I posted a week or so ago saying how scared I was having just been diagnosed with grade 3 cancer that has spread to my lymph nodes… I got some great messages and advice how to stay sane.
I’ve managed to pretty much get through the days since then (with the aid of sleeping tablets to allow me some sleep at night) but last night I just lost it.
We’d taken the children to the seaside for the day and were on our way home late last night. We stopped to get KFC for the kids and in the queue to pay, it suddenly hit me like a tsunami that the very real reality I *could* be facing is that my cancer may have spread. I am imagining it everywhere and can’t shake the real fear that the CT scan this weekend is going to shred the tiny bit of hope I have left that it is ‘just’ (!!!) breast cancer I am dealing with.
I have woken this morning (after a sleeping-tablet induced sleep) feeling like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep and not deal with any of this fear. I’ve got up because I had to (the kids need feeding, dressing etc) but I am still in my pjs and can’t face the thought of a shower, making lunches, doing washing etc.
I want to get to the CT scan and results, but ONLY if they are good… I don’t think I can actually cope with any more bad news and the very real fear that those results could mean all my options would be taken away from me.
I feel completely adrift and just don’t know how to get through this. I am driving myself crazy with symptom spotting and (really) bad thoughts.
I was also diagnosed with Grade 3 and lymph node involvement last autumn. Have had surgery , chemo, rads and still got Herceptin ongoing. The lymph node involvement is scary for us all but my CT scan was clear. However the scanxiety you’re feeling is completely normal although that doesn’t make it any less dreadful to deal with. Keep posting on here as we all ‘get it’, and if you start chemo then do join the monthly thread with others starting at a similar time - that has been a huge support for me and still is, 10 months after diagnosis.
I’m new on here so not best placed to offer advice but just saw your post and wanted to reach out to you.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this and can understand how scared you must be feeling right now. Perhaps you could phone and speak to a BCC nurse? I know they will understand and offer you better advice than I can.
But I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the very best for your CT scan.
Okay this is a “bad” day it is all the waiting for the results etc and it only adds to your anxiety my friend, just get through today and deal with tomorrow when it arrives
We are all right by your side my dear virtually holding your hand xxxx
The helpline here is also great on a bad day - they are so lovely and calming .It is actually very very unusual with breast cancer for it to have spread beyond lymph nodes when first diagnosed - I will try and find the stats for you .
It’s 5% so you would be very unlucky .We all felt the same when first diagnosed and it comes in waves ,you are doing something completely normal and it suddenly hits you that life isn’t " normal ".You will feel better as time goes on and get to grips with the new normal .Jill.x
That makes me feel better but we have no way of knowing HOW long I’ve had the cancer. I only found the lump a month ago but one of the drs said it could’ve been growing in me for years!!!
I’ve given into self-pity and spent today wallowing. The older kids have watched dvds and as soon as my littles went for his afternoon nap, I crawled back into bed myself. I don’t feel any better for it and now need to try and rally myself for dinner, baths, bed etc!
I want to be upbeat and positive, I just can’t find the energy.
All our cancers will probably been developing for years Nic-my surgeon said could even have started developing up to 10 years ago with certain cell changes .you found a lump you acted on it .If you have to write today off and start again tomorrow -so be it .Get a takeaway,let the little ones have a night off from the bath and have a look at all the positive stories on here from ladies much further down the line .
Great advice from Jill! Make life as easy as possible these next few days , who cares if you eat chips every night for tea and the kids just get a spit wash! Your feelings right now are completely normal, your mind is trying to work this out with very little fact to go on , we call it limbo land and it’s the worst place to be.
Once you have all the facts you will amaze yourself how much calmer you will feel, and as Jill rightly says the chances of this having spread beyond your nodes is minimal , I remember my daughter in law asking me how I felt one day and I said if it wasn’t for you kids I’d chuck myself under a bus, it really upset her and I was horrified I had said it but it was a true reflection on just how low I was, fast forward 2.5 years and that daughter in law Is about to present us with our very first grandchild! You will do this and life will get back to a some sense of normality again Xx Jo
There’s nothing wrong with a good wallow at times like these…
It’s so much tougher when you have children to look after but it’s really important that you look after yourself too. Sorry to state the bleedin’ obvious.
Please try and be kind to yourself and do something nice for you if you can. I find listening to my favourite music in the bath with my headphones in (so I can play it as loud as I like!) really helps, even if it’s only for a short time.
(Also tried a couple of mahoosive G&Ts but that just made me feel far worse so I do not recommend that!).
My littlest one is up from his nap and I feel bad that I can’t take my middle child to her swimming lesson (as I’m unshowered and still in my pjs!!)
I’m unsure what of my ‘symptoms’ are anxiety/stress related and what are actually me feeling ‘ill’. I didn’t feel at all unwell until I was given the definite diagnosis last Thursday but since then I have had something different every day to add to my list of woes!!
Added to that my armpit feels really achy again and I am positive I can feel a huge lump there (which I wasn’t aware of before) and assume it is the cancerous lymph node(s).
I’m not eating much because I’m not that hungry but when I do get hungry and start preparing something, by the time I go to eat it I’m not hungry for it anymore!
I know I must sound like a complete whinge-bag who needs to sort herself out and I don’t know whether I need a kick up the a to make me do that or whether I need sympathy/empathy or what ever else!
I don’t remember a time I’ve ever felt so lost or scared.
nik nik i have been told the opposite as its grade 3 and fast growing its probably been there a matter of months than years, throw in that im her2+ they have said that explains why it has grown so fast so it may not of been a case of it being there for years at all
I don’t know yet whether I am her2 positive or not - I guess I’ll find out soon (have my first oncology appointment on Wednesday).
They always make a big thing about ‘catching it early’ and how treatment is so much better if it’s caught early - but they don’t seem to know how long mine has been there so how do I know if I caught it early?! I caught it as soon as I found a lump, but I never religiously checked before so it may have been there and only became noticeable to me when it (and my armpit) became painful!
I am feeling slightly less wrecked today! I tried to go to sleep without the sleeping tablets last night (as I was wondering whether they were part of the reason I feel so rubbish during the days (tired, lethargic, fuzzy-headed), but after an hour of laying there, brain spinning, I decided to take them and got to sleep pretty quickly afterwards. The doozy of a headache I had last night is nowhere near as bad today so that is good.
Just 2 more days to get through until the CT scan and less than a week until my oncology appointment… I just hope the news is ‘good’ and I can start focussing on treatment rather than ‘what ifs’.
You will do this and life will get back to a some sense of normality again Xx Jo