I received the dreadful news yesterday afternoon that I have invasive ductal breast cancer - its grade 2 and 13mm in size. As I previously have had cancer some 25 years ago (44 now) for non Hodgkin’s lymphoma where I had chemo and radiotherapy I can’t have radiotherapy again. So what would have been a lumpectomy with radiotherapy is now a mastectomy with chemotherapy.
I know my tumour is small in size and for that I’m lucky - yearly screening is the positive here.
But - I’m scared, I’m angry and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep, my mind is a whirl of thoughts - my children (8&10) my husband having to watch this happen and coping financially having time off sick.
I’m so angry that I get cancer twice - it’s just not fair and that what I had as a teenager still is effecting my life now.
I’m scared of the mastectomy - the op, the recovery.
I’m having a mammotone biopsy under nipple next Tuesday to see if they can preserve my nipple. The biopsy scares me.
I’m sorry for the length of post and for being so negative - I just wanted to talk and reach out to someone who may understand. I struggling to keep my anxiety under control tonight
Shep sending you a huge hug. You’ve been dealt some rotten cards. I hope you have an understanding and helpful breast cancer team around you. This site can be a huge support, but I’m so sorry you’ve had to join the rest of us here. It’s a safe place to let go of what you’re feeling, especially when you’re trying to be strong for everyone else xx
Thank you so much x
Hi Steph,
Im sorry to hear that this disease has struck you again, and as you rightly say, it is so unfair. It sounds as though naturally there are a lot of fears amongst the anger, and I truely hope that some replies you will get re those fears will help you gather some calmness amongst the storm, but I would say allow yourself your feelings.
Although I am in a different situation to yourself, I have been newly diagnosed with invasive breast cancer about the size of yours too. I share some of the feelings you have, although I am sure the sense of unfairness is much more raging second time. I just wanted to let you know someone is listening, and that I am willing you to be ok and know that you can do this, you really can. x
Hi loulou
Thanks for your reply. It’s just horrible isn’t it, how are you feeling? What is your plan of treatment? I’m swinging from calm, practical to an overwhelming sense of anxiety and panic. I’m hating telling people it like I’m giving them some really rubbish news that makes them sad and that’s not a nice feeling.
Have you started treatment yet? Have you had a mammotone biopsy?
We can do this xx
Well done you for getting this far … fingers crossed Thursday brings you good results.
Radiotherapy is tolerable from my experience but that was many years ago! I don’t know much about tamoxifen but I guess like my previous treatment which has put me at risk of breast cancer it’s what works at the time. My treatment gave me 25 years good health.
I’ve already had 2 biopsies which were ok, apparently this is a different noisy and takes about 15/20 mins under local anaesthetic.
Yes I would be a rich woman with all the positives I’ve had! People mean well and carry hope but it can be a bit argh!
Sorry to hear about your mum, what a weight for you both to bear …
Xxx
Hi Shep, I have just had a double mastectomy for breast cancer in both breasts. One showed DCIS and the other was an 18 mm area, invasive with DCIS. I requested mastectomies as I had small breast cancers about twenty years ago and wanted an end to it all. I had the mammotone biopsy first and felt no pain at all. It took about 30 minutes and the machine made a slight burring noise. The only initial discomfort was the anaesthetic injection. I only had my mastectomies two weeks ago and I am now managing to do bits and pieces at home and have not had any major pain. I was lucky, it was grade 2 and the sentinel lymph node biopsies were negative so I do not need chemo or radiotherapy. It was oestrogen receptor positive so I need to take a table, Letrozole, every day to block the oestrogen. I really hope things go well for you too. I was in a terrible state and could not sleep and was in a state of panic.
Lots of love, Brenda xxx
Loulou
You are right it is a stumble! So I’ve stumbled into today and it has been a good day. My parents visited and made me laugh … that felt great and we’ve told the children … they were amazing my daughter 8 cried at the potential bald and my son 10 sniggered! That was truly magic and lifted my spirits no end.
I too use mindfulness I find it very helpful - sometimes tho like thurs and fri no amount of mindfulness seemed to help.
Please do let me know your results Thursday, your kindness and experience has helped me get to today.
Xxx
Hi Brenda
Thanks for the encouraging post, and info on the mammotone. It’s good to hear that you are doing well post surgery and gives me hope. I am at risk of double breast cancer due to my previous treatment as a teenager so I am now starting to consider asking if a double mastectomy is an option, I only want to do this once … if you know what I mean.
I hope your recovery continues to go well for you
Xxxx
Loulou a dear friend of mine did the word “mammogram” in the style of Al Jolson and it will stay with me like that now forever! 
Just made my husband sinf that for me … yep made me laugh ?
Loulou,
My thoughts are with you on Thursday, like you advise me, one day at a time and bring your thoughts back when they rush off into outerspace.
It’s so hard to read, connect and reassure ourselves because there is always someone out there who is having a similar but worse experience and then it triggers the ‘what if / panic button’.
You’ve got this, you can do this just like I can. I’ve been googling positive quotes this evening to inspire myself … drove myself mad with it in the end! Bloody positivity … lol!
I’m off to work tomorrow first day back since diagnosis last Thursday, walking in will be hard but some normal for a few hours will be good.
Virtual hugs xxxx
Oh no you poor thing, but something else crossed off the endless list of things happening. How do you feel physically this evening?
Sometimes we have to be in our moods for the day, better out than in. How is your support network doing, over their coughs, colds and migraines? I have found small amounts of time with others helpful, it’s just the crash back to reality that is a shocker and that’s when the years come?
What is next on your list to wellness? Have you seen a consultant about radiotherapy yet?
Work went very well today, everyone was so lovely and I had lovely gifts too which made me cry! I intend working up to the week before surgery, much like you described.
Tomorrow is my dreaded mammotone and I’m going to ask the surgeon about having a double mastectomy rather than just the single. I feel it’s what I would like - ease future anxiety and not have to repeat this experience.
Big hugs and here’s to tomorrow being a good day for us both xx
I find that on Facebook on the macmillan threads…so many with people saying their life is ruined, how much pain theyre still in etc which relative just died.I’ve stopped reading them as theyre just not helpful
It’s so easy to frighten ourselves isn’t it… I have a whole pack of booklets that I can’t really look through I find it to overwhelming and my anxiety then shoots up!
Wish non of us had to go through this, it feels so unfair. I’m waking early every morning and for a split second I don’t remember and then it just washes over me and it’s the worse feeling in the world. I want to be brave and do this with a smile but sometimes all I can do is cry and be frightened ?
Know that feeling so well Shep…I want to wake and find its all been a very long dream…don’t know what I’d do first…jump up and down laughing and run around doing stuff I think and appreciate how my body feels! I really miss having strength and energy just to go out a whole day and not get tired.its only been 3 months for me but in a way I can’t remember just spending a day thinking of ordinary stuff…getting ready for work, errands I had to run, what to have for tea and so on.what did I fill my head with all the time?lets all hope for a good day today.look how great we all are! xxx
Yes, it would be amazing wouldn’t it!
What is your treatment plan? 3 months in though is good, it means you have achieved 3 months and the end is nearer to reach. Mind you on crap days that just doesn’t help!
I remember doing surgery, chemo and radiotherapy 25years ago and you get into a routine of this new life and in some weird way I found comfort at the time of the structure and predictably of how I would feel. I’m hoping that knowledge will help me this time, knowledge scares me too tho!!
I’ve had my mammotone today and it was 100% better than I could have ever imagined so I’m riding high on that for a while. Results back next Thursday and fingers crossed my nipple stays. I asked about a double mastectomy but my surgeon said no, and I’m happy with his reasons.
I hope today is being kind to you and you have some energy to enjoy the day…
Virtual hugs xxx
Thank you I did.been out far too long today buying birthday presents and will no doubt be shattered tomorrow but never mind.Am rather breathless so get a lot of rib and back pain with that but managed to keep going.tomorrow is my day…I think…for getting biopsy results in kidney and it’s a bit of a lucky dip as anything could happen so I’m bracing myself.should probably ask a million questions.my plan then is surgery followed by more chemo followed by radiotherapy but can’t look that far ahead till I know what I’m dealing with.my bad chemo arm with my rubbery veins has suddenly gone red and warm on the lumpy but…sorry bad description so it might well be infected and need to mention that too.lets hope we all have a good night ladies xx
I hope you got some lovely presents and are not to tired tomorrow as a result.
Questions … my mum asked me what my questions were and I said I couldn’t think of any!!! It’s hard isn’t it … what to ask, what do you want to know / hear!! I popped a little notebook in my bag today and as a thought popped into my head I jotted it down. Also used it after my appt note a few important things / words down.
Fingers double crossed for your results, it must be dreadful facing a potential double dose. I’m on my second cancer but my body kindly gave me 25 years gap!
Sounds like you do have an infection, hopefully some antibiotics will get that cleared.
What do you have planned for the evening? Any good tv or have you a book? Have you tried the mindfulness colouring in books - brilliant.
Sending hugs ???
Got my good friend coming round and tv and relax.I haven’t tried colouring yet but got some paints and some stones and going to do some stone painting when I’m in the mood. thanks for everything xx