Don't know what to feel anymore.

Public Archive
1

I had a right breast mastectomy, along with the removal of the sentinal lymph gland, on the 21st May this year and was told, two weeks later, that the cancer hadn’t spread.  This was certainly good news and a relief to us all.  I do still have to have chemo and I’m seeing the Oncologist this Monday to discuss what will happen and when it will start.  Not long before I was diagnosed, my little dog (who was only 5) started to get ill.  I took him to the vet a couple of times and had different tablets for him, but the vet decided it was time for some tests to find out what was wrong.  He had an ultrasound, an x-ray, the camera down his stomach and some biopsies taken.  However, those tests were inconclusive so the vet gave me some other tablets to give to him, which did, in fact, help him.  When I went into hospital to have the mastectomy, my mum looked after my dog and when I came out of hospital, because I use a wheelchair full time, it was agreed that my mum looked after him until I was able to.  During all of this time I was more worried and concerned about my little dog than I was about me. I always knew I’d be ok but I wasn’t so sure about him. 

 

As you can imagine, it’s been difficult for me to look at myself in the same way as before the op.  I feel like I’ve lost some of the confidence I had.  My fiance has been a fantastic support to me during this time.  We don’t live together yet, but he stayed with me for nearly 2wks when I came out of hospital to look after me.  He’s a wheelchair user himself so it was difficult for me to let him do things I would normally do myself, knowing it was more difficult for him to do these things!!  Anyway, we muddled through as best we could lol!! 

 

All was ok-ish until last weekend when my dog suddenly deteriorated.  He couldn’t get up off the floor without help and then he wouldn’t eat or drink anything and, then he couldn’t even lift his head up. So, last Monday my mum and stepdad took him back to the vet and he was so bad they agreed the best thing for him was to put him to sleep, and I would have done exactly the same thing.  But I have been absolutely devastated by this. He was always my little baby boy and I miss him so much. 

 

I, now, am feeling very low and I’m crying as I write this because I just feel so much has been taken away from me in a very short space of time.  i haven’t been able to come to terms with anything because I haven’t had the time to take it all in and digest it, really.  I’m still sore from the op but that is getting better. I’m still finding pushing my wheelchair is difficult and I’m not able to drive yet because I’m sore so I’m not getting out like I used to, yet.  I don’t know how to feel about not having my right boob.  My confidence has been lost and, on top of all of this, I’m getting married in six weeks time and I just don’t feel very happy or excited about it , like I should feel.  And, now, I feel a bit guilty because this should be the happiest time of my life and I’m not happy.  I should be feeling excited about organising my wedding and I don’t.  I love my fiance with all my heart and I so want to marry him but I just can’t get excited about it.  We’re meeting with the wedding planner this afternoon and my heart’s not in it. 

 

I’ve always taken pride in my appearance and made sure that people saw me and not just my wheelchair and I’ve always had confidence in how I appear to other people, but since the op my confidence has been quite low. I’m waiting to get an appointment with a counsellor via the GP as she thinks it would benefit me to talk to someone about all of this, other than my fiance and family.  And I agree, but there’s a waiting list so it could be a while before I see someone. 

 

I apologise that this is soooo long but I just needed to vent!!  I just feel very numb and I feel like I’m just going through the motions but not really taking everything in. 

2

Dear Elsie-Lou,

 

My dear girl, you’ve been going through so much recently that of course you’re all over the place. It would be a really good idea to get some counselling and so sorry there’s such a wait for that. I suggest you ring up the BCC helpline - I rang a couple of weeks ago when I wasn’t handling cancer in my breast at all well, not how I would have wished to handle it - control it, and couldn’t decide quite what op wanted. After speaking to a lovely person at BCC helpline I quickly knew exactly what I wanted for sure and things improved for me from then. I also did a couple of things that helped me to be in control - but the catalyst was the BCC helpline.

 

I know my problem was nothing like you have, but I feel very sure they would be of great help to you - just being able to speak to them quietly on your own or cry or whatever else is needed at the time. There was no rush at all when I rang, I felt as though time didn’t matter and was told when we finished talking to ring again if there were things I was worried about.

 

Although you have awful problems most of us haven’t got, we can still feel for you and I wish I could give you a big hug now - but of course you’d have to make it a gentle one - it’s a week this afternoon since I had my mastectomy.

 

Please take good care of yourself and do think about ringing the helpline. I hope things won’t seem so black for you before long. Do come back on here whenever you need, everyone is so supportive and can partly understand - come and cry, howl or whatever you need.

Love and gentle hugs, Jo x

3

Dear Elsie-Lou,

Welcome to the BCC Forum where I’m sure you’ll find lots of support from fellow members.  As Jo1 said, do also give our helpline a call.  They can offer practical information and emotional support.  They are open from 9-5 on weekdays and 10-2 on Saturdays.  The number is 0808 800 6000

Very best wishes

Janet

BCC Moderator

4

Oh Elsie-Lou, what an awful time you’re having. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and like Jo, I wish I could give you a hug.

 

I’m totally with you on how you feel about the loss of your little dog. And to lose him now with your diagnosis and when he’s so young, life seems so terribly unfair sometimes. When our wonderful sheepdog died it broke my heart and I felt I could never have any more pets as it was just too upsetting (but he was nearly 14 when he died, unlike your situation). I then got some chickens and one in particular became an amazing little pet and I loved her so much but she became very ill just as I got my diagnosis and three days before my first op I had to have her put to sleep. So I do empathise with you, although I’m lucky that I haven’t had the other difficulties that you’ve had to cope with.

 

You sound like an amazing person the way you’ve got on with life despite your difficulties but I can understand how everything that’s happened recently has detracted from what should be such a happy time for you getting married.

 

Do give the helpline a call. As Jo says, they can really help you. I’ve called them myself and have felt so much better afterwards. I noticed someone recently mentioned something whereby BCC can put you in touch with someone whose situation is very similar to yours - if you look in the publications section it’s a leaflet called ‘Someone like me’. Perhaps that might be a good thing to try.

 

I hope you start to feel a bit better about things soon.

 

Best wishes.

X

5

Thank you all very, VERY much for your replies. I really appreciate your messages.  I’m feeling a little better now, although obviously still quite upset about things.  A friend of mine has suggested going to see a private counsellor, however, I have been thinking about calling the BCC helpline instead, as I know they will understand more about how I’m feeling.

 

My physio is going really well and the class i attend has a lovely bunch of ladies in it.  And it’s great to see people improving every week, so it always gives me a boost when I go!!  I just wish it was everyday lol!!

 

I’m going to find out if there’re any local support groups i could go to once I’m able to drive again which, hopefully, will be next week, chest discomfort allowing.  Fingers crossed.  When I start driving again, that will help how I feel as I can get out of the house and not go stir crazy hehehe!! 

 

Thank you all again for the lovely messages XXX

6

Hi again Elsie-Lou - I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better. Certainly when you can start driving again it will make things feel a bit more normal and easier.

 

I definitely recommend calling the BCC helpline. They really helped me, even when I was beside myself with worry I came off the phone feeling calm and so relieved. They don’t rush you and will take the time to listen to how you feel and they have such a lot of knowledge and experience that they can offer really good advice, which non-BC friends and family just can’t help with, no matter how much they would like to.

 

Take care, and keep us posted on how you’re doing.

 

X