Because of all you lovely people on here!

Public Archive
1

Today, cancer reared its ugly head again! Not for me though, but for my Dad. He had bowel cancer 2yrs ago, and then Non Hodgkins’s lymphoma of his bowel last year. Today, he’s been diagnosed with a recurrence of his original bowel cancer from 2 yrs ago, and he’s going to have an operation very soon for it.

Today has been a shock for me, with my Dad’s news. Along with Dad’s cancer diagnosis’s, I had DCIS in 2001 and then Paget’s disease of the breast last year. Dad’s been told that they think it’s early stage cancer again, just like the other twice he’s been diagnosed - my breast cancers were both early stage too.

I’m writing this because so many of you on here have supported me, and along with my lovely colleagues today who were so kind to me when I was shocked at my Dad’s diagnosis, well it’s made it so much easier to bear.

My Dad has his surgery just a few days before I’m due to travel on a big holiday abroad. I’ve never flown on my own before, and have planned this holiday for ages, to stay with a close friend. My parents still want me to go, and Dad’s made me promise still to go, so I’ve said I will, but really I know inside of me I’ll only go depending on how Dad is. I’ve had a special birthday this year, and they gave me a big sum of money at the time, to spend while I’m away on my special holiday. They’re really wanting me still to go, but I know I need to be able to travel with an easy mind that Dad will be ok, and that they’ll not need me while I’m away. It’d take me 24hrs to get home if there was an emergency.

I’m so grateful to everyone on here, and also to my friends at home and at work, for their support of me. It’s made me able to cope so much better today than I would have done otherwise.

Cancer is horrible - even when it’s not happening directly to you, it affects you nonetheless. Sometimes, in response to my cancer diagnosises etc, people have said that no-one knows what’s round the corner for them too. Well, I reckon all of us on here, have far too many corners to turn! But we have each other on here, and I’m so thankful to all of you, my real/virtual/real friends, cos how you’ve helped and supported me over the last few months has made it that I’ve been able to cope with Dad’s cancer recurrence today.

so, nite nite to everyone!

With lots of love to each and every one of you all,
Shelley xxx

2

I am so sorry to hear about your poor dad. Your family really has been through the mill, I am sending big hugs and lots of positive vibes for your dad and his surgery.

SGL xxxxxx

3

Oh, Shelley, that is hard for all of you.
Hoping that things work out so you can go away for your special holiday, as it sounds as if that would please your Dad. But understanding how you feel in the meantime.
Have a hug.
Lavender

4

Thanks ever so much SGL and Lavender Lassie - I didn’t know I had such good coping skills. I’ve got through today ok after my initial shock yesterday.

Love to everyone!
Shelley xxx

5

Oh Shelley I am so sorry to hear about your dad, I too hope you get to go on your holiday obviously your going to be constantly thinking of your dad, wishing him all the best for the surgery & all the best to you too

Mekala x

6

Thanks ever so much Mekalar - it’s certainly been a tough couple of years cos Dad’s had two major ops in two years, and this’ll be the third. He was having chemo last year at the same time as I was having the mx.

I’d love still to be able to go on holiday - guess I’m feeling so guilty right now for even considering myself in terms of still going. Dad may need chemo again after the surgery, but I’d be back home in time for that starting if so.

I emailed my friend who I’ll be staying with and she sent a lovely email back within the hour, saying a “let’s wait till nearer the time to decide” sort of message, which was very reassuring, cos in a way it was giving me some sort of permission to still go. Does that make sense? My parents are definite that I must still go, but what would people around me think of me going on holiday when my Dad’s just had cancer surgery! Oh gosh, I don’t mean my friends etc are awful or judgemental or anything. I’m SO not explaining this!

Is there anyone out there who’s gone on holiday under similar circumstances to me pls? Like Ive said, I’m feeling so guilty cos I’ve been so looking forward to my “adventure holiday” and it’s helped to keep me going when I’ve had my off days. My friend and I have been emailing each other with plans for our time together over there. Also, she’s a photographer, and I was going to ask her to take some nice professional photos of me. Shee’s really pretty n I’m just ordinary, but she makes me feel so nice about myself - my body image is improving so much, n it would have been lovely to be able to go away somewhere very new and different - I was going to go white water rafting!.

But holidays are only holidays, and I know how important it is when people are around for you - look at all of us on here, spending time posting replies to each other. I want to be there for my Dad and Mum, and not worry about them if I do decide to go. I guess I could always travel at a later date within the two weeks, and just have less time over there. But, if I don’t go, at least I’ll have two weeks off work that I can devote entirely to my parents, without doing a 60mile round trip after work on public transport up to 5 times a week like I did last summer to my parents’.

Much love to you all!
Shelley xxx

7

hi shelley. what a horrible time your all having. im so sorry…
well your dad gave you some money , the holiday is booked… you cant change anything and your dad really wants you to go, i think that sums it up , you should go on holiday shelley . unless something drastic happens in the mean time… your dad will be in good hands, and you can ring him every day,you will feel less stressed out when you get back and you will be stronger to help your dad during his recovery.

8

Don’t worry about what people think etc. If your dad wants you to go I would go it will help him in a positive way. I would feel upset if any of my children cancelled something especially if they had had a tough time. My eldest son and his girlfriend wen’t away just after one of my ops and I just looked forward to hearing their experiences on return. You can see your dad just before you go and as soon as you come back. He will need more help when he comes out and you will have recharged your batteries and be able to help him even better.

9

Hi Shelley,

This is a dreadful dilemma for you. From what you have said it sounds as if you would rather be at home to care for your parents, or have I misunderstood? Do you have holiday insurance? Could you cancel your flight and go at some later date? If this were possible it might make the decision easier for you.

Would not like to be in your shoes at present but my best wishes for your dads op and hugs to you.

E

10

Oh thankyou so much for your replies -

Angiem, when I read what you’d written, I just thought “wow!” because it just had such impact. You’re right, I can’t change any of it, and I really need to recharge my batteries, because I’ve had cancer too. I live on my own you see, and would love to have someone actually here in my flat with me to spoil them, and to be spoilt too I guess. Going overseas for my adventure holiday would be a trip of a lifetime, and see a different culture etc, and just have some 1:1 time with my friend, and forget about bc. She’s the same age as me, and is very pretty with a lovely nature. She has a daughter just like her. I’d just really love to go out there - my friend and I have been planning lovely once in a lifetime things to do, as well as things like white water rafting and a helicopter ride.

I see her photos on facebook - i’m not pretty like her, but i’d love the chance for her to take photos of me - she takes such natural ones, and obviously has a knack of getting people relaxed and naturally posed. I’ve always been a bit self conscious body wise even before the mx, and I reckon I’d love the chance to practice n have a bit of a nice time in front of the camera - she lives in a beautiful area of the world, and I’m so lucky to have the chance to go all the way there.

Like lots of other people on here I bet, bc isnt the first horrible stuff I’ve had to deal with, n I’ve had lovely people round me after that other horrible stuff. That’s taught me to be around for people in return, and as a single person, I’ve been able to be around for my friends and family.

My holiday was going to be a time to let my hair down, see new sights and a different culture, and to be in a very beautiful area of the world.

I told my friend on the phone tonight that I feel I’m really selfish for still wanting this. She said I’m not selfish at all, but what if I go away, and my Dad’s poorly while I’m away? What if people think me selfish for still going, even if my Dad’s ok while I’m away. All these sorts of “what if’s” have made me live my life less for myself and more for others in the past. I just wanted this time with my friend and her family and meet her friends, and to see natural beauty of that part of the world.

Sunflower, thankyou so much for giving me your perspective too - I love the fact that your son went away just after one of your ops. I couldn’t have imagined that someone might reply along your lines - I’d never even thought of Mum n Dad wanting to hear about it afterwards but they will of course - I’d be taking my camcorder and yes, I’d phone them every day anyway. You’re also very right in what you say - if I could go away, it’d recharge me ready for whatever comes next for Dad, as he may need chemo again. Thankfully, there’s no genetic history to consider, but he’s had two different sorts of bowel cancerr, and I’ve had two different sorts of breast cancer. Cruel or what? But, we’re still here to tell the tale, and so far, it’s all been early stage. I call that very lucky!

Emmbee, it’s not just the caring about my parents, it’s the guilt thing - even if Dad’s ok, then what would people think me flying a long way so soon after his surgery. Am so scared something might still happen badly for him while I’m away, and then I’ll be blamed by people for not being there.

Yes, I have holiday insurance, but unless Dad was critically ill, I’d probably not be able to claim it back. Eg if I chose not to go in order to be there to support them practically or emotionally etc, then I probably wouldnt get my money back, but to be honest, am not concerned at all about the money side of things. It’s just all the guilt of what if I were to go away and he was taken really poorly.

I could go at a future date Emmbee - guess I’m being really negative here, but after my Dad’s two cancers and my two also, am nervous about his or my cancer coming back again in future and spoiling more plans.

Oh gosh, sorry folks - will stop now, before you all suggest I change my name to “Morbid61”.

I’m a worrier - the positive part of that, is that things are rarely as bad as where my worries take me!

Luv to everyone, and thanks so much for your replies. Think I’m like scales just now - put your flour on them, and the pan wobbles around before settling and giving the weight. I’m wobbling around, before I make my decision nearer the time!

Luv to all of you and night night,
Shelley xxx

PS - I’ve just thought - I might see if there’s any charities for bowel cancer similar to BCC, and see if they have a buddy system like I’ve heard BCC has. If so, I may talk more to Mum and Dad how worried I am going away and leaving them for two weeks, and see if they’d be interested in a buddy if there’s a bowel cancer one available.

11

Dear Shelley,
I have not been in the same situation but similar. I had gone on holiday to join my husband on the other side of the world, where he was working, not long after my Dad had been ill but had recovered. Apparently a few days after I went (communications very bad anyway, pre mobiles and texting days) he ended up in hospital again, far away brother summoned by nearby brother and as they were standing by his bed, thinking he was totally confused and out of it, he opened his eyes and said “Whatever you do, don’t let Lavender know, she is to stay and enjoy that holiday”!
What does your Mum think? If she is in favour of you going too, I think that’s a big help.
Unhook yourself from worrying for a while and decide nearer the time?
Signed another worrier

12

Oh Lavender, thank you so much! Yes, you are right and I’m going to leave this till nearer the time. Also, what you say about your brothers at your Dad’s bedside - that’s just what my Dad would say, and Mum’s wanting me to go as well. They’ve been where I’m going, and along with my friend, have said how beautiful and special it is out there. I’m just so lucky to have the chance to go there, and your post, along with the others, has brought back the “looking forward to it” feelings again, and the guilt I’ve been feeling has disappeared somehow.

Thankyou for signing yourself “another worrier” - you’ve just reassured me so much!!

With much love to you Lavender, and to everyone else too!
Shelley xxx

13

shelley why do you put yourself down ? everyone is beautifull… exactly the same as everyone has an ugly side, what does it matter what everyone else thinks ?
you should still plan to go on this holiday, its what you,
your friend and most importantly what your dad wants,
dont put yourself down shelley, with some of the money your dad gave you… get a good camera… that way your dad can feel like he has been on your adventure with you…its a once in a lifetime trip and you deserve it,grab it with both hands,and if you insist on water rafting etc, grab it with both hands, and both feet xxx

14

I agree Shelley, i think u should go if that’s what u want. This is a once in a lifetime experience. U need to do what’s right for u & not worry about what other people think, it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. U deserve a holiday, you’ve been through so much & u need a break, it’ll do u the world of good. Yes u will worry but im sure ur dad won’t want u to forfeit this chance. I was only diagnosed a month ago & my 20 yr old son was going on holiday with 2 mates on the day of my surgery. Bad timing or what. He said he would cancel the holiday but i wasn’t going to let him do that. To me it was more important for him to go & have a good time & he rang everyday to see how i was. My results weren’t as good as expected either but i didn’t tell him till he got home.
And i agree with Angiem, pls don’t put yourself down.
Keep us posted with what u decide to do, love Heather x

15

Hi Shelley.

I am so looking forward to hearing about your holiday of a lifetime, because I am sure you will be going.

You need the time to re-charge and ‘be there’ for your Dad after the surgery and during his Chemo.

Most surgery is safe nowadays and it is the aftermath that needs care.

I am in a different boat from the others whose loved ones left during their surgery. My only daughter lives in Scotland, I found my lump on her birthday this year, at no time would I consider dragging her down here to visit. I tried to get up there myself at Easter, but couldn’t get. So, treatment allowing, I’m hoping to go up during the summer.

Instead we phone regularly, she has talked about my cancer to so many of her colleagues that they started thinking it was her. I’ve sent pictures of the scar, we discussed my cellulitis pictures.

Our children have their own lives to live.

As long as you can talk regularly and honestly and know that you have ALL the facts (and the gore) you will still be part of the healing process.

Good Luck and &lt;&lt;<hugs><br>
June</hugs>

16

Shelley, what a completely crap few years you and your family have had, who deserves all of that!

Lots of people have said lots of really sensible things here, so I’ll add my two penn’orth. Think back to your own experiences with surgery and chemo and think when you felt most in need of having people around. For me the surgery wasn’t the worst bit (though I only had WLE and not major surgery like your dad), and after a couple of days of looking after myself from then on I just gradually got better every day. It was the chemo time when I felt like I could have done with the extra support, and by the time your dad starts his chemo you’ll be back, refreshed, recharged and raring to go. If you put off your holiday, when would you put it off TO? Your parents will need your support more during chemo than during recovery from surgery (assuming it all goes smoothly of course) so I would say now’s the best time to go.

On top of that, don’t you remember how BORING cancer is? I’m sure your parents will really appreciate having something “not cancer” to talk about with you. I certainly found it (find it) really tedious having nothing else for a conversation than cancer, I’m bored bored bored with it as a topic of conversation and would love to have someone’s fabulous holiday to talk about - this holiday will be good for THEM as well as for you.

Clearly you’re going to want to see how his surgery goes before you make your final decision, but I think if you assume it all goes as planned you should be getting your cases packed.

As for insurance, it wouldn’t do you any harm to give your insurance company a ring to check exactly what circumstances they WOULD pay up. As I see it, cancer IS a critical illness!

Good luck to your dad for his op, and I hope you get the chance to have an extremely well-earned break. I know you want to “be there” for your dad, but you’ve ALSO had cancer and YOU need to have a bit of recovery so you can be as strong as possible for supporting your mum and dad.

I think you sound like a lovely, caring daughter, and can’t imagine anyone who knows what you’ve been through thinking you shouldn’t go, so don’t worry about anyone else’s reactions, your imagination is miles worse than the reality of what people might think or say.

17

Oh thankyou to you all - when I came through to the computer , and saw these lovely, sensible and caring comments… well I was feeling a bit down when I woke up this morning, but now I feel ten feet tall, because your comments all make such good sense. I’ve been feeling so guilty for still wanting the holiday if poss. Yes, cancer is boring and I’ll have something to tell my parents about when I come back - they’ve visited the area I’m going, but havent stayed there or seen as much of there as I will. So, it’ll be nice to compare notes on the country with them afterwards. And yes, I can take photos and video footage to show them, and phone them every day.

Thankyou so much to all of you for your replies - I’ll let you know what I decide nearer the time, but I can tell you - if Dad’s ok enough then I’m going. The nice thing is that this time he’s had no symptoms - what I mean is the previous twice, he had awful symptoms and couldn’t eat or keep fluids down, and lost a lot of weight. This time he hasn’t, so he’ll be so much fitter for surgery and chemo too.

CM you’re so right about WHEN would I do the holiday if not. It’s a special holiday, and although my family are more important than a holiday, if I can go, then it’ll give me the boost I really need in order to see through more cancer crap for our family.

I’m not going to do the guilt thing any more folks - I’m going to channel it into more positive stuff such as finding more UK souvenirs to take over there with me for people I meet, deciding what Im going to wear for the long flight over there, and gearing my nerves up for white water rafting. I keep practicing in the bath with the Babyliss bubble spa mattress - hee hee!

Must dash now, otherwise will be late for work. Would have loved to spend more time replying individually to your comments everyone, but thanks so much to angie, hjv123, gypsylady and choccie for your lovely replies when I woke up.

Special hugs to you all!
Shelley xxx

18

Shelley - thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. I know about making tricky decision about holidays as I’d planning a long anticipated to Australia with my son to see my sister since she’s emigrated and I’d never seen her home - well my mother died a couple of months before the much planned trip that had been kindly facilitated by money from my parents. I felt that I could not go but my Dad insisted that we did - even though my sister ended up staying in Uk with Dad and we had to stay in her house in Canberra without her we had a marvelous time touring around and meeting her friends etc. Since then I’ve been diagnosed with secondary bc so don’t know when I’ll next get to Oz - so am so glad I was encouraged to seize the opportunity … hope you find as way to make the best decision for you since you have sooo many fab plans that your family would want you to enjoy after everything you have been through.
thoughts are with you
Fran

19

I am not sure what to say, that all the others haven’t said!I can sympathise in that my gran and Mum had BC and my dad had 2 major op’s in 1 month 2 years ago ( he was on life support at 70 and we nearly lost him!) I too am on my second fight with BC, first one some years ago I had chemo then, and almost through chemo now. I am writing as a MUm with cancer as I have 2 children aged 7& 9 a boy and girl, we planned to take them to Florida, we booked it last year before my new dx, it is our holiday of a lifetime!! we have saved long and hard for this,for 3 years and my children have never been on a holiday ( unless you count to weekends camping by the seaside) I was more devastaed in some ways that my new dx meant that my babies would not get to go to disney in Florida and my boy (the 9 yr old) is autistic and I cried endlessly at the fact the I was dissapointing them …I know it’s not my fault but I felt it was ??? because as the parent I REALLY wanted them to have that ‘holiday of a lifetime’ so as a parent I am saying to you honey pie …if your Dad wants you to go, think of the joy he will get from knowing that his baby is out there having the time of her life…despite what’s happening to him. I am sure you will weigh things carefully but PLEASE don’t feel guilty!! And choccie is right you will be able to share that with them it will be like a holiday through your eyes! I suggest you get your friend to take the most beautiful photos and then pick one you are happy with , put it in a lovely frame and your parents will cherish it… I know I would!!!

Love to you I hope my daughter grows up to be as caring and loyal as you.

I hope your Dad gets on ok, your holiday snaps will distract him during his ‘chemo days’

Oh and by the way, after 2 op’s and some serious tantrums to get a quick start with chemo ( I am having it before the mx + rads, which I will have at the end of the summer) I have my last TAX next Mon (aug 1st) and all being well it will happen on time with no problems… if so after all, me my OH and my babies will fly to Florida Sept…cant wait!!! XXX Jeanette xxx

20

Hello Everyone,

Oh Fran, I’m sorry your Mum died - it must have been a horrible time for you all, and I’m really glad you still got to Canberra, and to meet all your sister’s friends. It’s such a shame she couldn’t have been there with you, but it must have been lovely to at least still meet her friends and stay in her house. Your Dad sounds really special, and I’m so glad he persuaded you to go out there to Canberra. My parents are so independent, and have never “leaned on me” or anything. It was just typical of them both to say they wanted me to still go on the holiday.

I guess that because Dad’s had his 3rd cancer occurrence in two years, it’s really brought it home to me about how cancer can return at any time. I want to make the most of my life, but not at the expense of not being there for people who are so important to me. I love your phrase “seize the opportunity”, and Im going to do just that. My breast care team feel that cos I’ve had two early stage cancers, I’ve got a normal life expectancy. Well, I hope I have, but they cant guarantee it, and they told me after my first early stage cancer that the fact it was DCIS high grade was insignificant, and they didnt feel it would recur as a “higher grade”. Well, it might not have done so, but I did get a second primary. Who’s to know that I may or may not have another bc event. I’m not feeling guilty now about my holiday now, and unless Dad is really poorly afterwards, I’ll be flying on my holiday in early September, and “seizing my opportunity”.

Fran honey, I really hope you get to go to Oz again in the not too distant future, and thankyou so much for sharing here with me, and with us all!

A big hug from me!

Lots of luv,
Shelley xxx