some of you may remember I had a lumpectomy a few months ago and am due for a mastectomy as the lump was not benign as they thought… Well I have just had a fab week in Tunisia with my friend and our little girls and managed to forget all about the impending mastectomy (still dont have a date for it) and also managed to somehow loose all control on reality and my usual cynical attitide to flirting men on holiday and fall for a 25 year old Tunisian waiter ( I’m a YOUNG 38!!) He phones me every day and I just spend day after day pining for my holiday and him!! How utterly ridiculous - but SUCH an escape from reality!
Anyway Im not sure why - I just feel so so sad every night - once my daughter goes to bed Im obsessively looking on line for holidays back to Tunisia asap ( possibly subconciously trying to escape the op ?) and just sitting here at the pc sobbing… about what? I dont know … I just feel like my heart is breaking and I’m SO SO SO scared about the op… I feel like I’m going a bit mad really and I am a very confident, together business woman usually. cant stop longing to see this young man again ( he keeps phoning and texting ! … part of me thinks - oh you only live once - get out there and have another week of fun - the other part of me screams ‘green card alert’ ) Im an emotional wreck . I dont know what I can do to snap out of this really … does anyone else spend every evening alone and in tears?
Dear Jenny
I am sorry to read that you are feeling so alone and sad at the moment, please give our helpliners a call for a ‘listening ear’ if you need someone to talk things through with, they will have time to listen to you and talk about ways to help you to cope during this difficult time. The line opens at 9am-5pm weekdays and Sat 9am-2pm on 0808 800 6000.
Best wishes
Lucy
thanks Lucy - but Im not sure that anyone can make me feel better at the moment - I feel in a bit of a dark place 
you have the post holiday blues big time. Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are letting go of alot of big emotions- its better to let it out. ask your bcn if you can talk to someone. I had counselling when I had my treatment and found it soooo helpful.
Hope you feel a little better soon- you are not alone in this
lots of love
sam
holiday blues BIG TIME - feel a tad better today - but still obsessing about the lovely Tunisian man!
Jenny, I have seen him! I would be obsessing too he is gorgeous!
I wanted to say to you that mum had her mastectomy and re construction on both breasts yesterday and I know how scared you are, well what I want to say is that she was up out of bed today, make up on and not in hardly any pain. She is doing so well she hopes to get home tomorrow. I guess I am trying to say I know you are so scared and that is natural. Mum said the day before her op she had a moment of sheer terror but it has not been anywhere near as bad as she expected. I hope my post might have helped you, even if only a tiny bit.
Love Jules xxx
Tell mum to take baby steps when home from hospital…as all the strong drugs will wear off
sal
Thanks Mally, I will but she’s one tough cookie (with a soft centre just like a chocolate)!! and trys to ignore she has cancer and carry on as normal…she leaves me exasperated at times but I love her to bits!!! lol bless her!!! xxxx
Heya Jenny,
I don’t blame you wanting to run off back to Tunisia. I mean it’s not even like the british weather is making any serious attempt at summer to cheer you or anyone else up is it.
I too had a moment of pure panic before the op (the day before) and was literally demanding to know when I could go home before they’d even found my bed. Jokes were made about how long they could hold me. 2 days it turned out.
You’ve had a real shock, a superb break from the shock in the form of some great old fashioned (or not 
fun. Who in their right mind would *want* to do the surgery vs the lovely man. You’re sane.
But the op isn’t that bad, you will have to adjust to a new body image but after 4 months I’m personally finding that nowhere near as hard as I thought and I’m doing fun things again and living through all this and actually enjoying a lot of my time. I hope you will too, one day at a time, and a little romance isn’t so bad, but I wouldn’t ignore the little voice shouting green card just in case 
Lots and lots of love
Angie (33, completely flat chested and still laughing from watching wall-e at the cinema this eve… this is life, it’s not just OK, it’s fun)
Hey Jenny
How are u???
Didn’t want to read and run…
The waiting is THE WORST time hun i promise, you need a date set so you know whats going on…I’d get on that phone and get their asses moving!!
I’m sure ur feeling very vunerable and alone right now and if i was you i know where i’d rather be…BUT, you can’t run away from it all sadly as having this op is soooo important not only for you but for ur daughter too…
Try and stay strong, keep us updated and keep chatting to your man and plan a trip once all this is over…
Lots of love to you.x.x.x.x.x…
Jenny
Sounds like a great holiday and we all need to escape reality at times, but reality is not always as bad as we may think and honestly the mastectomy will be ok, I was only in hospital for 2 days and healed really quickly and you do get used to your new image. I know you are in a dark place right now but remember things will get better and you will get through the dark times and be laughing again soon. Night times are lonely but try to focus on all the positives at the moment like your daughter and friends and the fact you pulled a younger man(way to go) and once the operation is done i’m sure you will feel better.
Stay strong and keep positive, I’ve been writing a diary and I find it really helps with the negative thoughts.
Big hugs and positive thoughts.
lots of love
xxx