve been to counselling twice. The first time was with a mental health counsellor who was brilliant. When she told me that the way my husband was treating me was due to nothing I had done and none of the awful treatment was my fault, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders in that moment. I still re-live that moment when I’m feeling a bit down.

The second session of counselling was with a cancer counsellor from my local hospice. She really gave me the determination to deal with my situation and not expect anything from my husband and to detach myself and lead my own life. The result of that is that we now live in the same house but have our own social lives and look after ourselves.

I try to make my life as pleasant as I can for myself. I keep my distance and speak to him pleasantly about everyday things. .

I’m not underhand and am open and truthful about what I’m doing and where I’m going. That’s the way I am and I don’t intend changing my personality. It’s not the way I want it to be but life doesn’t work out the way we want so I do the best I can with what I have.

For me the sessions of couselling were ‘me time’ when I could pour out my inner feelings of disappointment, sadness and betrayal without holding anything back. In fact I had 6 sessions and the last session was the only one when I didn’t cry. The first one I cried for the whole hour but felt much better afterwards.

From each session I went away and thought about what I’d said and what the counsellor had said and tried to work things out in my head, once you’ve spoken your feelings out loud it’s like you’ve sorted them into order, they no longer go round and round in your head and you can deal with them so much better.

I found that weekly sessions were too often for me, I hadn’t sorted all my thoughts from the previous week and so I asked to have a session every 2 weeks.

My advice would be to go for counselling on your own to start with, I think that time for you to freely express exactly how you feel will be a huge benefit. Get everything out and rant as much as your like.

You can always go for sessions with your husband at a later date if that’s what you both want.

Sorry that this is such a long post. I was going to PM you but thought that my experiences may help people in similar situations.

Love to you. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Love and huge hugs to you,

Jan xxx

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Hi Liz

God how awful :frowning: Must feel very lonely for you, it makes me so sad when I hear of these things.

I wonder if he, like most people, thought that once you’d finished chemo/rads, that you’d be “back to normal”. I admit to thinking that myself until I started on here and realised that it takes 3-6 months for the body to readjust, then all the Tamoxifen SEs, the depression side when people realise they may not feel as they did before, the body issues etc.

In fact nearly everyone I know thought as I did. I’ve started prepping people in advance, including my OH, so that they are aware that I may not be out of the woods straight after obvious treatments.

It’s so sad for you, you seem such a lovely person and you’ve helped me on a few occasions despite all the stuff you’ve got going on.

I started on Citrolpram anti depressents as soon as I was diagnosed because I was already teetering on the edge of it all with the fertility treatment toll it was taking on me physically and emotionally but couldn’t take any anti depressents whilst going through that.

I do think they help if you’re down but take a while to kick in.

I wish the very best for you hun xxxx

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Jan, I completely understand that bit about needing a bit more time between sessions to sort your thoughts out. I had counselling many years ago and had exactly the same thing, I thought it was just me being a bit fick!!!

Liz, take it gently, with the help you have been offered you WILL get there eventually, it just needs baby steps, baby steps.

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Hi Liz im so sorry your OH has been like this, but pleased you are getting some help, my OH has been with me all the way, but from the way he is talking im sure he thinks im just going to bounce back & ALL is going to be as it was before ! … Ive seen alot of posts with simular feeling to them once treatment is finished & I too am coming up to the end of mine & to be honest I felt a bit ‘weird’ (if thats the word) on the way home today I was thinking 2 more rads … then what ? we go through so much & the end of treatments do feel sort of “OK your done off you go & get on” 1) we are recovering I think for a long while as well as trying to carry on with life, we have been put through what seems like a tunnel of appointments, being pulled about, terrible worry, sleepless nights & thats without the SE of treatments AND its OUR bodies going through it family & friends are just on the outside looking in & although they mean well & just want the same old us back IT ISN’T GOING to happen & nobody should expect it let alone ourselves.

We are all different & find a way but at different times I think this is the time where we have to be strong & put our foot down & if they dont like it or dont understand then … TUFF !

All the best with the councelling I hope you soon start to feel better

lots of love
Mekala x

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Hi CM

Pleased to know you were the same. My counsellor seemed a bit surprised when I asked to see her fortnightly. For me there was actually much more sorting out in my head going on between sessions that there was during!!! I think the secret is to remember that whatever you say you’re not going to upset the counsellor or get an angry reaction and so just let your mouth blurt out whatever comes into your head and go wherever your thoughts take you.

You are absolutely right. Tiny, tiny baby steps, one at a time.

The other thing that I remind myself of is that this is my problem, my husband is happy with the path he chose to take, his decision was to do less than nothing, so he obviously has no problem with it. Because it’s my problem I must do the best for myself that I can to deal with it and put it behind me.

It’s a complicated thing this BC and all the issues and complications surrounding it. At least on here there’s always someone who understands.

J xx