I was diagnosed in August 2010, had a WLE in Sept 2010 followed by 3 weeks of rads. V small lump picked up by routine mammogram. Early stage. All removed. All clear nearly 3 years on.
I started to suffer from anxiety and depression shortly after my treatment finished. Was in quite a state for some time, but got help from partner, GP, and psychologist at hospital. And found this site and forum helpful, though haven’t posted for about 2 years. Was off work for 6 months all together, but made a good recovery eventually and returned to work in early June 2011. I’ve managed ok since then, some inevitable ups and downs both physically and psychologically. But my depression has returned recently.
I have been off work again now since the end of Jan. Started to make progress after some very dark days, but still feel exhausted and poorly for a lot of the time. And I’m the only one who seems to be surprised that this has happened again. My gp isn’t, my counsellor isn’t, the person I go to for a massage isn’t!
I’m just wondering if there is anyone else out there who is struggling like me after so long? I want this to be behind me. I want this not to be a part of my life any more. And I suppose I feel I should be over it by now. It just feels so ironic that I’ve been given my life back after a horrible experience but I can’t seem to enjoy it and move on.
I’m not in your situation, but I wanted to at least answer your post so that it will appear on “latest posts” page and more likely to be seen.
I think its a fairly well accepted fact that a life-changing event like this, a potentially life-threatening illness, can often result in post traumatic shock syndrome. I don’t claim to be an expert in that, but I suspect you are your own severest judge. You say none of the professionals who are involved in your care are surprised that your depression has returned, so why then do you find it so unbelievable?
Personally I find it totally understandable. I had a “scare” about 15 years back, which turned out to be just cysts, but I had one hell of a time “moving on”. I hadn’t found a resource like this, and never ever discussed with anybody either the depths of my fears at the time, or how depressed I continued to feel for many months or more following my all clear. It took me a long time to climb out of that rut, mainly because I never understood why I was in it, and just thought I was being silly. The silliest thing, I know now, was never admitting to anyone what was going on, let alone seeking help!
So I guess you need to acknowledge that you are not “fine”, and allow those who have that expertise to help you through this in whatever ways possible.
Be kind to yourself, and stop beating yourself up for not being Wonder Woman!!,
hugs from me! 
Hi there denisthemenace. I was diagnosed in march 2011. I suffered terribly throughout all of my treatment, with anxiety. I cried at least once every day for 10 months. I had WLE and SNB. 6 lots of FEC-T, radiotherapy and Herceptin and now on Tamoxifen. I had counselling, through the hospital, for 9 months which really helped.
However, as you say, even though I’ve been “given my life back” I still can’t, and don’t think I ever will, enjoy it 100%. It’s like having a sword of Damocles hanging over me. Every time I’m enjoying something, laughing etc, it all floods back into my mind and I kind of implode inside. I can’t imagine I will ever feel any different to this. I do my best to “get on with life”. I have to. And I think that’s what everyone around me expects. Which just adds to the pressure. I do feel pressure to “put it a behind me” now. But I can’t. It will always be part of me. And that takes some dealing with.
So don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling. To me it’s perfectly normal. How can anyone go through what we all have, and return to being our old happy go lucky selves? What’s happened to us is ENORMOUS.
all my friends keep telling me to come off these forums and that will help me to “move on”. But I just can’t.
As one lady on here once said “If you haven’t got it, you don’t get it”. And everyone on here “gets it”. So every time you feel wobbly, just pop on here for some support.
Wishing you all the very best.
lots of love
Mandy xx
Dear denisthemenace
Welcome to the forum again. I am glad you found it supportive in the past and have already had support from fellow members on this thread.
I thought you might find this article by Dr Peter Harvey helpful:
And you can also give our helpline a call for information and emotional support. 0808 800 6000, The opening hours are 9-5 on weekdays and 10-2 on Saturdays.
Take care
Best wishes
Janet
BCC Moderator
Hello to you all,
My Psychologist gave me that article by Peter Harvey and it is very good. That guy talks a lot of sense and made me realise that the roller coaster I had been on was a ride I did not like and I had not been able to get off! I practised Mindfulness training and just focused on each job or task I was doing , instead of running from one job to another without achieving anything. I soon realised that I was never ever going to be the same person again. I was different. I didnt take things for granted. I looked at the world with fresh eyes. My friends and family all noticed that I had changed but mostly for the better , as I was more laid back about cleaning, tidying up, leaving things in a pile, ie newspapers, magazines and books. I had previosly been very very strict at keeping everything in a certain place. I still tidy up all the time, but I dont feel guilty anymore if I just sit relaxing, listening to music or reading a favourite book. I deserve it and so do you !!
Be kind to yourselves and recognise that Yes you have been through an ordeal, you deserve a rest and you are number one. Look after yourself. I am sending you all lots of love and positive vibes that being Mindful will help you. LOve Tracy xxx
Thanks all for your helpful and thoughtful replies. Yes, I am my own worst judge (aren’t we all). Good to be reminded that I am not alone with this. Thanks again.
Denisthemenace
denis the menace i wanted to add that i am the same, and its just not easy to be gentle on yourself, as the others say they arent surprised you are suffereing again. i have been on citalopram 3 times now before bc, just comes up when i dont expect it.
all the comments are true, i sailed through my chemo and havent really got to grips with how big this ordeal is but i know it has changed my outlook and tolerance. i have only been back at work since april and its tough, i dont feel the same about it, and am glad it is just 3 days per week, everyone else says you are doing so well. maybe you have come to the end of the road with that particular job??
i hope you take courage from all of this, i am still posting mymoans on the where did i go posts, so supportive
good luck and be gentle, we are all in the same boat
anne xx