do you find people you thought really cared arent there anym

Hi Everyone ,
I feel a bit let down at the moment. Have really found out who my friends are since ive had breast cancer just wondered if it was the same for others?
I have supported friends through alsorts of things and really been a true friend to many people.I always thought they would do the same for me.When people ask are you ok they dont really want to know how you are feeling just want you to say fine thanks . Then when you say that you can see work mates minds ticking over …well why arent you working then?. Some dont even ask any more its like they resent me for not being there but ive been there 13 years and hardly ever had a day off and have covered each and everyone of them. I get comments like …you should be resting i always see you walking about. My theory is if i can have a good walk and go out and keep going it will be good for me. Then when i cant i will stay in.
Nobody texts anymore to wish me luck on treatment day or even cares how i got on they all seem to have forgotten i exist!!!
On a bright note the people who i didnt think much of or even didnt know before i got b cancer have been really caring and supportive and have really helped me.
I know life goes on for others even though at the moment ours is put on hold but i really thought my friends would be there and not make excuses about things they have to do this week but maybe another time.
Sorry to rant but spent all week feeling guilty about being off work (I work in a very busy tearoom and just thought lets get through this before i go back).If i was at work though would just feel bad if i was ill one day and somebody had to cover me.
Well ranting over now ,thanks for listening .
Love Sharon xx

Oh absabloodylutely hun. I did a post a few months back. People who I wasnt that close to have been amazing, and people who I thought were close have been selfish pigs. I so know where you are coming from.

Hugs xxx

Hi Sharon - I have a few good friends that have been rocks, but like u the ones that want a fine thanks answer when they ask . I think we all find out who matters in our lifes. I get a chemo day text from my sisterinlaw , that is the only contact and she lives 10 minutes away , and oh how she was going to be there for me !!! dont need her…
I also agree that we are in a bubble , but they still have busy lives so i suppose we should understand. It has made me aware of what i should have done when friends have been ill , and i didnt , for the same reasons , a busy life .

We all need a rant , and we all have our pis***d off days

Tomorrow will be better


Hello Sharon, gosh it sounds as if you are having a rough time of it. A lot of people do seem to have similar experiences to yours, and bizarrely I was only talking to someone about exactly this the other day.

I try to focus on the positives, like you say, sometimes it is surprising who actually ‘gets’ what it is like for us and offers us support. I have been very touched by the kindness of people I barely knew or didn’t know at all before this. At the same time, some of my oldest friends have struggled to cope, didn’t know what to say, said things that I found insensitive/unhelpful or just disappeared for a while, all of which I did find hard. I have a theory that some of it is just the way we’re made - the fight/flight/freeze thing - but that we have a choice how we move on from that initial reaction; alas some people don’t seem to do so. Hopefully you will find enough people who do support you, and maybe a few you can share your frustrations with?

It’s good to rant sometimes - and this is a safe place to do just that becuase people here do ‘get’ it. Hopefully some other folk will be along soon with some words to encourage you. It sounds to me you are being very strong in facing all this as you are, and have a good attitude that will help you through.

I think you are right to get a walk if you can - indeed I was advised to try to get a walk every day during my treatment. Sadly some well-meaning people don’t know that, and assume that rest means lying in bed doing nothing!

So, sending you a cyber-hug and hoping that tomorrow is a brighter day for you (if that’s not too cheesy)

Hi Sharon, i think we can probably all get where ur coming from. Something like this really opens ur eyes to people. Some people i thought wouldn’t care have been brilliant & others who i thought would haven’t. Most people where i work have been great but there’s a couple who haven’t said a word to me about it. I find that really strange & quite uncomfortable, but i can sort of see where i may have done the same thing before,. I don’t want a huge fuss but would like them to just acknowledge it so it breaks the ice. I’ve been very open about everything but i think some people find it awkward. Just human nature i guess. I hope u feel a bit better about things tomorrow & rant away to ur hearts content on here. Heather x

hi sharon… think we all face a learning curve dont we ? i had so called friends who to be honest i really thought they would be there for us, i was diagnosed with breast cancer, and at the same time my husband had skin cancer… bit of a shitter to say the least… well where were my friends… initially there … popping in with flowers etc, and then all of a sudden, no calls no tex,s no replys to calls and no explanation, well… now me and my other half are well on the road to recovery , they try to re, appear… nah no way am i going back there, we have moved on with out lives , and they are no longer part of it, initially i was upset… now couldent give a dam… i dont miss them one bit… some friends eh ???

First off a really big cyber hug cos you sound like you need one! :slight_smile:

What you’ve described sounds like a mirror image of what has happened to me and it’s very distressing to discover that those you thought you could rely on, people who you have been there for in the past, have just disappeared over the horizon.

The person I thought of as my best friend of over 15 years has basically abandoned me, which hurts when I think how many times I’ve been there not just for her but for her family too. My OH even remembered her little girl’s birthday the day I was having my mx but in return not a phone call, not a text, not even a get well soon card! I was and am very shocked but sadly I’ve discovered that this is not an uncommon thing.

I think the word cancer scares people, they don’t know how to react so they do the easy thing and stay away. . . :frowning:

Nymeria xx

Hi there,
I sympathise with all that you say about friendships and feeling let down. I understand it completely cause I feel I was one of those people who often wasn’t supportive enough, I’d try my best to ring and visit people who were struggling but LIFE and all those little things , often got in the way. 10 years ago, to mention Cancer to me and I would have been tongue tied, awkward, not knowing how to respond and what to say. So I relate to the people who faced with a friends diagnosis who back away as I think they find it too overwhelming. Its a hard one to make judgment on as I think, if we are honest we have all done it in the past.
For us, Cancer is in the forfront of our mind, we think about it, talk about it and obcess about it, this can be awkward for others, so mayb a little understanding of what they are feeling like would be good. I meet a lady in the village who has had treatment for primary BC, I’m on secondary, I ask her how she is and she laughs and said do you really want to know :o) I say yes and we moan together and compare notes and treatments and side effects, then move on to everyday topics. which is easy as we have that in common and have a certain understanding. To others the world of cancer is often a tabo subject of which they have little knowledge.
I have friends who have been fantastic, some friends that have initially been there but life has moved on for them, i’m not sure it means they don’t care, just that they have family priorities. Like some have mentioned I have discovered that some people I have just know have gone the extra mile and really helped.
Having a friend with cancer often carries a little guilt for the other person, so many people have said to me how sorry they are that they are not making an effort to be in contact but then in every relationship, it takes too and it isn’t always the healthy one that has to do all the running…
I sound a little judgemental, I’m sorry if it comes across like that, i am just trying to see it from the non cancer persons point of view, people act in a similar way to death, not knowing what to do or say.
I just try and except people for who and what they are and hope that they do the same to me and not always think of me with a diagnosis round my neck. I am who I am :o)
My goodness I do ramble lol
Clare x

i’ve been overwhelmed with kindness-some from really unexpected sources-yet-not even a txt whilst i had my op and was off sick for 3 weeks from my manager !!!and i’m the one she always asks for help as she knows i never refuse-well guess what-not any more lol x

Thanks for all your comments .Was having a really bad day when i wrote this and thanks for listening .I also do understand that people have their own lives and their own problem i was just a little disappointed that i have treid to help people and be a good friend and when i go in to work and make the effort to see them i just get told i should be at home and get questioned about wether i should be at work and whos saying i have to be off ect.Just felt like i dont want to go in anymore as i am on trial and i do go in just to make the effort to keep in touch.
Theres a friend in there who is pregnant and everytime i go in i ask her how she is and never does she ask me.And i dont go in all miserable i try not to make people feel bad.
Oh well im over it now and i have a fantastic family so that i am lucky with ,sounds as though a few of us have come across this so sorry to everyone who feels let down .At least we can all rant on here and help each other.Big hugs back to all who sent to me and thanks .
Love Sharon xx

Hi Sharon I too have experienced this I know its no excuse but I think ‘cancer’ just frightens so many that they back off as if you’ve got something catching. You usually find the ones you thought were good friend but not, would soon be knocking on your door God forbit it happens to them.

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