Coming to the end, so why am I so emotional???

Hi

I have my last round of chemo on the 30th November - hoorah! I am very much looking forward to this stage of treatment being over I can tell you!! Tamoxifen, rads and herceptin left but I think these will be a walk in the park compared to chemo.

I have been pretty emotionally strong and stable throughout this hideous journey but the last few weeks have been horrible. I started tax which has hit me hard, so this isn’t helping. But my emotions have been all over the place. I would’ve thought that coming to the end of chemo would feel exciting and big light at end of tunnel and all that, but for some reason this excitement is being totally dampened by all my tears!!! I have moments where I am high as a kite and nothing gets me down and I am in full kick butt flow but then I can become a crying soggy want to hide in a dark corner mess. I am also finding that everything that has happened since my diagnosis is May is coming back to haunt me. Especially the moment of being told I had BC. I feel ugly, sad, angry, annoyed panicky and a bit lonely. My husband is being just so wonderful throughout all this and I feel sad for him too.

I am struggling to see the real me in the mirror - I just see this alien looking back at me. I do not feel at all girly at the moment no matter how much make up of frilly dresses i wear. I have this big ball of emotion in my stomach and I just have no idea what to do with it!!!

Has anyone else been though these crazy emotions? I expected this to happen throughout treatment not towards the end.

Cheers
Bird
xxx

Hi Bird

I’m on TAX too and finish Tues before Christmas, and it’s hit me hard, just don’t seem to recover from one dose before the next one starts! Had mine last Tues and still rough today, just can’t seem to do anything. I too can’t wait for it to be over but don’t feel excited about it either; you have pretty much summarised how I feel, hence my posting as I didn’t want you to think you were alone.

I think it’s the fear of the unknown, the “what happens next” kind of thing, it’s a bit scary and I guess it’s ‘normal’ to feel lost once the chemo/rads are finished as we have a little protective blanket round us at the moment don’t we?

At least when I was on EC I could get out and about on the motorbike but now all I can do is sit on the sofa! Couldn’t get my leg over bike if I felt like trying!!

I hate moaning and am normally an ‘upbeat’ go for it girl but sometimes I have dark moments and hate them.

Anyway, thinking of you. I’m sure they’ll be plenty of positvie days ahead for us.

Denise x

Hi dee49

Thanks for replying. Glad to know I am not alone. I am getting out and about on this hideous tax but my muscles seem to tire very very quickly. I am worried about not wanting to go out and do anything - to me that feels like defeat and I ain’t havin it!!! I have a constant battle in my head at the moment. I feel as I said but there is that little fighter in my head that says c’mon get out of bed put on your face and do stuff! it’s getting a little harder to want to do stuff though!!

I too hate these dark moments, they make me cross. I can’t stand dark moany wimpy people they really wind me up so when I behave like them I just want to get out of my body and give myself a serious slap!! LOL!!

I have stopped telling people that I am ok all the time and this is a blip!! My husband says it really annoys him the brave face I put on because he knows it’s not real. So I decided that when someone asks how I am doing then I tell the truth! But a big part of me hates it because I do not want people saying Oh I am sorry you feel rough and giving me all that sympathy nonsense!!! Can’t be doing with it!!!

I think you are right with the what happens next thing. I have rads next and also will be starting the tamoxifen - I am not at all bothered about either one but I have some concerns over what the tamoxifen will do to me!!! I am worried about it turning me into a monster! I am also trying to come to terms with what if the cancer comes back? I know I will have to live with that for the rest of my life I just need to get used to living with it.

Well I hope you can soon get out on your bike. We haven’t been out on my husbands bike for a long time now. He’s tinkering with it! need i say more! plus I don’t think I can get into my bike gear at the moment! need to slim a little first! not a chance with xmas coming up!

For now I guess we must make the most of our sofa days and continue to search for our lost sparkle. I am hoping to find mine in a bottle or two of champers! going to pop some corks when this chemo has finished I can tell you!

Take care
xxxxx

Hi bird and Dee
I finished my chemo 2nd september and went through all the emotions you have described.
I felt like this for a few weeks after the treatment had finished. I had planned lots of nights out with friends and ended up doing non of it.
Now 2 and half months on I’m feeling much better. The only side effect from tamoxifen is hot flushes, so try not to worry to much on this.
I have started swimming again and have lost a stone of the weight I put on through chemo, which is adding to me feeling better.
Thought I’d post just to let you know that life does get a little easier and that what you are feeling alot of us feel.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself and let yourself recover.
You will find your sparkle again…I have and I didn’t think I would.
Take care
Chris x

Hi Chris

Thanks for replying. Again good to know that we are not alone. I really hope these feelings don’t go on for weeks after treatment, especially as I have a holiday to go on! Fingers crossed the excitement of a holiday takes over!

I too have put on over a stone of weight since starting treatment which does not help! I have a wardrobe of fabulous clothes that I cannot fit into! :frowning: I am looking forward to exercising and shifting this blubber!!!

As for the hot flushes, well I get them already! It seems the tax as started the ball rolling on that one! so if thats the only side effect from the tamoxifen then that will not be a problem!

Glad to know that you have found your sparkle and it gives me hope that I will too find mine again.

Take it easy
xxx

Have my last TAX first day of december and am looking forward so much to it all being over. Looking forward to being a fit active person and not the achey little weakling that i have become! The TAX has played havoc with my intestines which were not always too well behaved before.
Have felt a bit deflated lately and yes emotional too, as radiotherapy next and a bit scary. But mostly just want me back, complete with some hair! and enough energy to get back on my bicycle.
But well done everyone here, and anyone just starting it does come to an end. I know it will always be there that little worry will it return, but… goin to enjoy 2011 hurry up springtime!
have a good holiday Bird, good to hear you recovering well Chris makes me feel positive, and hope your last chemo goes well Dee, dont know about champers but will celebrate too.

Hi

‘I am struggling to see the real me in the mirror’ - I can really relate to that statement.

It’s 2 years since I finished chemo and can remember feeling on a ‘real’ high. But it wasn’t. I pretended for other people but nearing the end of chemo I felt so emotional. Chemo is strong stuff (it has to be) and we expect to have our old selves back right away. It takes time. You feel better by degrees but it’s quite a while before you feel ‘normal’.

The hair comes back quite quickly but mine was like corkscrews - very curly. I wasn’t used to curly hair, and whilst at first I was just glad to have hair again, it began to really upset me. I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror. The defining moment, for me, was going to the hairdressers a few months later when she blew it straight. I sat there and cried. I’d finally got ‘me’ back.

Now two and a half years from dx I am back to ‘normal’.

As I said, you will feel better every week after chemo has finished. Just don’t expect to be running the marathon yet.

Mal x

Hi Bird,

I’m a little further on than you, finished chemo end of august, started Tamoxifen September, had 7 of 18 Herceptin treatments and just finished Radiotherapy last Friday. You’re not alone in feeling this way, it could be me writing your post and I know just how you feel.

I don’t “do ill”, haven’t had a day off sick from work in 16 years! So this year has been a real toughie, and Tax hit me for six too, I barely went out of for about 8 weeks. I had a blip after the last Tax when I just cried for a couple of days because I was feeling so sorry for myself, couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror because it isn’t my face looking back, but my sensible head told me this was temporary and I told myself to get over it!

It does get easier, I started to feel better within a few weeks of finishing Chemo, and I’ve found Tamoxifen ok, just hot flushes but I was having those anyway along with several of my work colleagues who aren’t on Tamoxifen so I figure I can live with that. I haven’t turned into a monster either :slight_smile:
Radiotherapy was easy peasy compared to chemo and the other ladies who were having it at the same time seemed to cope very well too, I’m sure you’ll find the same. I’ve got my energy back now although not my strength, if I bend down to pick something up I have to hold on to something to stand up again!
Herceptin going fine too, it’s become a routine visit that I have to go to every 3 weeks and no major SEs so I’m sure you’ll find it ok too.
My hair is growing back quite quickly, I have a soft downy covering, not ready to go out without a wig or scarf yet but I reckon January/February I might! Can’t wait.
Through all of this I’ve put make-up on every day and discovered the delights of eye-liner which makes my eyes look reasonably normal without eye lashes! Also eyebrow pencils, my face looks so much better with eyebrows pencilled in (can recommend Clinique, I splashed out on some of theirs, usually I buy cheap make up but I reckoned I deserved a treat!)
Hope you’re feeling a little stronger now, hang in there and have a lovely Christmas with your Husband.
All the best
Gill

I think your are still emotional because although you know your treatment is ‘coming to an end’ you know really that its only the end of first chapter and the treatment/worries will carry on so in effect there is no ‘end’.

I ‘finished’ treatment at end of September, Surgery, Chemo and RADs and I still feel emotional at times and sometimes feel really down. I am trying to carry on and live my life normally (I want that more than anything) but its really hard just to draw a line under things and put it past you - I find it creeps up on me when I am least expecting it!

I too have the mirror thing. I look in the mirror and think who is that girl? In fact who am I full stop? I seem to have lost myself and am desperatly seeking the girl I was. Maybe that girl has gone forever and I need to find the new me. I am hoping that will come in time but for now its about taking one day at a time…
x