Hi!
Do you think that some of these men who seem SO insensitive are actually bloody terrified of what might happen to their family, especially if it involves young children, and the role(s) they might have to play? They can’t say that’s how they feel because that wouldn’t be macho, and anyway they might get back the response “well if your terrified what the hell do you think I am!” Of course many of them go from being molly coddled by their mothers to needing the same treatment in their relationships and they can’t cope if that aspect breaks down - even temporarily.
As Nancy Astor once said - “All women marry beneath them!!”
Hi Irene the eyes were awful sore but getting better by the day …not an operation I would care to repeat however .If the tumours return i will have to have grafts he stiched them this time but cant do that again so fingers crossed .Going through a really bad time at the mo with loads of stuff so wont go on c u soon xxxx
Well it took me ages to get registered on this site and now I am so glad that I carried on and worked out how to do it “chemo brain”. I feel so much better to know that I am not the only one who is having problems with the OH, and yes I did think about replying to his ad but know what a ??? he can be.
Went for my chemo today and told no blood count too bad, so due next week for another go, fingers crossed, I have to have 5 more chemos (4 sessions and then the day 1 day 8 three weeks off) last chemo was due 24 Oct, I talk to my blood every time it goes away for testing to tell it to be right as i am on a time scale and I have to get well and get a job, still never mind tears dont make it better just got to get possitive again in the mind.
Take care Ladies and all you nice men xxxxxxx
I know there are some selfish bastards out there, just reading the stories make me mad, but would just like to say I was in the middle of divorcing my husband when I was diagnosed with lobular breast cancer and ended up with bilateral mastectomies and recon. I was finally divorced in May 2005, bc dx March 2005. However, even though I dropped my husband from a great height when I decided to divorce him, he was absolutely fabulous all the time I was going through my treatment. My reconstruction went wrong and I had months of operations and further recon. But my ex was like a rock, always there, visited every day, bringing my boys up to see me, and just generally being there. We’re still great friends, he could have hated me, but he didn’t, he was as good as gold, so they’re not all bad. He’s still one of my best friends. Men just unfortunately aren’t all wired up the same, and just can’t do the whole emotional support thing. That’s why we’ve got all our fabulous girlfriends!!! My new partner is a lovely man, and is very kind and supportive, and I wouldn’t change him for the world, but he is not a “talker” either, and I don’t know how he would have coped if we had been together when my diagnosis was made. They’re just all so different I suppose.
I’ve been reading all of your posts and I agree that men don’t always understand but some of them are also very misunderstood!!! I’m coming from a slightly different perspective… my mum was diagnosed with BC in March and my dads havinga really tough time dealing with it. The atmosphere at home is awful, so much as that I’m never in the house anymore. My mum seems to think that my dad doesn’t care and from reading this thread I can start to understand a little of what she might be thinking, however, I was speaking to my dad today (he neve has been much of a talker) and he told me how worried he was, and how much he cares for my mum and loves her so much that he would never leave her. How can two people think so differently? I think that sometimes he just doen’t know what to say to her because she snaps at him a lot, which is understandable, he just can’t win sometimes. I’m in no way sticking up for my dad or slating my mum, I love her more than anything in the world and can’t even imagine what she is going through but maybe, as someone said in an earlier thread, my dad is just as terrified as she is!!! All she talks about is dying and divorce. I can’t imagine the latter ever happening and she is not going to die!!! I would do anything for my mum back to the way she was before, and I realise that I’m very selfish when I say that. Just a quick ramble really but I would hate to hear my dad being slated for trying his best. Maybe that’s just from being his only daughter 
I applaude all you brave women, I really do!!!
XxXx
Hi, just been reading this thread with interest. I have been married for 13 years and I have lost count of the amount of times I wanted to leave and should have left but always found an excuse - “when the kids are older” or he would manage to say something half nice or even manage not to say something nasty for a while and as my screen name suggests I tend then to bury my head in the sand and think things are okay - until the next time. I wont even go into the horrid things we have done and said to each other over the years but there aint many things a marriage can go through that we haven’t.
Funnily enough we were only saying a few months ago that we had survived most things so we must have something worth fighting for. Unfortunately I disagreed and told my hubby about 3 months ago that I had reached the end of the line. No big event to bring it on just run down with the fighting and decided that I would rather be alone than as alone as I have been during my marriage.
Then, whammy I was dx with BC on the 18th August and sat for a long time thinking - how does this affect my plan to leave after xmas? How will I know if anything that happens in the meantime is real - if he is too horrid or too nice?
In the last 3 weeks my hubby has had a personality transplant. He couldn’t be more loving and supportive - even held me and cried for his fear of losing me (he doesn’t do crying from either of us) and held me when I actually managed to cry more than one tear and that was in the middle of making love when the reality of the upcoming losing of my boob hit me). He’s prepared to talk about his feelings and initiates talks to see how I am and has spent time talking about ME not him. Has taken on the job of telling people. Has found comfort in talking to his best mate.
Whilst I know its only been 3 weeks and god knows we have had many 3 week honeymoon periods in our marriage followed by horrendous dark times I realised after my dx that this disease would make or break our marriage but not me. I am beginning to think this disease may have been some blessing on our marriage.
Ostrich. It was so weird reading your thread as it sounded just like me and mine. I really do hope this lasts, because when our OH’s behave as they should it is such a tonic with very possitive repercussions.
Sadly for me, my OH eventually slipped back to his old self and we are at present tolerating each other but he needs a dam good shake most days.
Fallenangle, sorry but your Dads best is not good enough. Why has he told you these things and not his wife? It annoys me when people make excuses for men, saying it’s in their nature to bottle things up, not express their feelings etc. Well why are they like that with the person they surposedly love, but can chat to others about it.
You need to tell your dad to swallow the stupid male pride thing, and tell your Mum just how he feels.
After all, she has been through hell and it’s no wonder she snaps at him if he can’t respond to her needs at a time like this.
Sorry to be blunt, look at it as tough love.
Take care
Irene.
Oh yeah and another thing, still waiting for him to ask me how my mammogram went this week. It’s on the calander but he is simply not interested in me or my illness or weather or not it has returned.
Hi Irene , How did it go …??? my OH doesnt even know when I have to go back to the hosp have 4 appts coming up and he is out of the country for two of them in November !!
Mazxx
I do wonder why I tolerate him and his moods. He’s been in one for days now.
Mamo was ok, unpleasant but I’ve experienced worse!
My dad is trying his best and yes it was harsh to suggest that he isn’t. It was my dad who rings the nurses everytime hes worried about my mum, it is my dad who sits by her side, it is him who makes her meals (even though he can’t boil an egg), and my dad who rushed her to hospital last night (against her stubborn will) to find that she is neutrapenic and has to stay in there for days, it his him who has driven 10 miles backwards and forwards from the hospital about 4 times today to make sure she has everything she needs and it is him that i hear crying himself to sleep at night when shes really ill in hospital… so I’m sorry but just because my dad feels like he doesn’t want to burden my mum further by talking about how he feels DOES NOT make him a bad person!!!
And I’m not sticking up for men… maybe some people have had bad experiences but not all men are the same.
Fallenangel, I have upset you, I am really sorry. I made my assumtion from your thread which was much briefer in explanation than your last follow up one.
Yes it sounds like he is doing loads to help and thats great. Yes if he is doing all this but finding it hard to burden your mum with his fears then thats good too. I got the impression that he wasn’t thats all.
It is really hard for you as you love them both. I was very close to my dad and would defend him to the ends of the earth, even though I knew he had faults as we all surely have.
My daughter is the same with her dad (my OH), she loves him so much she forgives all his annoying traits and that is how it should be.
I was coming to it from my own perspective, as the person going through this minefield called breast cancer. There is no doubt it has changed me, and I am bitter towards my OH as his selfishness drives me to distraction. No way was he as supportive as your dad, and if all I had to worry about was him not taking me to appointments I’d be a happy woman. My own problems go far deeper than I can discuss on here.
Also, I think I may have to start believing others out there that there are some good men supporting their wifes, sadly, I have seen far too much of the negative c**p personally, it’s hard to take that step back.
I hope things smooth out for you all, and once again, I apologise if I upset you, that was not my intention.
Irene
Irene,
No need to apologise! I understand why you might have thought that, and my dad has got many faults as most men have I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh with my reply, I think that just seeing my mum taken into hospital again was just too much and watching my dad start to realise just how ill she is and how much support she needs was a real eye opener for me.
To top things off when I went out to my car to visit my mum in hospital someone had broken into it causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage 
I know that it is irrelevent but I just wanted to give you a little bit of a picture of the kinda mood I was in
I think I just needed a little bit of a rant. You did not upset me, I do that easily enough by myself haha. I just can’t believe that women do not get the support they need from the men, and others, in their life when they need it the most. Some people are s**t!!!
My mums a little better, her hairs starting to grow back fluffy, she looks like a baby owl :). Thankyou for the reply, sorry for giving you the wrong impression… but much needed steam was let off I’m just so glad that my mum and dad have got each other!!!
Fallen angel
Irene - just seen your comments on the Liverpool Meet about separating from your husband. Do you feel relief or what ? In a way I am pleased for you - he really let you down especially at the weddding.
Much love to you
Liz xxx
Yes relieved, itching to move out now, prob thur or fri.
Irene
Hi Irene,
Just got back on line after my op and read this thread and thought - blimey. Glad you’ve found the strength to do this and wish you all the best for the future. Did you get the results of your mamo?
My hubby is continuing to be great and we had a lovely discussion today which you might find amusing.
We talked about how wonderful he has been whilst I have been in hospital (basically doing everything I do normally - house/kids/full-time job) and how I had come to be on the brink of leaving him a few weeks prior to my diagnosis. He explained that in a major crisis he will rise to the challenge and becomes “super hubby” and that once I am well he will sink back into “selfish hubby” and that after a few months of “selfish hubby” I will get all fed up and threaten to leave again and basically that is the circle of life and his prediction for our future.
He made no apology for the fact that he is normally selfish. Made no promises to change permanently. Assured me that in a crisis he will always step up to the plate.
He hasn’t changed. Why did I ever think he would? I don’t think I ever really thought he would, did I? At least he’s honest and I know whom I am with and what I am letting myself in for. The only unknowns are 1)what constitutes a crisis enough for him and 2) when will I be well enough for him to think that I don’t need “super hubby” anymore!
Hi Ostrich
Mamo fine thanks for asking, he still hasn’t!
Oh blimey, your OH is just like mine. I’m affraid there is only so much accepting their flaws when they are bloody great BIG flaws! Yes you know where you stand but standing in another place really isn’t that bad!
I have no regrets so far. I have had minor twangs when things have happened that have reminded me of happy times, and music can be a bit emotive, but I must say, I am happy with my decision.
I am at our house tonight as needed to pick up a few things, and our house is nr my work. I only work tue, wed, so after work tomorrow I’ll be driving on ‘home’!
Keep in touch.
Love Irene
Well I have made the decision to return to my home, and my OH! We have got to the bottom of a lot of our problems, and provided we both remember how painful this journey to realisation was, we should be ok again. He is making massive effort to be human. I am under no illusion that this may not last, but he seemed genuinely shocked at my leaving and was pretty devastated which hasn’t done him any harm at all.
I have also looked at myself and the fact that BC firstly weakened me, then turned me into a pretty hard b*****d. In the past I have also allowed him his silly quirky moods without comment, from now on, I will gently remind him what an arse he is then walk away. Hopefully this tactic will work. I do resent having to do this though so hopefully it won’t happen much if at all if he sticks to his side of the bargin, all should run smoothly.
Good luck all with you and yours.
Irene
Hi Irene,
Good to hear your news! Only you know whats right for you and your OH. I’ve stuck with mine through some horrid stuff and at the end of the day you have to do what’s right for you and you only. BC affects everyone, so I am learning, not that that gives them an excuse for being an uncaring bleep. My hubby is still being great but has gone from great - how are you, do you want anything, to being as busy as he can possibly manage and then falling asleep the minute he sits down. He IS having a very tough time at work at the moment and DOES still remember to ask how I am, nag me about taking it easy, ask how my oozy bits are etc and not pressure me re sex so all things considered he’s doing ok. Coping the only way he can right now.
Fingers crossed for you both, xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Irene i’m so glad your results came back OK, but I’m even more delighted you have decided to give your relationship another chancce.
I’m a husband and carer so I can look at this from the other side, but my story is not dissimilar to all of yours. I can be honest and tell you that there are times when I have a TOTAL B*****D to my wife. There have been times when I wanted to leave, when she wanted to leave, and I am ashamed to say when I wanted to end it all and couldnt face the future. I dont know what turned me this way but I glad that I am now in a better place.
Apart from periodic help form my wifes family I got no support at all to care for her or or 2 daughters, so this caused tremendous stress on us. On top of this I have a very stressful job, and add into this melting pot the fact that she was the one her family always turned to, a sort of mother figure to her brothers and sisters, which really pissed me off that she was trying to look after them but couldnt look after herself or us and you can see where the arguments came from.
But I am glad to say that I have went to see a counsellor which was a great release, though this is not the avenue some “male tough men” like going down. I have learned to relax more, have went self employed which allows me more time around the house, and I have learned to appreciate everything my wife has went through, how she handled herself and and how proud I am to be with her. She has often said recently that I am now a totally different person, more approachable and more eager to do more around the house. I have learned there are times when I have to put myself second or even third when I have to.
But I am proud to say that I feel better about myself and our relationship. But most of all I am really proud of my wife, it doesnt take much for me to realise that she is the superstar in the family, she is the one who has went through the really hard part of this, and that she is the one still trying to help everyone despite going through this. Oh she looks great while doing this.
All I can say is that I hope your ending is as good as ours
Best wishes
rmat01