I am aged 45 and was diagnosed at the end of November with stage 2 and lymph node involvement. I have had a bilateral mastectomy and start chemo in January. The first week was the worst of my life but it has got better and I am well supported. I still have tearful moments which I suppose is not surprising. My main concern is having two young children (4 and 6) as I feel I have let them down. I know its ridiculous but at the moment I just can’t help it. My partner and family are so supportive and I know in many ways I am very lucky. I found great comfort on this site, especially hearing from others who also have young children.
I don’t have children but I am also helped by my belief that cancer is a disease like any other e.g. a virus and I don’t blame myself for getting it. Mind you, I was different in the beginning (four years ago). While waiting the usual two hour wait at the breast clinic, I read a leaflet there which went on about the size of lumps being related to whether you had carried out regular breast examination or not. I hadn’t ever done this so when I was eventually diagnosed after six months of tooing, froing and having my lump removed, I was convinced my time was up.
I have since discovered that breast self exam makes no difference to mortality as a recent trial result involving around 500,000 women has proved it doesn’t work.
So don’t beat yourself up. If I were you I would try and talk to your children about the situation. There’s booklets on how to do this. Otherwise they often feel worse than if you are up front about it.
Mole
Hi Judith
You may find it helpful to look at the Breast Cancer Care booklet, talking with your children on about breast cancer. You can find a copy by following the link below:-
breastcancercare.org.uk//docs/talking_with_children_0.pdf
Also, you may find it helps to talk to someone in confidence about how you feel, please feel free to contact our helpline where you can talk to about your worries and concerns to a member of staff who is either a breast care nurse or has personal experience of breast care issues. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 the lines open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope you find this helpful
Kind regards
Sam
BCC facilitator
Hi Judith
My daughters are a little older (they were 10 and 13 when I was diagnosed back in April), but I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I decided right from the start to be honest and truthful with them and we found this helped. We told them that the next few months were going to be difficult for all of us, but that I WOULD get better. I had my chemo first which finished on 31st August, followed by a mastectomy and node removal on 3rd October, 3 weeks of radiotherapy which finished on 14th December, and I start herceptin on 9th Jan. Also due for a reconstruction in February - phew !
The initial first few weeks were awful and there were lots of tears, but somehow we all managed to find our sense of humour again, and that coupled with amazing support from friends has seen us through. Once my hair started coming out, my daughter stole my straighteners, and now it’s coming back, she’s told me I’m not having them back - lol ! (thats fine, I intend to treat myself to some really expensive ones!). I was gutted (and felt so guilty!) when we had to cancel our pre-booked holiday to Lanzarote as we all so much look forward to our annual holidays abroad. BUT, we’ve put the money aside and intend going somewhere really lovely next year. What we did do (in between chemo) was to have some lovely family days out instead.
The girls have seen my mastectomy scar many times - I haven’t hidden it away, and they are absolutely fine about it. All the way through, we’ve talked openly about everything and answered all their questions and I have to say they have made me so proud. I was particularly worried about my older daughter, but her friends assure me that she has been fine, and my youngest only had a few “wobbles” when I was in hospital for 5 days after my mastectomy.
The good things to come out of this ? Well, I Iost a stone and a half in weight so I’m now down to a size 10 (and weigh less than I did before I had the girls!), I get a free boob job (and I’m going up a size - woo-hoo !) in February, I’ve realised who my true friends are, and have made some new wonderful ones along the way, and its made me (and my family) appreciate life and each other so much more. I don’t mean to make light of the situation, as I know how hard it is, but I promise you your days will get better, and the good will outnumber the bad.
Sending you lots of love and a big hug. Please keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Julie xx
Hi Judith5153
Not sure how much help I am going to be as I don’t have any kids either but this other experience may be relevant to you …
When my dad died in his late fifties I felt totally responsible. The first 6 months were diabloical and the next 2 years were difficult and many years later I am much better. As you can imagine I needed to go and see a consellor … and during the discussions I found out that as I am the much older sister I had been trained to think I was responsible for everything. If I did anything wrong it was my fault and if my brother did it was my fault too … and I’d happily take on responsibilty for my parents divorce, death of cats,burnt dinners, missing favorite TV programs, the lot!!! Once I realised what had been going on it was like starting a new life! - and I am not kidding …
Anyway, perhaps you could have a think about this … if you are just doing this habitually then if you could get out of the habit then that will be one of the good things to come out of this experience …
Good luck with it
Giving you a big hug as it’s not your fault ! (((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))
FizBix
Thank you all for your support.
Julie - your comment about the hair straighteners made me laugh. We too have had to cancel a holiday and the idea of days out is great. We have always been a very open family and the girls know I had to have something done to my boobies and coped fine when I was in hospital. I will tell them about the chemo soon. I agree, honesty is best for everone. I suddenly had a wobbly yesterday when I wondered how on earth we’d cope when I was on chemo and the girls were back at school and everyone had to be out the door by 8am! But my partner is coping so well and has discovered hidden talents in the domestic department. My sister, who has been a rock, will also come and stay from time to time. I will keep posting and be thinking of you in February.
Fizbix - I know what you mean. Sometimes I think feeling responsible for everything is a female thing. Thanks.
Judith xx
Hi Judith
I have 5 children in total but my youngest 2 ar 13 & 11. As soon as i was dx with cancer i told both my chldren and they took it better that what i expected. My youngest son was more worried about me losing my hair than anything else.
I truley believe that my kids are waht has kept me going as they give me a reason every day for being positive. This thing happens to all different types of women and men its just one of those awfull things but we all get through it in our own ways. Its not your fault.
Stay positive Judith
Thinking of you
Lynne
Hi All
I have posted this on behalf of new user Denise
Regards
Louise
Facilitator
Hi Judith
I was just recently diagnosed with inflammatory breast ca (18th Dec). I spoke to the mcmillan nurses at the time of diagnosis about telling my son who is 7. We decided to wait until after christmas to tell him. It has been hard as he didn’t understand why I was tired or grumpy. We told him the day after I started the chemo (31st Dec), which was just as well as I was up all night puking. His main concern was that we had to cancel our holiday, he was really upset about about this but we’ve managed to convince him that a few days at centre parcs would be more fun that 2 weeks caravaning in France. After all my treatment we have promised ourselves a holiday in Lapland. We also spoke to his school about the cancer and they have been very supportive. I’ve also given him a bit of responsibility around the house which has helped such as making sure the dog has been fed, or giving me a foot rub. I am all for being truthful with him about cancer as he will now grow up aware that cancer is treatable and isn’t as scary as it was years ago, the mcmillan nurses and school have also suggested that when I’m finishing the chemo he can come with me to see me getting the chemo.
Since the diagnosis I do have dark days and good days, but in general I feel that this has happened for a reason outwith my control and in the end I will become a stronger person which can only pose as a good role model for my son. Hang in there and try stay positive
Denise
Hi judith
My children are 9 and 7. We told them two days after the diagnosis as we felt that they needed to know. They had had their usual schedule disturbed due to evening/afternoon appointments and then of course people, cards and flowers started to arrive. So far they have coped very well but would prefer me well and able to take them swimming! We informed the Headteacher quickly and increased the emergency contact details to include three friends. We always tell them who is taking them or collecting them from school, but they know that one of the three friends will help out if it all falls apart. They just seem to want to carry on with their activities which they have been able to do. It has helped my daughter be less clingy and allow my husband to do most of the bedtime routine.
My next step is to discuss surgery (when I know what I want!) and my hospital stay.
From what a friend has said it’s important to keep them informed and to be open with them. I’ve made time so that they can ask questions, but mostly they don’t want to. I also let them know that it’s not anyone fault that I have breast cancer.
wishing you well
Pauline
Hi Judith
can only agree with what everyone else has said. I was dx on 1st Nov with grade 3 invasive ductal cancer - had to have bone / liver/ lungs scans on 8th Nov and mastectomy on 13th november. Started chemo on 28th November and due 3rd of 4 fecs on wednesday. This is to be followed by 16 rads sessions, then 4 lots of taxotere, then a year of herceptin.
I have 2 kids one aged 21 and one aged 9. We were open with them from the very start - both were told on the day of my diagnosis. The youngest took it much better than the older one (although the older one had already lost he dad to lung cancer when she was 9 so she was devastated by my dx).
Both have now come to terms with it - the youngest was the first to see my mastectomy scar the day after dressings came off - was ok with it. We informed her school as soon as possible and they have helped tremendously Her biggest worry was me losing my hair - but now it’s gone she’s fine about it.
I too have the awful dark days - when you wonder what the future holds - they are getting less but they still happen. At the end of the day - nobody, BC or not - knows what the future holds so the old maxim of living everyday as if its your last holds very true.
Please don’;t feel that you have let them down - this is nobody’s ‘fault’ - least of all yours and I am sure they are aware of that. I hope all your treatment goes well. Please keep us posted
take care
Margaret x
Hi all,
My 8-year old daughter was ‘acting up’ for a couple of weeks after my diagnosis, and then one day on the way to school asked me what would happen to her if I didn’t get better and I died. As we began to talk about it (you’d live in the same house with Daddy and S and R, you’d still go to school, but you might need a few days off at first as you’d be very sad, etc) it became apparent that she had no concept at all of what would happen, she had no mental picture of her life as it could be, and that was scary. As we talked I ‘built up a picture’ for her and she was reassured. (I also assured her the treatment was very good and I was expecting to get better!) I am sure a lot of children have the ‘what if’ question in their mind, but daren’t ask.
I have secondaries now and many of us on the secondaries forum have benefited from the charity Winston’s Wish, which exists to help children through the serious illness/death of a loved one. They have loads of brilliant resources and books to recommend, including a list of mainstream books (eg Jacqueline Wilson) that deal with issues of illness and loss, for all age groups. We have found their books and ideas extremely helpful in preparing ourselves and talking to our children. Even if the worst doesn’t happen, knowing you have talked through the ‘what ifs’, or prepared a memory bank of some kind, helps everyone deal with the feelings of fear. It’s probably something every mother should do, BC diagnosis or not.
You may have seen their programmes ‘the mummy diaries’ on Channel 4 in the Autumn.
I do hope this is helpful, I know we’re not always ‘in the right place’ or ready to think about these things.
All the best to you all for your treatments and a healthy future
Jacquie
HI
I had my biopsy 31/12/2007 and today confirmed type 3 with op on Thursday, have yet to stop crying and my kids are 7 and 4. The thought of leaving them scares me witless/ TOo early to panic but at 36 had not even thought of cancer, only found it by accident! FOr now telling them Mummy is poorly and will take a while to get better. My son at 7 would only panic so until I get the op results in 2 weeks will keep the C word out of it as donlt want school mates saying the worst to the poor soul.
Even found out Hol booked in May I amy not go on due to chemo so they may go without me as they are so looking forward to it, so was I!!! feeling sorry for myself!
Dear catswales
I’m sorry to read of your recent diagnosis. You may find BCC’s resource pack helpful which has been designed for anyone newly diagnosed, if you would like a copy just follow the link below:
breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=7514
Also, If you feel you need to talk to someone in confidence then please give the helpline a call, the staff here are all either breast care nurses or people who have personal experience of breast care issues. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Best wishes
Lucy
Thank you all so much.
Catswales it probably doesn’t help but I know just how you feel. I feel like my whole life is now BC. One treatment seems to lead to another, holidays cancelled, can’t enjoy very much at all and feeling very weepy (pre menstrual). My dearest friend, who is a nurse, has spent a lot of time with me and tells me I will get through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just can’t wait for this and it can’t come soon enough. My girls have been great. I start chemo tomorrow and have told them I will be taking medicine that will make me very tired and possibly sick. We joked about me being bald. At the end of the day kids are very resilient and learn to adjust - it just doesn’t help us too much. I hope all goes well, keep in touch.
The same goes for all. Thanks for all your support.
Judith x
Hi Judith and Catswales
I was dx on July 16 with bc, but then had a double whammy 10 days later and told it had already spread to my liver. I am 39 years old and have a 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son. My whole world fell apart, and have to admit for the first few weeks became a hermit and could not stop crying. A masectomy was out of question due to liver mets, and therefore went straight onto chemo. Once I started chemo i did become more positive about things and managed to get my life (and theirs) back to normality.
I have cried buckets since all this started, and recently had a really bad few days. But the good days outweigh the bad days and I try to remain as positive as I can. My daughter doesn’t understand any of it, and not used the C word to her. She knows mummy is ill and her boobies are poorly and has to go hospital every 3 weeks plus other appointments, but she is too young to understand it all. I told her preschool teachers in case her behaviour changes, but so far OK. She likes my wig, not seen me without, nor has my hubby. Only see me with hat or wig!!!
All i can say to you ladies starting chemo (I finished on 21 Nov, and now on Herceptin, 2nd one on Thursday), is listen to your bodies rest when you can (hard with the small ones I know), and any offers from friends or family to take the children out and about and let you have a few hours to rest, take it with open arms.
Not sure this is much help to anyone, but hey ho, good to get off my chest now and again!!!
Take care all and let us know how you get on.
Love
Dawn
xx
Hi Juidth and Catswals and Dawn
I comforted myself in knowing that we have incredibly good health service in this country and I really wouldn’t have these chances for treatment in many of the poorer countries of the world. I am also helped by friends and family who have helped practically, accept help as much as you can especially if your children are younger. Friends and family have also helped through prayer, as I’m a Christian it has been a great comfort to me whatever the outcome at the end. I send around a e-mail update every 3 weeks or so and get many encouraging replies back.
One reply came from a family friend who had BC 17 years ago. She explained to her Reception class that if you have bowl of fruit and one piece of fruit goes bad you have to remove it to stop the other pieces of fruit going bad. I will be using this with my 7 and 9 year old as a starting point and see if they want to ask any more technical questions. I thought it was cool analogy.
with love to you all
Pauline