Hi all. Anyone find day to day life a struggle? I know we are meant to be positive etc etc, but sometimes I find keeping up with the demands of 3 kids hard work. I feel I should just be constantly glad to be here and be grateful but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and emotional. Im 39, had chemo, wide local excision with lymph clearance, radio, herceptin & tamoxifen. Im tired and low. Ive not talked to many people about how I feel. My husband is good but not a talker and wouldnt recognise emotion if it bit his bum… xxx
YES!!! Normal life is a struggle even without chemo, but with it, it can be REALLY hard work.
A lot depends on how old your three are. If they’re littlies they will hardly change their full-on behaviour, whereas kids from 9ish upwards can be relied on a bit more to take on a special job for while mummy is poorly, even if it’s just getting mummy a drink of water.
As for how your husband is, my OH (we don’t live together but we’ve been together for a few years) just doesn’t DO talking about emotions, so I know just what you mean. I reckon they do have some of those E things buried deep inside but would rather be caught naked on the high street than be caught talking about feelings!
I don’t see why you expect yourself to feel grateful. Yeah, you’re here, but so is everyone else and they’re not having to leap around in gratitude. And “here” at the moment is bloomin’ hard work, so you go right ahead and feel fed up with just how flipping hard it is! Why do we always expect ourselves to be able to breeze through life-changing experiences without a second glance? Because we’re women, probably.
You might find it helpful to have a bit of a chat with the helpline. They’re not there just for the acute crises and right at the beginning of treatment, they’re there to give you a sounding board for trying to figure out how to get from one end of the day to the other.
I’ve had WLE, chemo, radio, still on Herceptin and Tamoxifen, and it’s a hard slog.
There’s a good article by Dr Peter Harvey about getting your head round life the world and everything after active treatment has finished which you might find really useful. I’m sure someone will come along with a link, but if you google his name +counselling +cancer, it’ll be pretty much first on the list.
I get rather cross when people say “well you have to be positive” and “you’re so strong” and “keep your chin up”, because that belittles the massive bomb that you’re still trying to deal with the fallout from. So you go right ahead and feel overwhelmed and emotional, even if just to acknowledge to yourself what you’ve been through so far, and are STILL GOING THROUGH. And then come on here and vent, whinge, moan, and eventually feel a little better because you know there are others who understand.
(Sorry for the waffling, feeling a bit verbose tonight. And also trying to talk to myself as well as to you. Sometimes I feel like a total fraud as I come out with lots of words of wisdom and ignore almost all of them myself!)
Hi Malteaser,
You have had such a lot to cope with these last few months, so give yourself a break…you say that you haven’t talked to anyone about how you feel, now is the time you need to gather round a few suportive friends to help take the burden from you. Especially a really practical help would be for you to have a break from the kids for a while, doesn’t have to be set in stone but mayb ask a few friends if they would step up ad give you some ME time. If you have played your diagnosis down, as I did…forever the strong woman…your friends will be totally unaware of how you are feeling and not perhaps offer help.
I had to give in as it turned out during rads as I found them so exhausting and my friends were mortified when they realised what effect it was having…I had a3 1/5 year old then and was 36.
One day I was so sound asleep that a friend came in and just left me a note and took the kids out for the day, a lovely thing for her to do but she was very cross that i felt unable to ask for help.
Call the helpline too, they are here for you to be used and perhaps they will have more practical advice for you, as I’m sure there is an organisation that will step in and help you with the children, not sure what the organisation is called, they will know though, i’m sure.
Luv and hugs sent to you, be kind to yourself and get some help, mayb another rout to take is your GP. I have found that they are invaluable if you see the right one.
Clare xxx
Morning Malteaser,
What wise words from CM, and Clare. Everything they say is so true. It sounds to me as if you could perhaps find proper Councelling a usefull outlet for you, and perhaps your husband. A place where you don’t have to protect others and you can focus on yourself. You could ring the Helpline and perhaps talk through Peer support for both you. You might find your GP’s practice might have Councelling available or ask your BCN what your Unit can offer.
It is so hard without children to think about…and they are so important to you …say YES to ALL offers of help. People DO so want to be involved in making things easy for you. I now wish I had been less independent
Hi there. This is my first post in the forums. I am currently having weekly taxol chemotherapy after FEC. I have 3 young children one a baby of 16 months. It has been a real struggle trying to be mum and. Oping with the side effects of chemo. The tiredness is awful. Thankfully I have good family support which is why I haven’t been on the forums before but I now feel it will be great to connect with others in my situation. At chemo I seem to only meet people with older grown up children. I am hoping we can help support eachother.
Hello Jex
Welcome to the forums, Im pleased that you have found the forums for support during this difficult time.
We also have a helpline that you may find very useful for support and information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 to 2.00.
Best wishes
June, moderator
Hi, I have 3 kids, yes I would get tired looking after 3 before this, now some days I cry with exhaustion at the thought of having to get through the day. I now have counselling, homeopathy and hypnotherapy, all care of a local hospice. My bcn referred me, and it has really helped.
There is help out there, sometimes finding it is hard. Depending on where you live there maybe a maggies or haven etc. near you, a lot of hospices also offer help and your gp could refer you.
Best of luck, please pm me as I really can empathise.
Best wishes
Ali
Hi everyone. Thanks for your comments. The tiredness of treatment is pretty unbelievable. I find myself sitting down at every opportunity and often don’t have the energy to do things I used to take for granted. My local hospice does accupunture treatments which they have recommended for after treatment finishes. My onc doesn’t like anything alternative to be done or taken during chemo. I am hoping to take the boys to the park this afternoon to enjoy this unseasonably wan weather we are having. Then back for more chemo tomorrow. Take care
Hi all,
Thank you all for posting and making me feel normal
I was only 32 diagnosed when my daughter was 5 months old. I’m halfway through chemo just finished 4xfec, I had a mascestomy and lymp node removal in November. I really can’t believe how my life has turn upside down since being diagnosed. And the hard thing for Me is no one fully understands how hard this is to go through especially with a child, expect those going through it. I feel guilty for not being able to look after my daughter, and the tiredness is unbelievable. Iv been quite positive about things but am hitting a brick wall slowly at the mo, my body’s really suffering with the chemo and hate what it’s doing to me. Im lucky Iv got a supportive family to help with my daughter. Anyway that’s my moan over with I’m sending you all big hugs and hope to hear from you all soon. Please feel free to moan back
Charlotte
can’t believe I haven’t found this site until now I have been having treatment for the past year and found things a struggle with my boys too, life as you all say is never the same again my youngest is now 2 and I feel like I’ve missed out on so much of his growing up that I didn’t with my other children. I feel terribly guilty about time spent in treatment and afterwards where I couldn’t take him out etc and do normal daily things. I was looking forward to this year being different but unfortunately things have taken a worse turn and so the guilt is back and alot of anger too
Hi girls
Just reading all your comments and they ring so true. I’ve been really determined to carry on as normal for the sake of my two boys - now 2 & 5 but now as I’m reaching the end of my herceptin & my annual scans are coming up I’m finding it very hard to carry on as I have been. I completely exhausted & whilst they probably enjoy extra cbeebies I worry that they will miss out.
Enjoy your day
Sx
Hi all. I agree with so many of the comments already posted. It’s bloody hard work. I’ve had WLE, chemo and radio and Herceptin and Tamoxifen are ongoing. My girls are now 9 and 5. My youngest also has Type 1 diabetes so needs additional care. It can be exhausting and like some above, I still beat myself up sometimes on the bad days. I have been very positive throughout so surely that makes me entitled to have the odd bad day, but it sometimes feels like in staying strong and getting on with things you do yourself no favours. Like the more you do, the more people expect of you. I finished my radio 2 weeks ago and have already got work on my back pushing for a return date. I know some work through the treatment, but it’s difficult to rest as you’re advised to with little ones around so getting your stamina back and getting over the fatigue takes time. And yet I still feel the need to justify myself to people. Crazy!
Hi, it’s really amazing and sad all at the same time that so many of us are all in the same position. I have four sons and was pregnant (with my fourth) when diagnosed. I have had 3 lots of Tax and 2 FEC, my last FEC is on wednesday this week. I am dreading it as I know I will feel sick for the next week or so, I also have to start discussing my mastectomy with my surgeon now, which I have put to the back of my mind.
I am very positive, but hate that I have no hair, had to have my baby early and am being careful about where I go in order to avoid sneezers and people who may give me a cold!!! - there, whinge over!!!
I don’t think it is possible to be normal at the moment. My “normal” is making sure I take my boys to school as much as possible and make sure I wear my wig and lipgloss every day.
Stay strong and smile X