on monday we went for a familymeal and my eldest daughter and hubby presented me with a baby scan photo… she is 13 wks and didnt tell me or anyone as she lost their frst last yr at 6wks well i cried and keep looking at the scan i am so happy but so scared that she is worrying about me every day (i am a widow and their dad died 8 yrs ago )we are so close and i know my kids find this hard. then i finish my chemo tomorrow so expected to feel ecstatic but i dont i am convinced it hasnt worked even though have faced it with positivity ,i have blotchy patches by my mx scar they appeared after 1st docetaxel 5 wks ago so am now waiting to see surgeon again to see if he wants to do biopsy i just cant see why they would appear if not related to the cancer also last couple days chest felt tight …one thing after another just getting so stressed …wanted to get chemo and rads done and move on but dont think this shitty disease will let me am sorry if i have depressed anyone just dont want to load my kids or brother and sister down…just never feel well as i used to … oh well thankyou for your ears and will rock on with last docetaxel tomorrow… take care all and stay strong…love rachel x
Hi Rachel, Sorry it has been an up and down week for you. What wonderful news about the baby, something to look forward to for you and to keep you fighting even if bc throws you another curve ball. I had and have all kind of symptoms from the moment of dx, sore underarm (though it turned out lymph wasn’t involved, pain in back of shoulder (which they reckon is something to do with nerves being disturbed), every manner of bruise/discolour around the operated area and scar.
You are absolutely right to get this checked out and I have my fingers crossed it is nothing. It could well be that the tightness is a stress symptom because you are worried and nothing sinister even though still horrible for you.
In some ways I don’t think I will ever be the same after bc because every pain transforms itself in my head into something nasty which is going to kill me. We just need to be vigilant and try as best we can to live every day to the full. I don’t want this horrible disease to blight the rest of my life and you need to be able to get on with your life and look forward to the little one’s arrival. Sorry you are having such a worrying time xx
thankyou mary grace yes i too have shoulder pain had mx in sept perhaps i expect too much am usually a strong positive person but his has sucked the spark from me but my first grandchild what a blessing … thankyou again x
Good luck for your next chemo tomorrow. Won’t it be great to get that behind you too. Just another thought. I’m sure I’ve seen someone on another thread saying it is very unlikely you would get spread/recurrence whilst having chemo. Surely it zaps all c cells and can’t hit some and miss others. Might your symptoms not be something to do with the chemo drugs? Hope so and that they settle down after tomorrow x
Hi fairy queen.
Great news about the baby and certainly something to look forward to.
I finished FEC two weeks ago and thought that I would feel great and raise the flags but I dont. Like you I feel that its too easy. Can that be it?
I think Mary Grace is right - we will never be the same again after our experiences but one day we will see the sun is shining and be able to live again.
I am hoping all will be well for you
Janvis
Hi Fairy Queen Brill name BTW I cannot comment on the Mx issues. But this time last year I was in dire straits. Recently Dx and on chemo, surgery to follow and generally besides myself and working full time. Then my son told me that he and my DIL were pregnant. Well that is what kep me going and I do hope that this will help you too through the difficult times ahead.Babe born in Jan I had finished rads Sept but had had a major asbcess to deal with after all that but the light at the end of the tunnel was my grand son. Hope you can see some light ahead too Love J xx
Hi fairyqueen. I can really relate to not wanting to burden everyone with our worries, I think the guilt of making things bad for everyone we care about is almost harder to bear than any physical treatments we have to endure. I’m sure you and I aren’t the only ones to be feeling that, but it’s so horrid. I bet you were close to tears when you typed your first post too. I can trace a few of my own that were written in the same state.
Congratulations on your impending grandchild. I’m sure your daughter is delighted to be able to give you something good to look forward to so, even if just for her sake, you go right ahead and look forward to it. You might not be able to do as much for her during her pregnancy as you’d probably like to - chemo hangover and rads will see to that - but try not to see that as a bad thing, just hang onto the fact that you WILL be able to do little things for her, and she will really appreciate it.
I think we all have to lower our own expectations of ourselves and that’s really, really hard to do. I’m a complete hypocrite here, I just pile on the expectations and stress myself out completely when I overload and things unravel at the edges, and in the middle, and I stretch myself so thin you could almost see through me. Sound familiar?
I’m not going to tell you to be kind to yourself, you probably wouldn’t listen to that advice. But do you think you’d be able to let other people be kind to you? If so, please have a gentle hug (and probably a soggy shoulder too) from someone else who’s been having major wobbles in the last day or two.
CM
x
thankyou so much cm i knew that everyone on here totally gets how we all feel the ups and downs will prob get uptomorrow and feel better and just pray that my blotches are nothing and my tight chest eases the kindness on this site is overwhelming …take car love rachel x
Hi Rachel
Just wanted to offer some support to you - Congratulations to you and your family on the good news and I hope that this will give you an extra boost to cope with your journey. I was widowed 16 years ago when my daughter was 6 and I feel i’ve spent a lifetime being all things to all people and even with the challenges that the surgery and chemo have given I’ve wanted to protect and reassure my family including my mum ( who is 76 ) I’ve just completed 4xEC and 4 tax and and it has taken it out of me and at times overwhelmed me but it’s now behind me. Like you I had similar side effects and sought help ( at one point I thought the chest pain /tightness was a cardiac issue - overactive imagination!!! ) the chemo nurse reassured me it was related to muscle aches & pains that can occur. I have found nothing but kindness from the oncology staff and they have been so helpful when I’ve wobbled.
Love
Angela x
Hi Rachel, just wanted to add that you are reaching the end of a long marathon with the chemo - and feeling emotional, anxious and wiped out is exactly what anyone would expect. It will take some time for you to feel ‘normal’ again, and of course every health niggle will take on epic proportions now, and for some time to come. But look how far you’ve come already - from diagnosis, surgery, and almost now at the end of chemo. You are amazing, do you realise that?
I have done four out of six chemo, and I am on my knees with tiredness, crying at the drop of a hat and generally feeling like a sucked and spat out smartie - but things WILL get better. If it’s hard for me, how much more tired are you, being that bit further along? Honey, it’s completely natural, and understandable.
The news of your grandchild is wonderful, a little light to hold onto - happy tears to shed, and by the time he/she arrives, you will be in so much better shape. Just hang on.
Sophie xxxxxxx
Dear Rachel first things first, congratulations on your wonderful news of your daughters pregnancy, and yes I completely understand the worries you feel and how you don’t want to burden your family. I to have a wonderful close family and my son’s partner is expecting their first child, and you feel like a roller coaster of emotions. I’m just about to start my chemo on the 9th so haven’t gone through like you, but after I put my first post up about being scared and emotional I was told that we have every right, we may be have to be warriors fighting BC but we are not super hero’s. Choccie muffin is right be kind to yourself. You have come so far. Thank goodness for this site, I am so going to miss it when it shuts for revamping . Take care and a big hug to you
Love Ruth x
thankyou angela sophie and ruth it was so good to hear your comments it reallyhelps take care and love to u all rachelx