I used to be such a sensible, loving, down to earth and loyal person before I was diagnosed and then treated for cancer in my left breast. During my diagnosis and treatment a major personal event happened that blew my world apart and I seemed to have just gone from one disaster to another in an almost self destruct fashion.
I still cant believe the things that happened and am still trying to deal with them and could really do with a friendly listening ear to talk things over with, I’m trying so hard to regain some sort of normality but I feel so out of touch with everyone as no one around me seems to understand how cancer has effected me mentally as well as physically and that frustrates me even more. I don’t want to be this way but I just cant seem to sort myself out. I want the Cancer and other events to be in the past not to still be carrying it all around with me, its definitely not a healthy way to live.
I wonder if anyone else out there went completely or even slightly off the rails for a time, is there anyone else like me that is now having to deal with the aftermath of mistakes and guilt and confusion surrounding it all.
I have tried counseling and anti-depressants but they didn’t seem to help, I would love to speak to anyone who may understand what I am babbling on about.
Sorry for the moan, I hate to burden anybody usually.
Your comment about not carrying it around and getting back to normal is so so important I think. You need to get to the stage when you think hey I am normal again. I’ve gone through the sh*t and come out the other end. However there are times when I want to feel sorry for myself and want people to be there to understand. It’s a case of wanting to be ‘normal’ again but there are times when you are not. It’s trying to get the best of both worlds.
Personally I am trying to forget the whole thing by thinking how lucky I am. Unlucky to get BC in the first place but hey here I am after treatment, maybe not quite feeling the same with The Tamoxifen tummy and hot flushes but to me a small price to pay compared with some. You don’t say what your treatment or anything was and I see that you had a major personal event which obviously has not helped you. Be assured that whatever ‘trivial’ thing you can think of that worries you, we have all been, seen or heard of and it’s the reason why this site is so great. Never ever feel bad about expressing your feelings, cos we have all been there at some time and are still here to write yiu with our support. It’s not easy I know but the girls here are fab. Don’t dig too deep though and |I know some of the girls hate this phrase but it works for me ’ Think positive’ You are still the same person but maybe with different feeling, but hey . You talk about mistakes guilt, but why? You are a human being and these things happen and are not of your making.
Remember the best of the old you, there may have been a blip but you will get back there.
H Neenie
I really felt for you reading your post.
Obviously i dont know what the problems are that you have had so its difficult to offer any great advice and we have to becareful sometimes sharing too much on open forums. However I wanted to share a few things with you and a few thoughts. Maybe they will be helpful.
I made many mistakes in my life just before my Dx, sometimes i wonder whether it was because i was ill but didnt know it at the time.
It was so tough dealing with cancer and all the problems i had too.
However one thing i have learnt is if i always look at whats gone on in my past and dwell on the mistakes i will be a wreck i will persecute myself and NOT enjoy the life i have now, which could be short could be long.
Counselling and anti depressents although helpful, a lot of the time wont take what has happened away.
I dont know where your at now but could you sit down take out some paper and write down what you want from life and how you can achieve it.
for example if you have a broken relationship, do you always see yourself as being single? Would you like to make up? Maybe that isnt possible I dont know. If you are single then how are you going to accept it what will you put into your life to help.
Blimey i sound like a counsellor now.
I do wish we could exchange email addresses on here as i would love to chat.
I dont think no matter how positive we are, we are ever the same people we were before cancer we have to learn how to cope.
People unfortunately do not understand. I have come to believe that unless someone has had a Dx with cancer they have not got a clue what its like.
Hi
I havent been on here for a while i was diagnosed last April and am just waiting for my 1st year check on March 20th. I’m petrified. I too hate this disease and how its changed me. I too have had a S**t time with everything else in my life as well as the cancer. Been the worst year of my life. I have changed so much i worry about everything, have become so intense all the time. I was happy go lucky before and now i’m too serious about everything. I havent spoke to anyone how i feel i just get on with it, but i don’t think a day goes by when i dont cry. Its pathetic really as I know i should just be happy i’m still here and embrace life but its not that easy! Part of me doesn’t want to have my check so that i wont know if they find anything! But I know thats silly but they say ignorance is bliss.
Anyway, i just wanted to say i know how you are all feeling.
take care
ruthy x
Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low and are so worried about the check up you have coming up. There are a couple of Breast Cancer Care’s support services that might be of interest to you as they can offer help and support to you during this difficult period.
The first is Breast Cancer Care’s telephone support group. It’s a chance to get together once a week to talk with people who’ve been there. Linked together by phone in comfortable surroundings, you can express your feelings and discuss the practical and emotional impact of living with breast cancer. The groups will be particularly useful for you if you feel isolated. The groups are completely free (we pay for the phone calls) and as long as you have access to a phone and have a quiet private place from which to call, you can join us from anywhere in the UK.
There is also Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service. The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding.
For more information about these and our other support services available to you please telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm) or email:
Thanks everyone for replying, and for your kind help and support, your all real life Angels!
Hi Ruthy
You just described me exactly, so at least we know that we are not alone. Lets hope that maybe all the bad stuff that was lined up for us is all done with now, OK so we had to deal with it all at once, the good stuff must be lined up and ready for us now surely.
I too, get really angry and upset at how this has changed me, I used to be so proud of me, I was kind, caring and thoughtful and not at all selfish. I was always a bit of a worrier but not like I am now, I worry about everything.
Today I had an appointment with the Breast Care Nurse to pick up my new prosthesis as the old one is a bit worn out. I even find this sort of appointment very distressing. She is a Lovely Lady but she doesn’t understand at all, she joked about my new boob maybe floating off if I went swimming in it, I had to be all polite and smile but deep down inside I was sooooooo angry and soooooo upset, but I tell myself that she wouldn’t want to have upset me she just doesn’t understand and hopefully she never will. I came home and had a little cry to myself, so then I came on here and this site makes me realise how many others are out there the same as me. I suppose we have to just keep giving ourselves a shake and a kick up the bum from time to time and not let it take anything else away from us that it has already, Ruthy, its time to fight back, we need to find some positive mental attitude, if you find it let me know where you found it and I will let you know if I find it first.
I will be there in mind with you on the 20th so remember that you are not alone!!!
I haven’t been on here for a while but felt the need following an awful check up visit yesterday, and reading these posts rang so many bells.
Sometimes I feel this emotional battle is harder than the treatments themselves. Physically I’m good and I think I am getting back to ‘normal’, or taking control of my life again (as I like to think of it), and then a flipant remark or a check up takes you right back, and you have to climb that confidence hill all over again.
I know I am lucky in so many ways, but if the check ups cause me so much pain, is that getting me better? at the moment I feel like never going to another one. But I am probably just angry and frustrated and need to calm down.
sorry to rant on and be so gloomy, but if you cant have a rant here where else.
My heart goes out to everyone feeling the same as me.
Welcome back to the forums and sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. The feelings you describe are very common, many people find the ‘moving on’ process very difficult and painful. Have you thought about asking your GP to recommend a counsellor - it can be helpful in understanding the feelings you are having at the moment?
It’s funny (not in any comical sense) that you say about it mentally becoming harder as time goes on. The physical scars may heal but the mental ones live with us forever.
As time goes on everyone treats you as ‘normal’ or ‘over it’ or, worse still ‘cured’. Well meaning people tell you how ‘brave’ you are - NO, we aren’t brave, we are scared stiff and don’t have no choice but to get on with it. Yes I understand about ‘going into meltdown’ too.
One of the silly things I do (and have done since the beginning) is that I will never refer to my breast cancer with capital letters. I refuse to make it THAT important. It has taken up enough of my life already and I refuse to let it assume an importance I won’t let it have. It’s one thing I can control.
I have posted this link on another thread, I have found it very helpful. You may need to copy and paste as it’s over 2 lines, or send me a private message if it doesn’t work and you want a copy, I’ll email it to you.
CazMc, I don’t think its a silly idea at all not to use capital letters when referring to the cancer as not to give it importance, I think its genius. It is all about gaining some control isn’t it, if we have a strong mind we can do lots more than if we allow it to become weakend (my own personal experience anyway, as I have battled on and off with depression for years and that was even before this bl**dy cancer thing).
I find that I am always having to kick myself up the backside so as not to let my fears or worries get on top of me and I do find that people really think I should be over it now. I actually feel very guilty for even mentioning that I had cancer ( notice no capitals LOL!!) I too am sick of being told that I was so brave, I don’t understand why people think I was brave, they don’t seem to tell me that if I get an upset tum or a cold hehe. I would though, feel brave maybe if I could stop thinking about it or caring about it enough to worry to myself everyday.
Oh dear I am starting to moan, kick up the bum on its way before I go into another meltdown, its not pretty.
hi
I just wanted to say that I finished treatment in Oct 07 lump removed 18 lymth nodes removed cancer in 15 chemo and rads…I have had two check ups which made me feel really low after.I told them this so I dont have to go for 6 months now ,which feels a lot better.
Every week there is something on the news about somebody dieing of cancer or some kind person tells me of somebody they know had cancer and died .This always plays on my mind.every time.
The only thing I find to be of help is always just try and enjoy today.I dont look further than that any more.I think I am a completly different person to who I was before but a lot kinder to myself.
Every ache or pain reminds me it could come back.
But it is getting easier it does feel better i dont feel as crazy as I did just be gentle with yourself dont expect too much from yourself.
I feel to my personality has changed, am fed up feeling miserable.I always say ‘the lump’ when talking to people.I have been through a traumatic divorce and just when I met someone else was diagnosed with this bugger the week before we married and had to cancel our honeymoon to start chemo.I am short tempered,irratible, and totally not nice to be around
I am 18 months past my DX and can now mention having had cancer quite comfortably, never thought the day would come at first.
I am now a lot more selfish, you could say, and don’t give a second thought to saying no to something that I don’t want to do, so thats one good thing thats changed about me.
My attitude to work has changed as well, I enjoy my job, but its not all important. I also know who my true friends are now, and don’t waste time on certain people any more, life’s too short to waste.
Hubby and I feel like we have reprioritised things, and instead of planning to do things when we retire, we are doing them all now, because we don’t know with any certainty what the future will hold.
I don’t think of any of these changes as negative, obviously i would rather not have had cancer, but am determined to not let it spoil my future.
I have changed a lot, I find I am a lot more short tempered and snappy. I cannot be bothered with lots of things that used to be important to me. I agree with Deborah, it certainly does make you realise who your friends are. I have not gone back to work yet as I dont feel able to face it.
Finished treatment Oct 07, had lumpectomy, lymph nodes removed, chemo and radio 46 years old.
Some days I feel as if I have gone from being 45 years old, when I found it, to being 86 years old. The hot flushes from the zolodex don’t help.
I am sick of people telling me that they know I will be alright and it will not come back and I just have to think positive and everything will be alright. I was thinking positive before I had it and it still came.
Listen to me ranting on!
Anyway just wanted to say that I know how it feels and I feel for everyone
I am new to this forum and it has been a great help I had a mastectomy in oct 07 had an expander fitted cos i was too skinny for the other methods of recon .Had my recon Jan 08 no rads no chemo just Tamoxifen, I too get the you are so brave and strong and you will be fine…I sometimes feel that because I didnt have chemo then people think I havent had it as bad as somebody they know …I wasnt aware it was a b ~~~~ y competition .I still feel low had three weeks off work in all 'which is why they all think I am isuperhuman until last week when I lost it in the office …sobbing ranting you name it …they couldnt cope with that side of me they wanted the sane mazaroo well she has gone away for a while !!!
At least on here I can say what I feel without being judged thanx to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx