Coping Strategies

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Hi all,

I’m 8 months down the road from my mx and I’m struggling to come to terms with how my body looks now and I wondered if any of you have any practical advice for learning how to live breast free and how to adjust psychologically to it all.

I do want reconstruction but my body has taken such a bashing with chemotherapy that I’ve been advised to wait quite a while before putting it through any more trauma. As a result I need to learn to live with my new body and find some way to get back to, if not loving it, at least accepting it.

Any and all suggestions on coping with/living with my new body gratefully received! :slight_smile:

Nymeria x

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Hi nymeria,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I had my mx November last year so pretty much at the same point as yourself, some days are better than others for me, I have posted on here before about this, body image is very, very important isnt it?

Overweight you can do something about that, and yes you can have reconstruction, I dont want to go down that road, so how do you accept the way you look, simple answer I honestly dont think you ever really do, I dont think I will ever look at my body the same way again, and I think you have to realise that and try to accept that, before you can move forward,

please note: this is how I feel, not everybody is the same are they?

my attitude in the bedroom department is also struggling, I dont know how my oh can honestly be with me sexually and feel exactly the same way as he did before, I think thats impossible,

so all these issues… I dont know what to say…

I have taken my GP up on his offer of anti-depressants, and counselling, I dont think thats the answer, just a quick fix,

I hope that having read all this, rather long post, you will be able to bear in mind that you really arent alone, there are a lot of us in the same place as you, probably not much help, but maybe,

we all have to cope in any way we can, all the very, very best to you Liz xxx

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Thank you Liz, I really appreciate all your comments! xx

I think primarily I need to find a way to properly come to terms with the way my body looks now. I am also now on A-Ds and looking to try and arrange some counselling. I’m not sure when I will be having recon so learning to live with being mono-boobed is an important step forward.

Luckily my OH has been hugely understanding about all of this particularly about the fact that right now I cannot see myself as being attractive sexually. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and I know he does but this is more about my perception of me not his perception of me.

I think this has all come to the fore because now that I’ve finally finished active treatment I actually have the time to sit down and think/react to everything that has happened.

Nymeria x

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Hi Nymeria

I had a left mastectomy in September 2009, with tissue expander recon to begin with.

I have to say, that although active treatment is well and truly over, my hair is growing etc, i cannot come to terms with my lost breast right now.

It is in my opinion, a very hard thing to have to deal with, and there does not seem to be much support out there for ladies, once treatment is over.

I will be going for a different type of recon soon, so more stress on my body, but i am hoping that once that is done, i will feel better about things,including how i see my body.

I wish you well and hope that you feel better about your body soon…xx

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Thank you NAZ!

I guess at the moment I’m just a whole mixture of feelings regarding it all. I really hate the way my body now looks even though logically I know I had no other choice but an mx to save my life. It’s really hard reconciling that with the aftermath though and my body image is at an all time low.

I used to be a professional dancer and from my teens through most of my 20s I had an eating disorder brought on by the stupid concept in the dance world of what a dancer’s body should look like. It took me a long time to be happy in my own skin and now BC has come along and undone all the hard work - it’s so frustrating! My OH keeps telling me not to pressure myself and give it time but I’m just worried that I’ll never be able to find a way to live with it, when I know that it’s important to find some method of doing that, otherwise we’d all go bonkers!

Nymeria x

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I’m two years on from dx and just had notice of my second mammogram.
It really has consolidated every ‘emotional pain’ of my mx!
I don’t want a reconstruction, never have…
I miss my natural breast so much.
I’ve lost my sexuality since mx. I feel sexless!
I don’t have a partner who can reassure me that I still am attractive.
I just feel very very sad and very very angry!!!
I hate my appearance in summer (and hate every woman wearing low cut tops who share their healthy breasts with me !!!)

Deep down I’m quite a nice person…usually!
But summer temperatures highlight my pain to such amazing peaks.
I want everyone to wear polo neck tops because when I see healthy breasts, even those of BC dx I just feel so envious and so ugly!!!

Why did I have to lose my breast?
Why don’t I feel that a reconstruction is the solution?
Why do I hate my body so much?
How can I continue to live like this???

Summer is hell for me!
I love the sunshine but I have to be alone to enjoy the warmth…
I hate having to dress properly and yet I can’t go out bra free!!!
I feel I’m trapped in my own back garden!
I think every summer is going to be very lonely…

Winter clothes and winter temperatures seem to cool my self-hatred!

Welsh girl x

Thank you for letting me rant!!!

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I had my mx almost 18 months ago now, and I still haven’t come to terms with how I look. Like others have mentioned, I feel unattractive, and suspect that my husband feels the same (although he has never said that). The trouble is, just suspecting that he doesn’t fancy me anymore is enough to inhibit things (e.g, wearing camisoles in the bedroom to cover up). Also, like Welshgirl mentioned, I am also aware of others having a cleavage, and resent it slightly. Just last week I felt rather cross that a BC nurse was wearing a slightly low cut top, and wanted to tell her that she was being insensitive, but the world goes on despite my BC doesn’t it?.
I guess a new age guru would say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that I should look at things a different way, but no matter how I try, all I see when I look in the mirror is meat where there was once a breast. Sorry that I can’t be more positive.

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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts everyone, now I know that I’m not alone in feeling unable to accept my changed body.

I understand completely about not liking summer now and wishing everyone else would cover up because I too feel jealous when I see a normal cleavage. I’m happy today because it’s chilly and raining which means when I go out later on I won’t have to worry about what I wear.

I hate the fact that I have a wardrobe full of lovely summer stuff that I can’t wear but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it all either.

Breast cancer has well and truly messed with my head!

Nymeria

10

Hello everyone,
I don’t really know what to say to you all, it’s horrible to feel like that. I’ve struggled with my body image for most of my life, and have been fat and thin and inbetween, but never happy or thin enough. I did have nice breasts, but now I have none I actually feel better about myself. I have no idea why!
I’ve not had a partner for ages, and I can’t really imagine finding one now but I live in hope that there’s a nice, understanding man out there somewhere… I look at my scars and think they don’t look too bad, but then they don’t look that good either. I’m going to tattoo them once I’m a year from surgery, so there will be art instead of scarring.
I don’t wear breast forms most of the time - easier as I have no breasts. I was self-conscious at first, but now I just think sod it and wear what I like. I’ve got loads of scarves and shawly things, and some nice shirts that look fine, but often I just wear a fitted t-shirt. I’ve got one particularly lovely top that I can’t wear, but I’m trying to find a bra that will look good under it with my breast forms.
It’s difficult to walk around with no breasts at all when cartoon porn breasts are considered ‘normal’ and are thrust in your face constantly. Maybe as a raging feminist I’m feeling empowered by going ‘up yours’ to the boob culture?! Yes I’d rather have my breasts, but I’m ok without them most of the time.
I’m slightly worried that I might suddenly find I hate my body again, but it’s been 4 months now and it hasn’t happened. I’ve just had hypnotherapy to try to stop me stressing and eating rubbish, and that seems to have really helped me too.
It’s such a personal thing, I hope you can all find ways of feeling better about it. There’s so much else to worry about too, and our breasts are kind of ripped from us at probably the most stressful and frightening time of our lives. It’s no wonder that their loss is hard to accommodate.
xx
xx

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I didnt worry about loosing my right breast in March as I was more worried about surviving-however even then I said I wanted a recon
I find it weired looking at my body -I am an f cup and still am with my mono boob!
when I dont wear my prosthesis I look awkward …like I have a deformity so I now wear loose tops with high necks [normally size 14/16 tops]now wear size 18 baggy !
finished rads in june -begged PS to start the recon process
I admire everyone who is able to live with the mx and I think that our partners [or partners to be] we still find us attractive as most attration comes from the mind not the body and a pretty bra or camisole still looks good-however for me it is simple equation
thoughts around cloathes constantly for the rest of my life versus wearing what I want including tankinis !
I simply havent the time or engy to put in each day with the mx
[this is all about me and my feelings -sorry !]
xxx

12

I had a double mx in 2009 without reconstruction. I also have lymphodema in left arm so have to wear a sleeve.

To be honest, wearing the sleeve was a bigger blow to me in some ways than losing my breasts. I know that sounds weird but when I wear my prostheses - which I do every day even when I’m at home on my own - I feel and look normal. I never really feel normal with my sleeve on but I’m slowly adapting.

Of course, I’d love to be ‘normal’. I’d love to be whole. I envy other women their breasts. My husband has told me never to worry about covering up in his presence which I did at first.

But most of all I love the fact that I’m alive and I hold on to that thought every single day. Whenever I get down I think how very lucky I was to have all the treatment I had. Elinda x

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You’re so right Elinda but…
I’ve been feeling grateful for two years now and the pretending is wearing so thin this summer!!!
However, thank you for reminding us/me about why we had to have this surgery. And I am glad that the treatment isn’t continuous as it is for women with secondaries…
My active treatment was completed almost a year ago now.

I am grateful and I’m angry too.
Thank you for letting me rant last night. I was in a pretty dismal space! Maybe the only way of coping is to recognise this could be a whole lot worse…
We’re on a spectrum, maybe somewhere in the middle where we can envy those healthier than us (with two breasts) but feel glad it’s no worse…
Norberte’s advice was very clear where we have to remember the two views in parallel but we mustn’t allow the negative side get too strong as it so weakens the positive side!

I think I’m trying to convince myself…
However, I do hear Elinda’s voice of coping with the very visible sleeve for lymphodeama. It must be a trial for so many of you…
Today I’m calmer and thank you all for your contributions.
I’m trying to think more clearly as to what I would like the final appearance of my body to be…
Is a reconstruction possible for me versus would having a symmetrical flat chest be an improvement???
Not wanting anymore surgery or hospital attention is the bottom line for me so I’m still left wondering what might be the second best preference???!!

14

Hi Ladies

I’ve read all your posts and can really relate to a lot of the feelings that are being experienced by you all and thought I’d like to share my experience with you.

I had my mx 11 years ago (aged 36) and some of you may have seen my recent posts when I was frantically trying to decide whether I should go ahead with implant reconstruction that was scheduled for 1st July 2011. I’d always thought I’d have reconstruction eventually and so regarded it as ‘work in progress’ rather than accepting that this is how I would look for the rest of my life. However, it had never seemed to be the right time to have the procedure carried out and when I finally made an appointment to go ahead I looked on the forum (hadn’t been on for a long time) to get a feel for what it was like. Some of the posts really made me re-consider whether I truly wanted to go ahead bearing in mind the pain and disappointing results that many people seemed to experience. I really felt I was mentally in a ‘now or never’ situation.

I finally decided not to go ahead and can honestly say that it has given me peace of mind. I’ve now accepted that this is how I look and now feel able to move forward positively - trying to buy clothes, etc, that suit the way I look rather than just making do for now. It has taken a long time for me to get to this point and I wish you all well and ultimately peace of mind with whatever you decide but for me, acceptance and deciding to move forward positively has been a great relief.

Deciding how you would like to look eventually is a huge decision bearing in mind the surgery involved but as I have lived breastfree for 11 years I’ve obviously learned to accept how I look and I know that to have a mismatched/failed ‘boob’ would be much worse for me than no breast at all.

Good luck to you all in making the right decisions for you xxx

15

I had a bilateral mx in Feb last year with expanders, it took me ages to get used to the fact that I could not longer ‘feel’ anything and that I had these horrible ports under the skin. I have to say that now I don’t think about it at all, it’s just an issue when I wear a certain top and if I have to bend down to get something, you can clearly see one breast is really misshapen.

I think in my mind, I have to think that it was just tissue they took out, I am lucky enough to still have a little shape with the expanders though.

I did want to have the whole DIEP thing so that I could have my own tissue put back in, but to be honest I have gotten used to the whole no sensation and fake feel, that when I have my recon done later this year I will just opt for implants.

I have to look at things a different way, like at least I will not have saggy boobs…that is maybe my odd way of coping?! Sorry if any of this offends.

Paula xx

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This is REALY helpful everyone - thanks so much for being very frank.
I had left mx 2 months ago. Before the surgery I looked at loads of mx photos on the internet- many of those women just looked fantastic!Brave ,battle-worn and experienced,wiser with proof of their strength.I admire that so much - but will I be able to carry it off? It’s too soon to say.My brand new Stick -on falsie has given me a surprisingly big boost of confidence and peace of mind that I can do this.I wear strappy tops , I know it shows sometimes. But actually I am pretty proud of my self - stoopid 'cos I didn’t do anything , it was all thanks to the great NHS people! But I am,I have been ‘good’ about it all.
I’m a prof Sculptor so trust me here;- I really KNOW about beauty and Attractiveness in the figure.I’ve studied this for 30 years.
ANY shape can be sexy and beautiful.- the way a figure MOVES is what catches attention and provokes the imagination.
Even with a walking stick a figure can walk with grace and gentleness or confident command that makes the person seem strong and trustworthy.Your body language tells people a lot about how it could be between you.
Unless people are trained to ‘See’ the body realistically I assure you they DON"T !! I know that from teaching Figure Sculpture. People do NOT take in all the ‘bits’ -they get an Impression.
Dressed we can use trickery to create a shape - just as we did before with padded wired bras and flattering clothes! But it’s the way you move around in those clothes that makes you sexy rather than just well-dressed.
And naked ? Grace and calm are always lovely. A-symetric poses work best in sculpture , as does a fuller figure.Stretched limbs.
Good posture and interest in other people=sexy! Simples!
Some say good posture starts with the right attitude but I don’t agree. I know it can work the other way around. Experiencing and practising new ways of walking and especially of holding your shoulders will change your perspective-and the Impression you give.Dance classes , fitness , yoga, of course thats going to help . But just ‘acting’ new sitting postures at home - not even with a mirror will change how you look to other people.
I hate to think of anyone hating their bodies - especially after going through so much.
warm regards to all ,R

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Hi everyone, just coming up to 3 years since my left mx. Initially had immediate Igap recon, which unfortunately failed after 48hrs. So left hospital feeling on the one hand elated to be hopefully cancer free, on the other, trying to come to terms with the fact that I now only had one boob! Luckily for me my oh(ex!)wasn’t bothered in the slightest but I still struggled with my body image on a daily basis until one day I decided enough!I realised I was never defined by my breasts, none of us are, we are so much more. It’s not our breasts that make us the beautiful individual women that we are. Our strength and beauty comes from our ability to love, be loved,to care for, nurture and be nurtured in return. My main coping strategy was to just to tell everyone(I don’t mean random strangers!)much to the amusement of my friends! I figured that if I wasn’t going to feel uncomfortable about my body then why should I hide what had happened to it. This way I feel in control and actually now love my new quirky body, in fact my new man proudly calls me Geordie and Quirky, his take on pinky and perky!:slight_smile:
I do feel for you ladies struggling to adapt and you have my love and understanding, I only hope you will find the strength you already posses and begin to accept and even admire your new beautiful bodies.

Love Sandy xxx