Coping without her and with everything else

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Hi,

I’m 26 years old and just over 15 mths ago I lost my mum to breast cancer after a 7 year fight. The final stages where very quick in that she developed a brain tumor. She came to visit me in London in the August and a month later she had passed away, I wasn’t there when it happened.

7 mths later my best friend also lost her mum to cancer, not breast cancer but an agressive liver cancer, she lived for 4 mths from diagnosis and now my mum’s brother has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. It just feels like I can’t escape it and people around me just keeping getting hurt by it.

I miss my mum all the time and I know that is natural, although I know I play a denial game, since she passed away I know I have thrown myself into work, into my hobbies and often occupying myself with my friends problems so I don’t have to face my own. People have complimented me on how well I’ve handle everything and that’s just it I’m not entirely sure I have. A month after she passed away I had a bad accident in Germany and fractured my eye socket, after that I spent a week crying solidly but other than that I’m not sure I’ve ever really faced my emotions opting instead to bury them and ignore the pain.

The news about my uncle came through today and its just brought all the things I bury deep inside to the surface. After going through it all with mum and then with my friend I’m just not sure I have the energy to go through any of it again with my uncle.

I don’t know whether this makes sense but I’m just so tired of missing her and of always seeing the holes in my life where she’s not there to talk to, to guide me, to be my best friend cause that’s what we were, we talked about everything, there were no secrets. Sometimes I just want to hibernate and just let the world slide away seeing no real purpose in it. I’ve become a pro at fake happiness.

Do others feel like this and how do you get through it?

Cat

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Dear Cat

It sounds like you are having a very diffiuclt time. If you would like to talk to somone confidentially, breast cancer care offer a telephone help line which provides support. The number is 0808 800 6000 the line is open Monday - Friday 9am - 5pm, Saturdays 9am - 2pm.

You may also find help through Cruse Bereavement Care this is a charity that specialises in bereavement, they offer counselling and support to anyone effected by a death.

Helpline 0870 167 1677
Email: helpline-at-cruse.org.uk
General Email: info-at-cruse.org.uk

Hope this of some help to you at this difficult time .

Kind Regards
Katie

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Hi Cat

So sorry that you have had to face so much in such in such a short time.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November last year - it was all my nightmares come true - I have always had a fear of developing cancer, due mainly to the incidence of it within my family. The last thing i want to do is depress you - but I have indicated below the incidents I have had to face - and tried to explain how I coped with them (mostly).

I lost a close aunt to breast cancer over 20 years ago, then my mum passed away from bowel cancer in 1990 - this devastated me immensely, I was 29 at the time and my eldest daughter was just 4. In 1995 my first husband, my eldests father, passed away from lung cancer, my sister in law passed away in 2002 from lung cancer and another sister in law is currently battling cervical cancer.

My youngest daughter is now 9, the same age my eldest daughter was when her father died, and, on my dark days, I so fear for not seeing her grow up.

It does take time to come to terms with any bereavement - I still miss my mum tremendously and talk to her all the time - but I have to accept the fact that she was very ill towards the end, and I would not have wanted to see her suffer any more - compared to what she was going through I consider where she is now is a better place.

My husbands passing was very quick, he had never been ill, he was fine on the Friday morning, developed a bad headache friday afternoon, saw a doctor who admitted him to hospital, and he died the following day. Again, I have to look on this as a blessing, as he did not suffer at all - and my daughter remembers him as a ‘well and happy’ father. She misses him far more than I do I think, but the pain had lessened with time.

I think sometimes you have to take a step back and consider yourself in the grand scheme of things I do believe that you are burying everything, and I would suggest that yu take up Katie’s suggestion of using the counselling service here. I’m not sure how you feel about discussing things one to one, but perhaps the phone line will keep it a bit more ‘impersonal’ thana face to face session - this sometimes helps I find - I tend to break down in a face to face situation.

I do hope that you manage to deal with all this - and that you find some way of dealing with your grief.

take care

margaret x

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Hi Cat

I was 27 when I lost my mum and, like you, I missed her so much that I actually felt physical pain for quite a while after she died. I also went into denial and just couldn’t cope with anything to do with cancer. She died in 1982 at the age of 46 and in 1995 (at the age of 40) I also got breast cancer and I just wasn’t prepared for it because I had been in total denial but that was what was right at the time for me and the only way that I could cope with it.

The one thing that I look back on now (and I still miss my mum after all these years and the fact that she never saw any of her grandchildren) is that I was so lucky to have a mum who I had a special and close relationship with as I know that not every mum and daughter have that. She would have been 74 this year and I just can’t get my head round that as she’ll always be 46 to me.

It will take time - I think it took me a good 2 years before I felt that I could ever be happy again and not crying. When I read your post it just brought it all back to me because I felt exactly the same way as you do.

Take care.

Pinkdove
x

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Cat, feel so sorry for how you are feeling. I have three daughters and three sons. I am extremely close to my daughters. If they have a problem it’s me they come to and they always seem to feel I can sort it. My problem is if I die how on earth will they cope. That is the major worry for me, that they will be sad and it will always spoil happy moments in their life. I desperately don’t want this. I worry so much on the effect it might have on them. They are in their twenties like you. I can’t bear the thought of them feeling like you do. Please try to get on with your life it’s what I would want for my girls. I bet your mum would too. Your uncle may be ok. I want the girls to remember me and laugh about me I do not want them getting depressed. I know I can’t stop it but perhaps your mum would have felt like I do. If this feeling persists perhaps you could have counselling or a course of anti-depressants. They worked wonders for me. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Love Eileen

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Hi Cat
Reading your post and crying. It will be 4 yrs in March since i lost my mum to breast cancer and extensive neck and lung secondaries. I still miss her so much. I was saying to a friend yesterday just how much she meant to me. Time though does change things. The pain is still there obviously as i have said i still miss her but you learn to cope. We have too dont we?
Cancer was something i had been surrounded with so obviously getting it myself was so so hard.

One of my sayings is ‘I just have to cope’ and we do have to. We have to find ways of dealing with our loss and ways of enjoying life. I do truly believe though its never the same again once you loose your mum.

Like Eileen says above my 3 girls would be devastated if i die. They brush my cancer under the carpet and to them i am cured. thats how they cope. It doesnt help me but they depend on my so much and in many ways i love them depending on me.

Thinking of you
Ruthxx

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Hi Cat, I think what I’m going to say may sound harsh but, as you are finding out for yourself, life is tough. Cut yourself some slack. You have dealt with each dreadful situation as best you could in the way you saw fit at the time. It sounds to me like you have coped with tremendous bravery and strength of character. Not everybody has to break down in a fit of wailing and sobbing at every sad situation. It is not necessarily the best thing, don’t let other people’s idea of grief make you feel you are coping in ‘the wrong way’. I see it as very important to sometimes hold it together and stay in control during those crisis times. It is a very POSITIVE thing. It doesn’t mean that you have been ‘in denial’ when your grief comes flooding back long after the event. It only means that it can, and as you can see from other stories on this thread does, take a very, very long time to get used to loss and sadness. You have dealt very well with a huge amount of sadness in your young life. The pain will stay with you for a while, but it will get better. Give it time. I’m thinking of you. xx

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Thank you all for your messages.

I really appreciated what Chalee said about how grief coming later on doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve been in denial. I guess that was something that was playing on my mind, was I burying my thoughts and feelings and pretending to cope or have I actually been coping.

My mum’s sister is coming to London this weekend, we’re meeting for lunch and I’m going to have a chat with her about the situation with my uncle and things.

I guess the hardest thing I’m realising is that their is no set pattern to mourning and grief and I’ve just got to take every day as it comes.

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Hi Topcat,

I totally empathise with your experience of grief, although I haven’t been experiencing it as long as you. I’m 27 and my mum died in November (fairly suddenly, I’d only been on here a couple of days before asking about alternative therapies.)

I feel I don’t know how to grieve - and I know that everyone has different experiences but it would just be so comforting to know I’ll feel better. On good days I know everything passes, but on bad days, it seems like such a struggle to function. I feel I coped really well for the 2 and a half years my mum was ill, life went on, hardly let it get me down, but now it feels that I’m suffering two years of pent up emotion all at once.

Like you, I just keep busy and get on with it. I know it’s early days for me and I’m almost ashamed that I don’t go around crying all the time because people seem concerned that I’m in denial. But I rarely need to cry at work because it takes my mind off it (I’m a teacher). Also, I’m a bit concerned that people at work would think I couldn’t cope anymore if I cried all the time. People are very kind but it does feel like they’re watching me to see what bereavement’s like. I don’t find it particularly hard to hold it together - like you, I’ve been used to ‘fake happiness’ for the last couple of years. But on the inside I’m screaming ‘my mum’s just died and no one understands’. I only really cry with my boyfriend (who’s kind but rather uncomprehending). I don’t want to burden my dad or siblings.

Chalee’s comment about holding it together has made me realise that actually can be a good thing and I’m not heartless because I refuse to go to pieces. I just wonder whether people who go to pieces in the beginning are better off in the long run than those who ‘cope’ and just soldier on. I do know that I’ll be happy again, but I’m frightened that underneath, I’ll always be haunted by this grief.

I really feel for you that you’ve had so many terrible things happen lately. I have a friend who’s come through losing 3 parents (dad, step-dad, mum) in her teens and is happy and ok, she is my inspiration when trying to cope with all this. People can be amazingly strong (I know I’ve surprised myself). It just seems such a slog to keep it up sometimes!

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Hi Everybody,

Lost my mum in Sept last year to Lung cancer, it was all very sudden and now finding it harder now to deal with.
She was 65 yrs old, and she was my best friend.
I’m 36 yrs old and found a lump on my breast on Sunday, saw my GP on Monday and will refer me to the BC.
Don’t think i can cope with this and worry about terrible things happening to me.
I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but can’t help it.

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Hello all,

sorry to hear all your sad stories. Thought I’d share mine with you in the hope it helps. My mum died coming up 4 years ago, when I was 25 - she was 61. It wasn’t breast cancer, but something like bowel cancer, which was being masked by another condition - consequently she died very quickly after diagnosis and nobody was prepared. 2 weeks after being taken into hospital with problems, 3 days after formal diagnosis, no time for any treatment, which had been scheduled for later in the week.

At the time I felt quite numb, yes I cried occasionally, but held it together as much as possible for my dad, because he looked so lost without her. I did a reading at the funeral without falling apart, because I could almost feel her standing behind me saying, “speak up, slow down, look at the people you’re talking to and for goodness’ sake enunciate your words clearly”!

About 6 months to a year and a half afterwards was the hardest time for me, but it’s different for everyone. I still have a little ‘moment’ from time to time, a weep or a rant, but often I find myself actually smiling whilst crying, because I’m remembering something happy - that feels OK and is quite calming really.

So many things I want to talk to her about, as I imagine you want to talk with your own mums. Talk to them anyway, just imagine that they’re there; you never know, just because they can’t answer doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t listening.

Love,
AnnaBell

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oh i really feel for all of you going through this very hard time at the moment. just to say that this morning i heard that my dear sister who was in recovery from bowel cancer has been told she has a spread to her liver and pelvis, she is taking things very hard as she was assured that she was in remission, its hard to stay posetive as i myself have battled breast cancer and am due for a c t scan on another area in my other breast, i think you have to go with the flow and on days when its hard to cope just take time out to grieve and remember the loved one as they were ,thats not to say you wont always feel like something is missing as it is ,but time is a great healer as they say. but for me i lost a wondeful freind 2 yrs ago and the pain is still as raw. sending all love .lynn x