Diagnosed with secondary about a month ago now and just feeling ready to share if that makes sense…
First diagnosed Sept 05 with primary - FEC and rads to June 06. Came back in neck lymph nodes Nov 06. Docetaxel up to May 07. Back again in lymph nodes around the thymus and the other armpit by August 07 so it has been very quick…
Still working, and gradually getting on with life but haven’t dared tell my children yet…
Twins of 12 and a 14 year old… Any tips anyone?
Thanks
Minerva
Hi Minerva, I’m so sorry to hear your news, this is a very supportive forum.
My child is much older but I’m sure others here will be able to help and advise.
Take Care…Belinda…xx
Hi Minerva
Iwas diagnosed with lung mets last year after 3 years and had FEC. This September my tumour markers were up so my oncologist has me on Vinorelbine. I am also still working and carrying on much as usual although I am getting tired on my treatment weeks. My children are 16 and 14. They have both dealt with it quite differently. My daughter (the 13 year old) found my secondary diagnosis very hard to deal with and really struggled. She did ask all the difficult questions, like can it be cured. I was advised by the chemo nurses to be honest. This time hasn’tbeen so bad but I wonder if it’s partly to do with the fact that the side effects are less obvious and apart from a couple of lapses I am more “myself” My son has a very head in the sand approach, having explained it all carefully, he then turned round and said, but it isn’t the cancer back is it!! I think it probably reflects wishful thinking on his part! I found their school very supportive, my daughter particularly chose a couple of staff to whom she would go if she needed to talk, they would even somrtimes just do mundane things such as tidy the cupboards and chat until she was more settled and could go back to class. Her friends were also hugely supportive. I did worry and do wrry about my son as he seems more isolated, his head of year kept an eye on him but he didn’t really want to talk. . I think the thing is to be as open as possible, I think my son asks his dad if he is worried as he doesn’t want to upset me however much I tell him it’s ok. It’s a difficult time for them as teenagers as they are trying to find and assert their independance and conflicting with that is their anxiety about you. There is also a conflict between their normal “selfish” teenage behaviour and your needs, we were at friends on Saturday for an impromtu party and I wanted to leave early as i was tired which didn’t go down well!
I feel that I have rambled on but hope that my thoughts have been of some use.
Good Luck!
Kathryn
Hi Minerva
Really want to re-endorse what Kathryn has said. My son was 7 when I was first diagnosed and we told him I had ‘bad cells’. It then came back when he was just about to start his A levels so we told him what was going on and then, last year, it became worse (just as he was starting university!) and again we had to tell him what was going on.
My son is exactly the same as yours Kathryn - he doesn’t talk about it to anyone. He’s never told his close friends (although his girlfriend told them by accident as she thought they knew). When I asked him why he hadn’t told anyone he said it was because he didn’t want to be treated differently and I think that stemmed from when he was 7 as quite a few of the children told him I was going to die then because of my cancer - very cruel aren’t they?
He’s told his girlfriend he’s quite happy to answer any questions she might have but he won’t initiate the conversation. I have now realised that, for him, this is how he copes and I have to respect that as he desperately needs to know that I’m still going to be around (I was the same with my mum when she died at 46) so I do know where he’s coming from.
We’ve always been honest with him as well even though it’s not always been easy but I would hate him to feel that he’d been excluded from something as important as this.
Cancerbackup do some very good booklets on how to talk to children and for different ages.
Take care.
Pinkdove