Dating!

Hi everyone

Haven’t posted here for AGES as kind of feel I’ve been ‘getting on with things’, but just wondered if anyone is feeling like I do!

My story briefly - diagnosed at age 31 with grade 3 triple negative, mastectomy, diep reconstruction, chemo, radiotherapy. Then again in other breast at 35 - grade 3 triple negative, lumpectomy, chemo, SGAP reconstruction.

I’ve been single pretty much all the way through this but the relationships I have had seemed not to be affected by the whole BC issue. However this year I’ve met two men, both of whom swept me off my feet and both of whom decided they couldn’t deal with the fact that I’d had breast cancer twice.

Now I KNOW in my heart of hearts that they are therefore not worth being with and I know there are lots of happy stories on this site, but I am just thinking is this it now? Am I never going to meet anyone because I had the misfortune to get this bloody disease? I’m 38 now and after two bouts of chemo I’m realising that children may not be in the future for me, but I so want to have someone in my life.

It all seems so unfair!

Helen

Hi Helen, you have been through so much, I really sympathise. I think about relationships constantly too! I am 41 and have been a single mum for 14 years. I had a mastectomy without recon in December, and intend to have the other breast removed in the next year. I cannot imagine having a physical relationship at all in the future, I know that sounds negative, but being menopausal have no sex drive and can’t imagine bearing my body to anyone! My judgement is probably clouded by an awful boyfriend that I had just before I was diagnosed too.

Those two men that you met clearly were selfish for not accepting you as you are. I am seeking male friendship at the moment, but whether I will find it who knows. Like you it would be nice to have someone in my life to do things with. My friends say “are you looking for a cruising partner?!” I suppose I am. All my female friends are married or seeing someone.

I feel like I am rambling on and not really helping! They say there is someone for everyone and I do believe in fate so…
Hugs, Liz x

Hi Helen

I am so sorry to hear that those two did that to you, as you say if they cannot stand love you for exactly who you are, cancer history included, then they are too selfish to be worth having you.

I am incredibly lucky to have a special man in my life, but I can tell you when I was first diagnosed 18months into our relationship, I truly would have understood if he had walked. He is 10 years younger than me, and he has more than coped with accepting me with my physical scars (mast without recon, 2nd lymph removal, portocath) he never makes me feel ugly. He has supported me not once through this journey, but is now doing it all over again as I have recently had a reccurance, he’s a special guy. I don’t have kids and of course no chance now, luckily he didn’t ever want any either.

I personally think there is a huge amount of positive to take out of having a life threatening illness. I always have been a positive person, but now even more so, I get much more joy out of simple things, a beautiful sunrise, the autumn trees, the snow last week! I know it’s all corny but that’s how I feel. I plan for my future and I dont let the battles get me down as I have a whole war to win.

There ARE good men out there who can cope with this, if I was single and looking for someone then I would be very upfront about what had happened and what it means to my life and the positives along with the negatives. Maybe not in the first date of course, at least get a free dinner out of em if they are not going to cope :slight_smile:

To be honest though, I have had some freinds who cannot cope with whats happened and have gradually slipped out of my life, and others who have stood by me every step, everyone deals with it in a different way and I think that everyone has to deal with it thier own way. I am sure if you keep being you and meet enough guys the ‘one’ will come along for you.

Wishing you the very best of luck in your future
Nikki

Thank you so much girls for your kind comments.

Liz, I know how you feel, was semi-menopausal while on chemo as I had zoladex - it was the last thing on my mind then too! The annoying thing is that although I am covered with scars I’m not too bothered about showing my body to anyone, and in fact not that there have been many, but those men who have seen my scars seem to not be bothered, it’s the whole cancer issue they seem to not be able to deal with. (Or maybe they’ve just been good actors and were bothered really!)

Nikki, I’m so glad you’ve got a good one there and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a recurrence. I hope all is going OK for you.

Thanks again and all good wishes to you both.

Helen