Hi All
Had a few people wondering where I am and if I’m OK, so I thought I’d do a quick update for anyone interested, as it’s all about me 
So I’ve pulled up a chair, got myself a cup of tea and I’m now ready to write an EPIC update, so brace yourselves if you’ve read this far…
I’ve had a LOT of downs recently, I don’t know if it’s due to yet more family problems or Tamoxifen or the reality kicking in after treatment OR just having WAY too much time on my hands to think - or a combination of all of it.
I’m very much stuck in no mans land, not knowing whats happening, which is a big psychological no-no for me. I like to know whats going on, when and have a plan.
I’m still not recovered, I’m still way to sleepy and can’t think straight enough to consider finding a job and holding one down.
I feel very angry that I’m being held back so much, especially after I busted a GUT getting as far career wise as I had in the last 5 years. I can’t see myself being back in that career yet at all. I was an IT Sales Account Manager (managing huge corporations accounts, organising renewals, new business, hand holding etc)
I was the bread winner, my OH is on £15k. I was earning £30k+ before.
So financially things have been tough, although we never lived the high life or beyond our means, we have had a lot of problems work wise over the past 5 years and this had led to debt we were sure we’d pay off once my OH got a job, he got a job the day after my diagnosis!!! So we’re in a bit of trouble. Fortunately I’m sooooo moneysupermarket and I’ve honed a lot of our bills right down and I’m a bargain queen. But this hand to mouth business grates like mad after a year! and we’ve had to do it before in the past.
So I suppose my main gripe is when am I going to be able to hold a job down and what am I going to do.
We’ve still got my stepdaughter living with us,but is gradually spending more time at Mums, we suspect because most of her friends are over that way. Mother has said some utterly disgusting things to SDs friends and other people in the area who have reported back to me. I’m evil, I only want SD living there because we can’t have kids of our own (said this to SD), I’m lazy (?!!!), I’ve been recovering from cancer for way too long now (this was 3 months after active treatment).
Our attic renovation still continues, we ran out of money and doing bits as and when we can, we’re sleeping up there now and it’s nice, but en-suite not done yet and can’t afford flooring or drawers.
I have an overriding feeling that a lot of people think I’m milking it now and really I’m alright. Well, I might look alright, I might seem to be doing stuff, but they don’t see me sometimes or feel my heart hammering and going woozy when I get an attack of the tireds, which is quite a lot.
I think I’m just frustrated. I’ve always been a get up and go person, never stopping, always pushing myself. And I’m just crushed by all this business. I’m bored of day by day and it’s hard to look at the future when you’ve no idea what is holds or if you can do it, or if you’re going to get a recurrence. Mortality is something I didn’t expect having to face at 35, so OK, I’m NED but out of 4 people who are the same as me, 1 will get it back and I’m one of lifes naturally unlucky people.
I’ve been crying easily recently, anything about cancer, babies or death. So I know I’m highly sensitive but rather than berating myself for being “weak”, I’m trying to see it as a good thing that I’m letting it out and not supressing myself, I don’t care what other people think but then… really I do.
That’s it for now I think ? xx
LOL.