Some people, like my brother, have teenagers who are amazingly helpful. So some never see what it is like when you have teenagers who point blank refuse and the fights that can ensue.
If anyone says anything I’d say ‘I don’t have the energy for battles about anything I’m just getting through the treatment’.
I don’t think it’s getting at you more frustration that they’d like to see you having the help around the house from the kids.
xwelcomex is right. This is all about you and putting yourself first.
Hello, As Welcome says, teenagers are not renowned for being helpful, so accept any help offered from friends and if someone says can I help - say Yes please, there’s a pile of ironing or please do supermarket shop for me. Maybe your children will eventually start to become helpful if you don’t nag them and a)they actually see that you are feeling rotten and can’t do what you usually do, b) see that friends are helping you, c) notice their clothes aren’t ironed or dinner not cooked.
I’m lucky, I have my OH and two quite old sons 29 and 31, so I have lots of help and support, but I still have three friends who pop round with soup, cottage pies and fruit crumbles when it’s week one. All gratefully received.
Hope things improve a bit with getting some help. Take care of yourself, you certainly don’t need to be using emotional energy on difficult teenagers - or having to justify how much they do or don’t help to others.
trying to take a step back from teenage squabbling and post divorce issues but finding it difficult at times- some very sound advice posted on here thank you - glad i jumped on board - what a lovley bunch of people
Like you I am divorced (after a horrible and messy divorce) and living with 2 girls. My eldest is 20 and she is a star. Looking after me every day.
However, I had a similar event with my youngest at the weekend when she was annoyed that I was late in picking her up. Suggesting that I bring my cancer into everything.
I sat with her and had a long chat. She was afraid for me and was very worried but she was hiding it all and it was coming out in anger. She was very sorry when we had finished our chat.
The last couple of days have been great. She even travelled from her dads (as we have shared custody 1 week on and 1 week off) just to see me. My oldest is out on Saturday and my youngest has agreed to “babysit” me.
I have just had my first FEC on Monday and have survived so far.
Hi there. Just a quick note from me to say a) my heart goes out to you and b) you will survive. My partner and I live with teenagers. I was diagnosed with triple neg in June, lumpectomy and total lymph node clearance, 9/10 tested positive, hav had 3 FEC chemo and 2/3 TAX chemo to be followed by radiotherapy. At different times our kids hav been utterly inspiring and at others utterly unsupportive. As has been said they hav huge issues of their own to b dealing with at that age. The 14 year old would rarely talk about it. In fact I hav tried all sorts with them but what works sometimes is humour. If we r squabbling over jobs to b done then I say … But Ive got cancer and she says but I am luving with stress of knowing you hav cancer… It was big thing for us all when my hair fell out so we dealt with that using humour but also we hav had to mAke room for sadness (watch the film my sisters keeper together) . There r rare moments when they will talk about their fears but I find I hav to b around for that to happen. Maybe when they come home from school or when ironing. The main thing is to keep routines going and do not depend on them for help. Ask BC nurse or MAC nurse for help/advice. Use this website. MAC nurses can tell you how to get grants if you need financial help. Different chemos affect u in different ways. Some much better than others. Mine has been quite bad at times but am nearly finished and feeling in good spirits about it all. Do not be afraid to ask for help - there is so much to be had from here, from the hospital and prob friends u didn’t kno u had. Very best of luck. I will be think about you and wishing you well. Cazza
Little angel, I am not a single parent but i do have teenagers who aren’t always as helpful as I would like my son, in particular, hates to be asked to do things, and I have found what works best is to give him advance notice of what I expect from him.
It isn’t unreasonable that they do jobs at this age, after all they need to know how to cook, iron etc by the time they leave home, but if he can do it to his own schedule I think he feels more in control, less bossed around, if that makes sense. So when he gets up (usually halfway through the day!) at the weekend I say to him, don’t forget you need to do x, y, z today, and I ask him what his plans are and when he is going to do his jobs. It then doesn’t seem so much like nagging when I remind him that he was going to iron his shirts, or whatever, before he goes to see his friend. Just helping him to remember!
And stick to jobs that he can relate to. Like my son washing his rugby kit, so that it is clean for his next match or practice. He can see the benefit to him, obviously. And why shouldn’t he do it every week, not just when I am poorly? ‘have you got rugby this week? Then you’ll need to wash your rugby kit, won’t you?’
Not saying it works perfectly all the time and I do get the odd “why can’t she do it?” comment but it definitely helps in the main…
Teenagers definitely don’t empathise. My daughter has been off school today with a bad cold and I have been fetchIng her drinks and snacks all day. She is moaning and groaning about how ill she feels, and I have been biting my lip all day…
Best wishes, hope the atmosphere improves at home.
X
Rusty
Hope you are managing to get some help from your real friends (ie the ones who accept your teenagers as they are, not as they think they ought to be). I’m sure they’ll be a real support to you.
Thinking of you. Stella
I know exactly how you feel…though I have been a single parent for a wee while…my son is 18 in two weeks!!! He still thinks “mum” has an infection…and trying to explain my BC has been so hard…that I have given up…
I try to make each day “normal” for him…but the other day, when I crawled out of my bed, it was difficult to bite my lip, as he arose(eventually) from his bed, "not a good morning or how are you mum? but, said that he had had difficulty “getting a jar lid open the evening before”!!..I nearly exploded…
I go out, when I come back, the house is a tip, he needs to get a job…but, he is trying. He will do things if I ask…or if I LEAVE A NOTE!
I dont have to worry about, when I have sugery as I have a very supportive family…but, have lost freinds through having BC…
What is happening to you…is so difficult…try to keep things as normal as possible…I find what comes my way I can deal wth for the benefit of living a life for myself and my son…it will be bloody hard…but, you will survive…
I make plans with him for the days ahead,that we both do together.but, he dosent understand, that mum is ill…
and at the end of the day…they will cope…and grow up stronger…and you too!!!
We are here for you…and remember that…
Do you have a Maggies Centre near you…they are off great support and advice to…they have a kids morning…maybe it may help…
Px
thank you for your wise words and sorry if i don’t reply personally to each of you - i am beginning to get muddled up as to who is who and who says what!!!
i am finding it less painful to be totally on my own in the house these days but i am still finding it incredibly difficult when i am alone in the house with the kids (it is the feeling of being unwanted by them , not to mention the arguing - normal stuff really but heightened by the fear of being ill in the house and them not caring/noticing me)
i also realise that when i am on my own with the kids and things are “kicking off”, i feel huge resentment towards my ex for leaving me to handle the family on my own. I am starting to get to grips with the fact that the kids will not turn in to Florence Nghtingales and domestic goddesses overnight (no teenagers would!!) but how do i handle the feelings towards my ex at this time??
i still cry for him (or is it just comfort i crave because i need support cos of having cancer?) and pine for the family unit that has been broken, 18 months on from him going
I did a sanctuary room because of my 7 dogs i sometimes need my quiet space so i have my office, where i have my computer, t.v. music centre for meditation tapes, incense sticks,a comfy chair to sit on a bed to lie down on it. I will watch this space for more ideas of comfy things. Good luck with the chemo and your comfy room mine works a treat.
started today - FEC 1 - not posted for a bit been really low waiting to start and waiting for results of tests (abdominal scan/lower back xray/bone scan) to find out if bad back connected - results all clear thankfully.
staff at hospital very kind - come home to kids who have been quieter than usual - eldest one has stayed in tonite which i appreciated, middle one out at party- i’ve just come to bed and an waiting to be sick!!! have peed pink pee, feel a bit woozy, mouth tastes a bit funny and tummy feels a bit windy but not been sick…yet.
had fitting with wig lady today so covered a lot of ground in one day.
thank you - and same good wishes back - may need advice how to handle 16 year old who fails to come home by 1am or comes home drunk - on first evening of my chemo - hope i don’t need to ask you what to do but a bit worried i may need to…
Hi, I’m divorced 12 years ago, just diagnosed with cancer, facing mastectomy next week and feel that my lovelife will have ended - how can you find love and a lasting relationship after mastectomy if you could not before - or do I just think that all men are shallow???
my son, in particular, hates to be asked to do things, and I have found what works best is to give him advance notice of what I expect from him.