Hi, I thought some might find this info useful. A friend with secondary bc and a young daughter told me about a CBBC Newsround programme this week, link here, news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_7960000/newsid_7961800/7961812.stm
titled ‘Gone’. I haven’t watched the programme but at the time of typing this the programme is available to watch again on the Newround website. Newsround spoke to children who had experienced breavement in the family and how they’d coped. Apparently there are also links to the Childhood Bereavement Network, website here, childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/ who offer videos for children of all ages.
Belinda…x
I watched it, and I can recommend it. My children were watching at the time and I meant to discuss it with them, but then they rushed off to various beavery/cubby things and the moment passed…
Jenny
x
I watched this with my youngest who is ten and I found it really helpful. We also went to the link for Winston’s Wish and created a star for my daughter’s hamster who died recently (not sure this was really allowed but I wanted her to practise doing it!) and a universe of memories. Of course, the idea is that she can do this herself as and when the time comes.
It also helped us to talk about things like funerals - there is much disagreement about whether kids benefit from going to a parent’s funeral - but my little girl said that she would like to go to my funeral to say goodbye. We also talked about the importance of talking about somebody close to you who has died.
And finally we went to the chat forums and registered her so that she can, if she wants, go on there on her own time. We read some of the posts and I think it really helped my little one to see that there are lots of other children who are going through a similar experience to her.
One of the things I realised when talking was that my daughter was really concerned that I would suddenly die. I was saddened that she had been walking around with this fear hanging over her for a while. I was able to reassure her that I would, in all likelihood, be able to giver her some notice and that it almost definitely wouldn’t be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. Sometimes the things that kids are worried about can be surprising. I had taken it for granted that she was living in the same space as me - I am not dead today and so probably have a bit more time left.
I confess I had a lump in my throat the whole time we were doing all this. But I am so grateful for the linnk because I think it helped so much.
Deirdre
This is really useful. I have been pondering this recently. I have a four year old who is blissfully unaware. How long can I keep this up for? I now plan to seek advice, contacts, information so as I can feel in control and judge when and how to tell him. Fortunately my treatment so far is low key enough that it does not affect normal life but I know my clock is ticking and I want to get prepared.
I want to seek advice about:
* How to tell a child and how to talk and live with it together
* How to get support for the family when the illness gets tougher
* What support will be offered inside and out of school
* How to get support approaching death
* How my family will be supported when I am gone
I am about to embark on this mission so snippets of info like this will be my starting point.
Lou x
Hi Lou
I know a lot of people who are concerned about the same things as you (myself included). If you get any great information in your search please share it with us and I will try to do the same
Thanks and take care
Justy
Some minor ‘tips’ or experience shared…
We didn’t tell the children initially, age 5,6 as it was out of their control, and treatment could be successful.
The side-effects of treatment were hidden very well, with a ‘mummy doesn’t feel too good today, got a dose of flu’
You need friends and helpers to keep the masquerade up.
We told the children when we knew about mets 1 year following diagnosis, and knew the inevitable was going to happen.
We were worried as we were told they may get angry with a ‘how dare you leave us like this’ attitude. However we were both very surprised.
We did it after breakfast, not on a school day. We recapped that mummy hasn’t been very well for the last year, and were sorry to hide it from them. They understood and the penny dropped. They were really sad but loving and just wanted to cuddle their mum all day. The dreadful Wii was a blessing to divert their attention later and give us time together.
We kept them posted about treatment, but with a positive side, but did not use the term ‘cure’
They could see mummy slipping away from them as she got more and more drowsy. They were happy to hold her hand, write notes to her. When she passed away, they were a bit reluctant to touch her, but with encouragement, they were happy to cuddle her and say their farewells, knowing that mummy will still be with them all the time.
I guess that each family and each child would be different, but if anyone wants to pm me they’re welcome to do so.