Bitter and twisted...not me!!

I went to the Beatson today…what lovely people. Glasgow’s answer to the Marsdon. Fantastic.

On the way out I was handed a magazine called ‘vita’ first page I opened was a picture of a lovely couple sitting on a fancy shmancy liner…obviously in the hot sunshine after diving…all wet and brown an healthy.

Ive not read the whole article. but I presume they have taken time out to have the holiday of a lifetime.

“Paula Polley” 47 has concentrated on the things that are important"
spending time with her husband…and getting her golf handicap down.

Just what I want to hear…and look at.

If it was me in the article it would read…yes…Maggie…who has just spent 3 miserable years in a seedy college…sold her beloved house to start a business by herself…with absolutely NO backup whatsoever from anyone…living in a cheezy flat…struggled to pay bills…then when…and the only…time in her life…when she could see a tiny wee light at the end of a 5 year struggle…gets cancer.

Today…Maggie is relishing in the fact that all she has to eat in the cupboard is porridge…not only for her…but her dog.

She faces financial ruin…but hey it could be worse !!!

Had a meeting with a clinical phycologist today…ready to throw the towel in.

Everyone seems to have so much backup…Im quite miserable tonight.
Can’t see a way out.

oh woodlark -I am so sorry - don’t know what your circs are but just wanted to offer some comfort xx

Oh Maggie, I so agree with you. I have only just found out about Vita and received a copy last week. All I can say is, most of what was there I didn’t relate to. Having said that, I think EVERY woman’s experience of bc is individual and as such is entitled to be aired. But there wasn’t much there that related to my own experience and that of others on here (having read their comments and views). Who can blame you for feeling how you do? It sounds like you’ve had a marathon of a last 5 years and this is the last straw. I just hope things improve for you. The forums are here to offer support and info. Financial help is also available I think, from Macmillan. You’ve struggled so if there’s any help, financial or otherwise, on offer you should seek it. Hope I haven’t been insensitive, Pat x


At least you have porridge!

Seriously, there is a way out - there always is. A positive way out.

Most of us here are survivors of cancer. Life does go on - but it hits you like a bomb at the beginning - but most of us come out the other side - and stronger.

Think of your dog. He needs you. Dogs are faithful friends.

(I love animals. I have a dog at the moment who is trying to recover from a road accident. She has recently just had two four hour operations and I don’t know yet whether she is going to lose her leg - or worse.)

If financially you need support - there must be places you can go to for help.

If you need emotional support - breast cancer support groups are a good place to start if there is one near you.

And there is this site - which is wonderful for support - day and night.

You will come out of all this. XXXXXX

thank you…but so tired with these dreadful feelings of despair.

Im ok…just get overwhelmed with everything.

Would be ok if i had someone to talk too.

Dear Christiane

I am dying of advanced cancer. I really don’t want to die. I wonder if you could enlighten me on the best way find a way out of dying.



we’re here,if that’s a help

Jane - can see your point, but perhaps a little bit of a harsh response

Dear Woodlark, I have no words of wonder or a magic wand to wave. I just read your posts and wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I wish I could do something practical to help you. Life can be rubbish and sometimes it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I live on my own too and know how hard it can be.

You say you are ready to throw the towel in. I don’t know if it will help, or indeed if it is appropriate but there is always the Samaritans if you are desperate to talk. I hope I don’t offend you by suggesting that, Please forgive me if I hit the wrong note… I often do…

Wish I could really help. Keep posting on here, at least you can vent your feelings.

Sheila xx

Maggie, Hi just read your post on storm riders thread. Are you waiting to start chemo? When do you start? Are you worried about that in particular?


Jane’s post was refreshingly honest…a very large number of us use the Secondaries forum.
Woodlark do keep in touch here…and I’m really sorry you are having such a cr*p time. x

Chemo at this moment seems so far from reality…its just another hurdle o get over

Just years of cr*p.

Maggie, I do hope you get some peace of mind this evening. I am going for my second chemo (Epi) tomorrow. I was so resentful of having to go through this but the anticipation, even fear, is so much worse than the reality. It really is doable…

Keep posting

Sheila xx

Hi Maggie,

Sorry you’re struggling at the moment, I’ve not been feeling so grand myself this week but I am coming round a bit now. This is tough and is very much a rollercoaster. I haven’t got a great support network either and it’s tough being a single parent to two boys, I take help if I am offered.

I’m thinking of you and hope we can meet up at maggie’s sometime and have a chat.

Big Hugs
Fiona. Xxxx

I agree with those people who take umbrage with unbearably cheerful mags. A colleague at work told me my life could be worse, at least I had n’t lost a leg so my mobility was n’t affected!!! Obviously losing a breast is n’t that bad then. And living with the risk of a life threatening disease coming back is n’t that bad then. Jane Ra, get on girl!! If any of us feel p++d off and will not look on the “bright” side, then I think we have every right because we’ve been dealt a pretty crumby hand in life to put it mildly. I can’t stand talk of the cancer “journey” and being told I’m “brave”. No I’m not!!! I’ve been treated for a disease that I did n’t have a choice about. Things could be worse…in what way??? I don’t think I get bitter and twisted or that anyone else does. I think I get angry at times with the hand I’ve been dealt. And I will not dress up my feelings to make other people feel more comfortable. Sometimes life sucks, full stop.

Thank you for the response…JaneRA I cannot imagine your feelings of despair, mine?..well they pale into insignificance.

For all the rest of you lovely ladies…Im just down…Ive had down days before…I try so hard to be upbeat as I live for laughing and giggling.
I make jokes to everyone about losing my business, my home, my hair…godknows I keep making jokes about losing my hair…least of my worries.

Im just fed up…fed up with it all.

Fiona…you have more to cope with than me, hopefully we will meet at the Maggie’s, promise I will be upbeat and make you laugh.

Thank you for tonite…I promise I will answer my private messages tomorrow…got a face like a ‘well skelp ass’ tonite. And eye’s like dogs doo dah’s :slight_smile:

Im sure we have all had a wee meltdown at some point…tonight was mine.

Sorry girls

Maggie xxx

ps…Geraldine…a bloke at my work had his leg amputated the same week I had my bits and pieces removed from my breast…my heart went out to him.

Found out he was more worried about me.

strange old world we live in.

Hey Maggie

No sorries - none necessary. You need to be able to rant/spit bile & venom every so often (not at the dog please!). Best to do it here among friends who have also been through some serious sh*t in their lives - Joe Bloggs may just think you’re bonkers! I’ve tried to send you a message but my computer doesn’t want to play (also ‘kicked off’ my last 2 posts so have had to re-write - could be this site!)

I’m glad that you have your dog and hope he/she and you are able to comfort each other. I’ve been through some pretty hairy times and had my 2 beautiful ‘angels’ with me which pretty much saved me at times. I’d give anything - anything - to have them back in my life.

Jane - wish I could say something of use but can only send love and support although that seems so bl**dy inadequate x

Lots of love to everyone. xx