Can not seem to move on.........

I was dx September 28 2012, I felt like I had been winded.
I have focused on treatment and now it is coming to an end I feel I am back to where I was when I was first told I had cancer.
I am so angry all the time, so short with the people close to me, seem to be in such a dark place I just can not see it getting any better. I am at a total loss as to how on earth am I meant to get passed this and move on. I am losing site of the light at the end of the tunnel and very scared.

Hi Sonja

I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low, you may find it helps to talk to one of our helpliners as they can support you and can speak to you about further support from BCC which you may find helpful

I am posting a link to the BCC ‘Moving forward’ information page where you will find information and support ideas which may be useful to you at the moment:\_source=Homepage&%3Butm\_medium=help\_you&%3Butm\_campaign=moving\_forward

Helpline 0808 800 6000, open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2

Take care


Hi Sonja,
You are not alone!! It is very well recognised that the end of treatment is one of the most difficult times. Everyone expects you to be delighted it’s “all finished” and “back to normal”. We all know it’s not like that. You have been through the most horrendous experience and it is not just a matter of clicking your fingers and feeling better.
There is a book I found helpful: The Cancer Survivor’s Companion, by Frances Goodhart and Lucy Atkins.
There is also an article by a pyschologist which is often referenced on this forum that is very good. I will try and find the link and post it.
Have you had a chat with your GP about how you are feeling? Is there a Maggies centre or similar at your hospital? The BCC package “Moving Foward” is helpful.There is lots of support out there, please seek it out and keep posting on here. Very many of us know exactly how you feel, and I promise you it does get better. Give it time and be kind to yourself.

Take Care X

This is the article I mentioned.

Hi Catseye,
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I feel so down everyone is telling me nearly finished, bet you can’t wait for all the treatment to come to an end? To be honest I don’t want it to end, for as long as I am having treatment I am fighting the cancer, when its finished I am just a sitting duck, waiting for it to come get me.
I have been reading the posts on here that are do positive and just can not see ever being positive about the whole cancer experience. I hate who I have become. I don’t think I want to learn to live with a new me because to be fair she is depressing and hard work.
So sorry to be so dark but I don’t know where else to go, I just want it all to stop.

Hi Sonja,
I too have struggled, dx Nov 12. Suggest talking to your bc nurse about psychological support available in your area, or approach Macmillan or a local cancer support group directly. I’ve managed to find counselling provided by qualified volunteers, used to dealing with the cancer journey, though mine.
Good luck, you’re not alone.

Hi Catseye
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have had a look at the info you have provided. I just feel so far out of my depth.

Hi SP,
I have found what seems to be a really good suport group, was not able to stay long as had to go for radiotherapy, they meet once a month. I am also under the hospital having counselling and it does help and I walk out the room feeling right thats it now I will take it in hand and sort myself out. I get home and close the door behind me and the dark cloud takes over, I just want it to stop.

You may be clinically depressed Sonja01
When the body and brain goes through a long period of stress (whith no ultimate end in sight or no going back to what it was like before) all the happy chemicals that keep us feeling somewhat normal are depleted. Anti-depressants are there to kick them back into gear and give you a chance of moving forward.
Im not a pusher for medical help but in my case I had to try something to get from under that black cloud. At the moment the cloud is more grey but it is early days for me in taking the tablets.

Hi all…Sonja you sound as if you’re depressed to me as well…forgive me if you’re not… I was the same as you last year…last treatment was May…busy all the summer with family stuff…sat back in Oct and …WHAM!!!..I hit the floor…I got some excellent advice from ladies on here when I posted…I ended up at my GP…she told me it was like Post Traumatic Distress…we hadn’t been in the army but we had been to war with our bodies…the treatment takes it’s toll…I was prescribed Citalipram which I am still taking and feel somewhat brighter than I did…it’s only a low dose…the upside as well is that it helps with my bl**dy awful flushes…people who say to us"you must be glad the treatment is coming to an end" don’t know the half of it…the chemo for me was my comfort blanket…I was doing something to fight any remaining cancer cells in my body…when it ended I was bereft…my body had to cope on it’s own…but I am taking Tam and that is what I cling to now…my cancer is no longer the first thing I think about in the morning…I hope this helps and that you feel better soon…

Hello Sonja
I have read your thread and did not want to leave without saying anything.
I was DX a while before you (September 2009) but a the end of last year, i felt exactly the same way as you do know.
For me, it was the multiple surgeries which did it and having reonstruction which did not go to plan.
It is VERY early days for you right now Sonja - your body and brain have taken a battering and it is going to take time and patience to rebuild your confidence and identity.
Take all the support which is available to you.
Counselling can be good -it gives you the space to vent your anger and all those suppressed emotions which have been hidden beneath you for so long, while you have been fighting the cancer and having treatment.
The reality is (and it took me a LONG time to realise this) is that you can never go back to who were were exactly, before BC. But you are you with the experiences you have had and given time, the ‘new you’ will make an appearance.
I am still getting used to the new me, years on. Some days are good and cancer does not consume my every waking moment, whilst others are not so good. I am learning to ride the waves of what i call my personal tsumani.
It is a personal journey to to getting to a better place Sonja. Some of us get there quicker than others, depending on what experiences we have had to endure as a result.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER EVENTUALLY Sonja, but please give yourself the space and time to heal.
Naz xx

Thank you all for your replies, I think I will pop along and see my doctor.

Perhaps you could give yourself something to focus on such as planning a holiday, a new you maybe change of wardrobe, hairstyle or get into shape. Join a gym, take up swimming or something wild like salsa dancing that makes you feel alive and celebrates the journey you have come through x

Hi Sonja,
Oh how I know how you feel. I was diagnosed May 2011, had mastectomy/lymph node removal, fertility treatment, chemo, radio - then a hellish ‘break’ (ie back to work - very hard) for 10 months before double reconstruction. Have just had nipple recon two weeks ago, and in three months time will be getting the nipple tattoo to ‘complete’ the surgery. So the journey just goes on and on.
I don’t know your situation with regards to if you had a mastectomy and are considering reconstruction - is that still to come for you? Everybody’s journey is different, but I bet we all come out with the same feelings of hopelessness and depression. Some may only experience this for a week, some for a year, but we all get it - i feel I can say that on behalf of us BC ladies!
I am quite a bit further along than you with treatment being further behind me, and I can guarentee you that as time passes, you do start to come to terms with what has happened. I often feel that nobody understands me, or the way I think anymore. And the only people that do are the ones who have been through it too. The attitude of ‘its all behind you’ and ‘you must be so happy its over’ and ‘how brave of you but you’ve fought it’ - it all comes from a good place, but its just not helpful. Most of the time, you just want someone to say ‘you’ve had a sh"t time haven’t you, is there anything I can do to help?’ - that would actually be of some use to us!! (Yes please, it would be so helpful if you could you cook me a couple of freezer meals, or yes please, would you kindly wash my bed linen - i haven’t the strength to do it this week etc etc).
Even when you are a year down the line, and you’ve got your face on, and your dressed up and going out for lunch with your friends (and yes, I know you probably can’t believe that will happen again, but it WILL - I promise), even then, you sometimes need to have someone acknowledge that you are still a different person than the one you were before. Not worse, not better - just different. And you could do with some support. Don’t be afraid to ask.
What you need is to believe in yourself. Believe that you do have inner strength which will keep getting you through these dark days. You’ve got this far through it haven’t you. That is testiment as to what you can endure. I hope you are talking to someone about it - I still see a cancer specialist clinical psychologist, organised by my Breast Care Nurse. Its only once a month, but I find it invaluable. She really does understand. Speak to your BC Nurses maybe?
The truth is once you’ve had cancer, you cant ‘unhave’ it. It’ll always be there. But you do learn to live with it. Plus, your body has been through the mill, so you are bound to feel terrible right now. It is still such early days for you, I was an absolute mess mentally and physically at the point you’re at now. Believe it or not, I am feeling pretty OK these days. Sometimes I’d even go so far as to say, I’m really on form. So it can happen.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to go through this period and I know, I’ve been there, its bl**dy hard. Its that never ending bucket of patience we are supposed to have, because of that annoying ‘time is a healer’ statement. But you know what, I wouldnt have believed it, but things have brightened up, and the dark days don’t come half as often, and I would say that in the last 6 months I have really begun to enjoy life again. I still have days that drag me down to the pits of desparation, but I wake up the next day, and somehow, just carry on. And, some days are, believe it or not, good. Actually really good. When I was in your shoes, I couldnt even remember what that felt like. But please have faith, in time, you will start to heal, inside and out. Frikkin ‘Time’. Fast Forward button pleasssssseeeee!!!
Incidentally I was on antidepressants and antianxiety drugs all through my treatment, and continue to be on them today. It may not be the right path for you, but I agree that you must talk to your doc and see what they would suggest for you.
I feel like I’m waffling, but want so much to give you a virtual hug and tell you everything will be fine. It won’t be fairytale fine, life is not that kind! But, you will find some light again, you will.
Love Tammy xxxxx

Hi Sonja,

I know what you mean about the “new” you…sometimes hearing this phrase really irritates me. I don’t want a “new” me…I was very happy with the “old” one.
Sadly,however we are stuck with the facts and have to find a way of trying to adjust to them. If you are only just finishing treatment it is still very early days, however I think it is better to try and nip these things in the bud if you possibly can, therefore seeing your GP is very wise. Hopefully he/she will be able to help.

Good luck

PS Tammy wrote her post just as I was writing mine. She has said what I was trying to say…only a lot better. Thank you Tammy

Well said Tammy…you’ve hit the nail right on the head…Sonja…glad you got more replies…chin up…apple…

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. It helps knowing that it does seem to be part of the prosess to recovery. I am so greatful for your time and your experience with BC.

Tammy, what an absolute spot on post - very well said!

Sonja, you ARE going to okay, we promise you that…xxxxx

PS. Forgot to say - about 3 weeks after I’d finished Radiotherapy I went to a Yoga/Relaxation retreat for three days. (initially I was looking at places like The Priory… so you can imagine what my state of mind was - I really do understand how you feel!) Anyway, it was in the countryside, with really good people running the show. I needed to get away from the same four walls of my house which I had spent A LOT of time in (as I’m sure you have too), and do something that gave me some real quality ‘ME’ time, and even though my energy levels were poop, the whole weekend was amazing. It honestly helped me so much. Yes, it wasnt too cheap, so its not really affordable to all, but I’ll put the link up of where I went and you can have a look. And, I’m sure she won’t mind me saying, but to add to the brilliance of this wonderful place, the lady that runs it (the yogo, the meditation etc) also had BC a few years ago so she really understands. Must pre warn you it was a ‘raw food’ retreat, so although very nice, my bowells weren’t that keen!!
I cant sing their praises enough. I really found some small pieces of myself again when I was there. They have a few different retreat weekends so be sure to read up and chose the right one for you. Of course you could live miles and miles away and this wouldnt be suitable for you, but maybe you could find something similar in your area?
I’ve put a link on here with the course I went on.
Virtual hugs. xx

Thank you so much, it really does help to hear other people have felt the same sort of feelings. I have to say its all starting to get too much, my mental health is by far the hardest bit to cope with, and its the one area that the close people around me just don’t get.
once again thank you for taking the time to read and help.