I was informed on Wednesday 24th September that I’ve got breast cancer.
I’m having an MRI on Tuesday 30th to establish how much abnormal tissue there is.
I had the mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy done privately because of how unfortunately slow NHS access has been to get diagnosed. I’ve got an appointment in the NHS on 6th October by which stage the private hospital will have shared the mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy and MRI.
I actually found the lump on 28th August and rang my GP straight away but they couldn’t see me until 11th September. I kept that appointment because I knew I would need to access the NHS for treatment. My GP made the referral right away on 11th September, and she included the information that I had already had a mammogram and ultrasound, and I had a suspicious calcification which needed an urgent biopsy. But it was 17th September before the breast clinic rang me to offer me 6th October for my first appointment. My husband rang the private hospital back and 3 hours later I was in there having the biopsy.
The multi disciplinary team are meeting on Thursday and I’ve been told they will see me on Monday 6th October. That was actually the date that I was given for my first appointment at the one stop breast clinic. If I hadn’t gone private I would only have been starting my journey there and I’d still be in the dark.
I know I’m lucky I’ve been in a position to speed up the diagnostic stage. I’m a terrible worrier which doesn’t bode well for what’s ahead.
I’ve got a rough road ahead of me, and my biggest concern now is how do I tell my 10 year old son? I’m not going to say anything until after I know what the doctors’ plan is for me. But, if anyone has any advice on how to explain it to your child I would be eternally grateful.
Dear Sheraldo, I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the waiting you had to contend with. Whilst i am not a parent myself I wanted to let you know that Breast Cancer Now have a very helpful booklet about talking to children which can be found online. Hopefully, you will soon also receive some replies and support from parents in your situation. You may also wish to call The Breast Cancer Now Someone Like Me Service. I wish you all the very best with your treatment x
My children were older teens when I was diagnosed last year but, like you, I decided not to tell them until I knew what my treatment plan was as I didn’t want them jumping to worst case scenario or to unnecessarily worry them. When I found out I was having a lumpectomy and radiotherapy I used low key language to tell them like “I’ve got cancer, but it’s only a little lump that they’re going to whip it out”, “it’s only small”, “it’s only a little operation, I’ll be in and out in a day”, that kind of thing. I didn’t make a big deal on the days I went for radiotherapy, just said I was “popping out for an hospital appointment”. This wasn’t to hide the truth from them, but I think there is a limit to what children need to know.
You may find that your son has friends whose parents have been through the same or similar which can be reassuring. My daughter took it all on her stride because she’d seen her friend’s mum go through breast cancer a few years ago and be fit and healthy now. x
Hi @sheraldo, I shared a bit about how I told my 9yo and 12yo children in a thread yesterday, and others also shared their experience/advice. I’ll put a link here and hope something may be helpful:
I wish you the very best of luck for your treatment xx
My son’s Nanna (my ex mother in law) had cancer, not breast, but my son knows that the doctors helped her and she’s “back to normal”. So I did think that it might be helpful in the conversation to remind him of that.
I’ll have a good root around the forum as well. It’s very clear I’m not the only person to have found themselves in this situation with no idea on how to navigate it.
Hi Sheraldo, I am in a similar position, went to docs with lump on 26 August, breast clinic fairly clear it was cancer from first scans though not confirmed on paper until 16/9. Just waiting final bits of biopsy (FISH) and MRI for what is IDC ER+PR+ before getting surgery date and treatment plan.
I waited until 10/9 after a work trip to tell my 9yo as I knew she would want me close after finding out. With my husband on hand we had a conversation about what cancer is, explained I was well but would have surgery and medicine that would make me feel bad but was necessary to get me properly well. She asked a few questions about hair loss (and perked up when she realised we might be able to make use of a wig shop we regularly pass) and if I’d only have one boob. There were a few tears but all in all it went well.
You will know what is best for your son but I was glad I told her early on so she had time to take it in before surgery/treatment starts. We also told her teacher and school counsellor, my mum and siblings so she has them to talk too as well if she wants.
@sheraldo - I’m sorry to hear your news. I have a 10 year old daughter and I waited until my biopsy results to tell her. I needed further biopsies which were visible (lymph node) so there was no hiding things. I think her having a good month to prepare for me starting treatment has been helpful. It’s also been helpful for me to have that time where I can speak openly about my diagnosis around her as my family and some school friends are supporting with child care .
I am trying to keep it light and positive with the focus on the treatment is needed to make me better - there will be changes but we will get through them. Being able to explain what will happen has been helpful although I’m going it gradually as I have a long treatment plan of 5 months chemo, mastectomy and node clearance, radio? Hormone and immunotherapy so it will be a good year before we are back to normal - which is a long time for a 10 year old
I’ve just had my ex husband tell me he doesn’t want me to tell our son. His words were, “No good can come of it. It will only worry him. You don’t need to tell him unless you become obviously ill looking.”
I was going to ask my ex-husband if he wanted to be there when I break the news so that our son feels safe, secure and supported.
@sheraldo - no you don’t need this.
I think wait until you find out what your treatment plan is before broaching with your son.
How much parenting does your ex husband do? If you are visibly unwell will he step up and care for your son? If so this may be helpful
Sorry to hear this @sheraldo , it is obviously not your instinct or what general advice is re telling children (though there is no one size fits all). Getting your treatment plan might make clear for your ex that you will be unwell in a way that makes telling your son a necessity. But even a lumpectomy and not being able to have a normal snuggle is something he should want his son to understand. I haven’t got any magic solutions, just wanted to agree you do not need this (additional) shit.
Perhaps you could remind him that your son knew about his nanna’s cancer that surgery and medicine made her well again - so he’s not exactly coming into this with no knowledge at all . Perhaps your ex mother - in- law will support you . I agree you don’t need this xx
I’m so sorry your ex is being so unsupportive. Absolutely the last thing you need.
Children are generally very perceptive and often pick up on non verbal cues about what’s going on with the people they are closest to.
What about if you send an email to your ex with some links to relevant resources about the impact of cancer? And explain that even if you are not visibly ill looking, going through breast cancer treatment can be an enormous mental and emotional strain at times. In my opinion, that would be hard if not impossible to conceal from your son, and the effort of trying to do so would also be an extra strain on you at an already very stressful and upsetting time.
I waited to tell my children until I’d got the MRI results. During the 10 days I was waiting for those, I got increasingly stressed and anxious, struggling to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what my prognosis or treatment plan would be. I found it hard to focus at work and despite my best efforts I was withdrawn and irritable with my kids at times, and got behind on housework. I told them I had a stomach bug to explain it away. But my older son said to me one day, “are you ok? You just don’t seem like yourself”. In that moment, I wished he wasn’t so empathetic! But my point is, your son will know something isn’t right even if you say nothing, and that’s potentially more worrying for him than knowing the truth.
Hopefully one your ex has had time to reflect he will be more open to listening. Do you have any mutual friends who he might listen to?
We share 50/50 custody. We both work in the Fire Service, so the 4 days that I’m on duty my son is with his Dad. And the 4 days that I’m off he’s with me.