Well said Tors.
I do hate the aggression that surfaces here sometimes.
I too have found the strength to read the good and the bad and make my own mind up.
I find it quite difficult to read criticism of posters mentioning stats relating to secondaries when they are doing so on a thread which is clearly marked “secondary cancer”, on a board which is clearly marked “secondary breast cancer”. It’s not as if this information has been posted on the “newly diagnosed” threads!
When I was first diagnosed with primary BC, nearly ten years ago, I stayed away from the secondary threads precisely because I knew I wasn’t in a place where I could cope with them. I would certainly never have read those threads, then complained about the posters because I didn’t like the facts!!! Those of us with secondaries have precious little support for our situation as it is and we have to be able to use this secondaries space for ourselves and our needs without having to worry about possibly offending those with primary BC who may not like what we have to say about our reality.
I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to compose a post for this thread. Thankfully Angelfalls’ post describes exactly the way I feel.
Thank you Angelfalls, that’s a really helpful post! Like Tors I am a little reluctant to join in a debate that seems to have become a little heated. The dangers of the written word!
I am lucky enough to be NED after a Stage 3a primary diagnosis two years ago. My team were honest from day one saying they were “treating with curative intent” but that “there are no guarantees” and I have known ‘my’ stats from the outset (not brilliant, but so far so good). Like pretty much everyone who has posted on this thread, I have lost friends to secondary breast cancer, AND I have found support and encouragement from those for whom it is daily life. I do feel we have to take responsibility for what we read (I would never have come near these threads in the early days) as well as what we write. Truth is, as I see it, breast cancer messes with our minds and we are all vulnerable. Because we are each unique, our coping methods reflect that, and what works for one won’t suit another, and maybe that is why some of the ‘heat’ gets generated as these outlooks collide?
Perhaps when we browse the Latest Posts we need to do so aware that not everything we find is going to be easy to read.
I don’t want to belittle people’s views or make light of disagreement and emotions raised by this conversation, but maybe it’s a time for a metaphorical group hug and move on? And genuine apologies to anyone that suggestion offends or annoys.
Wise words as ever Revcat…I thought all us ladies on these forums…or is it threads…were all in this together as it were…Lemongrove gives us all good information and it is only realistic that we are all going to have a different point of view…what I can say for me personally…is…knowledge is power…if anyone knows what they are on about…it’s ladies who have experience of whatever stage cancer they have…does that make sense…the one thing that my cancer experience has taught me is…life…however long or short it is going to be…is too short for bad feeling…arguing or falling out…we are not children in a playground…we are all grown ladies and are all going to have a different opinion…no one has to withdraw from the forums because of bad feeling…I do not consider myself a survivor…I haven’t been to Afghnistan…I have been ill…an illness…that this time I am recovering from…and whilst I am aware it may return…I do not worry everyday…as ST says…and I know some ladies don’t agree…I live in the present…tomorrow can…in the words of Bernie Nolan…get stuffed…Revcat…gather everyone together for the group hug…and the same for me as well…apologies in advance if I have offended anyone…
If individuals want to regard themselves as cured, and it helps them to move forward without fear thats fine by me. But when the press and media use words like cured, beaten, overcome, I personally believe it is very damaging because this generates complacency, and reduces the reality of cancer. Yes, we all know that BC is not the only awful thing in this world, but it does kill 13,000 people per year in the UK alone, and cancer in general effects many people, so it should be further up the political agenda.
The reality of cancer is awful, and when I read about another life lost on here (particularly when it involves people I have met in person, or have been in contat with privately), it makes me desperately sad (and if I’m honest it also scares me ). But the horror of BC cannot and should not be airbrushed.
When I was first diagnosed with secondary BC (which I had from the off), the news was not delivered in the most sensitive way. In fact people who have been visiting this forum for a few years (like Dawn, Scottishlass, Belinda, and Mrs Blue), will know my consultation was more a baptism of fire, than diagnosis. But looking back on it now, my then Onc he did me a favour, because I now realise the main challenge of having BC is coming to terms with the facts and learning to live and enjoy a new life - and that is possible. I now meet with a group secondary ladies to have lunch, ad you wouldn’t believe how much fun and laughter we have.
How I agree with Angelfalls when she states that secondary ladies have little support as it is without feeling as though our secondary post is being hijacked by people not liking certain statistics. Surely,on this forum, we are all singing from the same hymn sheet or else why are we posting here? I AM one of the 40% living with secondaries and doing it as positively as I can and appreciating life so much more because maybe it is going to be shorter than I would want it to be but, hey who knows! What I do know is that without the secondary thread, which I only started reading when diagnosed with secondaries, I would have felt very alone, scared and indeed bitter about my diagnosis. The positivity amongst the secondary ladies here is heartening but maybe our feelings and thoughts can only really be understood by those of us in the same situation.
As Lucinda points out, I too will get on with my fight quietly and with dignity, not because I am brave, but because life is so precious and worth fighting for, just not amongst ourselves.So, yes please Revcat, a cyber group hug would be very much appreciated.
Angelfalls - well written.
I was secondary from the start in July 07 and didn’t even visit this site until after chemo. Even then I only looked at primary threads to start with. Think it was probably to do with the fact I was still having treatment and had a load of other things to deal with at the time.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and how much they want to know - now I want to know everything and get copies of reports, docs letters etc - but we have to accept when we click to read a thread that we may not like what we read but that doesn’t mean we should criticise the writer. This disease is evil by nature and discussions about any aspect of it can turn into an experience where we encounter unpleasant facts. We should all be adult enough to recognise this. Does this make sense!!!
Liz
I was dx with secondary cancer from day one (no sign of a primary) so never had the luxury of not wanting to find out facts.I have always been told it is incurable but treatable and my onc team have always said the hope is I will die of something other than bc.I have always been upset by all the press coverage and flippant “it was only a year out of my life” comments.I am sorry if those of you with primaries are upset by the facts of bc but it makes no difference whether we are primary or secondary we all have the same aims,to live every day normally,to enjoy life and to hope nothing progresses any further.
I am sorry to say this,and I am sorry Bernie Nolan has been dx with secondaries and hope her treatment goes well,but my first reaction to the article was welcome to my world.Yes she was brave to come out and tell her story but this is what some of us face every day,have to avoid arckward questiions and decide if we want to share or keep it to ourselves,have to deal with the sympathy look and the fact that after telling someone they avoid us.I am pleased Bernie is getting on with her life,I am pleased her fans have given her support but please remember there are lots of ladies out there just quietly getting on with their lives.We are not brave,we are not fighting bc,we are just getting on with what life has dealt us because we have no choice.We are all hanging in there waiting for someone to tell “there is a cure”.I can only hope it happens in my lifetime.
I am sorry if my view upsets anyone.
L xx
I don’t think Bernie every said she was cured, it was the media hype around her. Noone more than her knows the darkest times of BC as two of her sisters have all been and got the t shirt. I can remember seeing her on GMTV looking great and she gave me some inspiration and I wasn’t offended by her saying it was just a year in her life, in fact if anything I found it encouraging that she had come through this as I was at the start of my journey. Reading these comment above make me think some of you are way too sensitive, everyone is entitled to their opinion and if you don’t like it or find it offensive then stop reading it and move on! Life is for living and for every problem you have you can find someone else in this world who has a bigger one. I suggest you all go and watch Pride of Britain tonight and stop to look at some of these amazing people for inspiration.
I don’t think Bernie every said she was cured, it was the media hype around her. Noone more than her knows the darkest times of BC as two of her sisters have all been and got the t shirt. I can remember seeing her on GMTV looking great and she gave me some inspiration and I wasn’t offended by her saying it was just a year in her life, in fact if anything I found it encouraging that she had come through this as I was at the start of my journey. Reading these comment above make me think some of you are way too sensitive, everyone is entitled to their opinion and if you don’t like it or find it offensive then stop reading it and move on! Life is for living and for every problem you have you can find someone else in this world who has a bigger one. I suggest you all go and watch Pride of Britain tonight and stop to look at some of these amazing people for inspiration.
I’m not offended by anything anyone has said on this thread and I totally take responsibility for what I choose to read on these boards. But to be honest it has made me have a very rare weep as I don’t like to think we’re at odds with each other whether we have a primary or secondary diagnosis. At the end of the day we all have bc and we all need to work together and support each other and lobby for better treatments for all of us. So am joining with Revcat in a lovely virtual group hug xx
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Carrie everyone is entiltled to their own opinion, and the same applies here if you dont like it or find it offensive then stop reading it and moive on! I think it is extreamly offensive and insensitive what you have just written regarding the feelings of the secondry ladies on this forum , you and i are lucky enough not to be living their life (yet) ,so if you or anyone else on this forum wants inspiration then you need to look no further than them! Sugar coating breast cancer nomatter how unpalatable is wrong ,it makes light of this god damn awfull desease which kills 1 person every 15 mins in the US and 1 person in 30 mins in the UK.
Am appalled at your insensitive comments!
i agree I am sure no one wants to ‘offend’ anyone thats not the purpose of these boards - we all have our views and these forums allow us to say what we feel. We should be allowed to agree or disagree with others as long as long as its not personal and disrespectful i see no problem 
I’m a secondary lady, who knew from early after my primary diagnosis that I had a poor prognosis - 15/25 nodes even if only stage 2 gave me that, as an uncaring oncology psychologist told me - but enough of her … All I can say to the primary ladies on this thread is it is a very different world out there when you’re secondary. Before this, I thought I had slight hope it wouldn’t actually come back. When it did I was devastated. to be told you’re treatable - for now - but we can’t cure you puts you in a different world. I didn’t really realise this til I went to a lunch with 7 others ladies, 6 of whom were primary and in various stages of treatment. Lovely ladies, and I wish them all well, but listening to them talking about treatment and how many days weeks til it was over and they could start living again - I’ve been there but things are different now - my thoughts and outlook are less rosey now, even tho I do try to enjoy each and every one of my days.
Like Lizcat early in the thread, I selfishly hope Bernie can use her status to publicise more the fact secondary cancner is alive and kicking out there, and get it in the public domain that while treatments have improved and most primary ladies will live long and happy lives, a few of them won’t, and will sucumb to secondaries and all that entails.
Nina
Lemongrove and Lucinda, your posts say it all.
I said I was going to back away from this thread, but just wanted to say that I am sorry for butting in on a thread that is posted on the living with secondaries area. I really have no reason to be here and hope I never do. But it is a comforting thought that there are some very strong ladies in here if I ever need to join this group.
I have read this thread for the last couple of days without contributing and it has shown both sides of the BC coin. Those with primaries mainly don’t want to know some of the harsh facts that us ladies with secondaries actually have to live with - I know I certainly didn’t want to know these things 9 years ago. They would have scared me witless and I understand why some comments have been made. However for us secondary ladies, Bernie Nolan included, we are living with these facts and are of course part of those statistics. Having said that I hope that we can help primary ladies to realise that there is life after that dreadful diagnosis and many of us are living well, pain free and enjoying ourselves despite being secondary ladies. And, Supertrouper, never apologise for reading and posting on a secondary part of the forum - just don’t actually join us, none of us want to be here 
Back to the main point of the thread though, I hope the treatment Bernie Nolan is now getting work well for her and that all the publicity about her diagnosis does raise awareness of secondary BC.
Well, Nicky, I haven’t got secondaries either, but I don’t want to be lulled into a sense of false security. I don’t actually look at which section I’m reading, I tend to go for the latest posts. It worries me too if the papers keep saying people are cured. It not only encourages people i false ideas about breast cancer, it also supports the widely-held view that when OP, chemo and radiotherapy are over, you’re back to perfect health.
I wish all ladies with secondaries all the best.