Ive posted on here a few times since my mothers diagnosis of inoperable bc in 2002 and although i know this was the inenvitable ending, i cant believe that my beautiful mam lost her fight last night. Although she was getting weaker we never expected her to deteriorate within a couple days. She spent at least 10 hours in a semi comatose state until she took her last breath at 5.40pm last night. I spoke to her about a few things i had wanted to say to her, but im not sure she was aware. Im finding it so hard to believe it has happened and feel like my life will forever be affected by this loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Claire. I hope she had no pain and knew at some level that you were there.
Cheryl
Hi Claire,
Your post touched a real nerve with me, as I was with my Mum when she died from bc too. Similarly, she had been in a kind of coma like state for a couple of days. I firmly believe that she knew I was there and heard some of the things I said and nothing anyone says will persuade me otherwise!! She too deteriorated quickly at the end and I wasn’t ready. But…actually…I never would have been ready to be honest. I’m an only child and she was my sister and best friend. I felt like I had lost a part of me. This was over 10 years ago. My life has forever been affected I can’t lie, but I have learned to keep her with me in a way that doesn’t make me sad anymore. I still cry, but I laugh too and I love telling my little boy all about her. I even like remembering our arguments!! It keeps her in my life. Keeps her real. I talk to her lots!! I sometimes buy and do things that I know she would like! It’s a cliche, but time will make it less raw. People will tell you that and you’ll feel like hitting them, but it is true! Your Mum will have known how much she meant to you. Don’t worry that you didn’t say the right things at the end…I’m sure you said them throughout your life.
I found it very useful to talk to a Macmillan nurse and vent my feelings (I was a bit angry too!). Maybe you could find someone not in your family to talk to?
Sending you many hugs and warm wishes for you and your family.
Gailx
Hi Claire
I am so sorry your lovely mam has gone. I hope you find comfort in the love you had for each other.
Take care.
Debx
I too lost my mother to breast cancer - three years ago. Take comfort from the fact that you were with her at the end , I am sure it meant a lot to her. We are never ready to lose our mums they play such an important part in our lives. I still miss her but it does get better, remember a part of your mum will always live on in you. Thinking of you at this dfficult time Eileen x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to add as you had been speaking to your Mum in her final hours I hope it will be some comfort for you to know our hearing is our last sense to leave us. x
Thank you for your comments. Im finding it hard to stop myself analysing everything and feel panic stricken at the thought of dad coping with this in the house on his own. My 2 sisters and i stayed at the house last night on the living room floor just to be close to each other and now im home i keep having tobremind myself that she has gone. I always beleived i would be strong as i have been over the last year when both my mam and dad have spent between them 6 mths in hospital, but im crumbling. Its reasurring to know others have been thru this experience, does that horrible sinking feeling ever go?
I won’t say you exactly get over the loss, but to some extent you eventually get used to it. It will take all of you some time to work out what the next steps should be; don’t let yourselves be rushed. I’m glad you’ve got sisters so you can support each other as well as your dad.
Best wishes to all of you.
Cheryl
Hello Claire,
I lost my mum about two years ago through cancer, not breast cancer, but cancer all the same and had a dad who was left on his own. It is tough for those left behind but I found just trying to help dad with the practical things like clearing her clothes, books etc was helpful for him, made me cry though when I left them at the charity shop, I was tempted to keep all of them, espcailly the ones we bought together, but we don’t remember our mothers’ by such things, your right, life will never be quite the same again, but you will eventually find yourself in a happier place, believe me, but of course you will never stop missing your mum, it just wont hurt so much.
Dad still needs us and that will always be the case, but your dad has you and by just being there for him will make his coming to terms with everything easier I’m sure.
Myfanwy xx
Claire, I am so sorry for you and I’m sending you and your sister and dad gentle hugs.
I lost my mum 28 years ago, and she is still very much a part of my life. When things happen I often think about what she would have done or said, and I am able to remember the good things and I can smile and laugh at what I imagine her reaction to things would have been. And yes, I do still shed the odd tear for her. (Moist eyes now, for my mum and for yours.)
I’m sure she won’t ever leave you, you’ll carry her with you in your heart. I’m certain she will have heard you. As someone else said, don’t worry if you didn’t say the right words in the right order, your love for her over all the years will have been with her and in her in her last moments and I’m sure it was a real comfort for her to have you with her.
Be gentle on yourself, cut yourself some slack, allow yourself to cry if you need to, and to laugh and smile too. Don’t feel guilty if you find the odd happy moment, that’s a good thing.
Again, I’m really sorry for your loss, it’s very hard and don’t be surprised if it comes and smacks you round the head completely out of the blue even months from now. That’s normal. Pants, but normal. But the sharp painful edges will smooth, little bit by little bit.
CM
xxx
Thanks again. You have given lots of sound advice. It has been an emotional day, choosing clothes for mam and deciding on hymns and songs, we went for the carpenters top of the world, as we have a video of her singing this on a family holiday. Things are so strange as its such a strong feeling when were all together that she is not there. Thanks again.
Hi everyone. Its my lovely mams funeral morrow and im filled with dread and anxiety about it, but no doubt she will give us the strength to get through it. My mam was such a strong women who fought this shitty disease in such a dignified way and relatively trouble free for 9 years. Im grateful that i had such a beautiful person in my life for 35 years and will keep her in my heart forever. I feel like ive had a few signs that she is still with me and always will be in some way. I have my family and my 3 year old son to keep me going and although it doesnt feel like it right now, we will find peace with the situation. Lots of family and friends have made donations to top up the 500 my husband raised last year. This website has been invaluable to me since 2002, even through my own experiences of finding a lump in my breast, but i think its time to have a break. Just wanted to say thank you to all for your messages. It has been sad, reassuring,humerous and most certainly inspirational. Best wishes to all. Speak soon.
Oh Claire, I just wanted to add my words to what other people have said to you. Like Belinda, I agree that hearing is the last sense to go, and your lovely Mam will definitely have heard what you said to her. She will live on in your thoughts and in all those lovely memories you have of her. You’ll miss her like anything, and yes, just when you think you’re beginning to feel less raw about her passing away, some little event will make you think of her again, and the tears will come. She’s lucky to have had such loving daughters as the three of you, and I’ll be thinking about you and your family tomorrow!
Big hugs xx
Hope the funeral goes well and will be thinking about you xx