Hi, I recently abandoned my holiday early (camping and a festival down in Devon) because I felt that I couldn’t cope. I don’t know if this was a crisis in confidence that there were lots of new people about and I felt that they weren’t meeting the ‘real’ me, instead a low energy, more overweight, very short-haired version, or just that I was over-tired and it magnified the emotions.
I have been working most of the time through treatment, (which started September and finished 15th June) but have got back to full-time, full output since finishing. I had had a busy couple of days at work (9hr overtime in the space of 2 days) then 1 day off to sort everything out before going away on the Thursday. Plus the interrupted sleep due to camping didn’t help.
I had my first crisis on the Saturday night, but just thought it was a blip, but then had a full blown ‘need to go home’ crisis on the Tuesday night. I drove back on Wednesday and spent most of Thursday sleeping (15hr out of 24). Although I don’t post on the forum, I read it a lot and the fact that I couldn’t get access didn’t help.
I really didn’t think much about the emotional effect that this holiday would have and wonder if it was too much too soon. I now dread going into work and people asking if I had a nice holiday.
I have another similar break coming up over the bank holiday weekend (Thu - Tue) and wonder if I should just not go, go for part of it, or if there is anything I can do to prepare myself to cope better. I did manage a weekend away sailing 3 weeks ago which went OK, probably because I knew everyone. I feel if I don’t do stuff I will turn into a recluse living on my own with my two cats (I’m only 35 and not ready for that yet), but I don’t know if I can cope with this whole confidence thing with people I don’t know.
Sorry to rant, but I just wanted some advice as to how people have coped with this kind of thing.
Oh Jen how awful for you. Obviously I am not a professional but it sounds to me like what you experienced was a panic attack. Have you seen a counsellor at all, or could you? I am (through the cancer care centre at my hospital) and whilst she is not a miracle worker I have found it helpful to talk things through with her.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with sticking in your comfort zone for the time being - don’t feel you have to push yourself to do things that make you anxious. I have said no to occasions that would have involved meeting new people as I just didn’t feel up to it, instead I have stuck with my family and close friends that I feel at ease with. Another thing my counsellor has helped with is giving me “permission” to say no to things. I always worry I would offend people, however I am learning to put myself first and not do something if I don’t feel up to it.
As for worrying about people asking about your holiday, you don’t have to tell them the truth if you don’t feel like it! You could just say “It was lovely, thanks” and then quickly change the subject or ask them something like “have YOU got any hols planned” or say something like “but hey ho, here we are back at work again!” to discourage going into any further detail. I have tried this technique in a number of ways and it does work very well.
I am sure the helpline would be able to advise you too. I’m sorry you are going through this. Very best wishes to you xxx
Hi Squeak,
I am sure you are far from alone in feeling like this. My treatment began last September too amd ended mid-May. My first overnight away from home was with a very close friend who had seen me with very little hair already and who was happy to go with the flow. A few weeks later I had a short break on my own (I too live alone and have just got a cat!) and remember driving the two hours feeling very anxious - what if this, what about that… fortunately I was fine. In a fortnight from now I am due to have a week-long break with my bestest walking (an in long distance stuff) buddy but this year just taking it easy as I didn’t know when we booked how I might be by now. And yes, I am a bit apprehensive it has to be said.
Like you I’ve worked all through most of my treatment, and ‘work’ folk have been great at coping - often better than other friends and family.
I think you are allowed a crisis of confidence - this disease eats confidence for breakfast! Also from what I’ve read, fatigue can appear quite a while after treatment ends, just when you think you’re through it all. I also think you are doing exactly the right thing in taking it a step at a time. I was glad my first break was only 2 hours from home, ‘just in case’. Perhaps you can go on your Bank Hol break telling yourself before you go that can leave early if you want to, then maybe it’ll feel less like a failure? I know my first group hike was advertised as having options of 6, 9 or 12 miles and I went intending to do the six, but then at each break point felt fine and did the lot. Achieving more than my target gave me a real boost but I wuold have been content with the short walk.
As for people asking about how your holiday went - I wonder how many of them have abandoned holidays for various reasons? Is there someone you can trust enough to tell how it was and they can fend others off for you? I think I might be tempted to say one or two good things (if there were any!) but add that ‘d’you know what I was really glad to get home again.’
I know they say change is as good as a rest, but sometimes a proper rest is the only thing that will do and camping is NOT restful!
I think you did the right thing to pack up and go home. You clearly needed the sleep if nothing else, never mind being anxious about having so many new people around to deal with. Meeting new people can be pretty stressful, particularly if your confidence has been knocked, so don’t feel bad that you couldn’t just ignore all that’s happened to you recently (including the tiredness from working overtime!). As suggested, perhaps counselling could be worth trying. Sometimes we’re so hard on ourselves (worst culprit on the planet here!) and it helps to have another uninvolved person to help you see things in perspective. I know you have us to let off steam at, but counsellors also have learned tips and tricks they can pass on to help us cope with all that life throws at us. And not just the crap, but the good stuff life throws at us as that also needs to be dealt with.
For your next break could you give it a go, but give yourself permission to leave early if you’re finding it too much. It’s not “all or nothing”, so take it easy and see what happens, and even if you have to come home early then it’s no big deal. As with so many things to do with this blasted disease you need to just take baby steps. (That goes for RevCat too, that’s a lot of walking, but I guess you do have to stride a bit. If you tried to do 6 miles in baby steps you’d be still half way up a mountain at Christmas!)
Hi Squeak,
Well I think you did jolly well to attempt the holiday and don’t feel bad that it was a step too far too soon. You have been through a lot, meeting new people is tiring at the best of times . There is nothing wrong with cutting the holiday short - I’m sure the people at work will understand and to be honest it wont be long before they switch topics onto their ‘holiday from hell’ tale. Be kind to yourself, don’t expect too much too soon.
cheers
Caroline
You’re obviously someone who gets up and does stuff and doesn’t milk the bad times - working through chemotherapy, planning a holiday so soon after treatment has finished. It sounds as though you’ve been pretty tough throughout, and now, if I may say, perhaps you’re being a little tough on yourself.
I think it’s admirable to attempt a holiday at your stage. Cancer treatment is exhausting. The change in appearance is disorientating. You should feel extremely proud to have come through it still standing, with so much staying power.
Is the plan to go to the next festival with friends? Even if not, I think you could still go and enjoy it. Perhaps telling people about it you may feel better? If people are worth their weight, they’ll sympathise.
Give yourself a proper break to recover - lots and lots of sleep. Your body has some catching up to do! Maybe you’ll feel differently at the end of the month, there’s still time. Don’t spend time worrying about it, just see how you feel nearer the time. You only have to do what you want to do, that’s the beauty of living alone! Sometimes I miss it.
Hi,
Thanks for all your support, I think I am gradually pulling myself out of the low patch, although I may ask my BCN about local counselling services.
I’ll see how I feel about the next trip, as you say give myself the option of leaving early if I need to. Fortunately the next trip there will be more people I do know, some really close friends who have seen me at various stages of treatment, and my little godson who always brightens things up. Although there will be others that I haven’t seen before all this kicked off so could be a bit weird, but I shouldn’t feel surrounded by strangers.
Initially I thought it was good to come across people who didn’t know about the treatment, as it wouldn’t dominate their view of me, but they also then don’t know to make allowances, so it is a mixed blessing.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and try not to worry too much. I was dx last march aged 36 and had lumpectomy, chemo and rads. In September 2010, between chemo and rads, I went to Wales for 5 days with my husband and sons. I had quite a few funny turns which I had not previously suffered from. everything would go into weird slow motion and a weird adrenalin went through my body, there was an odd smell and it felt like I was having deja vu, that I had been in that exact place doing that exact thing before. It was really unsettling.
However, looking back now I feel that it was because I had stepped away from the secure" normal" I had had since dx, I was in a strange place, my friends and other family weren’t there, my doctors weren’t there, I wasn’t physically 100% and life was just disjointed. I have had similar flashbacks on a couple of occasions since, during stressful times like when an oncology appt is due. I know now that it’s just my mind reacting, and it’s not a problem, it’s just odd. But I feel pretty much my old self, I have taken trips since with just friends, just family, in the uk and abroad, and have been fine.
Don’t worry too much if you can help it. Cancer sucks but you are at the best end of the treatment now so try and accept the transition your mind is playing in getting used to the lull after it’s been occupied holding itself together for months!
Sorry you got so tired and overwhelmed Jen, I do think you need a darned good rest.
For the bank holiday trip I’d suggest you go by the day but don’t camp, get yourself off-site at night to a nearby B&B so you can sleep and escape and get properly clean. I know it’s short notice but it can be done, I did that for Greenbelt a few years back and it was a good compromise. I couldn’t face the thought of my old tent - which leaks in any case - getting tripped over and knocked down at 3am; I need my sleep or I get really freaky. Also take a few days totally off the hook to recharge by yourself maybe a spa type weekend? This business of being ill is hard work you know!