My wife, Julie, was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 weeks ago and had a mastectomy 6 days later. We’ve since learnt that the cancer has also spread to her lymph nodes and as a consequence she has to undergo chemo for 18 weeks, then radiotherapy for 3 to 5 weeks afterwards…a daunting prospect for her! We’ve been happily married for 25 years with 3 teenage children and this all came came out of the blue and has rocked our happy family to the core. Although the prognosis for Julie, who’s only 48, is very good we are all very scared, especially me! She will have all the love and support we can give but there are hard times ahead. Julie entered this website to learn more about what’s ahead for her, learn from the experiences of others and hopefully deal with everything a little better. After reading some of the stories and comments of others with Julie I felt it would also benefit her if i also learnt more about what’s to come from a partner’s perspective, to do anything I can to try to help my wife and our children through the rigors of the next 6 months. Anything I can learn will be of great value. Thanks for listening.
Cheers
Graham
Hi Graham,
From what you are saying it seems like you are already well on the right road. I’m sure that with all that love this will bond you all as a family even more than now.
I wish you all peace
Ruth
Thank you for your good wishes Ruth, Julie’s strong and with our help she’ll come through this ok.
Regards
Graham
Hi Graham,
You definetley seem to be going in the right direction with regard to helping your wife.
My husband has been with me all the way, through dx, chemo, rad’s and now 3.5 yrs from dx i realise how dificult this is/has been for him too…he was strong for me when i hit rock bottom…even though he was devastated too he always puts my feelings etc first and i really don’t know how he has managed.
Just be there for your wife [as you are]…she will have very low points but knowing your there will help her through these…when i had my chemo my husband always came with me…but when i had it administered he waited in the waiting room…my decision…i was so scared of chemo the fact that i got there was amazing and i needed to do that bit by myself.
Even now when i have check-ups my husband comes with me but waits in waiting area whilst i go in…knowing he’s out there is important to me though.
I think at first he thought it strange that certain parts i needed to do by myself…but has always respected my wishes…i love him very much and know that without him i wouldn’t of got this far.
remember to reassure your wife that you still love her and find her attractive…i found that very imprtant to know.
i wish you, your wife and family all the best in the journey that lies ahead of you.
karen x
Graham the booklet ‘‘IN IT TOGETHER’’ the moderator has recommended is very good, i ordered it for my husband to read.
karen x
hi graham - i just wanted to say that, although there will be difficult times ahead, it means so much to have a supportive family around. my husband and son came to my chemo sessions etc and that really helped me, but every one is different and your wife may want to do things differently. just keep reassuring her that you still love her, especially if she has doubt and worries about her body image.
all you can do is be there for her - a shoulder to cry on, someone she can shout at when she gets angry - and it sounds as if that is exactly what you are doing.
good luck with the treatment.
carol
Hi Karen and Carol.
Thank you both so much for your advice, it is really helpful. I have been with Julie to all her appointments and was by her side both times when the bad news was delivered. I am going to be with her through the chemo, rads and whatever else she has to do in the coming months and fortunately work (Fireman) have been great with me and promised me whatever time off I need for Julie’s appointments. Our family is still reeling from the shock of all this, its only been 3+1/2 weeks since our world was rocked, but we are trying to get on with life as normal as possible. Julie’s strength through this traumatic time has been amazing - after 30 years together you think you know someone inside out but she has surprised me again! I know she’s scared but she’s also a fighter and I know she’ll come through this positively…and she will have me and her family and friends to buoy her up when she’s low. The advice you’ve both given me with regard to the chemo etc is really good and I’ll let her decide which way she wants to handle it, that’s ok with me. I’ll also read the booklet you mentioned Karen, thanks. Julie has also entered this website (Julie59) to get advice on what is ahead for her and she’s already had good advice from people like yourselves.
Many thanks again to you Karen and Carol, it really does help. Cheers!
Best Wishes
Graham X X
You have already had such good advice and you are instinctively doing what is right for your wife and family. I just wanted to add a word of caution. Like you, my husband was a wonderful support, but after a few months he lost it a bit. Basically he became depressed but wouldn’t acknowledge this. The strain was immense but we finally got support through my MacMillan Nurse.
I want you to remember that you are important too and give yourself time too. Yes Julie needs you now, but as the wks go by she will need you less often, and then is the time to give you and her space.
Good luck, you will all get through this as it is clear you are fighters.
Irene
Hi Graham, like you, i have been married a long time to a wonderful man, he has stood by me through thick and thin, i am lucky that i have not had to have chemo or rads, but i am on hormone treatment, and will be for a long time to come, as a woman, the hardest thing i have found is the feeling that i have lost control of my life, for example, i can;t go back to the job i was doing, which i liked, but as it will be a while till i can work again its not too bad, the hard part will be trying to get another job, at 44, and never being out of work, well, not sure how much the general work force is going to want me. also, and this is just how i felt, the amount of people who called to see me was just too much, i’m quite a private person, and felt really intruded upon and i know people were showing concern, so that just made it harder. i have learnt to say no, in the nicest way possible. and like Irene says, as the weeks go by, well, i’m finding that i’m sending the hubby off to watch tv, just like he would before this happened, whilst i read a book, it took a lot of explaining to him that he doesn’t have to wrap me up in cotton wool, and be at my side day and night, i know he loves me, and is there for me. times will be hard sometimes Graham, but the good days do outweigh the bad ones, just may not seem like that at times.
love to you Both
Alison xxx
Hi Graham
I’m lucky to be married to a wonderful man too - who has been an absolute star - just like you.
I was diagnosed on 4th April, age 41 (with two girls age 14 and 10). It completely shocked us all to the core too, and we were all so scared and devastated at first. I’ve now just had my penultimate chemo, and will be having a mastectomy on 3rd October, followed by radiotherapy and Herceptin for a year.
The first few weeks are the worst I have to say, BUT, as a family we are feeling so much more positive now. I was aware from the begining that this wasn’t just me this was affecting, and ensured that my friends remembered my husband was going through this too, and that he had support if he needed it. His work have been great, and allowed him any time he’s needed to come to hospital appointments with me.
I’m sure Julie will have her down days, when she will want reassurance that you still love her and want her - which of course you do, but I know when I started losing my hair, eyelashes etc, I couldnt look in the mirror without seeing a freak (sounds irrational I know), and thought my husband would feel the same. Luckily he’s not that shallow, but I still ocassionally need reassurance from him that he still loves me !
Graham, you sound as if you’re doing a terrific job already - you will get through this, and its true, before long the good days do outweigh the bad ones, and you’ll find that you come to terms with this and it becomes part of your lives. Not only that, you’ll probably find your marriage is stronger than ever (I know we have).
Sending you both lots of love
Julie xx
Hi Graham
Just be their for her when she needs you and tell her that she still looks wonderful…that’s the only advice i would give…
Lucy
XXXX
Graham,
Just carry on doing what you are doing. The fact that you are asking for advice speak volumes in itself. I too have a wonderfully supportive husband and 1 year old who is keeping me going. The time between my diagnoses and mastectomy was, like your wife’s, very quick and I didn’t have time to think about all the implications until afterwards. It took me a while to even look at the area myself and I still can’t let my husband see it, but like Julie41 I felt (and still do to a degree) like a complete freak especially when my hair fell out too. Apart from the initial shock I have managed mostly to be strong and positive throughout my chemo, but find that silly little things will set me off. All I can say is just be yourself but let her know you love her as much as you always have. We women like those three little words at the best of times so even more at times like these.
Big internet hug to you, Julie and your children.
Janne xx
Dear Graham. Like others have said, you appear to be doing just what you need to, and sound as wonderful as my lovely fiance. I don’t know whether your Julie likes to be told she is beautiful, but I know I will need reassurance that I am still beautiful and FANCIABLE when I have my op. I was only diagnosed 2 days ago, so nothing really has happened yet.
Also, I would reiterate what IreneM said. You may (but you may not!) find that you are affected more than you expected - maybe depression/stress/etc. Please don’t ignore your own emotional and mental health (lots of men do - men aren’t supposed to have those problems, are they?). If you need help, ask for it, for your own sake and obviously that of your wife and children. I think you will, as you have come on this site and been very open.
All the very best to you and your wife and family. You have my care flowing through the ether.
Emma
xxx
To all the girls above a BIG, BIG thank you for all the advice and good wishes, it is helping me to come to terms with everything thats happening and is giving me an insight into what I should expect and how to be as supportive as I possibly can for my wife, Julie. I do have my moments of sadness of course but have tried to snap out of it pretty sharpish as “The Mrs” doesnt need me moping about the place! Ha! Julie is actually a very beautiful woman anyway and she’s always had my love and attention in large doses and that love and affection wont be any different as the coming months unfold, no matter what happens re the chemo and rads or anything else! I have seen the wound (that was a nervous moment for both of us) and she’s still very fanciable to me and always will be! My primary concern is obviously Julie and our kids but I have taken on board the points made re looking after myself and will endeavour to make a bit of time for myself when appropriate. My mates have been brilliant too and there’s been plenty of offers to go for a pint if needed, which I have a couple of times, with Julie’s blessing.
Anyway once again many thanks ladies for all your words of advice and comfort, they are a great help.
Also something I forgot to say to Karen and Carol earlier, but I do now, and now to Irene, Alison, Julie, Lucy. Jane and Emma - the very best wishes I and my family can give to you all and I sincerely hope everything turns out well in the future for everyone.
Kind Regards
Graham X
My humblest apologies to Ruth (Quisie) at the top of this list. I’ve just looked through everyone’s comments again and inexplicably missed your kind words at the beginning? I’m so sorry, I dont understand how I missed it?? Everything I’ve said to the other girls is just as applicable to you also Ruth, your words mean just as much me! Thank you and my
sincerest apologies for not acknowledging your kind words sooner!
Best wishes
Graham X
Hello Graham,
I haven’t been here for quite a while now, nearly a year in fact. My girl was diagnosed in May 2006 at 31 years of age and it turned our little world upside down. You can probably see my story from my previous posts. The one thing that i have found is that by listening to each other, respecting each others views, we have come through this a stronger couple.
I had days when I thought the sky was going to fall down, that there was no way through this, as I am sure my girl did. However, we found that some days I was her rock and some days she was mine. Life is far too short to have an ego with things. What’s the point? We talked things through, made decisions together and took each step one at a time.
I tried to wrap her up in cotton wool as I wanted to protect and fend off anything that could upset her, but I found that all I did was make her feel inferior, like she wasn’t capable. All of the major decisions concerning big things in her life were taken away from her and she just had to get on with many things. So me taking away other decisions was not going to help at all. She needed to keep control of as many things as she could.
The road ahead is bumpy, however, a hug, a listening ear, love and support for each other go a long way to smooth the road. You need it too.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I can fully understand how you feel.
I wish you all the best.
Darren
Hello Darren. How is your girl now? How did her treatment go?
Emma
xxx
Hi Darren
Thank you for your wise words, I will keep all you have said in mind as Julie’s treatment unfolds. I completely understand what you’re saying re wrapping them up in cotton wool. I feel I want to pick Julie up and whisk her away to that place where no illness exists and all the pain goes away…but of course that place sadly doesn’t exist so we are just trying to get on with our lives as normally as possible and when you have 3 teenage children around there’s always a lot happening, believe me - which is good as it takes our minds off things at times! Julie’s resolve to beat this and her strengh of character in general has amazed us all so she wouldn’t let me wrap her up anyway! As you say, there are good days and bad days and I will be there for her to lean on whenever she needs me and her strength through all this has been an inspiration to me when I get a bit down so it soon perks me up.
I sincerely hope your girl is well on the way to recovery and give her our very best wishes for the future - and, of course, to you also Darren.
Cheers mate!
Kind regards
Graham
Hi Graham,
thank you - and no worries about leaving me out or at the end - being the youngest i am well used to being last 
sounds like there is just so much love surrounding all of you and, as St Paul said, “love never fails”
hugs to all of you
Ruth
Ruth, that St Paul knew a thing or two!
Love to all
Emma
xx