Family Problems
Family Problems I feel bad about this.
My sister works abroad and generally comes to stay with us for 3 weeks twice a year, I was diagnosed the last time she was here. She is also supposed to be coming back for good in about 6 months and will need somewhere to stay indefinitely. I’m about to start chemo tomorrow followed by rads and then chemo again.
She was booking a trip to come over soon, but although we have 3 rooms, one is my husband’s office as he’s just started a business. The other room we want to keep free in case there are times when we have to sleep in seperate beds; I also still have nerve pain from my lymph nodes being removed a few weeks ago and wake during the night.
Husband emailed my sister last week to say if she was coming over would it be possible to stay with another relative or friend as we didn’t feel we could commit ourselves on account of not knowing how well I’m going to be with the treatment. Sadly she is not very pleased about this and has decided not to bother. I realise how she must be feeling, but she’s on her own and we’ve done a lot for her over the last 20 or so years. We just feel at the moment it’s time to be selfish and think of ourselves. To make matters worse my brother has had a go at me about this, but he’s not offering to help.
I could do without this hanging over me as this whole thing came from out of the blue - I thought I was having something benign removed and they told me at the follow up appointment it was cancer.
Yeah, but… Hello Cherub,
Sorry to hear that people seem to be unappreciative of your situation. However, a fact of life is that relationships are a two way street. Sometimes there is traffic and you can’t get what you want. If your sister has the gumption to move abroad, surely she can sort out some accomodation for herself for the duration of her stay?
And who does your brother think he is? If you aren’t going to put anything in, then keep the heck out!
Sorry to be a bit abrasive, but this is a time in your life when you HAVE to be aware of your own needs, NOT SELFISH. However I am having a spikey day today!
When my girl cannot sleep, we are glad that there is another room that she or I can go to. Although I don’t mind sitting up with her when she can’t sleep, sometimes it just isn’t practical though and a night’s sleep is needed to maintain sanity.
I think that it is about time that some other people stepped up and mucked in, because it seems to me that you have been doing it for too long!
Hope it works out okay.
All the best.
Hubby
Thanks for that.
I have another brother as well. He doesn’t have room as he is in a small flat. However, his attitude is totally different and he says I must put myself first and just concentrate on getting myself well.
I think part of the problem is my sister is panicking about what she is going to do when she gets back for good next year - everything was pretty much sorted until this all blew up and of course this changes things in a big way as I don’t feel we can have people relying on us - it would be too much presure what with my husband trying to drum up new business for himself.
Whilst there is no proof ,I also think part of this illness may be stress related as I did the lion’s share when our dad developed dementia, even moving back home to care for him. I spent 14 months only seeing my OH once a month during this time as our home was at the other end of the country, afterwards dad went into a home where he died. Sister moved back too, but more to suit herself and when it didn’t work out to suit she went abroad. This was at the worst point in my dad’s illness and I felt very left to deal with it.
I have pretty much convinced myself I need to think of just me and OH at the moment, think I just needed to hear it from another person.
yes you do Yes you do need to think of yourself for a while. Sounds as if like many of us you have been the ‘good and strong’ one in the family for a long time and they cannot understand that there are times when you cannot keep that up. It doesn’t eman they don’t love you just htat they have got tooused to you coping in a way htat suits them and now you have to cope in a way that suits you - it will be best for everyone in the long run so Good Luck and stick to your needs
Thinking of yourself Hi Cherub
So sorry that you have to cope with all this on top of the treatment etc. You absolutely must put yourself and OH first at this time. The situation you describe, sounds as though you have always been the ‘accommodating sister’, and I am afraid families can get into a pattern of behaviour which is difficult to break. Your sister will just have to find somewhere else to live, or perhaps your brothers could look out for short term rental property for her. You will probably be feeling quite low for some of the time, and you don’t want the responsibility of a house guest.
I know what you say about the bedroom situation, we are the same, and more often than not OH sleeps in another room. We just disturb each other too much, what with the dreaded night sweats and insomnia and having 3 pillows in the bed to cushion all the sore bids!! Also OH often gets up really early to go to wrok and whilst I used to be able to just drop back off, now I am wide awake if he leaves at 5am and can’t get back to sleep, so separate bedrooms are the best solution for us.
I’ve had to be very strict about family visits whilst having chemo, I was terrified of catching infections and ending up in hospital, so anyone with even the slightest ‘sniffle’ was banned for the duration. Even now I still get terrrible tired, and my family has finally accepted that things will never be quite the same again, but we make the most of what I can do and enjoy visits when we can.
Hope all goes well with your treatment and that the family situaiton will sort itself out.
Hugs
Birgit
Thanks to all for your comments.
I have to admit, the thing with my sister kind of put me in a bad frame of mind for a few days and I made myself shake out of it yesterday on account of having the first chemo today. Yes, it is right that over the years I have kind of been the one who is accommodating and gets on with things. I am way younger than the rest of the family by quite a bit and I feel although I might be feeling quite ill at times, this is very much “me” time; also time for me and OH to reflect on where we are going from here when we pick the threads up again. I just can’t currently be relied on to help my sister pick up the thread of her own life if she comes back for good next year.
Good thing is, I had the first FEC today and it all went OK. I slept well last night and I just got up this morning, washed my hair and put my face on, smiled in the mirror and thought “this is the first step on the route to being a well person again”. My wig and headgear are all ready for when I need them in the next few weeks. I will take to my bed when I feel I need to, but when I got back from hospital I did washing, ironing and hoovering as I felt OK. I could hear my late dad telling me you should get on with things for as long as you are able to.
Ho Cherub I just thought I would add my twopennyworth. I can empathise with the pain in your arm from the lymp nodes. I could not bear anything to touch my arm and if my husband so much as just brushed against my arm I in bed I would go beserk with the pain. We tried sleeping the other way round so I could hang my arm out of the bed but that didn’t work. Good news now is that what was a very painful arm is now ok. It hurts if the flesh wobbles such as when you shake something like putting a new duvet cover on. I am sure yours will soon be like that.
I have spent many a night on the sofa (we don’t have a spare room) so as not to disturb my husband. He is also not well so needs his sleep. You must think of yourself at this time.
My only experience of unsympathic relatives is the case of my brother in law and his wife. They have recently moved away. My mother in law usually comes to us or them for Christmas but we haven’t even told her I am ill as she just can’t cope with illness. She doesn’t even know the full extent of my husband’s illness. We certainly couldn’t cope with having her round for Christmas. My brother in law said they couldn’t have her for Christmas as they were going to a hotel for lunch that day! He would have been happy to for her to have sat at home all by herself rather than put himself out knowing the situation with me and my husband. My other brother in law has changed all his plans so that he can have his mother for christmas. He was originally going to spend christmas in Scotland with his wife’s parents.
You must look after your own interests first.
Really pleased to hear that your first FEC went ok. I have just had 2 with 4 more to go.
All the best to you and your family (not your sister!!)
Hugs to you
Lesley
xx
Thank you for that Lesley. Must admit, the arm is settling a bit now. No nausea or sickness either and I’ve been doing housework and shopping the past two days. Hospital said I might be lucky enough not to be too fatigued until the third FEC cycle. Will just see how it goes and do what my body tells me.
It’s just good to know others are in situations with relatives. What with it being my sister I felt really bad about it. I emailed her tonight to let her know what is going on (too expensive to phone as it’s 50p per minute) and I sent her a last photo before my hair comes out.
For Cherub Really pleased to hear you had no real side effects from your first FEC. This was also my experience of my first FEC. Second one complicated by really bad cold which has laid me low but otherwise not feeling too bad.
I went back to work the day after my first FEC and everyone was so surprised to see me. It is good to try and keep to a normal routine. I am sure that as we get further down the route of this treatment our routines will go to pot.
All the best
Lesley
xx
Thanks Lesley.
I’ve had an email from my sis today, things seem to have calmed down a bit thankfully, so I feel better about it all. However, she is talking about coming back in April for good and having to stay with someone again,guess I will have to cross that bridge when it comes…
I have had a few visitors today, but have pottered in PJ’s and dressing gown, feel fine though and it was nice to chat to people and drink tea with them.
Husband had a potter in the garden and brought a load of organic winter veg in. I plan to make lots of nice soups and a few other things for the freezer tomorrow. I always find good home made oup is one thing you can sometimes stomach if your appetite goes a bit. I am trying to eat as healthily as possible and plan to keep a food diary from Monday.
Sisters, sisters! Hi cherub,
just found your posting and felt I had to reply. Please, don’t for one moment , feel guilty about your situation.
When my first marriage ended, after 7 years of violent physical and mental abuse, I went back to live with my sister, husband and 1 yr old child. She insisted on it. My husband eventually went to prison for life (ugh, he only served 7 yrs and was let out on licence). I was so grateful for her support that I seem to have been paying for it for some 30 odd years. I am some 3 and a half yrs younger than her, but I took care of my Mum when she had a stroke - sis had 2 kids and said she couldn’t do it - I lived in Spain at the time, and we had to come back to England for 7 months. My husband says I don’t owe my sister anything - she has always come to us either in England or Spain, for her annual holidays, with 2 kids, and never pays a penny nor does any help with cooking or cleaning.
When I got bc some 4 years ago, she rang (we live some 600 miles away) and wanted to come down to Cornwall to see me. I told her straight that we could not accommodate her, husband and 20’s something son. I just needed space and peace. She even follows me to the toilet, standing outside the door ranting on. Reluctantly, she booked a local pub/hotel and it turned out brilliantly. In the meantime, we have bought another apt where we live, so friends and family can come to see us, without my being overwhelmed by them. I am happy to do a meal or two, but don’t want them staying and invading our space.
We have a 2 bed apartment, and separate bedrooms, as my husband snores loudly and I don’t get good sleep with hot flushes etc. We did buy an expensive sofa bed when I got bc, but it has never been opened. I don’t feel at all guilty, at 62 yrs old, and with enough health problems that my gastro calls them “empirical” - had to look that up in a dictionary when I got home!
I obviously don’t know your sister’s financial situation, but she is really not your responsibility. She is an adult. You have a serious, life threatening disease, and if she can’t understand or accept this, it is not your problem. You have to think of yourself now.
Just think about it, and realise you are not your “sister’s keeper” - you and your hubby are all that really matters in the scope of things. She will still be living hopefully, no matter what happens to you.
It has been a tough lesson for me to learn, as I too lived abroad for some 8 years in Spain, but this is no reason why you have to give her a home, especially when you are going through treatment. Please think about yourself - you only have one life, and I hope you get well.
Love, Liz.
Thank you for that Liz.
I am digging my heels in on this one - I think if she were to extend her contract out there for another 6 months is might be better all round for us all. She has made quite a lot of tax free salary over there and I know she doesn’t spend it as she’s saving for her retirement (she’s older than me). Also OH has a fledgling business which he is trying to run from an ofice at home - the plan is if the business takes off I will do all the admin/finance. When she is here she seems to think the business idea is a game to him, but he spent 6 long and intense months retraining for this field last year.
What irks him is that we were made homeless by a flood a few years back and had to stay with her until we got other accommodation (house was wrecked) after 2 nights we had to get a hotel as she complained her place was too small for us all.
It’s still hard when it’s family though, I’ve got to stop myself being pulled like this.