Hi. i was diagnosed 10 days ago and with invasive lobular and due to have mastectomy on 7 december. been through a huge range of emotions and so many tears i never knew i had. i am only 43, 3 kids 19, 16 and a 7month baby and i am devastated… telling people has been so difficult, i don’t want sympathy but i don’t want them to try and cheer me up when they know nothing of what i’m going through. i feel sick to my stomach and petrified …
joanne xx
Jo-jo, of course you’re terrified; it would be strange if you were not. Can you break down the fears a bit? Is part of it the operation? Sometimes handling things in sections can help.
Hugs;
Sass xx
Hi Joanne, of course you are devastated, but you’ve come to the right place for support and understanding, even though I’m so sad you’ve had to find you way here xxx
I’m 41, have four children from 16 down to 7, and my initial tears and fears all revolved around them, but we can get through this. I had a left mx three weeks ago, and it was nowhere near as awful as I’d feared.
I too found telling people so hard - in the end I just sent out mass emails to everyone, and have found that communicating by email has been a godsend - I don’t have to answer until I’m ready, and I don’t have to deal with other people’s emotions when I’m sometimes barely in control of my own. Maybe this is something you could try?
Please keep coming on here, and asking questions - fear of the unknown is often the worst part, when you know what you are facing, and what steps you can take to battle, it is somehow easier.
Huge hugs
Sophie xx
my original fears were definitely centred around dying and my children, particularly the baby, and missing out on the future, and also not wanting them to be hurt that i’ve left them. i’m trying not to overload myself with too much and taking each step at a time so the operation is now in the forefront of my fear. i originally didn’t think and said reconstruction later, just get it out, but i now think i was too hasty and just reacted in a panic. The disfigurement is the scary part now, not the actual operation so i’ve woken today and changed my mind, but now think it might delay everything becaused i’m booked in for tues 7th. Need to speak to hospital but it’s weekend, it just feels like i’m being swept along and i have no control…
Hi really sorry to hear about your diagnosis I know exactly how you feel - I was diagnosed in january this year and the emotional turnmoil is unbelievable and my head was all over the place at first. I was told i couldn’t have re construction when I had my Masectomy as I would have to have RADs too - so that decision was taken out of my hands. My initial reaction was just get it out and I will worry about the rest after. I have now finished all my treatment and am now ready to start thinking about reconstruction and whilst its another op I appreciate that i will have the time to think about the options and also I am feeling so much stronger both physically and mentally to deal with it all. The ‘disfigurement’ as you say is not nice - but to be honest I have managed ok and my prothesis is very comfortable and I can wear normal clothes - no one can notice I only have one real boob! There are ladies on here though that had immediate re construction and again it has worked for them too - so there is no right or wrong answer - You have to decide what is best for you and how you feel.
The whole BC thing is a pile of poo to be honest and there’s no easy way - but you will be surprised how strong you are and by taking each step at a time you will be able to plan and take control of the situation. Once you have had your Op then you will get the results which will lead you to your treatment plan - it does get easier I promise you. I would ring your BCN on Monday and discuss all the options with her. Good luck with your treatment whatever your decision. xx
Dear Joanne,
I am very sorry you have had to join this site. Breast cancer is a total ****bag. Like you I was in complete turmoil when I was diagnosed on 14th October. (Invasive +DCIS + Nodes) I’m 40 with a 4 year old son and all I could think about was him.
I can promise that it does get better. My son said after I was first diagnosed that I loved him too much: I suppose I was compensating; it crossed my mind that I wasn’t going to be there.
The fact you are having surgery so soon will mean that you are starting to beat this. If they offered reconstruction and you turned it down you can always change your mind if it is an option. Given the rollercoaster you are on changing your mind should be fine as long as they have the right team available. I would ring the breast nurse on Monday and ask her to look into it for you.
Other who have had mx will be able to give more advice on this but if they offered it, it should still be available if you want it. You may have to wait a little longer for the right surgeon though.
Thinking of you and your family,
Love,
Sue
Thanks everyone for the comments. Today feels like i’m turning a corner with this, only cried once so far! i’m sure you’re right that it will get better,but the waiting and not knowing what’s going on in there is driving me mad. I hate the fact that this ‘poison’ is growing in me and i’ve no idea why it even started. i’ve actually had this ‘lump’ for at least 8 months noticeable, but thought it was a blocked milk duct with having the baby. i now feel so stupid and sick that i convinced myself that this was the case and that it couldn’t be anything else as ‘it will never happen to me’. How wrong was i?
sorry too that you have had to join here but it is the most wonderful place to get reassurance, help & believe it or not have a laugh too - like you I have a small child - girl of 4 & initially all I could think was that I was going to die & that she would grow up without her mum - heartbreaking - not enough tears to deal with that - BUT you DO get used to all this & once your treatment starts you will see & feel that there is a future & you can get through this.
I had my MX on 29th Oct & am waiting to start chemo in a couple of weeks as had issues with my wound. I too was told no immediate recon due to RADS. Some women are happy with their recon but some still feel mutilated afterwards & it doesn’t actually help them. Take their advice on it. You do get used to life with only 1 boob & it’s best to get the treatment right to get rid of the cancer & worry about how you look later I think (but that’s just me) - call your BCN & talk it thorugh Monday
hugs XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Dear Jo-Jo,
Please don’t blame yourself about not referring yourself sooner. I am sure lots of people will tell you they had the same experience. Especially younger women.
I know exactly how you feel as I waited 8 months to see GP. I had a negative mammogram because of a lump in 2009 . When dodgy boob lump arrived I was convinced it couldn’t be anything dodgy because I had been seen. Didn’t want to be one of the worried well.
What matters most is that you now know what you are dealing with and you can beat this.
Do take care
Lots of love,
Sue
hey jo jo,
sorry you have had the BC dx, what your feeling is the same as what we have all been though, so keep focused that its all a process that we all go through. we are all here to support each other and since my dx on sept 20th its been the best thing ever. there is always someone that feels or has felt what you are feeling.
you will have good and bad days, and different emotions. some you’ll learn from and some will feel like waisted days. you’ll also find your own way of copying. and people around you will also learn to adapt the way in which will help most.
keep going hunny, the first part is the worse, youll find once things get moving it goes fast, xxxx
Hi. Seemed to feel more positive late yesterday and was ok when i got up, but after a trip round the supermarket (although there was no traumatic incident) i started feeling really anxious and full of panic, then the tears came again. i just don’t feel that this is ever going to feel any better. ive never suffered from anxiety/palpitations before (is this normal?) i just want to feel me again and enjoy my family life
Joanne xx
Completely normal - you’ve been given news that has really scared you, of course you’re going to be feeling extreme emotions, and they do tend to creep on you out of nowhere.
I had just one day like that when I was waiting for my surgery date… I hadn’t found out by the time I was told I would, couldn’t get hold of anyone to chase it up, and spent the whole day with my heart fluttering and my mouth dry, twitchy and anxious - just horrible. It does get better… I promise you, and where you are now is the hardest part. Once things start moving, you will start to feel better.
Big hugs - be kind to yourself, whatever you feel is right for you, but if you start having trouble sleeping, do call your gp for help - tiredness makes everything so much harder to cope with.
Sophie xxx
Hi Jo
I really sympathise. It is dreadfully shocking when you are first dx. It is no good telling you it will get better, because although I hope it will, what you are feeling right now is awful. My BCN recommended that I kept a diary of emotions. I wrote down what I felt and it helped me get it out. It also helped me to realise when I was starting to feel better. I went through a real grieving period after dx. I grieved for the peace of mind I had lost, for the trust I had in the future for myself and my children, who were 2 and 4 at the time. You are doing great by simply being honest about how you feel. You are not bottling it up and I am sure that will help you in the future. I am now finished chemo and have 5 rads to go. I see a councillor every couple of weeks and it is greets. I say all of the things that worry me. She helps me deal with my uncertainties. I know when I feel the panic rising what it is and that it will be gone soon. Now I hardly get bothered at all. It is just my bodies reaction to stress.
Please keep being honest. Don’t bury your feelings. Once you recognise that these awful feelings pass, the next time they happen you can work through them more quickly. It is not a quick process and everyone is different. We all go through bad times, but I hope soon you will start to enjoy things. I don’t look too far into the future, but I do have very happy days.
Take care of yourself .
Dx
Hi Joanne
I can completely relate to what you are saying. I am 36 with 2 children aged 3 and 6. When I was diagnosed i could barely look at them without feeling so sad and scared i wasnt gonna be there for them. As time goes on you will have more good days than bad. As for panic-this is so normal. On a very bad day i feel like im having a panic attack. Have to keep busy to keep mind off it.
Keep using this site it really is invaluable. The only problem i have with it is that i cant type so am wearing out the one finger
With love and hugs
Deb XX
jo jo, all normal hunny xx
today is totally my worst day ever, i feel like i’m going mad. it’s the day before my MX and i can’t stop crying, it just comes out in a huge rush, i can’t stop it. Hubby is at breaking point, he’s never seen me in such a state, i’m an absolute mess. i feel like someone’s died …
Hi Jo-jo
I cant tell you not to be scared of tomorrow. What I can tell you is that I was where you were last October and time does make the fear and worry fade.
My advice to you would be: run a nice bubbly bath, light a few candles, lie in the bath and close your eyes and try to relax. I found it really helpfull to start a wee diary to write down the worries and fears–then close it away till after the op.
Pack your bag, taking some nice wee treats such as hand cream, chocs and I had to have my lippy!
Its really ok to cry and of course you are worried bout your hubby, but in a few days-Im sure- youll look back at these messages and see how far youve come.
Best wishes for tomorrow
We’re all here for you
Cathie
Jo-jo, you are totally and utterly normal to be grieving… it IS like someone died, you are losing a part of you and starting a whole new life - it’s scary, it’s terribly sad, and grief is a perfectly normal emotion. I don’t know if you’ll read this before your op, I’m hoping you tuck yourself up in bed for an early night with your OH and a bottle or two of wine…
You will be fine, honestly you will be. And you will still be a beautiful, strong woman afterwards - perhaps even more beautiful and strong for going through this.
Massive hugs
Sophie xxx
Hi
I am so sorry you are feeling so low - everything you are experiencing is completely normal - I know that doesn’t help you because all you want is to not feel like this but I promise you it will and does get better as time goes on. I had a meltdown the night before my MX - no sleep & a chronic migraine by the time I got to the hospital so I had to be give IV paracetamol & anti sickness in a side room waiting to go up for the op. when I came round & it was all done I just felt a massive sense of relief that the cancer was out. This IS a terrible hard & upsetting thing that is happening to you and your husband but you can & you will get through it & come out the other side. Massive hugs & all good wishes for tomorrow
Jo, so sorry to hear you so down and I know a lot of what you’re feeling, although not all as I don’t have kids and I can appreciate that that adds a whole other dimension to things.
The other posts in reply to you are great, this is a fantastic support network for when you need it most. I was completely gutted with my dx and originally it was just going to be a small op and rads but when they did the op they discovered grade 3 nastiness in there and I was told I’d have to have a mx. This really hit me hard, I just couldn’t get my head around it, uncontrollable tears, just couldn’t come to terms with it although logically I could see it would be the best thing to do…the result was that now I’m having chemo, followed by mx and immediate recon then rads - dunno why in this order.
Today on my second chemo I was talking to the woman next to me (she was young, in her 30s at most) and she showed me her mx scar. It was honestly OK and nothing like as bad as I’d imagined (I’d seen some scary images on the internet) She was happy with it and has no intention of having a recon as it is extra surgery, and can lead to further complications. I could really understand what she was saying and although I still plan to have a recon, I no longer see mx as the mutilation that I did previously.
The emotions are awful, I had weeks of going through similar to how you feel right now but I can honestly say that once you get started it does get better. I know it sounds crass, but there are silver linings - my OH has proved amazing and I’ve been really touched by the kindness and support of people around me. You will feel crap and each new bit of this will hit you (last week I sobbed when my hair started to fall but now I have no hair and pleasantly surprised at the fact that I don’t look too bad, and even looking forward to having new short hair dos when it starts to grow back)
I hope it all goes well for you today (yes, you may well ask yourself what I’m doing on the internet at such an hour!) Will be thinking of you. Keep on here, it really helps
xxx