Hi
These are some of the books mentioned and a few more which may be useful for parents. We are getting the information written for the secondary section of the new website and this will include resources for parents and children, but thought it worth posting these now. Also do let us know any books or resources you come across that you think would be useful to share!
Books for parents or carers
Talking to children when an adult has cancer Cancerlink/Macmillan Cancer Relief. 2004
This explains how to start talking to children about cancer and the reactions and questions they may respond with. It gives very clear explanations about approaching dying with children and involving them at their pace. Available from Macmillan Cancerline 0808 808 2020
As big as it gets; supporting a child when a parent is seriously ill. Winstons Wish. 2007
This book covers each stage of a diagnosis from treatment to what happens when recovery is unlikely in a truthful and supportive way. It deals with all ages and how they may need information like a jigsaw or small pieces, but each age will be different. It provides examples of what to say and encourages you to rehearse so the words you use, are understood by a child. It also tries to prepare you for what your own or children reactions could be and provides some very useful practical activities that you can do.
This book is available from the online shop at www.winstonswish.org.uk/default.asp or from the Channel 4 website www.channel4.com/health/microsites/M/mummy_diaries/as-big-as-it-gets.pdf
What do I tell the Children? A guide for a parent with cancer. Cancerbackup 2003
This is aimed at sharing information about your illness with children of different ages. It explains in a very clear way how to start explaining and answering questions when you may not recover from the cancer. Available from Cancerbackup 020 7739 2280 or Freephone 0808 800 1234
Best wishes
Maria
Clinical Nurse specilaist- Secondary breast cancer
Hi,
here are some books for Children
The Secret C: Straight talking about cancer. Julie Stokes. Winston’s Wish/Macmillan Cancer Support. 2000
The text explains the different aspects of cancer in a really accessible way that keeps the message firmly related to the child’s perspective. The pictures and speech bubbles allow children to add their own perspectives which is really useful when reading to a pre-school or non-reading child as it can open up discussion. I particularly like the emphasis on the importance of having fun, and the suggestions which leads the child to consider the support they might find outside the family as well as within, such as best friends, teachers or nurse.
Missing Mum by Paediatric Aids Resource Centre. Edinburgh 1996
This short story follows the story of a young girl called Lucy. It is concise, easy to understand and aimed at children aged from 4 to 10 who have a permanently sick mother. There are opportunities throughout the book for the child either on their own, or with a parent or carer to explore with pictures and words how they feel when their mum is in hospital, what their fears are and who takes care of them. This book is available through the resources shop at www.barnardos.org.uk/resources
When your mum or dad has cancer. Ann Couldrick.Sobell Publications 2003
This is a useful booklet for younger children (7+) to teenage children. It has an introduction for parents but then simply explains about cancer in a way children can relate to. It also covers many questions children ask such as will the person die and what exactly happens, but tackles the answers with insight and honesty.
The huge bag of worries. Virginia Ironside.Hodder Wayland.1998
A fiction book suitable for all children up to teenage years as it can be read by grown ups to non-readers and with free readers. It is an excellent book with illustrations which are as powerful as the written word. The book is not about cancer or health related issues and so can be used a trigger to discussion with children about anything which may be worrying them.
No matter what. Debi Gliori Bloomsbury. 2005
A general childrens board book for very young children simply explaining unconditional love.
Regards
Maria Leadbeater
Clinical Nurse Specialist-secondary breast cancer
What I would really really like help with is how to keep the subject of breast cancer open after treatment has finished, when one has 2 teenage boys who barely talk to their mother at all and the last thing they want to even think about is their mother’s breasts. They think I had a disease, I had treatment, now I’m okay, back to normal, and anyway they have their own lives to get on with, their own selves to establish, exams, yadda yadda - which is fine, maintaining normality is what it’s about and I do not want them anxious. But, on the other hand, there is this THING in my life, in my mind, which is now my private matter, my secret, my burden, which somehow never comes up, never comes into conversations - and like that I feel a distance, a barrier, between me and other people, and particularly between me and my family, me and my children. How do I talk about it, mention it, without causing anxiety and heartache? Or, is it best left?
May I offer an opinion?No one but you really knows your sons.I have a son and 2 stepsons,older than yours but certainly remember their teenage years,I think it is fine,even necessary for you to be able to talk about your cancer to your friends and other family but maybe your boys are not the ones to talk to.I am sure they are aware of ‘the elephant in the room’ but need to be allowed to get on with their own stuff for now in order to function normally.Your illness will be in their minds but as you say its not their mothers breasts that teenage boys are interested in!Any critical illness is a lonely business I’m afraid.Vxx
My 3 children are a bit older but my son who is 23 still finds it a subject he’d rather not discuss. I have liver mets and my 2 girls will have very open discussions with me but he has described it as needing to put it in a box in his head and he will open that box only when he has to. As a result I don’t try to talk to him in detail about how things are with me but I do keep him informed in more general terms about my treatment etc.
I have accepted I think that they are all different and need to deal with this in their own individual ways. As Horace says, your illness, snowwhite, will be on your sons’ minds but they will be hoping that it is over and done with. I think at their age they will in fact assume it is over and done with however much you tell them it might not be. My youngest 2 certainly were like that after the primary dx 6 years ago when they were both teenagers. That made me feel very distanced from them at times as they didn’t empathise at all with my concerns around check ups etc. Being faced with your own mortality is an experience that I think is difficult for any others to fully understand, let alone teenage children.
So my suggestion would be to find others who can offer you support and discuss your concerns , mention your check ups etc in a matter of fact way but let them focus on what they need to at this stage of their lives with their youthful optimism that they have, that all will be ok in the end.
K xx
Hi All
I found a brilliant book which I used when I was going through treatment to explain things to my 2 year old, it is called:
‘Mom and the Polka-Dot Boo-Boo’
A gentle story explaining breast cancer to a young child
by Eileen Sutherland
Highly recommended as has lovely pictures and you can read it to suit your own circumstances.
Hannah
x
Bit late I know but thanks Kay and horace (wasn’t he a Roman poet?) - I think you are right and will certainly not burden my boys. I get a lot of support from here.