Custody of child - need advice. This is a follow-up to my last thread: Relationship breakdown.
Thanks to advice received here I spoke to my fiance and said our relationship is in serious trouble and I think we need to attend couple counselling, at least for the sake of our daughter. He agreed but then started going on about how everything is my fault. So I said, "We’ll discuss it tomorrow but I need to know one thing. If we can’t resolve our differences and have to go our separate ways would you challenge me for custody of Robyn? He said, “Too right!”. I was shocked. I pulled everything back to a calm, adult level and said, “I need to know you are serious.” And he said, “I am. She’s my world.”
So, the focus has shifted and I am terrified. I can’t lose her - it would destory me. The problem is, I have a history of depression and am scared he will use this, plus my breast cancer, against me. I have struggled to look after her lately due to fatigue but she has never been neglected. I have support mechanisms in place for when I feel too tired to be a ‘good mum’.
Can anyone offer advice? What sorts of things do the courts look at? Does the fact that she is a girl make a difference? She is only a baby (22 months). I don’t think it’s right that she is without her daddy on a daily basis but surely she needs her mummy?
He may just be calling my bluff but should I be speaking to a lawyer now, just in case?
Thanks
Lola x
I am sorry you have this on top of everything else. I think you would be sensible to seek legal advice. Start with the Citizens Advice Bureau, which is free.
If you can get to family counselling, do so - it may help you both.
yes please take legal advice Hi Lola,
Please do get some legal advice and as Phoebe says a Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to start.
Have you got family and freinds around to help you at this hard time? Couple counselling (Relate are very good) could also help you but I think you need to run the legal information alongside any personal counselling you and your partner have.
veyr best wishes
Jane
Hi
As a Family Law Solicitor do seek advice. Most solicitors offer an initial interview free. Try to see someone who is a specialist, they should be members of the Law Society’s Family Panel or of Resolution, just go into Google and you will get their website. I have just looked at your profile and see that you are in Scotland so your legal system is slightly different.
The Courts will however look at what is in the child’s best interests, which parent is able to meet her day to day needs and who does this at the moment. If for example your partner works full time a court would be unlikely to take the view that she would be better off being cared for by a third party whilst he was at work as opposed to a parent who was there and readily available
best wishes whatever you decide to do
Kathryn
Thank you. Thanks very much Phoebe, Jane and Kathryn.
I called my sister in tears the evening after I posted here and she said most men threaten to challenge their partners for custody initially but don’t normally follow it through.
If it comes to a separation I would consider joint custody as long as that is not detrimental to my daughter.
Things have calmed down somewhat. My head has been in a ‘weird’ place lately and I have decided to return to work, let the land settle and see how things go.
Thanks again.
Lola x
Ive been a social worker for over 20 years and I’m also the divorced mother of one child. To start with, since the Children Act came in, there is no such thing as custody. You and your fiance both have full parental responsibility for your daughter. There would have to be something very wrong before a court would decide to remove your child from your care. The fact that your fiance does not want to be without her would not be an adequate reason. It would be better if you could sort things out amicably or via conciliation. Even in a divorce, the court only wants to know who the child will live with and where, and what the contact arrangements will be for the absent parent. If you refused to allow your fiance to have contact with your daughter, then they could make a contact order. A court can make a decision on what the contact arrangements should be. Courts will only make an order if they have to and only if the child will be better off with an order. The best interests of the child are paramount to the court. Courts will only get into other legal orders like Residence Orders if the child would be at risk without one. This type of order states where and with whom a child must live. This is often what people confuse with custody however they are rarely made in the case of parents separating. I’ve tried not to get bogged down in jargon and I hope this helps a bit. As other people have said, speak to CAB or get a free half hour with a solicitor. They will explain the legal situation. I know it’s hard but try not to worry too much.
Regards
Geraldine
PS I’ve worked with people who’ve had much worse difficulties than depression and their children still have n’t been removed. By that I don’t mean to minimise depression but I’ve worked with people with significant drink and drug problems, mental health issues like schizophrenia, etc, and it does not automatically mean that a person can’t adequately care for their children.
And I’ve suffered with despression in the past, and still managed to care for my son.
Geraldine
For Geraldine Thank you very much for your post. I read your other one, too.
Things calmed down then exploded again. DF agreed this evening that it is probably better that we split. We were yelling at each other, as usual, and my daughter who is only 22 months started to scream, as if she was trying to drown us both out. Even at her tender age it is clear she knows something not nice is going on.
It is comforting to know that it becomes easier with time and also that ‘custody’, as such, isn’t an issue. As long as it would not be detrimental to my daughter I would be happy to share her parenting equally and to keep the courts out of it. I’m sure my partner feels likewise.
My only concern is what happens when she is older and is at school. If she spent equal time with both parents would this make her unsettled? What about getting up for school?
Does she need the routine of being in one place regularly to make her feel secure? Or are two secure homes just as good as one?
I’m really clueless when it comes to the psychological side or relationship breakdown. I’m by not any means naive (lone parents form a large part of my client group) but, for some reason, no-one in my immediate circle has experience of this.
I’m sure I’ll be back here often with more questions, but thanks very much for your input.
Lola x
hi again, my son spends time during most holidays with his dad and lives with me the rest of the time. This is what he has been used to for 12 years and people have commented to me about how balanced and well adjusted he is. Like all kids he would rather his parents were still together but he knows we both still love him and he has his own space in both homes. His dad has lived in Scotland for several years and we are in the North east of England. When his dad still liuved down here, my son had his own room at his dad’s home and went to school from there on the days he was staying with his dad. As he also spent time staying with grnadma, during holidays when I was working, it just was n’t a big deal. I know several single mums who share the care of their kids with their partners and the children are fine. As long as the adults can sort things out reasonably, children adapt very well and can be just as settled as a child whose parents aree still together. My mother has been married and divorced twice and I remember what it was like to live in a housheold with 2 adults who did n’t want to be together. I remember the rows and the fights, even though they thought I was in bed and did n’t know about it. I know which environment was the worst to live in.Anyway, hope you get everything sorted out. I’m sure you will and you’ll come through it okay. And so will your daughter.
Regards
Geraldine