I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3.5 yrs ago - and secondries 3yrs ago. It was the 18th Dec and i had no intention of going home to Dublin but my brother kindly paid for my flight (£300) so i could be home for xmas and be back for my radiotherapy. The thing is I was very close to my sister before cancer but she cut me off after diagnosis. We had (since my dad died in 91) gone to her house for christmas (mam would prepare the turkey and stuffing and ham so other than veg not an awful lot to do) but it was easier as she had 2 small children who were the love of my life! the little girl (my niece) and I were so joined it was lovely - she was one of my veins - but as soon as I got Cancer my sister cut me off - i realise this was probably to protect her children as she probably wanted them distanced from me before I die - I tried explaining that bone secondries can last many years - but I lost My bes friend and my family all at once. As a nurse its not hard to avoid Xmas holidays - you can work it - but I thought it would be great to go home this year - thats until i got the call from my 76yr old mother to say I should phone my sister before making arrangements!! (before cancer the situation was if i wasn’t working - i would be home! no questions asked! no invitations necessary!)Ive got my flight - my lovely brother might be at his in-laws and I now know I’m still not welcome at my sisters - albeit I have a full head of hair and am working more hours than any of them have ever worked in a very physically and mentally taxing job - I am still the sister with cancer - who Nobody contacts anymore - unless to tell them “you’re not welcome” in a round about way! - Has anyone else had such a reaction from their family?? I was 36 when I was diagnosed, single, no children and feel like such an outcast!!Cancer has been the easier part of the last 3.5 years which is remarkable in itself as I thought the diagnosis was the end of life as I knew it - never thought people could be so cruel - especially your own. Very sad - wish the whole thing was over (christmas not life!)
Hey max
Firstly, here’s a ((((HUG)))). How awful for you to be dealing with this in your situation.
Damn cancer has so much to answer for. I can understand that people do have such emotional reactions to cancer and sometimes those closest to us react completely out of character. I have learned in life just because I will do something or act in a particular way, it doesn’t mean the next person will whether I think they should or not. I
Learned that when my father died a few years ago - my brother acted like the whole episode was a business transaction and was too matter of fact…he even struggled with taking a day off work for his funeral. It was our step dad, but he was our mothers husband for 30 odd years…he should have been more supportive for his mother…he was so selfish…I’ve since forgiven him as I hate malice and he is my brother…but it hurts all the same.
Have you ever tried writing a letter to your sister and putting your feelings to her that way if she refuses to see you in person? Or have you already tried that approach? And are you not welcome in your mothers or brothers homes? Why should your sisters reaction pull you away from your mum and bro or do they agree with her?
It’s so damn unfair and I’m sitting here totally frustrated for you. I can sense you have a good spirit as even though you must be hurting you haven’t slammed your sister in anyway…I can see you are trying to understand why she acted that way to protect herself and her children from further grief but yes, it’s cruel on every level.
The worse thing about family disagreements in times of grief is that when a person is gone there is no re-dress…the opportunity to say sorry has passed. I have witnessed family arguments during a bereavement and also during run ups to weddings…that’s the time they rear their ugly head and near enough 100% of the time regret follows. I have witnessed a grown ass man stand up at his fathers funeral and admit they fell out and hadn’t reconciled and he stood there and turned to the casket and said sorry. I was upset as it was too late…he was gone and he did it to clear his own conscience…he knew his dad was near the end of his life…was it so hard to just go see him and say sorry then…it totally vexed me.
I have no solutions for you Hun other than either writing her a letter or just going and facing up to her one on one and making her see how this feels for you but you may not be comfortable with such a direct approach. I know you hurt Max, as i hurt for you and I do not even know you.
Just know I’m sending you mega love and prayers and pray she will do right by you.
That’s just so unfair for you, it makes me mad. Families, some of them are very odd and very hurtful. I see this and it makes me so grateful for my friends.
You know how some forums and things have an “Ignore” button so you can choose not to see what particularly annoying people write, well I think it would be good if highly stressful events like Christmas could have an Ignore button so you could simply Opt Out and choose not to be involved. And if there was a way to tell people politely, I like you but I find your current specific behaviour unhelpful and if you persist in this I will have to put you on Ignore for the sake of my health. The fact that you share genetics with them, does not give them the right to stress you out or treat you badly.
It sounds like the actions of one individual, your sister, is cutting you off and isolating you from the whole family, and that’s not right. If she knew it could be your last Christmas - although please God it won’t be - would she still be so cold-hearted? then I’m sorry for her too because she will be left with all these regrets…
But mum, it’s not just my sister I wanted to visit, can’t i talk to you about meeting up with you personally? Somewhere else altogether if I’m not welcome at my sister’s house? either one of us might not be here next year.
Some of the politics here is that because your sister’s house is being used as the central venue, she does rightly have control over what happens there, but that doesn’t mean she can control who gets to see each other anywhere else. That’s why we have pubs, cafes and hotels. Queen Bee can dictate her household, but not the whole world.
I think I would try to focus on the positive and spend more time with the brother who is being so kind and his family, not necessarily at Christmas, and let the sister get used to life without you if that’s what she really wants. Maybe you could plan for mum to come out to you later in the year, there are some 76 that are quite fit and others less so, you could use a local hotel if needs be, and is there any chance she might be able to bring the little ones with her (call it “giving your sister a break”!) or is that all a bit much? It might be a chance to show her how you feel.
Final thought (slightly tongue in cheek) start a rumour that you either won the lottery or are about to marry a very rich man, and see what happens!
Hi Max,
That’s just rotten. You have had great advice re how to deal with it so far but I’m trying to put myself in your shoes.
I am thinking that, if it were me, I would be tempted to brazen it out and almost act as if your mother had never told you to talk to your sister. Your mum probably is in an impossible position and sis is obviously in control but if sis was being this way for any reason other than cancer would you not have been tempted just to go for it. behave as if you are going, talk as if you are going, don’t ask! You don’t have to.
This is not advice. Just what I would feel like doing! I hope things work out for you.
C x
Maxmari,
i truly do not know what to say as i cannot understand why anyone would react as your sister has done but wanted to send you a huge hug & i will cross everything that Christmas turns out just fine & that you have a truly wonderful time.
Much Love
Sarah.xxx
Maxmari,
I was about to start a thread about how much my sister has upset me!! Can I join yours?
Firstly - I can’t even begin to understand your sister’s behaviour. And I actually think it’s not fair on her children either - not protecting them at all - because they will be confused as to why their loving aunt suddenly wasn’t around and when they’re older and find out and understand why, I bet they will feel really guilty for not spending time with their aunt when she needed lots of family love. Maybe writing a letter would be a good thing - write one, read it, rewrite it. Eeven if you don’t send it, it’s good therapy.
Now, my sister! I was diagnosed with primary BC in May at the age of 33. I started chemo in June, had a bilateral mastectomy in October and finished rads yesterday (hurrah). I was on a real high yesterday and have been feeling so Christmassy…and all of my happiness has just been p*ssed on by my sister. My dad left when I was little and my mum died of BC, so my sister and I were brought up by my aunt and uncle. This is the first year that my aunt, uncle, 3 cousins and me and my sister were going to be together for Christmas and I was so excited. However, just got a really curt email from my sister saying she’s not coming and cancelling our pre-Christmas dinner on Monday (which I’d arranged with her months ago as something to look forward to for the end of treatment) as she can’t afford it as she’s been out too much recently with her friends (basically making me feel that her friends are much more important than her one remaining close family member). She also upset me mid-chemo - the only time I asked her for some help when I needed a lift. I asked her a week in advance. She said yes - and then on the day told me she’d been out until 2 in the morning and was too hungover to give me a lift.
I’m married (no kids) and my sister-in-law has been lovely and supportive and has sent me little cards and texts when I was starting or finishing a treatment. My own sister hasn’t even acknowledged it. What hurts so much is that SHE’s the one I want to see and spend time with and if the situation was reversed I would have dropped everything to have been there for her.
Right. Tears are easing now and I’m going to dust myself off and get on with feeling Christmassy and happy. I realise I’m in a better situation as at least I’m still involved in the family Christmas and it’s my sister who’s ostracising herself, but as much as I love my aunt, uncle and cousins, it’s not the same as my little sister!
Silly sisters.
x
Sandytoes, and Maxmari, you both could do with big hugs, so here are some for both of you. My parents had three daughters. One of them I haven’t spoken to for several years (the same one who cut my dad off about 15 years ago) and the other one hasn’t been in touch since I told her about it in March. But I realise that that’s just normal service as we’ve never been close. It must be much harder when you HAVE been close and all of a sudden when you could do with the family stuff, it doesn’t happen.
(((((hug)))))
(((((hug)))))
Aw Sandytoes and Maxmari, big hugs to both of you at this difficult time, I can understand how you are feeling.
My sis when to the M East to work when our dad was still alive, and I think it was to get away from his situation as she is one of those people who doesn’t face up to things. Dad died in Oct 2005 and she was over here on holiday staying with me in Oct 2006 when I found out completely out of the blue I had BC they day before she was due to fly back to Saudi. My husband has never forgiven her for getting on the plane that morning, he took her to the airport. I didn’t know until 2 years later that she’d put him in a very difficult position as she said to him “should I stay” and he said he couldn’t answer that for her as his head was all over the place. He has always felt it was inexcusable for her to puthim in that position. She left anyway and my OH ended up sobbing in the car for an hour by the Forth Bridges on the way home. He always says if it had been his sister (who is down in London) he could not have just left like that, he would have had to stay on for support. As he is incredibly loyal I know if this happened to his sis he would do that.
Things with my sis just went from bad to worse over time and she would come over to the UK to visit people but would avoid us. I ended up in isolation at the end of chemo and she was due to come and stay 3 days later - my OH panicked as I was admitted to hospital in an emergency, so he contacted her to ask if she could stay with her friend. She did but she was really annoyed and wasn’t interested in coming to the hospital - when she did turn up she couldn’t get away quickly enough as she said she had a hair appointment. I was on a huge dose of steroids and the first thing she said at the hospital was “you are really fat at the moment”. I had little wisps of hair on my head and a massive burn from the chemo on the back of my hand and that was all she could say. She came to stay with us the day after I was discharged from the hospital, then she went to Norwich to see friends for the rest of the week 2 days later!
I saw a psychologist for counselling because I was having panic attacks at the end of treatment and my head wasn’t being helped by my my sister’s behaviour (all sorts of stuff came into my mind about the way she’d treated me when were children as she’s older). Then one day when I was cleaning the bathroom of all things, a light bulb went on in my head and I suddenly wondered why I was bothering about her!
Things are now very stilted between me and her when she comes over she can be here for 3 weeks and only see me for 2 hours. The truth of the matter is, we were her safety net if Saudi hadn’t worked out because she thought if she didn’t like it after a year she could just come back and we’d take her in, of course me getting cancer ended that idea.
I’m now 5 years down the line and just accept the fact that things will never be the same again. I have to live my life as best as I can and get on with my business. She has to get on with what she’s doing. Trust me, you will get to a stage where it stops bothering you, but it takes time. When she is here and we have a conversation she never refers to the fact I’ve had BC, it’s like it never happened. You can imagine the strain.