Ever had one of these 'wobbles'??

Hi all,

hope the sun is shining wherever you are! Anyway, I had a bit of a ‘wobble’ yesterday and I’m just wondering whether this strikes a chord with any fellow younger ladies?

I came home from my CMF 2 day 1 chemo and was my usual tearful self (don’t know why but always seem to get a bit weepy when I get home from chemo, even though it all went v.well). Anyway, this was much worse than normal. I got to wondering what would happen if this treatment doesn’t work. This then led to me getting seriously upset and crying big time on my boyfriends shoulder. I told him how I so desperately want to marry him and have his babies but how I was now starting to worry that that may never happen. There are so many things I’ve yet to do and sometimes I get so scared that I may die before I can fulfil these dreams.

Not sure what yesterday was all about really, or where it came from, but it was a seriously big wobble, and much worse than any I’ve ever had before. Do any of you guys ever have these thoughts at all?

My boyfriend was awesome as ever. Saying and doing all the right things in a desperate bid to make me feel better. Trouble is I’m still scared and not sure if that feeling will ever go away. Most of my days these days are ‘good’ days, where I’m very positive about things and am confident that all the treatment is working, so when I get a day such as yesterday it really knocks me for six. Does this strike a chord with anyone?

Well, thanks for ‘listening’ and as ever any replies will be much appreciated,

Kelly
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hi kelly
I have had several wobbles - the worst was when i told my husband to leave me and find someone else. he was devastated and broke down in tears. I am constantly scared that i will not live to see my lovely 7 year old grow up. I want so badly to see his children but feel it is not to be
Breast cancer knocks all the confidence that you previously had in your life

Jools

Kelly

Not being one of the younger ladies, technically, although I used to feel quite young pre BC days, maybe I shouldn’t answer this, but I will anyway!

I definitely get days like this, mostly when the steroids wear off after the chemo. For me that will be this weekend so I am expecting a weekend of tears, self pity and being cross with all around me. This time that will just be my husband so I already feel sorry for him. Most of the time I am ok like you but it just gets to you sometimes. My fears and dreams are different because I am older but I want to see my daughters married and to have grandchildren and to visit all the other places on my list that I haven’t got to yet. I can understand that this probably seems selfish to younger people like you as you have not had children yet or to others who have very young children because I have, at least had my own children and seen then grow to be wonderful adults, but still I want more than that. I think we have dreams of what we still want to do at any age - I saw on another site somewhere a man who wanted to be a great grandfather and I thought well there’s virtually no chance of me being a great grandmother. Jools is so right when she says that your confidence is knocked. I never used to have doubts about the future but obviously that is different now.

I’m not having a good week really to be honest as I heard on Monday that a friend from where we used to live died of a different form of cancer last week and her funeral was yesterday. My husband ond one of my daughters went as I couldn’t as I had my PICC line put in and chemo on Tuesday. Our 2 daughters were friends from an early age and I am so upset that my friend has gone and also it makes me feel more frightened for myself.

Sorry I meant to try to cheer you up as you do so often for others and all I have done is rant on about me.

But anyway you know you are not alone in feeling this way from time to time and we have to make the most of the times when we feel more positive. Good luck, I am sure these feelings will pass quite quickly and you will get back to your ususal positive and confident approach.

All the best

Anne

Hi Kelly

You’re not alone - I think we all have them at times. I know my chemo is working and that the tumour has nearly disappeared, but it doesnt stop me worrying about the rest of the treatment - and of course, once this is all over, will the damned thing ever come back ?

I’m usually a pretty confident and positive person, but occasionally the enormity of the situation sinks in, and I have a wobble too ! I’m sure its normal !

Anyway, I’m fortunately having a positive day today, so sending all those positive thoughts your way ! Not to mention the big hug too!

Take care

Love Julie xx

Hi Kelly,

Am sorry you’re feeling wobbly, but totally understand where you’re coming from. I have been more scared and stressed and worried than I ever have in my life. last time I wobbled and posted on here you said very sensible lovely things which cheered me up a lot so I hope I can do the same. I think you were same as me in that you had surgery pre chemo so it’s tricky for us to know if it’s working, but the effect it’s having on our bodies, it’s certainly doing something there!! I spoke to my bc nurse when I wobbled and said “I think it’s just the drugs” and she said, you have cancer, it’s shit and you’re allowed to cry and shout and be upset about it, but you’re doing all the right things, getting the best treatment available. We just have to try and stay as healthy as we can do, and as positive as we can (for our own sake!) and take everything they want to to throw at us to get this bloody thing out of here for good.

You have been so so positive on here through all of this. You are allowed to be upset and fed up. I’m so pleased that you’re OH is being fantastic. Let people support you and get you through the bad spells and you’ll soon bounce up again.

It so traumatic, on mind and body but more and more people are getting better and recovering from BC - hang on to all the positives, disregard the negatives (as to be honest I understand that having all the facts work for some people but it doesn’t really help me!!) and start planning a lovely fabulous holiday when this is all over. me and hubby are planning on St Lucia in January - I am already buying clothes!!

Sending you lots of love
L xx

Hi ladies,

thank you all so much for replying so quickly, I v.much appreciate it. Its very reassuring to hear that, as I suspected, these ‘wobbles’ albeit unpleasant are perfectly normal.

I am very pleased you got in touch Anne, to be honest I was toying with the idea of posting this on the ‘living with bc’ or ‘undergoing treatment’ pages as I wanted to give it a wide audience (if you know what I mean?). Anwway, I am v.grateful for you taking the trouble to respond. I hope this weekend isn’t too tearful for you, or any of us for that matter! My poor boyfriend always draws the short straw as I hate to cry in front of our mums and friends. If your hubby is anywhere near as psychic as my boyfriend I’ve no doubt he will be prepared for the tears! I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend, I imagine that was particularly hard to take right now. Although you had to miss the funeral I’ve no doubt your hubby and daughter were able to convey your condolances to her family. I only hope that your chemo and PICC line went well.

Julie - I think those positive thoughts you sent me are starting to reach me now, hurrah!! And thanks v.much for the hug, I got that too, and right back at 'cha!!

Jools - Bless your husband! Our OH’s have to put up with soooo much while we’re struggling through treatment and stuff. I get all the attention on me and my poor boyfriend often gets cast aside, bless him! I’m sorry, although not surprised, to hear that you have had ‘wobbles’ too. I really hope that as time goes on all our old confidence will slowly be rebuilt,

Take care all and thanks again, you’re ace!!!

Kelly
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Hi Lizalou,

thank you so much for getting in touch. Your post was lovely and I’m really grateful. St.Lucia sounds just the ticket, I’m soooo jealous!! I think me and my boyfriend are off to Portugal in the new year, soon as I finish my rads and hopefully before I start Herceptin. We’re big golfers but have never been on a golfing holiday before so thats what we’re planning to do.

What your bc nurse said to you was so true, and I’m really glad you mentioned it as I don’t feel so bad about these ‘down’ days now. As you say though, because we had surgery before chemo its impossible to tell whether its working and all these side effects are worth it! I’m sure it is, its got to be!!!

Take care of yourself, thanks again for responding, and please keep in touch,

Take care,

Kelly
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I’m constantly being reminded that it’s OK to have a good cry… much better than bottling it all up! Before all this bc c**p, I was renowned for bottling things in and not letting go, but there have been so many emotions to deal with that they just had to come out. Feels awful at the time, but you do feel better for it afterwards.

Keep remembering that it’s perfectly normal to have ups and down on this huge roller-coaster and most downers will be closely followed by moving on upwards again! I live on my own (just me and my dog!) so no-one really to offload onto. Lots of texts come in asking how I’m doing, but it seems to have replaced a good old conversation on the phone, which I’d probably prefer… does anyone else find that’s happening to them too?

Keep smiling… and keep crossing off the weeks… it’s surprising how the time does past. I had my 4th Epi today… last one before starting on Xeloda tablets… whew… another landmark in the whole big picture!!

All the best everyone, especially Kelly… hope your over your downer and rising up again!

Ali x

Hi Kelly

I’m sorry that you have had a serious wobble!

Since joining the forum, I’ve noticed that you have responded to most posts with the kindest of messages and support for the newly dx and happiness for those more fortunate than ourselves. I’m in the older age group, but have total admiration for the way you deal with everything.

Hope your feeling a lot better.

Take care

Maggie x

Hi Kelly

I think wobbles are par for the course. As well as needing tissues for the runny nose I needed to have them handy in case the tears wouldn’t stop.

I blubbed on hubby, brother, boss, district nurse, practice nurse and doctor. I still have a bad day every now and then. I think most people are used to me now.

As you know at the moment I’m trying not to worry about Sarah, hubby is returning and she has appointment at breast clinic on Tuesday. I’ll post when I get news. I go on holiday with her and grandson on the 19th so I’m looking forward to that. No doubt I’ll need another holiday when I get back.

Take care

Marilyn x

I’ve also been have emotional times when the steroids wear off each time, so Mon-Tues following a Thursday chemo.

This week, though, my “wobblies” have been anger related rather than upset. I wonder if my OH has picked up why it’s been happening or not wondered what’s hit him…

mousy, starting to calm down now but off to London tomorrow to say the final bye to the folks who are heading back to NZ and expecting that that will set me off again

Oh ladies,

thanks you so much, as ever, for your unfloundering support. You’re all truly awesome!!!

Marilyn - I really hope the news for Sarah is good on Tues and her appt goes well. Lets hope her hubby returning works out v.well. Have an awesome hoilday too, I’m sure it’ll be just what the Dr ordered!

Mousy - I hope that saying goodbye to the folks heading back to NZ today isn’t too trauamtic for you. I’ve no doubt you’ll be a blubbering wreck though, I know I would be! Mind you, it dooesn’t take me much these days!

Take care all, thanks again, and I hope you enjoy your weekend whatever you get up to,

Thankfully I am feeling much much brighter today and more like my ‘old self’, long may it continue! Off to the golf course shortly too, lovely!!

Kelly
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Kelly

Just wanted to add a ditto to all of the above. My wobbles only come with those blasted steroids, it’s the combination of them and feeling completely awful & useless post chemo. The feeling that you’ll always feel that way and the realisation that your life has changed forever.

But you know it’s true what everyone says about having to have the bad days but I think what we go through is enough to make a saint wobble. 12 months ago going through just ONE of the stresses associated with cancer would have knocked me for six but somehow I (& you all) get up again and take what’s next. It’s the overwhelming need to survive that gets us through and I for one have been amazed at my own strength.

Have you had any egg freezing procedures etc done? Were you offered help with the fertility aspect?

My friend was telling me about her gran the other day who is 93. I thought, how the hell do you get to 93? That’s amazing. I can never DREAM of being 93. I desperately want to see my 2 and 5 yr old grow up and have their own kids then I can die happy. I just hope to see that more than anything in the world. When I see people on TV who are 80-odd NIMBYs moaning about someone wanting to build an airport in their village I seethe. If I got to 80-odd I’d never moan about anything else again.

I wanted to say too about Jools asking her husband to leave. I’ve had that too - I want my kids to have a mum and him to have a partner should I not be here. He wasn’t too pleased and told me to shut up (in the nicest possible way!) and let him help get me better.

Enough wittering…
LOL
Alison
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Hi Kelly

Thought would join in - I have had a few wobbles recently, and hope that you had a fab time on the golf course and forgot all your troubles for a few hours. If you live near Essex, let me know, as hubby runs golf club and can get you free rounds if you like.

Alison - said same to my husband about getting someone else to help him look after the children and he told me to shut up and stop being stupid, but is a worry isn’t it. Mine are 8 months and 3 years old. But heres to good results for all of us.

Love
Dawn
xx

Hi alison & dawn,

thanks so much for your support and sharing your feelings re; wobbles.

Alison - initially we were desperate to have some eggs ‘harvested’ before I started chemo as we haven’t yet started a family. However after much soul searching we decided that we wanted to get the chemo goin asap and so decided against. As it happens I am grateful that we came to this decision on our own as after that we were told that fertility treatment would not have been an option anyway as my tumour was strongly hormone receptive. Apparently you have to be ‘pumped’ full of hormones to stimulate egg production and this is not a good idea with hormone receptive tumuors. Bu**er!!! Anyway, we are still holding out hope that I will still be fertile once all this nasty stuff is over and done with. Only time will tell I guess, fingers and toes crossed! We have already discussed adoption as a serious option if we have problems conceiving. Not quite how I imagined my life would pan out but I guess it rarely goes the way we plan it!

I know what you mean about 80 yr olds moaning about this and that! I remember watching corrie a couple of months back when Gail was kicking off as her family had organised a surprise 50th birthday bash for her and she wasn’t best pleased. I said to my mum and boyfriend that should I be fortunate enough to reach the ripe old age of 50 you certainly won’t hear me whinging about a surprise party. I would be shouting it from the rooftops!!!

Dawn - thank you so much for the offer of a ‘freebie’ at your hubby’s golf course! We live in Shropshire but my family live in Kent so we may well take you up on that offer!!!

Take care and I hope you are enjoying your weekends,

Kelly
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Kelly,

Glad you are pretty OK about the fertility thing at the moment - it’s true what you say things don’t always turn out as you plan. I wish you all the best for trying for a baby when you chose to. There’s still a possibilty you might concieve but it’s great that you are considering adoption too.

Dawn, it’s so strange isn’t it that with what we are going through our main concern is for others - I think that’s what leaves my hubby dumbfounded somethimes. I suppose it’s a bit of a coping mechanism.

Oh Kelly, by the way, that Gail’s always been a miserable cow. Here’s to our 50th (I got another 16 yrs to go but hey, miracles happen!!)

Lol
Alison
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Hi Kelly

As usual I am the last to read anything on these forums…but just to say that it is natural to have wobblies, I’ve had loads. Brain cancer a couple of years after breast cancer so I am entitled to a few wobblies…but they do pass, so I am glad to see you are feeling brighter. I do read these postings but not always join in, but just want to say that I do notice your postings a lot, but I don’t think we can go into our profiles so I am a bit in the dark with what people have had regarding breast cancer. I read a marvellous book “Mind Power” while going through the 2nd lot of cancer, it is all about the subconscious mind, and it is well worth reading…I know my positive attitude is due to reading this book. Go well Love Roz xx

Hi Kelly

Sorry I have just read this thread, 2 days behind.

I haven’t had the experience of going through chemo and probably wont need it, so I don’t know what its like with side effects and how it makes you feel, but it sounds worse than surgery and you have had both.

I’m sorry you had a bad day the other day, I felt really sad when I read your msg, you are such a positive and caring lady and you bring such positivity to all of us on here and we all really appreciate the time and effort you make in replying to everybodies threads, I don’t know how you keep up with everyone as I have to keep reading everybodies first msg to remember what they are initially talking about.

Your boyfriend sounds a fantastic guy and he always makes you feel better doesn’t he. Out of all what your going through, your one BIG positive in all of this is you have a fantastic man who loves you no matter what and you love him and i’m sure that will get you through all of this.

I have said to my husband things like, " I need to do a list of things and places to go to before I die" and the other day he got a pension statement and we were discussing what we would do with the lump sum from his pension, (by the way he’s 41 and i’m 38, so not for a while yet), but I turned round and said “well I doubt I’ll be here then”. He made a point of saying, nobody knows if they’ll be here in 10, 20, 30, 40, years time. Which I think is a good point, just because we have cancer it doesn’t mean we only have a short life and there is plenty of other things you can get in life, or you could just walk out the door and get knocked over, here today gone tomorrow.

The point i’m trying to make maybe not very clearly, is that we should try and see this as a blip in our lives albeit a major blip but something that we can hopefully overcome and return to our lives and live our lives to the full. I definately will now live my life differently, I will never take for granted what I have got and will make the most of every opportunity.

When your treatment is over, have that fantastic holiday, and I hope and pray that you will be able to have children Kelly as you really deserve a break.

Hope your game of golf was good.

As your original msg was 2 days ago, I bet your already back to your cheery, positive self.

Lots of love

Debs
xxx

Hi Alison. Roz & Debs,

thank you all so much for getting in touch, I’m truly grateful. I am pleased to say that (finally) my mood has now well and truly lifted and I’m back to my usual chipper self again. Hurrah!!! I know I will continue to have these ‘wobbles’, but hopefully they will become much less frequent as my treatment progresses and I begin to feel more like my old self.

Alison - Yeah, gail is a bit of miserable cow, I must agree with you there. Mind you. with an awful son like David to contend with I can’t say I blame her! Ta v.much for the best wishes for our future plans to conceive, much appreciated.

Roz - Thanks for the tip about the ‘Mind Power’ book, I shall certainly be googling that! My counsellor has suggested I may consider looking at certain books and that certainly sounds like the sort of thing she was on about.

Debs - Your hubby has certainly hit the nail on the head there, its true enough what he says. I suppose in a weird way we should sort of be ‘grateful’ (wrong choice of word I know!) as havin bc has certainly made me realise that I’m not invincible and to make the most of every day and not just take things for granted. Simon is awesome and thankfully our love just gets stronger every day, I honestly don’t think I could’ve got through any of this without him. You’re so right debs, although this is a major blip in all our lives, we WILL get through, and come out fighting! My game of golf was v.g ta and we even managed to stay for some lunch in the clubhouse afterwards which was lovely.

Take care and I hope you are all enjoying your weekends and the sun is shining on you wherever you are,

Kelly
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