Can't see a future

Bit of background - secondary diagnosis Jan 09 and on Xeloda and Herceptin. Age 40 with boys aged 14 and 11.
Normally I’m upbeat but the last few weeks I feel as though I’m living under a big black clud. Keep crying and feel really low.
Know if I didnt have my boys I would not see a future for myself.

Just cant seem to shake off this feeling. Know I wont see my boys become men and feel I lie to them to protect them and their innocence.

Just thought I’d share my post.



I can so empathise with your post. What about ringing the BCC helpline, they are supposed to be very helpful.

I think that this time of the year is awfully hard. The end of the summer seems so much more poignant in our situation. The dark nights feel so much more gloomy.

Did you see a psychologist when you were diagnosed with secondaries ? What about a bc nurse. Even though I have secondaries now, when i was first diagnosed my local hospice was a life saver.I felt they could understand my concerns and the reflexolgy, aromatherapy and acupuncture really helped.

Please do something, ring a good friend or ring the helpline. PM me if you want but I am at work at the moment.

Best Wishes…Julie xxx

Hello Muddy, I have sent you a private message…x

Hi Muddy, I am in a similar situation to yourself. I am 43 and have 2 boys age 10 and 12 and I have mets to my bones and liver. I am on Herceptin, tamoxifen and Bondronat. Have had Chemo and some radio to spine. I have responded realy well to treatment and my tumour marker has fallen dramatically and is staying stable.
I aften think about the future and what I am going to miss with the boys, some times I feel realy positive and confident that I’ll last several years and other times I’m just not too sure. I’ve set myself a target to try to see the youngest reach 18. That means surviving another 8 years, I’m not sure how realistic this is, but I am hopeful. I once read that the only difference between someone with secondaries and someone who doesn’t is that you know what you’re going to die of, not when. I have found reading the postings on here very positive and encouraging. Thank you xxx

Hi Muddy, I’m really sorry that you’re feeling low at the moment, although I can completely empathise with you. I have bone mets, dx June 2008, when my daughter was only 18 months old. I was still breast feeding her and had to stop overnight as I was put on treatment. A shock both to her and to my working boob! Like you, I’m on Herceptin and have responded really well, so that I am now with no active cancer, and I guess that given time my bones will heal.

There have been and still are times when I feel low, especially in the first few months since sec dx and more recently around the 2 years since secondary dx milestone, as I really began to feel like there was a timer ticking counting down the days till death (given the stats). But a recent visit to my oncologist has enabled me to be much more positive and I am now more than just hopeful that I will survive long enough for my daughter to remember me longterm (she is just coming up to four years old). Like crazychic, I am setting my sights on a longer term goal, in our case, it’s seeing my daughter into secondary school. I was initially fearful that I wouldn’t see her into primary school, but she will start that next September, and I have every intention of still being around for that. And in 5 years’ time I’ll be 50, and I want a big party to celebrate. I’ll keep thinking of things I have to live for and look forward to.

I wonder if you have a significant milestone hanging over you? Or another significant date or anniversary that has put you into this depression? Or if you are otherwise under the weather, so that you are more tired than usual, or not in such good health and that is impacting on your mental state. You say that you are ‘normally upbeat’, and so I hope that you can get yourself back onto an even keel and begin to feel more positive again. Of course I wouldn’t want to belittle anyone’s depression or despair - I’ve been there too - but on the other hand I do find it much easier to be happy and to enjoy each day by focussing on each day as it comes and not punishing myself by asking the “when?” and “how long?” questions, to which not even my oncologist has the answers.

Thinking of you and hoping that you find a more peaceful frame of mind soon. However, don’t berate yourself for feeling low, we are all dealing with s**t and we can’t be happy and smiley all the time. Perhaps this is something you need to work through.

Best wishes.
Alison xx

Thank you all for taking the time and trouble of posting.
I feel a bit better and am looking forward to a wee break to Spain next weekend.
I think my nephew turning 21 brought it into focus for me. I am quite close to him and I suppose the thought that I wont be here for my own boys made me think a bit deeper than I normally allow myself.

Thanks again ladies you are a great bunch.


Glad you’re feeling a little bit better Muddy - milestones for other kids can be very hard emotionally. I am going to a godson’s wedding next week - and I know I’ll get very emotional thinking about whether I’ll ever see my own kid’s weddings. Enjoy your trip to Spain - just what you need to pick you up a bit.

finty xx

Hi Muddy

Sorry to hear you are down. I was wondering if you are on any hormone treatment as without a doubt both Tamoxifen and arimadex (now had my overies out to help the fight as only 41) left me feelign incredibly down, teaarful and depressed, not necessarily all the time, but in a cycle of real lows. It may be completely unrelated, but I tolerated Zoladex and my hysterectomy (oopherectomy) just fine, but have not been able to deal with the psyhological affects of Tamoxifen or Arimadex - so I am about to try an alternative as this is apparently been experienced by othere too.

Just a thought and I really hope your family have picked you up. This makes everyone that little bit more precious!