Its so positive and full of fun, but I need to vent a bit and didn’t want to do it on there.
I’m sooo tired, I am actually sleeping a bit, (Ive slept less, put it that way) but I’m exhausted to the bone. Yet I’m also not tired, I’m wired. I’m tryng to get my head round being ready for Christmas but it feels enormous. But I love Christmas.
I saw my doctor this morning and she agreed I had done the right thing upping my tablets. She said I seemed more positive and I am, its only when I start talking about it that I get teary. I’m good, making jokes and riding tonight was mental and physical relief…she asked me if I wanted to be signed off work but I said no, I need the distraction but I’m not actually much use, I can hardly concentrate.
Arrrggg, I’m sorry to be so down, I feel like I’m letting you guys down by being so down but I don;t know who else to talk to x
Ooooh Emily T - I think we are all with you … the positive fun and banter is great but we must all feel down sometimes (I do) … it’s natural … and we are human … I’ve had a very weepy 24 hrs and just felt ‘sad’ … it’s mad because I’m not even having negative thoughts … I’ve just got leaky eyes ? … I am feeling a bit better tonight though and you will soon too … you aren’t letting anybody down, you are telling how it really is and that is that this bloody horrible ride we are on is sometimes very overwhelming!!
Big hugs for you tonight xxx
I think having Friday to yourself is an excellent idea. I’m out with hubby & the kids on Saturday- we go round Nottingham to look at the decorations & then we take a kid each & they buy us a present. (I would mention that they are now 21 & 16, but they still love doing it) then we go for breakfast. It’s a happy day.
Wow Emily, your last paragraph describes exactly how I feel - how can I admit that I think I’m going to die in surgery, or that now every year I live, I have to be grateful for? That I’m scared it’s going to come back before I’ve even got rid of it?
Sorry to know lots of you are struggling - Silverlady, your comments were raw, but honest, and I expressed just that to my husband a couple of weeks ago when I had different medical professionals telling me different things - I just felt that my life as I knew it had ended and I just couldn’t get my head round all the conflicting information. I wished afterwards that I’d shared it on here as the expression on my husbands face made my heart feel like it was breaking two.
we’re all going through probably one of the most stressful events in our life and are allowed bad days. Each of us deal differently - I worked for the first month post diagnosis as I work in a busy school so work was a great distraction; however after my big wobble my husband went to talk to my boss and they agreed I needed some time, and help with some medication.
after my operation last week, I felt great and really positive, but reality has hit me today and I’m back to being so anxious about the pathology results - I think because at every appointment I’ve been told some positive news followed each time by a “but”.
does it ring true with you all that a nights sleep becomes impossible. Even with my medication I’m managing about 4 hours, and my appetite is non existent, not even for chocolate. And even that hasn’t had a positive effect on my weight. I’m about a stone overweight and have only lost 4lbs in 6 weeks.
hugs to all who are struggling today - maybe tomorrow will be brighter…
Oh gosh … so sorry you are all struggling so much. It’s really hard, almost too hard sometimes but you just have to keep going.
i am so missing my swimming (that’s my passion) but, and I know this sounds daft, we live in a beautiful place so when I’m really down I take a sneaky stroll around the garden and soak everything in (apart from that fish thieving Herron) and that is just a huge boost.
Good morning all - let’s hope today’s a better day. I slept better last night and but woke up with a headache - bit novel for me to actually be woken up by my husband with a cup of tea. Think I could be missing the fresh air - tried to take the dog for a walk yesterday and only managed about 100 yards - problem to make you smile - how to hold a dog lead and pick up poo using one hand. I daren’t hold the dog on my bad side as she has an issue with other dogs, and I realised despite all my exercises the ground seemed a long way down with my bad side!
Six days today Em. If anything feeling more sore - think I would struggle to manoeuvre a shovel, and would certainly need a cast iron bra to stop any wobble for riding. Left my crop top off for a couple of hours the other night and the bit of a wobble in the boob area was certainly uncomfortable and I’m only a c cup (or was till I had a bit taken out)!!
Strudel - I’ve sent you a hug. I’ve just read your post with tears streaming down my face because you have just expressed exactly what I have in my head.
I think silver lady’s hit the nail on the head when she says we focus on the surgery. I was on quite a high for a couple of days but am quickly on the down again. I’ve just said to my husband, all my friends who visit say how well I look, how brave I am, how I’m coping, how reassured they feel on seeing me, and I just smile and say “well I have no choice but to get on with it”. But inside I want to say I’m not coping, I’m frightened and what has the future got for me.
Do you think one day we’ll wake up and feel ‘normal’, whatever ‘normal’ is?
Jane - I really believe that when this is over that there will be normality for all of us. I saw my Mum’s life go back to normal for 5 years. It will happen to us, we just have to get past all this **bleep** first.
We will do this no matter what it throws at us- we will wear our tough pants on the outside & cry a little on here, but we will do it.
Hugs to you Jane
Strudel has just said it exactly how it is … those are my exact feelings … I keep thinking the BCN and consultant all say “in 5 years we will be discharging you” How do they know? How can they predict that? I couldn’t bloody predict this mess that I am in now … my prediction would have been " I will still be doing the job I love" “I will probably have even more grandchildren” “my life won’t have changed too much, I’m happy”. BUT actually my life has changed so much already in 7 weeks … SEVEN WEEKS!
I’m 51 … not 81 when I imagined things might start to ail me. It is hard for all of us… and nobody but NOBODY who have ever found themselves in our position can never fully understand. I haven’t even had my op yet but people are saying to me “by Christmas it will all be over with”. When actually, in reality, it is just the start… further results and then the treatment …
sorry ladies if you are having a good day … but I needed to say it xxxxx
Ooh and lymph nodes - can anybody help me with this … my lymph nodes were showing as clear, that was 5 weeks ago … could they now not be clear?? I’ve still got 2 weeks to go before my ‘op date’
I think I need to make a phone call ? I need the answer xx
Hugs Silverlady. I was excited about the op until the night before and said the same, that I was going in feeling healthy and coming out not, but the truth is we have a disease that needs treating before it makes us actually ill. I felt the same about work - my job is quite challenging to pass on to someone else as I work in a school dealing with safeguarding issues and providing support to pupils and families - a lot of it is the historical knowledge I carry in my head having worked there for 20 years. But I had to admit that I needed time to look after me for a change. I’ve told my boss that I’m quite happy for him to contact me with any questions they have, and so far this is working. I had a phone interview with occupational health which was a bit premature, talking about phased returns etc when I still don’t know what my treatment plan is.
re. Other half and bills, my oh never did any cooking apart from steak and salad or poached eggs. He has been amazing, we’ve had casseroles, roast dinner, scotch eggs (bought from a farmers market!), and salmon with veg. He even cooked red cabbage with Apple as a veg the other night. You will be surprised what they can do - I certainly have - he’s even found out how to use the vacuum cleaner!
i haven’t really felt ill as such since the surgery - a bit sore, and some side effects from the pain killers, which was sorted out by stopping the ones causing the issues. Emotionally it’s been harder than I thought, but talking on here, sharing our experiences is helping me through it, and we’ll help you as much as we can.
I put my self on the naughty step for a timeout, I was so enraged, so, so angry. I wanted to shout at the people in Asda, I wanted to berate the car driver doing 24 miles per hour in front of me (actually I wanted to pull them out their car and shake them) I must point out that I have never lifted a finger to anyone and am normally very placid, so this was overwhelming.
I have been in a good mood for the past week, after getting the all clear. It was my last day at work yesterday and I was getting as much up to date as possible. I have brought all my office stuff home with me, with the idea that if I feel up to it in a couple of weeks time (I don’t have to) I can do some work from home. It was as I was putting all my books and papers in a box to come home I started to get so angry about it all.
My hubby does all the cooking as I’m not very good and he has been wonderful - it was just that I was typing out a list so that he knows what we pay, all our online accounts, just in case I die in surgery on Tuesday & the fact that I was going to have to give him this before Tuesday was making me angry.
Thankyou for all you words of comfort, I was reading them and they were really helping, I just couldn’t respond.
I’m o.k. today & feeling positive again, I’m off to Derby to see all the decorations with my family and have a pub lunch.
(I can’t believe the emotions I have been through in 3 weeks - I have never experienced any of these like this before and it is exhausting).
My tough pants are so tough today, even kryptonite couldn’t get through. I’ve got so much to do today, to get ready for Tuesday.
Even my heart shaped mastectomy pillow has arrived and I am ready to take on the world.
Emily - I thought everyone came out with a drain no matter what, my fear, (don’t laugh) is whether I’m going to be able to wipe my bum as I am right handed ??
Ladybowler - your words are as lovely as always and I agree, who needs a counseller when we can talk on here and get so much support, laughter and comfort.
Strudel - I also wear my scruff clothes to hospital, I also have some old soft bra’s you know the sort, not quite white. I’m gonna wear them and keep my nicer ones for when I’m better.
Em - you are also an amazing lady, your words have already comforted me so many times. It helps to know that I’m not the only one that has an irrational want to beat someone up moment for no reason.
Thank you all so much, I am so glad I found you all - I don’t know how I would have coped without you.
